<p>Very nervous about talking about this. My D has been dating someone for the past year. He is many things that I admire in a person. Hard working, smart, motivated, you get the picture. I have only met him twice in the year as D and bf live far from us.</p>
<p>We just saw them this past weekend. I do not want to be the mother who says the wrong thing or to be judgmental. It is not in my makeup and I want to be very supportive.</p>
<p>Saying that, I thought he drank a lot. I want to say that while my H and I are not teetotalers, my H hardly drinks at all, maybe one drink every couple of months and I may have one beer or wine when we have dinner with friends. So my perspective may be off. When he came the first night, my sister and I has shared a bottle of wine and were having a nice dinner. My D and her boyfriend had a couple of glasses or wine and the boyfriend then drank maybe 4 (or 5, I’m not sure) beers. We went to bed and D said that they stayed up and he drank 3 more beers and maybe some whiskey. I’m glad she said something because there is a teenager and we were glad that someone of age drank the beer and not the teenager or her friends.</p>
<p>The next day we met D and bf at a sports bar. He had 2 glasses of beer at the bar and then we went back to the house. He had more beer, I’m not really sure how much but he also opened a bottle of alcohol and drank it straight on the rocks and maybe drank a third or so.</p>
<p>Also I found my D to be very nervous around him regarding my behavior. I can’t explain it, she was so afraid that I would say the wrong thing. She has never been the least bit nervous about my behavior with other friends. The other time we met the boyfriend she felt like she had to point out my failures to me. For instance, we had 3 different kinds of pizza out and I asked him which type he preferred. I guess I was loud and obnoxious (remember I had a couple of glasses of wine). I asked him about his job and I am not suppose to ask him about that and I am suppose to pretend that I have not heard anything about him even though he and my D have been dating for a year.</p>
<p>My D told me that he comes from a family where his father is very dominating and his mother very much is not. </p>
<p>D and I have always been very close. We are not that much since she started dating this boy but I understand she is growing up and away from me. </p>
<p>Any advice for me. I do not want to alienate my D but I have some very real concerns about the person she is dating.</p>
<p>I also find it odd when people drink a lot more than the people that they are with. I know that in the long run, that shouldn’t matter, but it’s kind of telling that when no one else is drinking that much, he is.</p>
<p>A couple of questions - how old and D and BF? DO they live together, where she would be more able to see his drinking patterns?</p>
<p>And the obvious question is, if this is how he drinks when he is with his GF’s parents, then what is he like on an everyday basis? Either - A) he drinks like this on an everyday basis and has not thought about how his drinking would look to outsiders, or B) he drinks even more by himself.</p>
<p>That many beers - well, people do that when they are watching an afternoon of football, I can see that happening occasionally. The 1/3 bottle of alcohol on top? Not so much.</p>
<p>I would also be concerned that your daughter doesn’t want you asking normal questions. Asking about the BF’s job, does not sound like prying to me, although perhaps she was worried that was the first step to an interrogation? Can you have a chat with her and start by asking why those types of questions bothered her?</p>
<p>Were they visiting you? Whose booze was it? If it was yours, I think you can have a conversation like, hey, we didn’t realize you and Johnny would go thru so much beer/vodka. Do you guys usually drink that much? </p>
<p>If they brought it, that would also concern me - that he was so worried about having something to drink that he needed to bring it from far away or stock up on his way to your place?</p>
<p>Tough one. This could be a big issue, but you don’t want to come off as too judgmental or she’ll shut down. Could he have been nervous to be around you and so drank more than usual? Did he act negatively? Could he just have a really high tolerance?</p>
<p>I’d say something because that’s the way I am, but tread lightly. Good luck.</p>
<p>D is 23, boyfriend is 25. They do not live together and she has commented that he drinks more than H and I do but we are almost non drinkers so almost everyone drinks more than we do. </p>
<p>We were at my sister’s house and he drank her alcohol.</p>
<p>I want to say that when boyfriend was not around she was her normal self. I was not the only one who noticed her behavior. </p>
<p>I almost think that the boyfriend wants my D and I to be less close and he is trying to be negative about my behavior to drive us apart.</p>
<p>I understand why you would be concerned. In my opinion I could see the level of drinking you described on night 1 when friends go bar hopping all night. But that level of drinking when meeting the parents for the first time? Pretty strange, since if that was me I would be concerned with making a good impression.</p>
<p>And my mother would have said something after night 1.</p>
<p>If it were me - I’d straight up ask my D about it - right away. I’d let her know that the BF sure has been drinking a lot since he’s been visiting and I want to know if this is normal for him. I’d let her know why I think it’s a problem. Of course, this conversation s/b with your D - not the BF.</p>
<p>I’d be very concerned about this. In addition to the long term consequences of your D being involved with someone who may well be an alcoholic or at least is a heavy drinker, she has the other issues of what happens when many people drink - mood swings, perhaps violence, and if he drives and she rides with him, a chance of being in an alcohol fueled car accident. Regardless, living with a heavy drinker is no way to live.</p>
<p>Personally, I wouldn’t tip-toe my way around this. I’d be quite open about it and express my concerns. She might get defensive of him or might want to just shut down the conversation, but at least your concerns will get registered and you won’t have to just have your head in the sand.</p>
<p>What’s you H have to say about it? Again, if I was the H and this was my D I would have already said something.</p>
<p>On a more practical note and in the spirit of not being too full of spirits, I wouldn’t have any beer, wine, booze in the house and I’d skip having those glasses of wine with him there. If he truly has a problem, and it sounds as if he definitely does, it doesn’t help when you’re sitting there drinking as well,</p>
<p>OP, I’d be concerned too. It sounds like a BF I had back in the olden days. He also drank a LOT and it took me a few years to realize he had a problem. He had a lot of other problems, too, and I needed to find out for myself. </p>
<p>You might say something gentle – “I noticed BF drank quite a bit” – and then back off. It will be important to your DD that you say that, but if you don’t follow up with anything, she can’t criticize you. Too much, anyway.</p>
<p>My daughter doesn’t have one yet, but I know when she does, she will probably be kind of nervous around him in front of me – and I have no doubt she’ll be critical of me and how I act and talk (with or without a glass of wine). If this is her first serious relationship, she might be kind of on edge, hoping nothing will rock the boat.</p>
<p>But this doesn’t explain his drinking. I’m thinking if it were my son, meeting his GF’s parents, he would definitely be on his best behavior and not drink to excess. So the BF either a) has a serious drinking problem or b) wants to create a scene where D will side with him. Neither of which is good.</p>
<p>I’m normally one of those butt-out-and-leave-them-alone people, but this raises all sorts of red flags with me. To start with: in no way am I saying that he is abusive BUT a lot of my domestic violence training/experience signals are going off. Even more than the drinking, my biggest concern is you guys not being allowed to ask things and that being a new thing. If she had been someone who had always been “embarrassed” or whatever of you (the parents) or if this had been a new relationship and she didn’t want you to scare him away, that would be one thing. That sounds really controlling to me. </p>
<p>As to what you can do, it really depends on what kind of relationship you have with her. If you’ve always had a close, open relationship then you might considering going to lunch and carefully broaching the subject. Make it sound like it’s just in passing conversation. She might close off or she might have already noticed this and needs someone else to notice it, too. Either way, IMO, it’s better to try than to stay silent. Too many people stay silent.</p>
<p>If not already, he’s on a path to becoming an alcoholic control freak just like his dad. Your daughter won’t hear you now but as soon as she’s ready she will. It’s worth starting the process now.</p>
<p>To be fair to him, the only caveat here is that we hope you’re being straightforward with us and are not painting a picture that produces the outcome you want.</p>
<p>My D also had a couple of BFs like you described. My H and I definitely voiced our opinions at the time (I am a non-drinker)but it did strain our relationship with her. Thank heavens she didn’t marry any of them. </p>
<p>Still,I am totally amazed how much alcohol young people drink today.</p>
<p>I think the drinking could be a concern. I don’t drink, so I don’t know exactly how is average, but it sounds like a lot.</p>
<p>As for not asking questions, it may not be coming from him. She may not want you asking for whatever reason (maybe she knows that the job it a touchy subject, or he is going through something there, so she doesn’t want you to talk about it). Personally, I would be less concerned about this. If I brought someone to the house my parents didn’t know well, I would probably also ask they not bombard him with questions (I am not saying you did that, but I can see where she would be coming from). I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that it’s his decision and he is controlling.</p>
<p>But here’s the thing, even with the drinking, whatever his problems are, she probably already knows (sometimes parents assume kids are more naive/blind than they really are). I would not push it. She may be making the wrong choice, but, in the end, it’s hers to make. If you have an INCREDIBLY close relationship with her, maybe you could say something in a very gentle way (and then leave it alone, unless she wants to talk). Otherwise, I really can’t see it doing any good. Right or wrong, I wouldn’t let my parents criticize my significant other. When you are past a certain age, it’s your problems to figure out as a couple, and outside interaction (especially by interested parties, relatives) is usually no good (unless of course it’s something your daughter is truly unaware of).</p>
<p>Yes, that sounds like a lot of drinking, especially when he’s around parents and not just friends his age. I’d definitely bring your concerns up with your daughter sometime when he’s not around. I’d try to keep it low key, perhaps phrase it as more of question. Something like “We enjoyed seeing more of ____, but couldn’t help noticing that he seemed to drink a lot? Have you ever been concerned about it?” Addressing possible abuse is much harder, but I’d keep an eye on that behavior as well. It really does raise some red flags.</p>
<p>you would think that the BF would drink minimally, if at all, in trying to impress his GF’s parents. The fact that he drank excessively would be a red flag IMO. I’ve been married 20 years and still do not like to drink around my in laws.</p>
<p>Also remember, whether or not he is around when you ask, she will almost certainly tell him, so, if you do decide to bring it up, keep that in mind when you decide what and how to say it.</p>
I agree with romani, this has all the makings of a domestic violence situation. That said, you don’t have enough data points yet to make a determination. They don’t live near you, so I don’t know how you can make more observations, but I agree that bringing it up with her in a casual way when he is not around is a good idea. </p>
<p>Did you get any sense in the 2 evenings of how he treats your D in public? in private? How were they communicating with each other? Did he make any comments about her to the rest of you? Was there anything that he said that seemed off kilter to you at the time or thinking back on it?</p>
<p>Absolutely disagree with acollegestudent that you should not get involved. You should be careful how you go about it.</p>
<p>Our kids know what alcoholism is - I went through it with them and gave them the usual lectures about never accepting rides. I only drink a few ounces a year if that. My wife has maybe a glass a week. Son has had a few beers in his life but waited until he was 21. Daughter doesn’t like it. They will observe how much other people drink at a function.</p>
<p>I understand that students can get enamored when someone of the opposite sex pays them a fair amount of attention and that this can turn off the warning bells about behaviors that could be a problem. Unfortunately it’s hard for kids to listen to parents in this mode.</p>
<p>If I were worried about this, I’d talk to my son or daughter about it.</p>
<p>I married a man like that. Even at 30 I was naive enough to think once we got married he would cut down on his drinking (I know, I know…what can I say. I had no experience with addiction, at all). He too had a domineering father and a lot of anger that he tried to self medicate away. Very defensive about his drinking. After a 20-year marriage, I’m out and am so much happier. </p>
<p>I don’t have much advice for you. My parents did not like my DH and tried to talk me out of it. I spent the best years of my life in a bad marriage. They were right.</p>