Conversation topics during family visits

Parent Cafe
1

I recently made separate visits to two family members who live in distant parts of the country.

Both of them criticized me for talking too much about “things we could just as easily talk about on the phone.” They seemed to think that the topics of conversation during an in-person visit should be different – although I don’t quite understand what they thought those topics should be.

Do you talk about different things during in-person visits to family members than you do on the phone or in e-mails? What do you talk about when visiting?

2

Perhaps they mean to “debate” or discuss politics,religion, society, world issues, the climate etc., or discuss books, movies, etc. Deeper subjects than the old “what we’ve been up to” subjects of phone calls.

3

I’m not that comfortable talking on the phone, even with family members. But I do love talking in person with people. As for topics, they’re the same: whatever comes to mind, and then that thing leads to something else, which leads to something else, which leads to something else. OP, did you ask your hosts what they thought you and they should be talking about?

4

@rosered55, I didn’t ask. I’m kind of socially inept, and I’ve noticed that people (except on CC) don’t like pointing out obvious things to me.

Besides, in one of the two cases, the criticism was nasty enough (as in “this visit was a waste”), that it could have started a huge feud. I don’t like huge feuds.

This is what I like about visiting people. You’re with them for stretches of several hours at a time, so the conversation can naturally drift from topic to topic – which doesn’t happen in a briefer phone conversation. But evidently other people have different ideas about what’s appropriate.

5

Were there specific, difficult topics that needed to be discussed but that were avoided the whole trip? Like, what should we do about grandma who cannot live by herself anymore? Or, Uncle Joe’s been drinking an awful lot; perhaps it is time for an intervention? Or, niece Susie is in a relationship that is obviously dangerous; how do we get her out of there? Did you attempt to change the subject when difficult topics were raised?

Or perhaps you were the intended subject of the difficult conversation. E.g., “We’re all broke and Marian’s doing quite well; maybe she should ‘lend’ us some money to bail us out of our problems.” If that were the case, it is probably a good thing that you avoided the difficult topic.

In other words, was there an elephant in the room that you steadfastly avoided discussing?

6

I’m so sorry that happened to you Marian. I would ask them why they didn’t start a topic of conversation that they deemed worthy.

7

Well, you certainly can’t read minds. Your family members dropped the ball when they did not drive the conversation towards the topics they wanted to discuss. Blaming you was a defensive maneuver. Probably points to the way they deal with life in general.

I will only talk about personal topics with close friends I completely trust. …after a few glasses of wine.

8

@nottelling, no elephants were present in the room as far as I know. We don’t have any current crises in the family.

One of the people I visited lost a job a few weeks before my visit and is now heavily involved in job hunting. I think he wanted the opportunity to talk about other topics rather than this one thing that is currently dominating his life, and I may have steered the conversation toward his job hunt too much because I thought he might want to talk about it. Oops. When someone has a major life event going on, I find it hard to know whether they want to talk about it or avoid it. I think I made the wrong choice.

With the other person, I’m puzzled by the criticism. But you brought up something interesting, @nottelling. There is a substantial difference in our financial situations, and I’m the one who’s doing better. So perhaps there was an elephant in the room that I didn’t see.

9

Maybe they don’t like talking to you in either context, and felt a bit trapped by having to spend long periods of time with you. (Sorry, can’t think of a gentler way to say it). Maybe try shorter visits, or and take a break to do something without them; even taking a walk or running an errand like the drugstore.

Saying “This visit was a waste” seems to imply that they wasted something. But you visited them, so you are the one who incurred the cost. I guess they must mean their time?

Are they elderly? My mom has done memory problems in her old age, and she is VERY likely to just say what is on her mind, whether it is appropriate (or even true) or not. Her filter is gone.

10

Maybe you steer the conversation to politics, the current election for example. That should generate some passionate discussion. Nobody will accuse you of talking too much. They are too busy voicing their own opinion about the candidates.

11

Marian, you say that you are a bit socially inept in real life. I wonder if you may be misinterpreting the comments as criticism, when in fact the comments may be hints that there is something the speaker wants to say.

This is probably beyond obvious, and I apologize if it is, but I find that it is quite common when leaving a visit with close family for there to be an exchange like this:

“That visit went so fast. I can’t believe we didn’t get a chance to really talk.”

“I know, I miss you so much. I miss the long talks we used to have.”

Most of the time it ends there, but then sometimes there’s another round like this:

“I know, but I was really hoping that we would get a chance to talk on this visit.”

That’s basically a hint that the person has something specific on their mind to discuss.

If you respond defensively, with something like: “What do you mean?! We talked all weekend?!”, you are likely to get a hurt and possibly mean response because your defensiveness could be perceived as a lack of empathy, since the person was trying to hint that there’s something bothering him/ her.

If, instead, you respond by saying: “Oh, is something going on? Is there anything I can do?”, the person might open up with whatever’s on their mind.

Again, sorry if this is obvious, but the main point I’m trying to make is that you may be misinterpreting what they are trying to say.

12

I didn’t realize that there were “required” topics of discussion when visiting family (or friends). If your visit was just that, a friendly visit to “catch up” then any topic should have been fine. If there was a specific reason for your trip (the “elephant in the room”) and you avoided it, they have a more valid concern—but they should have brought it up themselves and saying your visit was a “waste of time” seems harsh. Unless you were talking non-stop, they had their opportunities to steer the conversation where they wanted.

I do find it odd that two relatives on two different visits made this statement (I couldn’t imagine one person making such a statement). So there may be something here we are missing.

13

We have a lot more topics we are required to avoid than ones we must talk about on our family visits!

14

Sounds to me like typical family politics, if they said things like “what a waste” the visit was, it says a lot about them, as if a visit had to have a purpose. The only purpose I have for visiting people is I want to spend time with them (or have them visit me), and the only time I would consider something a waste is if I didn’t want to be there in the first place. It sounds like they had an agenda for your visit, and you didn’t play along, when they said they were disappointed it didn’t get down to things you couldn’t do over the phone, that is a trip wire, because while there is a big difference talking over the phone than in person (body language for one), that tells me they probably had an agenda of some sort, maybe financial (ie looking for help), and so forth. When you are visiting someone, you are a captive audience, so if they get out of hand, lot harder then hanging up a phone, for one…it was pretty rude of them to say it, and my response would be if simply having the time to spend together is a waste of time, then I won’t waste your time any more, I would check into a hotel or whatnot and fly out at the first moment. Life is too short to deal with idiocy like that, and I have learned over the years not to take that on myself, that it is about them…

15

Wow, I’d be hurt if I was told my visit was a waste of time, especially by two separate family members. I have never told a visitor that, nor thought it. I agree that there may have been agendas that were not broached (eg asking you for $$$ or something that perhaps they had expected to cover). Sounds like the visits were not all you or they had hoped. Sorry it was that way.

I don’t have specific topics I plan to cover with loved ones or family members and appreciate it if folks make an effort to cone and visit me. Is there an aging relative that needs more help or something that also needed to be discussed that wasn’t? Other elephants in the room?

16

@Marian next time…let them start all conversations. If everyone sits and stares at one another, politely say…“what would you like to talk about that can’t be discussed over the phone?”

17

I just want to say that whoever said your visit was a waste of time is rude.

18

Conversations are a two way street, or three or four way street depending on all the people. If something wasn’t talked about that someone else wanted to talk about, THAT PERSON should have brought it up instead of expecting you to do it. Or at least raised the criticism sooner so that you could all shift gears. Blaming you after the fact is both rude and illogical.

19

@Marian, any chance the ones you visited with first then made that comment over the phone or email to the others before you arrived? Then those you visited second said the same thing to you? It’s just to much coincidence that both would make the same ridiculous comment.

In any event, I guess I would be guilty of the same thing. We talk about the same things over the phone or in person. The only difference is that IF there are touchy or serious topics, we might save them for an in person visit.

Turns out your relatives were correct. The visit WAS a waste of time. Yours!

20

@Marian, I have noticed over the years that your immediate family seems to be rather…cool, shall we say…in their interactions, at least as you describe them. You’ve described lack of interest in graduations and other events that many other people feel are important.

I certainly think that saying that a visit was “a waste of time” is rude, and more than that, actually cruel. I agree that if a person wanted to talk about something, they should have brought it up. But are you sure that they didn’t do so, and you didn’t brush it aside?

If I cared about my relationship with these people, I would attempt to engage in a deeper conversation with them via phone, to try to figure out what is really going on.