<p>Count me among those that heard warning bells of potential abuse. I’m projecting, I know, but it seemed as if she was afraid any last thing would “set him off”. I’ve lived like that for the last 20 years and it stinks. Missed tons of family stuff and paid for days on end for innocuous comments made by people who meant no offense. I don’t drink but I can’t see alcohol doing anything but making that situation worse.</p>
<p>I am not saying you are wrong. But I am speaking from experience too. My first serious relationship was in college, and at 23 I could very much see myself nervous and I edgy bringing my boyfriend home (and he was never abusive or even pushy). My relationship with my mom also change</p>
<p>op, you might want to read up some on the signs of verbally abusive relationships, so that you might be more able to recognize them if you find them in the relationship between D and BF. </p>
<p>A couple of sites with helpful points:</p>
<p>[Recognizing</a> the Signs of a Verbally Abusive Relationship - Yahoo! Voices - voices.yahoo.com](<a href=“Yahoo | Mail, Weather, Search, Politics, News, Finance, Sports & Videos”>Yahoo | Mail, Weather, Search, Politics, News, Finance, Sports & Videos)</p>
<p>[Ten</a> Signs You May Be Involved in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship](<a href=“http://forum.psychlinks.ca/abuse-domestic-violence-child-abuse/15830-ten-signs-you-may-be-involved-in-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship.html]Ten”>http://forum.psychlinks.ca/abuse-domestic-violence-child-abuse/15830-ten-signs-you-may-be-involved-in-an-emotionally-abusive-relationship.html)</p>
<p>acollege- after dating him for a whole YEAR? AND when you had never acted like that before? That just seems strange to me, no offense.</p>
<p>Romani, none taken! Yeah, bringing him home would have been NERVEWRECKING for me. I know it’s hard for you to understand, because I know you grew up very independent, which is awesome! I didn’t really come into my own and discover my voice until a couple years after college. It was my first boyfriend, and I know my parents can be pushy, so I would have definitely uncomfortable back then. And my boyfriend was SUPER laid back (which is why I liked him 
) - he would never have made me feel bad about what my parents said. </p>
<p>I am not saying any of you are wrong, but I can just completely see why the girl was edgy, especially since it was directed at the mom (not the boyfriend). </p>
<p>I think it can be a serious accusation to make lightly, that’s all, especially to the daughter.</p>
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<p>Right… so different situation than the OP it seems. That’s my point. It doesn’t seem like any of this had happened in the past. It’s the CHANGE that sends up flares.</p>
<p>ETA: I know that not everyone is like me. Trust me, I get that. I have a good friend who is still weird about her boyfriend and parents even though they absolutely adore him and they’ve been together for five years. But she’s ALWAYS been like that. That doesn’t concern me at all. But if someone like me were to suddenly be skiddish around my parents, yeah. that’s an issue.</p>
<p>Yes, that’s a lot of drinking; and my family is far from tee-totalers.
It could be nervousness and extreme immaturity on the BF’s part. Kind of an “Oh, look, free gin! Let’s have some!”. Like a kid in a candy store instead of an adult trying to make a good impression.</p>
<p>That said, the alarm bells were going off in my head also.<br>
Can you find reasons to see them more often? Just observing? Listening to how he talks to her?</p>
<p>This isn’t anything to walk on eggshells about. This BF’s behavior is way out of line and indicative of serious problems including problems with alcohol, social issues (even if he was a heavy drinker he shouldn’t be doing this in the situation he’s in with the GF’s parents), and a lack of respect for the D by behaving this way. </p>
<p>This also indicates an issue with the D for even being involved with someone like this although part of that can be due to the fact that she’s only in her early 20s and maybe is living for the reward of his attentions and not thinking of the potential long term issues and the big picture.</p>
<p>It’s time to have a serious talk with the D about this. If the D won’t listen then at least the OP tried. Sometimes it takes the eyes and voice of others to enlighten one to the reality in front of them and perhaps even confirm what they themselves were thinking deep down but were too emotionally attached to view it rationally. </p>
<p>No tip-toeing, talking gently, just making minor suggestive statements - just have a frank, adult, and serious discussion with her. In the end it’ll be her decision as to what to do but sometimes people need the confirmation, guidance, and a little nudge.</p>
<p>Is it possible that your daughter wants you to say something to her and that is why she brought him home? Maybe she knows something isn’t right and she is looking for your feedback.</p>
<p>I strongly believe that most kids want their parent’s approval, and it seems to me that she knows you would be uncomfortable. </p>
<p>I would try to find out more information from her about what she likes about him. I wouldn’t come from a place of fear, but of true interest and information gathering. </p>
<p>Good luck. BTW – I do agree that this is unusual behavior.</p>
<p>I am with GladGradDad on this. I don’t like to give too many opinions when it comes to my girls’ choice of BFs because I want to save that for if/when I have something to say. This is one situation which I would use my fire power. If you, as a parent, can’t speak up on something like this, who would? I wouldn’t be surprised if D is wondering deep inside of her, and is waiting for validation from someone whom she trusts.</p>
<p>oldfort-- we posted simultaneously… i agree 100% about the validation!</p>
<p>Another voice added to the talk to her chorus. Oldfort and peacefulmom hit the nail on the head.</p>
<p>I agree, it does seem like excessive drinking to me and if it was one of my girls, I would definitely raise the issue with them.</p>
<p>Well, I don’t know any happy alcoholics. And if you show me a happy alcoholic, I’ll show you a spouse and kids who very much are not.</p>
<p>I think that often young people get heavily invested in the chemistry part of a relationship. When the little nagging voice starts, they try to ignore it or justify things or jump through hoops because they think they are IN LOVE. The reality is the chemistry is wearing off, the partner is showing their true colors and things aren’t going that great. </p>
<p>The downward slide to enabling an alcoholic is seductively incremental. At first, it’s easy to justify excessive drinking - it’s a celebration, he’s had a hard day, etc. Finally it hits you and you realize that every day has a reason to drink excessively.</p>
<p>My girls are bull headed (I have no idea where they got that) and if I were heavy handed about something like this it would backfire. I definitely would initiate a conversation about the drinking and the relationship in general. But I wouldn’t make any black or white pronouncements or accusations. It sounds like she will probably be relieved.</p>
<p>Good luck to you. I hope things work out quickly and without too many tears.</p>
<p>Did your husband notice the drinking and has he expressed an opinion or interest in talking to her?</p>
<p>It does seem like a great deal of drinking and your description causes many of us to think that the relationship could potentially turn abusive.</p>
<p>Can you phrase your conversation with your DD not from the point of view that you are giving her advice, but rather that you are helping her make informed decisions. If you give her no sense that you are trying to tell her what to do and instead only give her information to help her make the best choices she may not get defensive.</p>
<p>It really is her life and you cannot force her to make your choice, so relax a bit, and approach her in a low key manner.</p>
<p>I will cast another vote on the side of romangypsyeyes. I am concerned about his drinking and your daughter’s demeanor when she is around him. “Walking on eggshells” around someone can be a red flag. It’s enabling behavior.
Abuse does not have to be physical. To be involved with an alcoholic takes a toll on the partner. They become enablers and codependents and more so over time. Looking at family dynamics is important here. This behavior is transgenerational. The dominating father is a red flag. The family may have walked on eggshells around him. These are the boyfriend’s role models- the only idea of a relationship he has learned. He may not be hitting her, but he could get angry- especially when drinking and be verbally cruel. Such a personality tends to blame the partner for his drinking/anger and she may feel responsible for his moods. After a rage episode, the abuser is very loving, sorry, and attentive. The abuser fears abandonment and convinces their partner not to leave, promises to change, until the next episode when something upsets him and he turns to alcohol to deal with it.
She’s an adult, and so there is not much you can do to stop her if she chooses this man. I have discussed “red flags” and “deal breakers” with my kids in general though-the things that one would end a relationship over. These include addiction and abuse.
This is not to say that the boyfriend does not love her, is not a good person, nor is he intentionally doing this. He was raised to know this as normal and alcoholics tend to be strongly in denial. He could also have many good qualities that attract her. She may think he will change if she loves him enough, but this does not work. This pattern of behavior is very ingrained and he will need much professional help, perhaps a 12 step program, and work to change it. It’s not a recipe for a healthy marriage and family.
If it were me, I would speak up- even if I am wrong. I don’t know if it will be effective or not, but at least I would have tried. I don’t think I would come right out and be confrontational l but I would start with " I see a red flag honey and I am concerned… can we talk about it? "Whatever happens, I would let her know I was there for her regardless.</p>
<p>Thanks so much to every person who responded to me. I appreciate each and every comment. Last night I had to step away from this and think about things. Am I being too hard on the boyfriend? Am I not giving him the benefit of the doubt?</p>
<p>Lets just say that everyone who was there noticed how much he was drinking and how much my D drank also. She does not drink around us, I can’t imagine what she would drink since we don’t keep alcohol in the house and it would be weird for her to be the only one drinking. I guess I didn’t see the problem with the drinking the first night. We were all drinking with the exception of my H and having fun sitting around talking. But the second night where other than a beer at the bar, no one else had anything to drink.</p>
<p>The only other time I met him, my D told me negative things he said about me. That I was being critical to her and that I am loud and opinionated. At that time, I was so taken aback. I told her that this was not acceptable and that I would never tell my parents what my H said about them and he would never tell his parents anything I said about them. She did it again this weekend. I am not sure what she is getting out of telling me what things her boyfriend is finding deficient about me. </p>
<p>I will try and say something about the drinking. He knows that we do not drink much and he knows that this is in contrast to his family. I do not know when I will be able to talk to her, I really don’t know when we will be able to see her again. She has no vacation so I’m not even sure we will see her at Thanksgiving. It’s hard when your child lives so far away. </p>
<p>I want to say that we are talking less than we were but it is not a problem. She used to call me when she was walking from class to class but now that she is working she has less time. I do not know if the boyfriend is causing her to speak to me less but I think it’s more of a time and situation problem. </p>
<p>I hope I’ve tried to answer people’s questions. There are things about the boyfriend that I am not going to discuss on a public forum out of consideration to his and his family. I do not know if there is verbal abuse going on. She has given me no indication that this is so. I can see her being nervous around the boyfriend as this is some of her personality. I am just very surprised that I seem to be a target of some negativity as this is new to me.</p>
<p>Deb, I will say this. An abuser’s first goal is to alienate a family. You’re her mother, you likely know her best and you for sure know her better than us. Go with your gut. Good luck :)</p>