<p>OK, maybe I am missing something. I think abuse/controlling behavior is VERY serious. However, I just don’t get how this is controlling on the part of the boyfriend:</p>
<p>“Also I found my D to be very nervous around him regarding my behavior. I can’t explain it, she was so afraid that I would say the wrong thing. She has never been the least bit nervous about my behavior with other friends.”</p>
<p>Honestly, it just sounds to me that the daughter is embarassed of mom (I am not saying she should be, just what it sounds like). And friends are not the same thing as a serious boyfriend, so she may just care more. I don’t see how this is his fault, that’s all.</p>
<p>The drinking is a different matter - I just don’t see the other part at all.</p>
<p>I drank to excess in my 20’s but never had more than a beer or two when I socialized with a girlfriends relatives. I drink basically nothing now.</p>
<p>BF is drinking heavily all evening. D is nervous and edgy. She isn’t nervous about what mom will do or say (although that might be how it’s interpreted). She’s nervous about what BF will do or say. She doesn’t want to have anything set him off. After they leave the gathering and he has her alone, he might launch into a tirade of verbal or even physical abuse about some minor event/discussion that took place during the evening. {{ “Your family is a bunch of nosy nits!!! I don’t understand why you would want to hang around with such people!!! I can see where you get [insert bad trait here] from!” yada, yada.}} </p>
<p>This has the effect of making her not want to get together with her family (isolating her from family and friends), and is a hallmark of an abusive relationship. OP also said that her and D don’t seem to be as close - not a good sign.</p>
<p>Thank you everyone for your observations. People may disagree what to do but everyone seems to think it was a lot of drinking. I asked my S and he said, correctly that my D also drank a lot the first night. Everyone was drinking the first night but no one other than he and my D (some) drank the second night. S also thought it was wierd that the bf got a bottle from the basement and drank it. It was gin and S says that is something you don’t drink on the rocks, which I didn’t know.</p>
<p>I don’t know about any abuse, but I do know that the bf’s family drink a lot. </p>
<p>sylvan8798, I am NOT an expert in abusive behavior, so I could be totally wrong, but why is that the interpretation vs this:</p>
<p>This is daughter’s first serious boyfriend and this is only the second(?) time he is around her family. She doesn’t want all her relatives, especially mom asking questions all evening (there could be various reasons for this - she thinks the family is too pushy; she thinks the boyfriend is shy; she feels the family is too involved; she just thinks it’s awkward for the focus to be on him - any of this). Because she is already nervous about this, she is more on ‘edge’ than usual (at her age, I would have been very nervous bringing a significant other to a family event and would probably be ‘protective’ of him).</p>
<p>As for the mom saying they are not as close, why is that surprising? When I got into my first serious relationship, that did change the dynamic with my mom (doesn’t it for a lot of people - you are young and in love, and you spend all your time together). I am just confused why this is out of the ordinary.</p>
<p>Acollegestudent, I do agree with you on many counts. Thank you for your opinion. I think it shows another side to what may be happening. </p>
<p>I don’t know what is going on. I expect my kids not to call me all the time. They have a job and friends and stuff to do. I dont call my mom all the time either.</p>
<p>Although I know some folks who have had a high tolerance and have been annoyed by parents or older aunts who felt “drinking too much” was having more than one glass of wine at a family gathering/celebration, the BF is drinking far more than he should for the occasion. </p>
<p>Whenever I visit my past SO’s families, I usually go with the flow by following what her parents did…unless they are heavy drinkers themselves in which case I plead low tolerance by limiting myself to 2 drinks. </p>
<p>Part of being on one’s “best behavior” is to not drink too heavily around SO’s parents…especially when one is trying to make a reasonable impression on her parents. </p>
<p>From observing an older cousin and an ex of a female cousin with similar/worse drinking behaviors than exhibited by the BF in front of OP, such drinking behavior signifies a serious lack of self-control and a lack of awareness of how to behave in this situational context at the very least. </p>
<p>Best to talk tactfully about it somehow and get to the bottom of this issue before it gets worse.</p>
<p>I agree with romani and sylvan: the situation you describe sets off alarm bells for me. </p>
<p>And drinking straight gin on the rocks? I don’t know anyone who does that, and neither I nor most of the people I hang out with are even faintly close to being teetotalers. If anything, many of us, myself included, should drink LESS.</p>
<p>deb922, I am glad my view helps (I am just a little older than your daughter). I am sure the situation must be really, really tough for you :(</p>
<p>You may be right about your concerns, or not, or partially right. I don’t know you or your family - just try, as much as possible, to see it from your daughter’s point of view when you talk to her. From my own experience with my parents, I openend up to my mom a lot more when she started giving me less advice and started listening more (sometimes I can FELL her holding her tongue and just letting me talk ). Sometimes, I will even say that I don’t want to talk about something, and if she backs off, I will actually bring it up myself later. When she used to bring things up as though I am unaware of them/don’t know any better, I would just get upset (because usually, I usually would be VERY aware, and I would just feel that she was being pushy and/or underestimating me). Also, not criticizing my significant other went a LONG way towards us having a better relationship.</p>
<p>Honestly, listen as much as possible, and try not to automatically assume the boyfriend is the bad guy. She will probably defend him, and I don’t think there is anything wrong with that (unless he actually is abusive) - that’s part of what it means to be in a serious relationship. Just listen as much as possible, and remember she may not want to talk then, but she may come to you later, when she has time to think. Also, just remember she may have different standards (aka, she may be a big partier herself, which is not good, but it may explain why she is OK with it).</p>
<p>GOOD LUCK!</p>
<p>P.S. About the drinking - I don’t drink and know very little about it (I have no idea how people drink gin, etc. - I don’t know the norms of drinking at all), which is why I don’t have much to say on that issue. Plus, I generally, just don’t like drinking, so I would probably be biased.</p>
<p>acollege - certainly your interpretation is possible. Lots of things are possible. Some of us are speaking from personal experiences here. For me, it’s the combination of events as a whole - bf’s drinking, D’s edginess, the change in relationship with mom. There are red flags, but OP doesn’t have a lot to go by. </p>
<p>OP, some people drink gin on the rocks, but drinking liquor straight is another sign of a heavy drinking habit. As is the fact that he helped himself to your sister’s basement stock.</p>
<p>The boyfriend may not be a bad guy. But it sounds pretty clear he either has a drinking problem or is well on the way to alcohol dependence. This alone is reason for concern.</p>
<p>I can say this- not a single one of the dv victims I’ve EVER encountered (and I’ve encountered hundreds) has ever said that they wished their parents would have not said anything. Again, I am NOT saying that that is what is going on with the OP’s D, but I want to put it out there for anyone else who may be experiencing this or something similar. </p>
<p>I know alcoholics. I know abusive alcoholics and I know happy alcoholics. Again, it’s not really the drinking that’s setting off alarm bells. It’s the D’s change in behavior and insistence that her mother not ask questions. THAT is what is deeply concerning to me.</p>
<p>Good luck, OP. I really do hope everything works out- one way or the other.</p>
<p>Regarding the daughter’s behavior and the poster who thought maybe she was just nervous that her mom was going to embarrass her. . .my mom was (at the time, I thought) the queen of dorky moms. I was also very worried that she would embarrass me. However, the boyfriends would put me at ease, and for lack of a better phrase, “suck up” to my parents as that is what you do for someone you care about.</p>
<p>Additionally, my mom could see that I really liked the guy. While I don’t presume to be able to choose who my kids date, I think a sign of a healthy relationship is one where the daughter is bubbly to tell her mom about the guy. I would want to see the excitement or happiness on my kid’s face in regards to their SO. A child who was not forthcoming or who changed her behavior would be troubling indeed.</p>
<p>As would a boyfriend who helps himself to a bottle of gin at my sister’s house!!</p>
<p>Who’s doing the driving in this relationship? I mean that literally - who drove from the sports bar? I wouldn’t hesitate to say something. My D has been on a roll lately - snipping relationships in the bud because of drinking and her dates aren’t drinking nearly as much as this guy. She has yet to meet a guy that she likes half as much as they like themselves after a few drinks.</p>
<p>I tend to agree with acollegestudent however I think it’s fair game to ask the D how much and how often they are drinking because she’s probably drinking with him, maybe not as much in front of you since you claim you don’t drink much… who is driving and let the D know that as parents you are there for her…the some people are happy drinkers, some people are abusive drinkers and if there is abuse she needs to walk away. You don’t say what size this guy is either…I’ve seen my (legal) 200+ pounder put away 8 beers in a (long) evening no problem and a few glasses of liquor between 4 in the afternoon and 1-2 AM on top of the beer and not get sloppy.</p>
<p>I’m going to try and give boyfriend the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was drinking so much because of nerves. Not every 25 year old that drinks that much has a problem. I do think you could ask your daughter about it. Maybe if you phrased it like this: I see how much he had to drink. I hope we didn’t make him too uncomfortable.</p>
<p>I agree with this. I also think that most of the girls who think their moms will embarrass them in front of their boyfriends are usually in high school. By the time they’re in a serious relationship out of college, they’d usually have the maturity not to worry about that – especially if they have security and trust in their relationship. If she’s worried about her mom embarrassing her in front of her boyfriend, that actually does set off warning bells about her relationship with her boyfriend to me. What 25-year-old boyfriend would actually respond in a way to make his girlfriend embarrassed of her nice and well-meaning mother? It makes me think he tends to respond unpredictably and/or badly to things.</p>
<p>I agree with whoever said that a normal BF would be going out of his way to impress the parents. Somehow the D is afraid of him and his behavior.</p>
<p>I think the OP should speak up to the daughter. It may make her daughter angry with her, but it will also solidify in the daughter’s brain what her parents expect from the daughter’s BF and will help the D realize that she deserves a respectful relationship.</p>
). Sometimes, I will even say that I don’t want to talk about something, and if she backs off, I will actually bring it up myself later. When she used to bring things up as though I am unaware of them/don’t know any better, I would just get upset (because usually, I usually would be VERY aware, and I would just feel that she was being pushy and/or underestimating me). Also, not criticizing my significant other went a LONG way towards us having a better relationship.</p>