Is your son keeping written documentation of these incidents of bizarre behavior from his roommate? I would suggest he do so. You may need it in the future. Also, if there are any visits to university admin (and/or counseling, campus police, etc.) or the area police department, document all of that, too.
Virginia Tech (I suspect this is the university) should handle this in an appropriate manner.
(I just had another thought…does your son have any inkling that the roommate goes through his things when he is not there?)
OP, would your son be responsive to considering what he’d advise someone else in the same situation? Sometimes that approach would help my kids resolve a dilemma.
Two additional thoughts: Something barely mentioned in this thread is that by reporting, one would hope that the roommate would have some intervention by professionals, and some help. He needs help and oversight, and if everything works as it should (I realize, no guarantee), he gets therapy for his issues and is NOT a threat to OPs son.
Completely different thought: OP, I believe your son should be counseled ASAP to never leave his laptop in his room, change his passwords, that kind of stuff. It is possible that roommate could try to electronically blackmail your son or further digitally harass (as in the sleeping picture and picture at your son’s desk), and if he is hacking into your son’s stuff, he could cause major problems for your son or even undermine the case if he is devious enough. If your son has anything private in his room (pictures, letters, magazines…whatever) it needs locked up or removed.
There were two occasions where our D was struggling and absolutely wanted to power through it. The first time we booked a hotel for W for a week, she got on a plane, and by the end of the trip had convinced D to skip the rest of the school year, pack up and come home with her.
We had a similar repeat a few years later, although the second time didn’t need quite as strong of an intervention.
That situation is obviously different from OP’s, but just an illustration that our kids are still kids. Sometimes we as parents (and we’ll always be their parents even when they’re grown with kids of their own) need to step in and take a strong stand in presenting our point of view, particularly when their safety is at risk.
And it’s not just because we’re parents, but oftentimes people in abnormal situations lose perspective. Think of people with abusive partners who make excuses and are convinced things won’t get worse. Sometimes they just don’t have that outside perspective or need a strong push to make a change.
From the outside, both OP and her son appear to be saying, “S is safer sleeping next to a deranged psycho than moving out because that would make the deranged psycho mad.” If I had a deranged psycho in my house I’d kick him out even if that made him mad, I certainly wouldn’t want to sleep next to them.
At the very least, in OP’s shoes I’d file reports with security and the University. Because if the university does nothing (what OP and her S want) and tragedy strikes (what nobody wants) she’ll want a paper trail for a lawsuit.
No, you cannot physically drag your son out of his room, but you can influence him. The options are not just he decides on his own to leave or you drag him. There’s also, you discuss it with him and impress upon him the seriousness of the situation. Inform him. Educate him.
“People keep saying to get him out. HE DOES NOT WANT TO BE REMOVED. I cannot go there and drag him away. He thinks he can handle it. I cannot tie him up and remove him physically.”
OP, how far away from the college are you? You should tell the son you’re on your way and you want to discuss this with him in person.
If you’re terrified for his sake, he is probably pretty terrified too, but doesn’t want to worry you. His fear will be harder for him to cover up in a face-to-face conversation than it is for him over the phone. While you are on campus, you can take advantage of the opportunity to meet with the resources other posters have mentioned.
I’ve read the whole thread and hesitated to post as I hate relying on second/third hand information. Is your son concerned at all? Does he find his roommate odd or scary or neither? Maybe because there were a few very non-concerning things - to me at least - in the OP that makes me wonder whether some of the things were misinterpreted by you? I guess I’m just trying to get a sense of whether distance and worry in general is making some comments taken out of context sound worse that the actual situation??? I don’t disagree that some of the things in the OP are troubling - I’m just trying to factor in the fact that your son doesn’t appear to have any concerns - or is it just that he doesn’t want you to interfere?
A lawsuit against who? If tragedy strikes, the roommate would be arrested. The University would have done nothing which is what the family asked them to do-nothing! Who would be sued?
If you report something to the police or the university, you don’t get to say what action they take. If the police issue a citation for threatening behavior, the other student may get to keep going to college and living in the same room, and you have o right to say you want the other student arrested or just removed from the school. If you report it to the university, you don’t get to pick the consequences and just say you wanted something on record but want no action taken. At my daughter’s school, both students had to move to make it fair to both, and at the very least there would be meetings with both students with the RA, head of housing, campus security (if a security issue).
If I were OP, I’d question why my child told me these things if he didn’t want me to do something. After knowing me for 18 years, my kids knew I’d do something if they reported their roommates had threatened them. If they were just complaining about fast food containers, they knew I’d do nothing, but weird touching and photos of them sleeping? Yep, they knew I’d be on it.
This OP reminds me very much of the one asking about her slacker/bump on a log son and not wanting to pay for college. The thread went on for pages with OP not really taking any good advice and talking in circles. The thread was closed.
I’m assuming based on the above that the OP has received sufficient advice does not intend to share what advice she’s taken, so will close this thread as requested.