<p>this past summer my college bound freshman son got back together with his young 16 year old girlfriend for the 3rd time after she kicked him to the curb twice andhe is lovesick as ever being away from her, he goes to college in a city 2 hours away…he quit his job last summer and i am finanically supporting him even though he was approved for a work study job he didn’t pursue, i recently found out that he has been sneaking home on weekends and staying at his girlfriends house! i give him no money to spend on gas or entertainment since he should find a job…i find out that her mother is giving him money to come home…i find this very dyfuntical that a mother would think this is alright for them to be behaving this way, i am at my wits end! what’s a mother to do? i’m worried if i push to hard he will quit school altogether and come running home to be with her!</p>
<p>When I was a college freshman, I sneaked home on a weekend to visit my boyfriend (when his parents were out of town), and my boyfriend came to my campus on another weekend (when my roommate was out of town).</p>
<p>Neither of us ever told our parents. If they knew, they never mentioned it to us.</p>
<p>We grew up to be responsible members of society (married to each other, as it happens). We have graduate degrees. We have jobs. We have two grown kids who are college graduates (one with a graduate degree; both with jobs). </p>
<p>So I am not unduly horrified by what your son and his girlfriend are doing.</p>
<p>I suspect that the girl’s parents are paying for your son’s transportation because they would rather have their high-school-age daughter spending time with her boyfriend at home rather than in the less supervised environment of a college campus.</p>
<p>The only part that worries me in this is that your son is over 18 and the girl is not…the rest, so what, he is in college, time to let him grow up…assuming this is a real post and not some board kid…</p>
<p>Maybe you should cover the expenses. I think her parents are putting you in an awkward position.</p>
<p>I am not sure of the state, but in most states a 16 year old and a 20 year old would not be statutory rape. You might want to check that and inform him.</p>
<p>Job issue is sticky. Mine waited a few months to get his job, but if he is coming home weekends, he probably doesn’t think he has time for a job, and that’s the rub.</p>
<p>Perhaps he is not committed enough to the college process and should be home at community college.</p>
<p>I teach community college full- time and at a good public uni part-time and see this scenario all the time. You can’t speed up someone’s maturation process as much as you ( and all of us ) might want to. We parents learn this the hard way.</p>
<p>At 18 your young man is an adult and can make his own choices. If you accept that, you’ll likely end up with a better relationship with him in the long run. If you still want to treat him like he’s in elementary school and needs permission for everything, he’s likely to pull further and further away.</p>
<p>The girl could end up your DIL. A good relationship from the start would be nice. ;)</p>
<p>It’s obvious her parents think your S would make a nice SIL. 
;)</p>
<p>What exactly is the problem?</p>
<p>Have to be careful. There are 21 states in which that young lady is not legal age of consent.</p>
<p>If you are uncomfortable with what her mom is doing tell her and your son.You do not owe your son a college education ,you know where your leverage is. Maybe cc near home would save you all some trouble.</p>
<p>My kids are on their own for spending money AND books. But if they don’t get a job and cover that, then that is entirely their problem. I assume his gf’s parents won’t fund pizzas and gas for him forever… And she will probably kick him to the curb again eventually, then it will not be a problem any more. I expect that this is a problem that will resolve on its own over time.</p>
<p>I’d have a problem with another parent giving my son money, especially (but not only) when it’s used to engage in activities that I don’t approve of. He’s an adult, but he’s still depending on my financial support and goodwill, which means I still get some say here. I would let the other parent know that I would appreciate it if she would stop giving my kid money. This isn’t about ‘breaking them up’ - it’s about expecting your son to pay his own way with a job to the extent that he can and that’s an important family value that she is undermining. I would also remind her that if I were to send her daughter money to engage in activities that undermined her family’s values, she too would be unhappy. Apart from that, I wouldn’t interfere: If your son can still come up with the money to visit every weekend, it’s a bit sad (since we all know he’s going to get dumped again), but there isn’t much you can do about it.</p>
<p>So, it is affecting his academics? Or there is another problem? What is an issue? It is not stated at all in OP.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This is an option, but consider the possibility that you might be forcing the two young people into a situation where the girl would end up visiting the guy at his campus and staying overnight there because she can afford the bus fare and he can’t. </p>
<p>It is quite normal for college students to have overnight guests, but typically they are students from other colleges who are accustomed to campus life. A 16-year-old may not feel ready (or be ready) for that situation. Having a guest at her own home is safer and more comfortable. </p>
<p>If she were my daughter, I wouldn’t think twice about paying for her boyfriend’s bus fare so that he could come home rather than having her spend the night at his school if she wasn’t ready to cope with that.</p>
<p>I think the issue the OP had was that he’s focussed on spending time with this girl, who as already dumped him several times, more than he is on studies and finding a job, which he really needs to do. Plus, he’s sneaking around like a child.</p>
<p>AND this mom of the minor girl is facilitating.</p>
<p>Yep, that would all make me upset as well.</p>
<p>Provided the relationship is legal in your state, I would tell him that it’s time to grow up and stop sneaking around like a child and taking money from others to indulge himself and get a dang job. Otherwise, the other areas of his life will start to suffer.</p>
<p>“If she were my daughter, I wouldn’t think twice about paying for her boyfriend’s bus fare so that he could come home rather than having her spend the night at his school if she wasn’t ready to cope with that.”
- As a parent with the girl, I agree. I always worry about safety first. I did worry when raising my S. But it is not the same with the girl, I would call it “elevated” level of worrying.</p>
<p>“If she were my daughter, I wouldn’t think twice about paying for her boyfriend’s bus fare so that he could come home rather than having her spend the night at his school if she wasn’t ready to cope with that.”</p>
<p>Really? Your 16 year old daughter? Also, you would be comfortable with this EVEN if the parents of the young man felt that her providing him with money was removing the incentive for him to do work-study or get a job which it seems he needs to do? For a temporary teen-age relationship?</p>
<p>I would tell my young lady that she needs to focus on schoolwork and so does he, and he needs to get a job and they can skype and see each other once in a while when he comes home for visits, but that I would not be having teenage boys spend the night over.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>All she’s facilitating is the opportunity for her daughter to have a guest stay at their home (a guest who is most likely sleeping on the couch).</p>
<p>If this isn’t interfering with her daughter’s academic or other responsibilities, what’s wrong with it? The young man’s academic and other responsibilities are not the girl’s mother’s problem.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t even assume that they are necessarily having sex. He’s at her home on the weekends, when her parents probably are not working. Privacy may be difficult to come by (especially if the parents don’t want them to have the opportunity).</p>
<p>So, she’s thinking about HER daughter. What about the boy, and what’s best for him in the long run? Should that not be at least SOMEWHAT of a consideration. If he should be working rather than coming home every weekend? </p>
<p>I’m not assuming they’re having sex - I’m saying why put that temptation right there in front of them. I have 3 daughters. We do not have overnight male guests until the girls are 18. And THEN the young man can sleep on the couch. I guess everyone has their own house rules. I just find the behavior kind of…well…shocking for parents of a 16 year old.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t assume that the girl’s parents know whether the boy is fulfilling his responsibilities or even what his responsibilities are.</p>
<p>When my son was in high school, he had a girlfriend for about a year (also a high school student). They spent a great deal of time together, often at our house. I made a point of being aware of whether this was preventing him from getting his schoolwork done – just as I made a point of being aware of whether his part-time job was preventing him from getting his schoolwork done.</p>
<p>I don’t have the slightest idea whether the time they spent together interfered with her schoolwork. I also don’t know whether her parents might have been pressuring her to get a job. How would I know something like that?</p>
<p>I think that’s why OP needs to tell her son that he needs to get a job, or some of the non-necessities may not be covered anymore, and that she sees these weekend visits as a stumbling block to his getting a job.</p>
<p>I’m not in favor of telling the other mom.</p>
<p>I guess every situation is different. I know what’s going on (for the most part) with my D and her boyfriend. I know his parents. I know what they like and what they don’t and their expectations. I know how he’s doing in school, etc. We all just sort of communicate. Even though they’re in college, and adults, we don’t do overnight visits because HIS parents would not approve. Even with sleeping on the couch. It’s just not necessary. I realize that’s not the norm. I don’t apologize for any of us not being normal. :D</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Perhaps he could get a weekends-only job at a retail store or restaurant in his hometown and stay at his own home on the weekends. He would have opportunities to see his girlfriend during the hours when he isn’t working. Of course, this means giving up the weekend social life on campus, but that might be his preference. No sneaking around would be necessary, and it wouldn’t be necessary for a 16-year-old girl to spend weekends on a college campus.</p>