I don’t understand this, though. Right now this roommate has access to your son while your son is most vulnerable - when he’s sleeping. Getting your son out of that room means that at least he’s not sleeping and totally unprotected in any future encounters with the roommate. That should be goal #1.
Does that mean the roommate gives up and leaves your son alone? Maybe, maybe not. But the other things the roommate could do if your son was out of that room would at least be done when your son is awake, aware and around other people. So the roommate shows up at your son’s class. It’s awkward, but there will be other people around to help if needed and after even one of those type stalking incidents your son could easily get a restraining order, etc.
I just can’t understand if you think the roommate is this unhinged why wouldn’t priority #1 bar none be getting your son out of the room so he’s not literally sleeping feet away from this other kid. The rest of it is less critical and can be handled if necessary but getting your kid out of a room situation where he’s sleeping next to someone you’re “terrified” of should be the immediate first step.
What exactly are you waiting for? What level of escalation would be enough to provoke action?
OP - Can you call your local police and ask them for advice? They may be able to walk you through the appropriate steps to tackle this to keep you son safe from retaliation.
I guess I don’t see how making arrangements for him to stay in a vrbo or hotel for a few nights while you get advice will somehow provoke the bully to stalk him at classes or confront him. If there is an encounter, he can just say he’s crashing at friends.
All my kids roommates come and go. Overnight stays with girlfriends/boyfriends. Camping for a weekend. Ski trips. Mine hardly know who is coming and going.
This could also be an opportunity for a troubled young man to get help.
I understand your fear. D had a controlling, troubled bf in college. He had a gun and I was terrified he’d show up to her apartment,
He ultimately took his life. The irony is that his death continued to control her for a long time.
Or why can’t your son just say that his mom is visiting for the weekend and wants him to stay with her during the visit? And then you guys use this time to meet with counselors and get some clarity about what steps to take next to permanently get out of the room without causing hard feelings.
Your son will not appease him by staying. The roommate will never back down on his norm-shattering behavior. He will for sure escalate—and this is the important part—NO MATTER WHAT. Whether you son stays in the room or leaves. Whether he becomes friendly to him or not. Whether he calls him out on his behavior or not. It will STILL escalate.
That’s why it’s important for them to be physically separated.
Let me ask this question of the OP (@Territapper) …would you respond and act (not act) the same way if this was a daughter? I’m seriously asking. Because in my opinion the reaction and response time should be identical.
The idea of being touched by a stranger (and let’s face it, the roommate is a stranger) while I was sleeping is absolutely appalling, and makes me queasy just writing it.
Again, I’ll ask, if it were a daughter being touched by a stranger while she slept, would you respond and act (not act) the same way?
This is one of the rare CC threads with near unanimity of opinion—get your beloved S out of the situation—into a hotel, rental, wherever while it is reported to police, school president and whomever else as Title whatever violation as well as everything else.
Seriously, concerned parents are all agreed this is seriously abnormal behavior and your child needs to be out of that room, especially to be able to sleep. I’m very sorry for you and your S but our college kids should not be made to handle these CRIMINAL situations.
I can’t answer that. I do have a daughter and she is completely different from my son. She would handle it in a different way and she might even want me to intervene. My son does not.
People keep saying to get him out. HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE REMOVED. I cannot go there and drag him away. He thinks he can handle it. I cannot tie him up and remove him physically.
I totally feel for you - you’re between a rock and hard place, wanting to help him but being told to let it be and being scared that this may provoke the roommate to do something worse. I get it. To be honest, at this point, I’d go down there and get my own hotel room and just say to my kid: “I have faith that you can handle this, but sometimes things are totally out of our control and we don’t realize it. This kid may actually be really dangerous and it may not be something you can just hope will go away. I won’t force you to do anything, but I would like the two of us to visit the counseling center and see what can be done. We just can’t wait to see what he might do to you.” Best of luck with this - I’m sure you’re losing sleep over it.
OP- I’m guessing you posted here to vent, and not to get practical suggestions on how to fix things? That’s fine. But in the future- put “here to vent” in the subject line. A lot of posters are trying to help you- and it is clear you don’t want help. You are worried, and we share your concern. You believe it’s unfair that your kid’s freshman year is getting derailed so early- and we agree that it’s unfair. But most of us are trying to help you with strategies to get your son out of a potentially dangerous living situation- and you don’t want that help.
Best of luck to your son as he navigates a tricky situation.
Your son does not understand the seriousness of his situation. All of us here would absolutely do anything in our power to get him out now and explain to him why afterwards. There is a wisdom and a knowledge of the world that comes only with experience. Your son does not know the danger he is in.
Maybe he’s downplaying it because it feels emasculating and weird to have another boy treat him this way. You, as his mom, should recognize the seriousness of this situation and take action. He’s likely not equipped to deal with it; few of us would be at that age.
I really do understand where you’re coming from, OP.
My S, like yours, wanted to handle things himself. But when that didn’t work out, he was relieved that I stepped in.
His roommate also had stalking and aggression issues and I was worried that he would sneak up behind S and slit his throat in public. But I knew that he was much more likely to do that while S was sleeping so they needed to be separated. Some of my fears did come true–S was harassed online by the roommate’s family members. But that was a small price to pay for him to be able to sleep safely each night.
Like it or not, you’re going through this. Why not make sure that your S goes through it in the safest way possible?
I wish you all the best as you navigate this tough situation.
To think about it another way, you are paying for a room that your son cannot use. Would you pay for a hotel room or an apartment that you couldn’t use because it had mold or broken windows for example? No, you wouldn’t. For that reason alone I would get my son out of there. Tell him you are not paying for a room he cannot use.
Also, look at it from his friends perspective & that friend’s roommate. Is it fair to them that your son is sleeping on their floor 3-4 nights a week? Those parents are paying for a double, not a triple, and I’d be pretty upset if I was one of those parents as well. That is not a long term solution for this problem. At some point one of the kids or their parents is going to get fed up with your son being there. What will he do then? Couch surfing his way through freshman year doesn’t seem like a good use of your $$ or his time and I would think at some point his grades are going to suffer if they haven’t already.
At a minimum the roommate is strange and your son does not feel comfortable being around him. That alone is reason enough to request a room change immediately.
I get not wanting to get in your kid’s business. I could see my own freshman son saying similar.
But as a parent, I would pull the “I am paying thousands of dollars for you to have a safe place to live and I don’t feel that’s the situation.” and talk to him about steps you expect taken or I would be up there as a parent. I don’t think it’s doing his roommate any favors by letting it go on either. He has some troubles and needs help.
I can’t imagine letting this go on if you are so afraid of this kid following your kid in public spaces because you pulled him from the room, but he can sleep alone with him in the room? If he crosses a line, the police can be involved very quickly.