<p>Wise words, ffhrea – especially your first four points.</p>
<p>This is interesting advice, and I’ll refer back to it in a couple of months when I’ll undoubtedly feel lonely. I think some of these points will really help me. :)</p>
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<p>I disagree with your above point though. It’s a sweeping and even offensive generalization. I belong to one of those cultures you refer to and our country has an extremely high growth rate. Different things work for different societies and cultures, and putting down one way of thinking to justify leaving home is not very helpful.</p>
<p>I’m a little claustrophobic and slightly anti-social…but super friendly and outgoing and all niceness. So I hate the crowded cafeteria, the crowded lounges. I have friends though, I’m not the quiet type, and hopefully I don’t come off as 100% undiluted anti-social anxiety even though I’m sometimes bursting with pleasedonttalktome energy AT TIMES hahah</p>
<p>I guess the reason i say this is because people have felt the need to “reach out” to me before lmao, out of pity, because they think i have no friends cuz i’m alone a lot. nononono i just dont need a posse everywhere i go. seriously, i dont need an escort to class, to the bathroom, to get coffee, im not necessarily going to sit next to my friends during class, and im not going to make my schedule around people im comfortable with. the REAL world is going to make you uncomfortable, and college is just practice</p>
<p>my best advice to this thread is: if you’re feeling lonely, do one or both of these things: (1) get a job or (2) study quietly on your own. The library is the #1 best place in the universe for ‘lonely’ people precisely because you’re not labelled “anti-social” for closing yourself up in a cubicle or typing furiously or reading at a desk. You’re just a freakin’ college kid. And you should get a job because it’ll give you something to do, you may make friends there, or just garner cool stories you can tell ppl later. overall, if you’re lonely, maybe you could spend that alone time better…a job is like mandatory socializing lol</p>
<p>For those of you who at first experienced some loneliness away–as I’m sure most people do–but now feel well adjusted with a good group of friends, about how long would you say it took you to feel comfortable and to have that good group of friends?</p>
<p>I think there is a period of adjustment for anyone who goes away to college. Perhaps the psychology majors label this as ‘loneliness’, but the rest of us call it adapting. You are probably living away from home for the first time and are on your own. You start making your own decisions about when you study, who you make friends with and what you do in your free time. Probably most people have some concerns about what it will be like going to college and that is normal. You will make friends who are in the same dorm or classes you attend based on having common interests. I think getting a pet is a terrible idea since you will already have enough other things to do in your free time and will be away at class most of the day. At end of the school year, it will be yet one more thing to lug home with you.</p>
<p>I think this is also a time when you don’t (or shouldn’t) have to ask your parents about every daily decision you are making and you learn to be more independent. I doubt at most colleges you will ever meet the parents of your friends since there really aren’t that many opportunities to do that. I am not sure what that has to do with adapting to being at college in either case.</p>
<p>Becoming involved in extracurricular or other similar social activities is also a way to meet those who have things in common with you. It would be good to see how much time is needed to keep up on your studies before you join too many time consuming additional activities.</p>
<p>In many cases, the people you knew in h.s. will have gone on to other colleges, so you will see them less frequently then in the past. Remember that most other students are in the same boat as you are and are also trying to make new friends based on their current situation which is probably much the same as yours.</p>
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<p>I think this could use emphasis. I don’t necessarily agree with the OP’s subsequent advice so I’ll offer some of my own and try to make it concrete. This forum is notoriously unhelpful as you’ll usually only get vague horrible cliches (“get involved,” “join clubs”) that annoy the hell out of me. So here are a couple things:</p>
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<li>If you are at all athletically inclined, join a sports team. I don’t mean intramurals. Try to walk on to the varsity squad if you were a good high school athlete. Even if you end up being 3rd string or never get playing time, it will be worth it. I’m serious. You’ll be forced to practice, travel, compete, and eat with a core group of 20-50 teammates daily. The shared experience of devoting so much time and effort towards a common goal bonds people and creates friendships that cannot be rivaled by joining a mere interest club (a frequently thrown around piece of cliche advice). This has the added benefits of mastering time management and giving you a sense of purpose. Your teammates will rely on you–it’s hard to feel lonely when you have friends who depend on you.</li>
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<p>If your school has a strong DI program/you cannot make the team, then join the club team. They rarely cut and the exact same principles apply; the only difference is the lower level of competition. Rowing, sprint football, and squash are popular non-cut club teams.</p>
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<li>This is probably the most important thing I’ve learned: Never, ever let it show that you’re lonely, depressed, heartbroken, miserable, etc. Always smile. Everywhere. Laugh and crack jokes and be witty even when you are miserably in pain on the inside. This is difficult but critical. </li>
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<p>Humans have evolved neural mechanisms for detecting and developing an aversion to frowns, unhappiness, and anger. In sociobiology, this is sort of a false-positive/costly-miss defense mechanism. Basically this just confirms what we all know: that no one wants to be around unhappy, intimidating people. Why would anyone want to hang around with you if you look and act depressed? Act like you’re fun to be around even if you’re hurting inside.</p>
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<li>Force yourself to develop some swagger and social confidence. Initiate conversations. In class, b!tching with someone about the upcoming exam always works. Talk to people on your floor about anything, ask neighbors if they want to get food with you. It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. (This admittedly is hard to convey through text. Just don’t be awkward. Be friendly and casual) If you hear about a party, ask them if they want to go. If you drink, invite them over to pre-game. Compliment people (“no homo dude but those are cool shoes, where’d you get them?”) to start conversations–this takes a little skill but it works.</li>
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<p>I was lonely my entire 4 years at college. I had a steady boyfriend, but I didn’t have any good friends. Even though I was around other people, I didn’t feel a connection.</p>
<p>My daughter is going away to college this fall. She is much more introverted than I am. She very rarely socializes with anyone and spends most of her time at home. I am very concerned about her ability to make the transition to college. She is currently going to therapy. I think it is very important for anyone who is feeling lonely and depressed to seek out therapy.</p>
<p>Another good piece of advice is.</p>
<p>ffhrea- Excellent Ideas- completely agree.</p>
<p>you’ll only be lonely if you choose to be that way. people aren’t going to tell you to go away if you try to talk to them and make friends…</p>
<p>I feel lonely in college, but I also feel that people “pathologize” loneliness too much. Especially in the society I am in (USA male college student), it’s really not that acceptable to express feelings of loneliness, sadness, or lack of enthusiasm. I feel like college students are expected to be perpetually happy in the moment and even immature: cheering the sports teams, drinking, partying, “hooking up”, and getting very excited about school spirit. Feeling loneliness of emptiness is presented as “abnormal” and perhaps even a sign of mental illness (not that I am saying you shouldn’t seek medical care if you need it!).</p>
<p>I almost suspect that a lot these ideas about the stereotypical college male are actually not so true. Not being hedonistic doesn’t make one anhedonic. Some socially isolated people have historically shown great creative output, and being alone doesn’t equate to failure. Also, history shows how opinions on loneliness change. There have been times and cultures where being quiet or even living a monastic life were considered ideal.</p>
<p>That being said, I don’t think any of the advice is bad except for perhaps the one on getting a pet. Some people like pets, but for others keeping an animal isn’t appealing. I am one of those people and I have to say that not liking dogs and cats doesn’t make you a moral monster. Moreover, as much as pet owners anthropomorphize their “friends”, animals can’t really compare to human-human interaction.</p>
<p>Caillebotte - I think you have given the most useful advice here, even if some people won’t like it. I play a varsity sport, and although I don’t get a ton of playing time, I am so incredibly happy to have a core group of people to hang out with and socialize with. If i had gone to a bigger D1 school, I was set on playing club, because I really felt like I wanted the team dynamic to stay a part of my life. Playing a club sport is probably one of the best things you can do to try to build social connections.</p>
<p>Also - as painful as it may be, I think it’s important to act happy and friendly when you meet new people. Even if you’re going through hard times, the ability to smile and laugh with others will get you far in terms of meeting people. If there’s one thing I’ve learned here, it’s that genuinely kind and funny people are much more well-liked than cliquey, obnoxious, or mean people. If you feel confident enough to be yourself and relax around other people, then they will gravitate towards you.</p>
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<p>This is why I keep humans as pets.</p>
<p>I’m not really sure what I can do…I’m really friendly, nice, and outgoing, have joined several clubs, have tried to get to know my roomies, and yet I still feel lonely and don’t have many close friends. Most of the clubs here are small and don’t really do much (and they’re all pretty much filled with upperclassmen, and I’m frosh), and my roomies haven’t really responded to my attempts at being friends with them. I also don’t drink or party much, so I’m guessing two of my only options left are joining a frat or getting a job…?</p>
<p>Caillebotte gives great advice, definitely check that post out ((above…))</p>
<p>But WARNING. Only act happy / smile a lot when you first meet people.
Obviously a good first impression is important, and people are attracted to seemingly happy and confident people, because moods rub off.</p>
<p>BUT … if you act happy all the time, you will never truly get close to anyone. Sharing pain is necessary to bond. I am not saying act whiny and *****y all the time… I am saying, don’t lock people out. Or you’ll end up like me, surrounded by a million friends who don’t really know who I am. Being lonely while surrounded by people everyone thinks is your friend is the worst feeling ever trust me…</p>
<p>I think the main thing is to 1. draw people in with a sparklified version of yourself, then 2. be yourself so that the people who stay do so because they like the real you.</p>
<p>Hope I helped someone,</p>
<p>loneliness is just a part of our life .we all feel lonely sometimes.</p>
<p>Being lonely isn’t a problem but when it turns into SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) then it’s a problem, especially with getting a job later on in life.</p>
<p>Thank you for this thread. It’s even helpful to read over as I’m transitioning out of senior year of high school. There’s usually that “wall” I feel with most of my classmates, but knowing that there’s several different ways of approaching that is great.</p>
<p>Why is going to college like getting an enema? because it makes me reexamine who i am? Why would getting an enema do that?</p>
<p>This thread is for the weak who feel like they need friends to survive and thrive. I especially liked number 7. Sorry but praying to your imaginary God is not going to give you friends.</p>