I was at a party this weekend, a wedding shower actually. While I knew many people there, they weren’t my friends. It was all very lovely and friendly. I now put people in two categories, those who can make conversation with someone, and those who talk only about themselves. It was astounding to me how many people went on and on telling me about themselves without once ever asking about me or chatting about the bride or wedding or event. Is that just the way it goes now? I feel like I should have been a talk show host or therapist.
In my experience, that’s the way it goes at least 80% of the time. I don’t like cocktail party chit chat much so to keep conversations going, I’ve found it is easy to just ask folks questions about themselves or their kids, and they’ll talk and talk.
If you’re in mixed company, it’s probably better to steer away from many topics these days as it becomes political.
I’ve read many times that people walk away with a more favorable first impression of others who ask about them and give them a chance to do most of the talking.
In general, human beings are pretty egotistical.
Some people make an effort to find a common topic you both enjoy talking about – travel, restaurants, movies – and others don’t make the effort at events like weddings where you’ve never seen each before and probably won’t see each other any time soon. DD said she was much better at making small talk after going through sorority rush. I find younger people are often tongue tied around us old folk perhaps because they assume we have nothing in common. Now I just throw out conversational topics until something latches on.
Every time I get a haircut, I think about this topic. I go to the same salon each time but don’t always have the same stylist. So I search my brain to see if I remember anything about the person and then try to develop chit-chat from that or at least a level of chit-chat. Some people like deeper topics than others do.
I think people talk about themselves because they are nervous and don’t t have the skills. They don’t know what to ask, so filling up air talking (about themselves), eases the discomfort of silence for them.
Probably one of the reasons I’m not very social is because I can’t stand chit-chat or forced chat.
That said, my H is very annoyingly in the camp of “people who can only talk about themselves” - he may ask you questions, but he seems to always spin the story back to him and a situation he was in, person HE knew, etc. It actually drives me nuts!
Yep, @eyemamom, that’s pretty much what I encounter the vast majority of the time. It’s both rare and refreshing to find someone who knows how to do the back-and-forth. I think it’s just a lost art.
And it’s definitely not just young people who are self-obsessed. I was at a church luncheon a couple of weeks ago sitting next to a lady in her 70’s. She never once asked me a question about myself or my family (who were also at the table with her), but she told me everything that was going on in her life or that happened to pop into her head at the moment. I honestly don’t think it occurred to her that I might have anything of interest to offer by way of conversation. I was simply a prop on her stage.
I hope you’re right @conmama, but I guess I’m way too cynical. I think people talk about themselves because that’s what they are interested in. That’s what consumes their thoughts. And they are experts on the subject.
“I think people talk about themselves because they are nervous and don’t t have the skills.”
I’m not sure I agree because in my experience introverts are often folks of few words or initially hesitant but those words are usually thoughtful and not directed about themselves. I find it is the confident types who like to blather on about themselves.
I do think being a good conversationalist is a skill that is polished through practice. I usually find myself thinking of topics ahead of time if I’m going to a big event of people I don’t know well so I have a few options to get the ball rolling. I find dead air awkward.
It is so cultural. Does anyone living overseas care to chime in? I have found France to be quite an interesting contrast, as occupational talk is taboo, but politics are not. Someone correct me if that is outdated!
I adore conversation with people I can learn from, and that can be just about anyone, if you ask the right questions. But it can be a project to draw some people out. Despite the taboos against religion and politics, I ask those questions if it seems not too inappropriate, and work hard on keeping opinions to myself, unless asked. People rarely ask, as noted above. Knowing what those of an opposite perspective think matters to me, and I try to find common ground somewhere. Though this may not be appropriate for small talk at a wedding, I do ask on planes, as will never see my seatmates again.
This is one thing I have figure out and I need to remind myself to do, especially when I am interviewing or talking to a client, “after talking for a minute, I need to take a breath, pause, look at the person’s face to see if he/she is interested, and wait for him/her to respond.” I know so many people who could talk for 10+ min straight without taking a breath. A conversation means there is more than one person that is speaking. The worst thing is when no matter what the topic is, the person could always turn it into about hi/her.
Oh, I also believe in comfortable silence.
@eyemamom This is a topic DH & I have been recently discussing after an event that mirrors your shower.
Over 10 years ago our jobs regularly put us in the position to attend cocktail parties, diners, etc. which required “party patter” with people we don’t know or barely know. At first I dreaded these events, but it got easier as time went by. Lesson one was people want to talk about themselves. Challenge one was to turn that into an actual conversation. Doesn’t always work so challenge two was to exit the conversation without being rude. @doschicos Yep, while practice may not make perfect, it does make it easier!
Back to our recent (very small) event… we pulled out all our charm and parlor tricks and it was still cringe worthy. Oh well, can’t win 'em all.
“Doesn’t always work so challenge two was to exit the conversation without being rude.”
@aMacMom Do share any tactics you might have besides the “refreshing the drink” gambit, please!
When a close friend’s daughter got married, her flower girl and parents didn’t know anyone but the bride. DH and I were at a table with them and a few other friends of MOB. I chatted with the flower girl and her parents, and her mother warmed up a bit and started talking happily about her job. No give and take on her part, as others upthread mentioned about their encounters, but at least she made an effort to respond to overtures. I chalked it up to nervousness from never having met any of us before. Later, MOB said she put us together because she figured I’d take care of them.
I just remembered an informal program I participated in as a young military wife in the 1980’s. The facilitator was an experienced long-time spouse, and some of what we covered was interpersonal communication. It’s where I learned how to wield open-ended questions, among other things. We ran into each other at a large reception and were joined by a third person. During the conversation that followed, the facilitator gave my arm an out-of-sight squeeze as she made some remarks to engage the newcomer. Very gracefully done, and useful to this day.
@doschicos One extrication might be to introduce the person you’re trying to transition from to someone else.
@doschicos The key is to make your exit unavoidable and apologetic. “I’m so sorry, aMacDad is calling me over to meet his boss’ wife. Let’s finish catching up later tonight.” (Won’t happen as they will move on and it’s not about you anyway.)
I take a different tact with acquaintances (who at least somewhat know the crowd). “Oh gosh, I’ve been monopolizing you. It’s been so great catching up. I’ll let you continue making the rounds.”
Bottom line, the exit takes cues from the disfunction of the conversation. If they think everyone wants to hear about their greatness, give them the opportunity to move on at your expense. If they glom onto you because you’re the only familiar face to them, make an introduction, how they’re connected, and quickly move on.
“I really need to go to the bathroom” always works for me.