Commenting on Weight Loss

Parent Cafe
1

I have lost about 45 pounds and suddenly this week I’ve gone from almost nobody commenting on it to quite a few people doing so. It made me aware that I never comment on weight loss. It’s not that I mind people commenting since I. Was trying to lose ( I mean how could I dislike “Have you lost weight, you look fantastic”) it’s just that I feel like you never know about people and so I feel like it’s awakward to do this.

It’s also a bit of a social experiment. It’s intersting to see who comment and how. There’s the people who just blurt it out “OMG youve lost a TON of weight” and those who quietly say ‘Hey did you lose weight?” And then there’s the people who crack me up. Like the person who when I said “yes” that I did said “ Well I can tell! I can always tell when people lose weight” ( hmmm good for you being able to tell a 45 pound loss, you’re super observant , is what I did not say but kinda wanted to). Lol. Or the people who sau, so you cut out sugar and carbs huh? insist you must have even when you sau no.

Do you comment on weight loss. If you’ve lost weight do you want others to comment ?

2

All I ever say is, “Wow! You look fantastic!” (If they do look fantastic. Sometimes people look ill and thin, and then all I say is, “I’m so glad to see you.”)

And then I follow the other person’s lead.

3

I try to be cognizant and not comment on weight loss specifically unless I know that is something the person has been working on. Like above, I’d just say, “you look great!”

4

@eastcoascrazy and @abasket are kind and sensitive friends. After a significant weight loss, I hated when people asked how much I had lost. And anything more than “you look great” made it seem they thought I looked like a cow before.

5

I work in a health care/hospital setting. I liken the weight loss thing to what I have trained my mind to think when I run into someone I know at the hospital/clinics. Your first reaction is to say “hi! So good to see you!” - but then if you think about where they are - at a doctor’s office or hospital - they may be there for a routine something = or they may be there with a problem for themselves or a loved one. So, it’s persona and you just don’t ask. You greet them positively in a general manner and if more comes up in conversation, you take it from there.

6

I always say, “hey, you look great!”. Now, if I’m fairly close to the person, and see them semi regularly, I wouldn’t feel awkward asking…but that’s totally on our relationship.

My MIL says sly things all the time. Thankfully she lives in Florida and I only see her twice a year. My favorite dig was one that she gave my ex-SIL (still a good friend of mine.) She was visiting and came up to SIL and said quietly, “Why Jennifer, you look so skinny. Have you been ill?

Sis and I still laugh about that one.

7

I also lost a lot of weight over the past two years and attended a gathering with a lot of people I hadn’t seen in awhile - - some before i lost any of it. It got embarrassing, honestly. I don’t know how to respond to “You look great!” over and over other than to say “thank you” and for people who kind of squint and are clearly wondering WHAT has changed, it’s even weirder. I am glad I look great, and am also glad no one told me I looked terrible when I thought I did. Is there something off-putting about the tone of surprise that comes with the compliment?

My D mentioned she lost weight recently and I was very careful not to overreact to that. She’s not unhealthy, never was. I don’t want her to feel about weight like I did growing up…I want her to feel good and healthy and that’s how I responded to her about it.

I passed a weight milestone this week and resisted the urge to tell her about it. I only use weight as a measure because it’s so easy to measure - scale is right there. I do tell her about my cholesterol coming back into healthy range and stuff like that :smiley:

8

Almost 30 years ago I knew an extremely obese woman. After years in therapy she opened up that her obesity was a “shield” as he had been sexually abused from a very (very) young age, and ate her way through the feelings, and said “no one will want to touch me ever again”. She told me that every time she would begin to lose weight and be ok about it, some unsuspecting person would comment about it, “you look great”, “have you lost weight”, “what’s your secret”. It was a trigger for her, and she would immediately get back to work putting on the weight to “shield” herself from anyone seeing her as “pretty” again. Sad and true ending to her story, she committed suicide and left behind a letter to her family, that a male acquaintance had commented on her body changing and she was just not going to go through what she had gone through before.

My personal feeling is “we” (collective and universal) should not be asking about someone’s weight or their “dating life”. It is really nobody’s business. These are just 2 triggers for many individuals. A pleasant “it’s so nice to see you” or “how was your summer” are about all the conversation starters needed for someone we’re not really close to. It’s not about being “PC” it’s about being thoughtful.

9

Considering that body fat / weight is so connected to social status and self image in many people’s minds, it is easy for any comment about it in a social situation, even complimentary, to be taken as an insult by someone (including a third party present at the conversation), unless you know everyone well enough to know that they will not be insulted.

10

I will be more aware of this and not comment, unless I know the person well to know they like the comment!

11

I agree that “You look great” is a nice compliment, in general. I’d say it to a friend wearing a great outfit or a color that looks wonderful on her. But the “Have you lost weight” question implies they noticed how you looked (or that you were heavier) before and possible judgment.

When I lost a lot, I was struck how few mentioned anything. I do remember who did compliment how I looked. Not that you want to hear you look “better,” ugh, but just a nice friendly thing to say, imo.

12

I prefer to avoid commenting on other’s weight. I don’t like it when people comment on mine, even when it appears to be meant as a compliment. Like many females, I have a complicated relationship with my body and food.

I have lost a little weight over the last year or so. Not tons. I don’t think I’m underweight. I wear a size 6 or 8, depending on the fit of the clothes. I don’t own a scale, so I’m not exactly sure what I weigh. I was a 8 or 10 before.

What I find disheartening is the increase in comments about what I’m eating or not eating, or any comments about my weight. For example: a few weeks ago, during our lunch break with the hiking club, one female club member exclaimed, “Is that all you’re eating for lunch?!”

I walked into the office the other day, rubbing my hands together and said, “Hoo-boy! I’m cold!” A male coworker blurted out, “Put on ten pounds and you won’t be cold!”

In a casual conversation with some people I don’t know that well, talking about Thanksgiving, and I mentioned I really love cherry pie (versus pumpkin) and they said, “Oh, you don’t eat dessert”.

IDK, our culture is super weird about food, what people eat, and the size of their bodies.

I’ll be curious to know @maya54 as you continue to lose weight if the peanut gallery comments go from friendly & complimentary, to having a slightly aggressive tone.

One of my kids went through a phase in HS where she was aggressively dieting. It was alarming and we sought out professional help. The therapist said to us, it’s really hard because she is getting so much positive buzz about the new thinner version of herself from the other girls at school.

There are just so many reasons to talk about something else!

13

“I’ll be curious to know @maya54 as you continue to lose weight if the peanut gallery comments go from friendly & complimentary, to having a slightly aggressive tone.”

I have another 15 pounds to go so I’ll let you know! Hope to be there by Spring.

14

weight in itself is just not a thing I am inclined to comment on. There are so many better ways to acknowledge a person’s hard work. “Hey, you look great in that dress.” “You look so healthy! You must be working out.” “That color is really flattering to you.” Or simply, “you look good!” These are the types of things I’d say, rather than, “you lost weight.”

15

I’m super careful about saying anything unless I know for sure the person is trying to lose weight. I remember years ago when my mil was diagnosed with cancer people were telling her how great she looked, but her weight loss was because of the disease and she wasted away to nothing because of the tumors. I also stick to “you look great” type comments.

16

I try to say “you look great” and not say “have you lost weight.” Maybe I’d add “you look so fit” or “you look so happy” or make a specific comment about a nice pair of shoes. Like some posters above, if I know someone has been trying to lose weight or get in shape, I will feel freer to make an encouraging comment. I don’t like food and diet talk, so I won’t go down that route.

Thinking of what I prefer, I do like people to tell me I look good. I wouldn’t care if someone told me I was thinner, but I’d be thrilled to hear “you look fit” or “you look lean”—or better yet “you look so young”!

17

@Midwest67, your post was a BINGO statement. Well said.

18

One time when I lost 70 pounds, a neighborhood woman, who I saw at a gathering once a month, repeatedly told me I had lost half of myself. It was close to true, but I found it quite odd.

19

I never comment on weight. If you say"you look great" that can be taken as “before you looked atrocious, thank goodness you did something about it” . I lost about 40lbs and I get that people want to admire your determination – butweight is soooo personal. If they were to mention it, I go with"wow, you must be really pleased with meeting that goal or something along those lines

My go to greeting is " I’m so glad to see you". Covers illness, grief, weight, joy, justabout everything.

20

Over the last few years I’ve lost about 25 lbs. I have one SIL who always comments and asks if I’ve lost or says you must feel so good. It irritates me as this is a person who eats very little and has unhealthy issues with food. I always want to say I’m happy and my happiness comes from within not because of my outward appearance. On the other hand she irritates me in general so I might cut someone else more slack.
About 8 years ago I lost a lot of weight and a woman I knew in an organization I belonged to told me I looked like I had lost weight. She said I hope it’s for a good reason and not due to stress or illness. I didn’t have a problem with that.
Thinking more about it a lot depends on the delivery and who is saying it.