Dear College Confidential Parents:
Am a parent of an incoming Gr 9 student - we are currently living in the suburbs but managed to secure a spot in a private school that merits either a) commute that takes 1-1.5 hrs depending on traffic (one way) or b) renting a place near the new school (While at the same time maintaining the suburban home). We did factor in the commute when we applied and asked our child for his take and since he really wanted to go to this private school.
Just seeking advice or thoughts on how to manage this - as we older folks know, sometimes reality hits you once you’re actually doing it (in this case, the commute). For now, we will let things run its course.
Thank you for your thoughts… and I’m new to this forum so my apologies if it’s inappropriate to start a new thread like this on this section.
Suburbs of what city? How much would renting an apartment cost? Is the commute on public transportation or driving? Who would be driving? Need more info to advise.
FWIW, my D26 “commutes” to her school - about 50 minutes to an hour door-to-door on public transit. It’s been fine for her. The biggest issue is that she wakes up early for the commute (up every morning at 6am). She ends up doing some light reading or last minute prep on her way to school, so she finds a use for the time. On the return, she’s usually chatting with friends that have a similar commute. All in all, it’s not been bad for her and the commute gives her a nice level of independence that she values.
I know a lot of kids who commute- either a private van (if there is critical mass in the neighborhood heading to the school) or public transportation.
It’s an adjustment, but mostly an easy one. The kids quickly learn their own pace-- nap in the morning, do homework on the way home? Or study for a quiz in the morning and then listen to music to unwind on the way home to prepare for dinner and homework?
I don’t know anyone who has done the apartment thing- mainly because the city in question (NYC) is prohibitively expensive. So I can’t help there.
But the kids I know who do it and have done it quickly figure out how to make it work. I can’t imagine driving a kid every day (and then back again, and then the parent has to make it to work on time!) but I live in an area with good public transportation so the kids who opt for a Manhattan HS are all savvy about commuter train to NYC subway connections.
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My daughter had about an hour commute by bus each way to high school or 40 minutes driving which she did after she got her license. The school was worth the effort, but I do want to point out that there was a lot of driving for social things, clubs, and sports because friends were scattered all over the place. It was a big commitment for us as parents and for her as a student.
I think an hour and a half each way is a big burden and I would lean towards renting near school if you can swing it financially.
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You can’t find almost as good a school closer ?
That’s a three hour daily burden. And you’re not even earning money yet - but it’s like working in NYC but living in Long Island.
As others noted, kids do that - but often out of necessity.
I wouldn’t choose to do that.
And renting - if it’s $2k a month - can you swing that ? Does it work ok for your work and family life ?
Are other kids at this school commuting like that - otherwise either your student will struggle outside of class (activity wise) or get home really late with a quick turnaround.
If it’s worth it to you and you can live closer, ok.
Personally and I’m not you, that’s far too big a commitment otherwise.
Best of luck.
Actually a four to six hour daily burden if the parent drives, comes home and then returns for pickup. That’s untenable unless the student is (very) soon to be driving on their own.
I’m with others, why isn’t this student using public transport? I did a 90 minute journey each way for middle and high school every day, on my own (two public buses plus a mile or so walk in each direction) starting at age 11. It was fine, and definitely worth it to attend the school. If the student is motivated to attend the school then they should be able to make it work.
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Wow. I mean cold weather, rain. Wow
Thank for very much for all who replied so far. Sorry to not include some details on the original post - I will add them here based on the replies so far:
a) I am fortunate enough to be retired - so me driving to and fro (or even just hanging out in a mall near the school) every weekday is not an issue…
b) My brother in law lives near my son’s school - a 20 minute commute by the subway. This is our “emergency” place to stay for unforseen circumstances.
c) 1.5 hrs commute is a conservative estimate - I assumed 30 mins extra time for traffic for any accidents on the road, road closures, etc. Technically, if we leave early and avoid rush hour - we can do it 1 hr (+/- 10 mins) - we’ve driven the route on a school day…
d) there is an option to drive to the nearest subway stop from the burbs and take the subway - it will still entail at least an hour (but eliminates having to deal with downtown traffic).
e) yes, instead of paying $2k for rent each month for the whole year, a short term 6 month lease is probably worth considering too - so that’s also an option (there are short term leases that I see for $2k per month). It does not eliminate a commute but clearly it will be 15-30 mins instead of the 1-1.5 hr estimate (one way).
Many thanks for all - I see differing opinions - as we have not done it, maybe the best way is to give it a shot during the first few weeks and adjust - am just thinking of what possibilities are there as options. Thank you very much all parents! 
︎
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Sorry I don’t know how to edit my earlier post - am adding more info since I saw a post indicating the potential sked -
we’ve done the trip driving to school during interviews (prior to him being accepted) - we were obviously 45 mins early then before school started but left the house 645am and arrived school at 745am. that entailed my son waking up everyday at around 600am-615am. As mentioned he will just be sitting in the car (and I’ll be driving) ︎
Or maybe do it during summer b4 school starts so you can pivot away if it turns out too onerous.
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Growing up, my mother lived in eastern Queens, NY, and I attended Hunter College HS in Manhattan, a nearly two-hour commute by bus and two subway lines each way. I did this every day for grades 7-12. For me it was 100% worth it. I got a ton of reading and homework done during my commutes, and stayed over with friends when I had late after school activities. It truly depends on your kid though.
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If renting the part ent is a realistic option and is within your means, I’d do it. I had a similar commute to high school in NYC. One year I grew 6 inches and was tired when I git home. I then proceeded to fall asleep over my homework and as a result couldn’t keep up. My high school, probably like the one you’re considering, expected 3 hours per night of homework. There weren’t enough hours in the day.
I’m not saying that it can’t be done, but with all of the changes that adolescents go through, you can’t really predict if your kid is the one who will become overwhelmed.
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For folks outside of the NY Metro area (I’m sure it happens elsewhere, but I’m less familiar with the commuting pattern)- this is very common.
You can live within the 5 boroughs and still have a VERY long commute to one of the public exam HS’s… it sounds crazy for people who live elsewhere- but Stuyvesant, for example, a public (free) HS which is on par with some of the most elite HS’s in the country. So if your kid gets in- and you live in the Bronx and your kid has to take a bus and then a long subway ride-- you do it.
So for the privates- same dynamic although obviously not free, and then they draw from a larger region than just the city limits. There are kids who are professional level dancers for example. Family has decided not to home school the kid (not every parent is qualified or up to it). So that leaves the schools sponsored by the ballet company- which some families do. And that’s a lengthy commute especially with rehearsals tacked on. Or the family opts for a private HS in NYC which is used to accommodating young actors, performers, etc. so academic classes in the morning, then early release to attend the artistic institution in the afternoon. Long commutes in many cases- but the family decides it’s “worth it”.
Kids in my neighborhood take a 45 minute train ride to Grand Central and then spread out… in some cases, a five minute subway ride, in others, 25 minutes plus a transfer. And the question “aren’t there more appropriate schools closer to home” the answer is almost always “no”. The family has explored those options. A 2E kid-- the parents are tired of fighting the public school system for 8 years to get what the kid needs for the LD AND for the appropriate gifted type enrichment (and those budgets have been cut in many places). So the trade-off is a long commute- but the right educational environment for a kid who needs learning support AND advancement/enrichment, etc. Or a family who lives in one of the “sports crazed” suburban communities where academics are secondary in the HS and only the jocks get appropriate attention… Lots of reasons.
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Yes, we have friends whose son commuted from Park Slope in Brooklyn to Bronx High School of Science way up almost to Van Cortlandt Park. But he did it and got into Penn.
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Bingo! I lived in NYC for a few years. This last paragraph sorta describes what we are going through -we (father, mother and kid) wanted it - but we are adults who have more experience on commutes/travel. not sure if my son truly understands what it entails, so i wanted to find out what you guys did or went through ︎
each person is unique, of course. it really boils down to tradeoffs - as with life. but i wanted to make sure i considered some other perspectives too.
as to the suggestion we get used to it during summer, yes, we most certainly can try, but it’s hard to simulate actual school day just by enrolling in a summer activity downtown everyday (traffic is also less intense during school vacations, as with all cities, save for NYC and LA ︎)
we remain flexible and if need to cough up an extra 12k per year, well, not chump change but I can save on gas and tolls haha
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fellow Penn alumn here ︎ thanks for helping and your insights ︎
A few more thoughts since you said you are retired and have the time to do the commute -
That time in the car with my daughter, with no distractions, was a gift. Some of our best talks happened in the car. And HS flies by. Flies! I’m now very grateful that I had that one on one time with her!
In the summer I had to drive to/from for practices and I mapped out all the nearby parks (and had the mall for rainy days) so I could get in my walk/exercise, the nearby library, etc… It helped to have a plan on how to spend those hours doing something productive.
And if your child isn’t prone to motion sickness, they can get a lot of work/studying done during the commute.
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Thank you, good reminder on the time on the commute with my son… that is what I also thought of HS, it does fly… soon we (my wife and I) will be empty nesters 
Students where I live in NJ use public transportation to get to private schools, I think one of the differences is that there isn’t a parent driving back and forth. It seems easier to join clubs and sports, that might involve weekends, plus if friends want to get together outside of school parents might not have to have to drive hours. That was always a downside (I do know many who’ve done it including my kids’ friends and SO’s). Easier when they get their licenses (17 here).