Found our college son, sophomore and away from home, has registered for several adult online dating sites and is very interested in having casual relationship (he indeed had once last semester). He attends one faith sharing/prayer group in school; however, still seems to have self-control issues. What we should do?
Appreciate if you can provide any advice!!!
Who is paying for it? I guess I’d cut the purse strings if that would stop it-- not just that it’s kind of icky, but, “what, you’re taking my hard earned $$ and doing what with it? No way Jose. Obviously I’m giving you a little too much…” Otherwise, it might be none of your business.???
What’s wrong with joining an online dating site? What’s wrong with just wanting a casual relationship? He’s young, after all. And how did you learn about this?
Are they dating sites or escort services? If he had only one relationship last semester, it sounds like a dating service where he pays to meet women with similar interests, not an escort service where he’s paying women to have sex. I can’t imagine why he’d need a dating service when he’s surrounded by women his age though. Has he said why he’s not interested in dating any of the women he meets at school? I think you have to address the reason(s) why you don’t like it. Are you bothered by the way he meets these women or that he’s having casual sex? Is he using the money you’re giving him to finance it? As long as you’ve discussed birth control and stds, I’m not sure there’s much you can do except cut down on his spending money.
I thought she said escort…was the post edited?
New poster? Is this for real? How would a parent know what sites their adult child is registering for? This is a time for exploration and individuation, even if the choices (personally, spiritually) differ between parent and child.
From what I understand, he is trying to have a girl friend, but with no success. He did try once with an escort service girl and she withdrew all his bank money (about $3000) within a few days. We were very upset of course. Just recently, we found out he is chatting again with one escort girl and she lures him to go out… I feel like crying every day…
@redpoodles It does say escort service in the title. I agree about the $. It is a waste- and then there is sexually transmitted viruses, so probably not a great habit. If it continues, it could influence his ability to save money, foster a healthy relationships, etc…With young women surrounding you, one should be able to develop one’s social skills. I think he needs help from a mental health professional. He needs to be taught skills to help his impulsivity, self control and perhaps, a group where he can work on how to befriend someone and move to healthy intimacy.
Sounds like he might be developing or already has a porn addiction and took it to the next level by getting escorts…?? Cut all $$. He doesn’t need any, really, if he’s living on campus. He has a food card, right? He already has clothes. He has his books. He can walk to class. Cut all $$. He’s at the escort service because it’s a lot easier.
Good gravy, people are dxing him with a porn addiction and mental health problems based on a very short post?
I agree with redpoodles and bsalum. Don’t give him any more money. I think he’s created a really difficult situation for himself. He had trouble finding a girlfriend so he used an escort service, but how many girls does he think want to date a man who uses an escort service?
Obviously, he’s gotten involved with a bad crowd. If cutting off his allowance (and access to credit cards) doesn’t change the situation, maybe it would help to change the location. Can he transfer to a school closer to home? If not, maybe you could request a year’s leave of absence to give him time to work so he can go back to school with a clean slate. If you’re still within the drop/add period, it’s possible that you could bring him home now. If he were my son, I’d make sure he knew that those were his options: quit seeing escort girls or come home. Period. It’s pretty easy to mess around when someone else is paying the bills. If he had to work to pay his way through college, he wouldn’t have the time or money for an escort service.
Would it surprise anyone if he was simply “curious”?
I have no problem with most dating websites. That is how all of my children date. A few long term relationships have developed as a result. The escort site would be concerning. How did you find out about all of this?
Young men need intimacy and affection. At this age the “norm” is through meeting young ladies through daily interaction and social events. I was lucky enough to have had invitations and willing recipients. My son is doing OK, with a girlfriend, but my daughter is not, no boyfriend. I don’t know what guys who are “unlucky” with women do. But I do know there is someone for everyone, and it’s a “numbers” game, meaning you have to meet many ppl before before finding a suitable companion. How to control his behavior while he is away I can not say. Fatherly advice on the subject many years ago might have been more helpful than trying to backtrack now. Tell him to hang in there and don’t give up. Keep going to social events and expand his horizons. There’s a girl out there just for him, he just has to find her. Good luck! Don’t fret, you’re not alone. Keep smiling, girls like smiles.
I agree that dating websites and Tinder are how young people date these days. Both of my kids have used Tinder and (my gay son) Grindr. Although many of these encounters are simply “hook ups”, my S found his long-term boyfriend on Tinder. So, if those are the sites - not to worry. If it is truly “escort” services that you have to pay for - more of a concern.
Having a relationship is a self control issue? Oy
Steer him to legit dating sites if he truly just wants to find a GF. Escort services are essentially prostitution rings.
Obviously, people are going to respond to your post very differently based on their own values. But I, for one, do not think escort services or any other form of exploitation are ever okay. Prostitution is not a victimless crime, and selling/buying sex is a devaluing a human being. So yes, you are right to be worried if your son is indeed hiring a prostitute. It doesn’t matter whether he is an adult or who is paying for it. All of us should care about the moral well-being of our offspring.
But if you are just talking about online dating, that’s a different matter. I don’t love it, but many college kids use dating apps to find people to go out with, my own daughter included. She’s looking for a boyfriend, but says that some people on these sites are just looking for hook-ups (not for money, just for sex.) People who use these sites really have to be careful about how they present themselves and make the boundaries clear. My daughter says she is careful to leave her date’s contact info with her roommates, and also lets them know where she’s going, just in case.
I still hate the whole idea, but I get that it’s hard to meet suitable men at a women’s college, so I just nag my piece and let it go. But there’s no way I’m giving her money to pay the fees for the dating websites!
People are responding as if this is a legit post. Not convinced.
You’re certainly not alone, jym