Does your state allow unilateral recording of conversations? Have your son either program his phone to record when he and the roommate are in the room or set his computer up to do so. Can he set up a camera to surreptitiously record at night? One shot of the roommate patting his head should do the trick.
Also, have any of the other residents of the dorm noticed anything off about the roommate?
He should go to the RA, at least about the neatness issues. Take a video or some photos of the room before hand so if the roommate gets wind of it and cleans, there is proof.
I think when your adult DS or DD is in danger at any age, particularly college age, defining it as such and working a course of action through with them promptly is indicated. If they can’t quite wrap their head around it, suggesting that together you see what the relevant experts at the college have to say makes sense to me. This is something that the college has seen some version of before; you don’t have to have all the answers, just a willingness to address real circumstances. You become an ally in the process with your son, as you are gathering information together and can then formulate the best way forward. Excellent role modeling. You are afraid your response could blow things up; fair enough. Go with your son immediately to get expert input and assess options, exactly as you might if he were in medical peril. Red flags are meant to be alerts. All the best.
This is really a parent’s nightmare.
I am trying to put myself in OP’s shoes, and I don’t know what I would do.
It sounds like a huge public university, would there be other HS classmates of the roommates that your son knows of? This kind of behaviors might have a track record back home and it could be helpful to know what kind of person he was in HS?
Really feel this for you and hopefully you/your son can find a good way out of this situation soon.
I have repeatedly told my son this is serious. I also said in my last post, that I am afraid to do something because that action may provoke the roommate, more than just leavng them as they are.
I have checked on-line and cannot find anything about him aside from a few things that aren’t concerning, but hiring an investigator might be helpful. Thank you.
PS…It sounds as if your son thinks he is handling it by disengaging, and it’s good that hes taken some steps, and gotten another place to sleep some nights, but…your son is being violated…his space, his privacy, his body. He cannot feel safe sleeping in his own room. That cannot continue, and I don’t think he can handle something of that magnitude on his own.
I checked the roommate’s FB page and he has hundreds of friends. Obviously, I don’t know if they are “real” friends, classmates, acquaintances, etc. I did not find anything alarming.
What does this student’s other parent think of this situation?
At this point, I would be protecting my kid. Let the experts look for other evidence of issues. That’s really not your hunt right now. Your hunt should be to help your son.
The reason why I was being so rude (and I think I was) was because of the reason that you and your son are so afraid of what the roommate might do if your son moves out.
Which is why I suggested that maybe an older more responsible adult come and escalate this. Because an 18 year old kid should never feel afraid of what another student might do to them. Because sometimes because you do feel out of your league, you should ask for advice from those in charge.
It’s a different world out there. Any threats or perceived threats should be talked over with a person trained in these situations. Every campus should have had training in how to handle these exact situations without the person accused knowing who is the whistleblower is.
Maybe the head of the housing department will think that the roommate is just odd, (although I seriously doubt it). They will do what they can to make sure your son is safe. I would suspect that the roommate would be removed from campus.
Once upon a time, I would think that the people in charge would gloss over this. I don’t think they would anymore in the climate we live in now.
But why wouldn’t we ask the questions of the people trained for this situation and who have experience in handling threats.
It is important for you, your son, or both of you to get a Confidential ( underscore ) consultation.
You have no idea at this point whether the roommate is dangerous, trying to psychologically bully your son so as to feel powerful, and/or is angling to get him to move out so that he ( the bully) can get a single.
Your goal is to assist your son in removing this irritant ( at least) , distraction, or danger, or removing himself from the situation.
A consultation with a licensed psychologist or mental health counselor ( assuming your counseling center has one) would be an excellent place to start. That professional may be able to direct you to the most savvy administrator on campus and can help your son sort through his options.
I agree that you want to deescalate the situation. Some very well meaning university administrators can inadvertently escalate the situation.
The devil is in the details. I have worked in this field ( psychologist on a college campus) for almost 40 years. You and your son could benefit from an individualized assessment of his circumstances. Number # priority is that your son needs a place to sleep where he can feel safe.
So sorry that you and your son have this as a worry.
No action also leads to escalating behavior. Every boundary an abuser pushes and gets away with just extends the boundary. Also, your son simply pulling away could escalate behavior because the abuser feels as though they are losing control.
Sorry, this is where my head goes. If your son spends his waking hours away and only sleeps in his room, then the bully can only bully your son when he is sleeping.
This thought would make me take immediate action to find him a safe place to sleep.
I would not make a big announcement to the roommate, but have my son pack a bag and bring his electronics and stay elsewhere (vrbo, hotel) until the situation is resolved.
You can also request the school refrain from disciplining the roommate until they have made different living arrangements for your son. You can also ask what steps will be taken to protect your son.
Agree it could take a few phone calls to find the right individual to handle. Starting with student health services is an option.
This is why I suggested filing it as a Title IX complaint. It doesn’t matter if the housing person thinks it is just odd, the Title IX people will take an unwanted touching seriously, and the photos of someone sleeping seriously.
Kids don’t use facebook. I am not surprised you did not find anything. Freshman year sadly is a time when kids who were perfectly fine in high school have psychotic breaks. I had a cousin who fell apart in college and know of two or three other cases as well. Your son’s roommate’s mother may not know her son has gone off the deep end.
I echo everyone else, my first priority would be to get my kid out of there.
I got chills reading your story because my son experienced something similar when he was a college freshman.
In our case, my son’s roommate started acting strangely a few weeks into their first semester. Among other things, he started taking pictures of my son while he was sleeping which he then sent to him over snapchat so that they would disappear. When my son confronted him, he confessed that he would watch my son sleep and had the urge each night to slit his throat. He also admitted to struggling with delusions and other mental health issues for years.
Since it was Sunday night when I found out, I had our son reach out to the dorm manager (an adult) so that he could have a safe place to sleep. After talking to the roommate, who said he was only joking, the manager determined that the problem was one of communication–my son was not being forceful enough in telling the roommate that he didn’t like it when the roommate threatened to slit his throat. The manager told the roommate to apologize and sent them back to their room. Needless to say, I was furious and had my son stay elsewhere.
The next morning, I started by calling the university president and when he didn’t answer, I called every number I could find until someone did. I ended up speaking to someone from residence life who was horrified. She immediately spoke to the roommate and had him removed from the room and to an off campus apartment. The roommate’s father pushed back against his son’s removal and things devolved from there. It was an awful semester.
I was naive enough to believe that the university was interested in protecting my son and getting help for his roommate when they were mostly just interested in protecting their reputation and safety statistics. But as awful as the process was, I would do it all again because doing nothing might have led to a different, horrible outcome. Please get help for your son.
Fair enough. But if the roommate is removed from campus, what do you think will happen next? He will go away quietly? No, he will seek retaliation. There is no way to stop him from getting on campus and as I said, he knows my son’s schedule. So will my son go into a bubble and hide? Social media doesn’t allow that. Knowing where the roommate is, is better than not knowing when he will show up.
Everyone is all snarly and mamma bear, but guess what, that approach will not work in this situation. The process has to be calculated carefully. When your kids are young and in an unsafe situation, you pull them out of it and you make sure they don’t return to it. Trust me, I have been doing it for 18 years. This is not the case here. My son will still be there. I cannot watch over him 24 hours. He cannot predict the roommates every move if the rooommate has been asked to leave.
I will ask the people in charge how to proceed. In this case, I would be the whistleblower. But I won’t go all out gangbuster without a plan in place. Not because I don’t want to, but because the repercussions could be worse than how things are now.
And again, my son is not asking for advice. He thinks he has it under control Any intervention by me is not wanted. So I am treading on a slippery slope trying to figure out the best way to proceed.
Thank you. This makes a lot of sense. My fear is exactly that…it will get escalated inadvertently. I will see if we/he can contact the counseling center. That is a hard one for him unfortunately.