<p>When my D was 16 her BF was 19 in college. His parents did not approve, which was very hurtful since his mom had been my best friend since hs.</p>
<p>I did let him visit and sleep on the couch. She asked me to forbid it, but since I saw no harm in the relation (I know for a fact did not include sex), I said it was her job. His parents had little leverage since they weren’t paying for college.</p>
<p>However, I would never have given him money. I would have felt like I was procuring a BF for my D. If the girl’s safety is in question, she can be forbidden from going. They don’t HAVE to see each other if he can’t afford it. As the mother of a boy as well this would make me feel uncomfortable that strangers were inside our family undermining the work ethic I was trying to instill.</p>
<p>Money does seem a sticky wicket because of the job issue.</p>
<p>The OP needs to understand she can’t control her son; she can only decide her own actions and how much she wants to support his behavior.</p>
<p>If sex ( statutory rape) is not an issue I would give him one semester grace about the job, give him the money to visit the GF, and tell him we’d revisit the issue. Perhaps CC would be the answer or a nearby commuter school if money and maturity were the issue.</p>
<p>OP, how often are these weekend visits happening? Is it every weekend, or just once a month or so? I’d be more understanding if it were occasional visits than if it were every weekend.</p>
<p>I do understand the concern that it’s keeping him from getting a job, and may be impacting his grades. </p>
<p>The concern that this girl has already dumped him twice and that these visits are a step backward that will lead to more heartache could also be legitimate… but for that point I’d say this may be one of those painful life lessons he’ll just have to learn for himself.</p>
<p>I did that my first semester freshman year. Visited my BF at his college (3 hour bus ride) then after he dropped out (6 weeks) visited him in our city. He sometimes came to stay with me on campus too but i had a roommate. </p>
<p>I didn’t tell my mom and when she found out she was mad. Kind of hurt-mad, that I was spending all this time in our city but with BF and his family and not her.</p>
<p>FWIW I left that college after a semester. Moved in with BF. Later we broke up and I returned to a different college in our city, a more mature and wiser student…with a full time job to pay for my studies.</p>
<p>There is NOTHING my mom could have done to change what I was doing at that time.</p>
<p>The girlfriends parents would be better off spending their money on birth control. If you believe that he is sleeping on the couch and they aren’t having sex… Well… Maybe not so much. I will also say that that is normal behavior for teenagers but HE is the one that can go to jail for having sex befor the age of legal consent.</p>
<p>I’d sit down with him to see how he excuses allowing his girlfriends mother pay for his personal expenses rather than earning it himself.
Obviously he doesn’t have to tell you everything, but I’d be concerned about whether this relationship is the best thing for either of them- it very well may be important, he certainly is acting like it is, but I would want to know that he is not using it as a distraction and excuse from participating more at school.
Is his girlfriend a jr or senior in high school?</p>
<p>Do you seriously expect telling an 18 year old this will change his behavior? That’s the age when humans know everything and everyone else is, well, dumb (to put it as politely as I can think of). Add the hormones of love into the mix and all it will do is drive him further away from the family since he KNOWS what is going on and they don’t.</p>
<p>Kids mature at their own rates. There are times when one has to let them make their own decisions for good or bad.</p>
<p>If they are in a state where sex is illegal I would be sure he knew that, but otherwise, just love him or you’re likely to lose him.</p>
<p>We do our best when we raise them, but at 18, our “boss” hat disappears. We’re still around for advice (when asked or for legal things), and of course, many still need some financial support (unless you want to drive him into a minimum wage working man’s life), but you have to let your “no longer little” bird fly and just grimace when he makes choices you wouldn’t. They aren’t miniature versions of us. They are themselves and may have different values than we do. Such is life. Loving them shouldn’t come with strings IMO.</p>
<p>The #1 priority here is for the OP to have an adult conversation with her son with regard to protection against an unwanted pregnancy. Then deal with the matters that won’t permanently alter the course of his life such as his dependence on this girl’s mother, her interest in furthering the relationship, and his grades. </p>
<p>Of course the OP’s son is a legal adult and of course she still loves him. That doesn’t mean standing deaf and mute in all cases (yes you pick what is important - this is) while he makes immature or foolish choices.</p>
<p>Kids at 18 may think they know it all and do not want to listen to anyone, but it doesn’t mean we should just leave them be. I let my kids know my views on what’s right or wrong, even when they are rolling their eyes, because if I don’t then they wouldn’t have a base line. Kids do hear us even when they don’t want to follow our advice. </p>
<p>I would tell my kid that it is wrong to tell money from people with no intention of paying back. It is called a hand out. A grown, able person wouldn’t do that. I would also tell him that I am giving up a lot by paying for his college tuition, and I want him to focus on his school work, stay on campus to get a full college experience. If OP haven’t had a conversation with him about what kind of GPA she expected from him then she should have it now. I wouldn’t threaten to pull him out of school because he is visiting his girlfriend, but I would stop paying for college if his GPA were to go below X.</p>
<p>Is there a non-parent who can talk with him about this? Many, many times teens will listen to someone they respect outside of the family more than a parent. Is there a teacher? Spiritual leader? Uncle?</p>
<p>No one implied the OP didn’t love her son. If she didn’t love him, she wouldn’t care and wouldn’t be on here asking for advice. But trying to still wear the parent hat and forcing him to make decisions she wants - esp when love hormones are in the cards - will only drive a larger wedge into the situation from his perspective.</p>
<p>An excellent idea, if it hasn’t happened already. </p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I’m not sure about the importance of a “full college experience.” Not all students want it or value it, especially if they have other things going on in their lives – like a relationship with someone in their home town.</p>
<p>I live less than an hour from our flagship state university, the University of Maryland at College Park. Vast numbers of kids from our area go there (one of mine did), but they do it in different ways. Some live on campus and rarely come home except during scheduled breaks, in typical “true college experience” style. Some come home every weekend – and may even have weekend jobs at home. Some commute. And all of these options seem to turn out pretty well.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This is a good point. Kids who have not yet been financially independent may not realize how adults view this sort of thing, and there is an adult (the girl’s mother) involved here.</p>
And that’s fine, but then don’t waste my money. He could move back home to go to a commuter college. A lot of parents go without themselves so they could pay additional room and board for their kids to live on campus. If it’s not important to OP’s son, then stay home.</p>
<p>I’m with Creekland here. I just wanted to express my support. </p>
<p>18 is an adult. </p>
<p>We’re Jewish and for us 13 is an adult and responsible for one’s actions, but there is certainly a slow gradual loosening that occurs between 13-18. But 18 is definitely an adult, with adult decisions and adult mistakes. </p>
<p>I’m not even sure this is a mistake. Who are we to say. They love each other. Let them be. </p>
<p>If their not breaking any laws and have the girl’s parents approval, I’d give your son credit for going behind your back. He didn’t want you to know because he knew it would upset you. You no longer should be running his life and you’ve invaded his privacy. </p>
<p>He needs your support to get through college, but I don’t think you should treat the financial support as a license to tell him how to run his life. If you do, as soon has he can, he’ll break that leash and you’ll lose him completely. </p>
<p>He needs to know that you trust his judgement and it needs to be true.</p>
<p>I personally don’t know what the girl’s mother is thinking of, to have her 16 year old go out with a college kid. We really discourage our girls from going out with any guys more than 1 year or 2 older than them, especially when they were in 9th or 10th grade. D2 went out with out with a junior when she was a freshman briefly. He broke up with her because she didn’t live up to his expectation.</p>
<p>Sounds like they are two years apart. Doesn’t sound unreasonable to me. When I was 18, 16 certainly wasn’t too young. Sneaking around wasn’t necessary. Parents trusted their kids in my circles. Also 16 is probably 11th grade.</p>
<p>When I was a sixteen yr. old h.s. junior, I started dating an eighteen yr. old college freshman boy (who was also fr. my small hometown). His college was one hour away. He had an old beat up Toyota Corolla but no job. He came home to see me every weekend. He stayed at his home. His Mom didn’t seem to mind. My Mom didn’t like it so much. I was head over heels in love…certain that he was the love of my life. If she had tried to put at stop to our relationship it would have been ugly. </p>
<p>We went on this way all the way through my junior and senior year of h.s. counting the days until I could attend his college. I was so happy to go to his school. I guess togetherness was too much of a good thing. He broke up with me by the end of my first semester. </p>
<p>These things will naturally run their course. It’s still early in the OP’s son’s freshman year. Not unusual to still hang on to a h.s. relationship. It will likely wear itself out over time…or not.<br>
If it were my S I wouldn’t want the girl’s parents paying his way or staying at the girl’s house every weekend either. I’d find some other compromise so that he could stay at his own home and then work on the finding the job part. He is eighteen,not twelve. His feelings are real. It might not last forever but right now he feels like it will. If the OP tries to pull the rug out from under the romance now, it will effect her relationship w/ her S in a bad way.</p>
<p>OP, does your S think you don’t know he’s coming to town every weekend? </p>
<p>p.s. After the breakup, I started dating another guy who went to a different college. I was an eighteen year old freshman, he was a twenty one year old senior. We got married after my soph, year, one week before my twentieth birthday. We celebrated our 30th anniversary last June.
Don’t underestimate the power of young love.</p>
<p>According to OP, they started going out before he went off to college. I would have to assume the young 16 year old girl was 14 or 15 when they started dating, maybe not.</p>