Conversation topics during family visits

Parent Cafe
21

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with the more difficult person.

I traveled to the opposite of the country primarily to visit person A, but person B (the one I consider difficult) lives on the same coast, and I arranged to spend a few days with her, too. She may not enjoy my company in such large doses. She also may have realized that my visit to her was less important to me than my visit to the other person. I think what I’m going to do in the future is avoid visiting her unless other people are with me. (Previous visits involving groups of relatives went fine.) When it’s just the two of us, we may be better off on the phone.

I actually had a good time with person A, and there was only one remark about not talking as though we were on the phone.

Thank you, everyone, for your insights. It’s always helpful to hear what people on CC have to say about a topic.

22

OP, this last post sounds like you are beginning to reevaluate your visits, and I support you in that effort. Life is too short to spend so much time and effort (and $$) just to check off an obligation we might feel to visit a relative. I agree with your decision to not visit Person B without other guests present. And I would limit the time frame of the visit to one event (hopefully no more than a couple of hours).

Send a short note the next time you feel obligated to have contact with that difficult person.

23

Marian - conversation goes both ways, they are contributors as much as you. If they thought there were certain topics that should have been touched upon then they could have easily brought it up, so I am not sure why the fault should solely rest on you.

24

I am very allergic to any form of “family drama”, especially between members of extended family.
There are just too many difficult extended family members in my circle. So I was trained to avoid most of them over the years. (But I will never try to take advantage of any of them, or do any harm to them.)

But I admit I am too extreme on this.

Basically, I am anti-social. Hopefully, our child will be “better” than me.

25

Why in heaven’s name would I ever visit someone again who felt strongly enough to suggest that the pleasure of our mutual company is not enough for a visit, whatever the topic of conversation!

Perhaps the people you visited incurred expenses and inconveniences as a result of your visit, but you can address that by staying at a hotel and picking up the tab for meals together.

26

I don’t know whether I am too pessimistic or not by saying this:

It is my experience that, unless the person (relative, or even “friend”) is not worse in any way than you (their own education achievement or their children’s education achievement, their family’s financial status, etc.), it is not easy to have or maintain a smooth relation. Just my subjective opinion here.

My wife at one time said this: She could lose a “friend” of hers if the (only) child of one of her friends does not “do well enough” in the college application cycle. It is neither her friend’s fault nor her fault. No side is malicious. She wished her friend’s kid would do well. Luckily, that kid did well in the end.

Several years ago, a (previous) coworker of mine told me this:

When he went home everyday, just a glance at his wife would immediately tell him whether or not his wife had visited a particular friend of them on that day. Their own child did not “do well” in the college application cycle a few years back according to their “expectation”, so it would be hurtful for his wife to visit and interact with a family whose child did “better” in college application. You could say they are “shallow” and put too much emphasis on something that is really not that important. But his wife’s hurtful feeling is real and she was unable to get rid of this upset feeling easily.

Re: a loss of the job:

Unless I am very close to the person I visit, if I knew in advance that he just lost a job, I would postpone my visit to him.

When I almost lost my job several decades ago (it turns out OK in the end because another deep pocket company bought us and “saved” all of us – it means all employees in that company, except for the few executives who would rather choose their golden parachutes and moved on), my immediate family members visited us and we were expected to arrange their fun trips (visa, etc.) And we did do it dutifully to avoid the family feud. The last thing we could afford at that time was a family feud.

I do not mean to imply OP did the same. I just say that, like some animal (e.g., a lion) would hide when it is hurt badly and would not come out till it heals, a person may need some time and space to “heal” in absence of others under some situation.

27

“is my experience that, unless the person (relative, or even “friend”) is not worse in any way than you (their own education achievement or their children’s education achievement, their family’s financial status, etc.), it is not easy to have or maintain a smooth relation.”

That’s completely ridiculous. True friends don’t “compete” with one another. They are happy for each other’s successes and share in their sorrows.

Regarding educational achievements - I quit a masters program that two of my girlfriends completed. So what? I had my reasons (twin pregnancy) and it has nothing to do with our friendships.

Re kid college successes. Even more ridiculous. I’ve got friends whose kids go to Yale and Princeton, and friends whose kids go to Augustana College and Illinois State. Whatever. Again, not a competition.

I’ve got friends whose kids are blazing up Wall Street - and friends whose kids suffer from mental illness and are working at Sonic.

I am unimpressed by the value system that says life is a competition and you have to keep up with your friends. You CHOOSE that jealousy. You don’t have to. You can cultivate being happy for others and not needing to keep score.

28

The behavior you describe on the part of your wife’s friend is childish and immature. I expect that kind of behavior from an 8 yo, not a grown woman.

29

I have to say that back before my S was born and for some years later, our “best” friends were a couple who would have been insufferable if their S, 5 or 6 mos younger than mine, turned out to be more precocious/advanced/bright/whatever than mine. The husband, especially. When we were both pregnant, I was kind of dreading it.

Luckily, our S turned out to be more precocious than theirs, so we never had to hear a word on the subject of comparative accomplishments. (We were not the type to make any comparisons.)

You’re right, it is immature behavior. But far too many people indulge in it.

30

Agree that unfortunately there are quite a few folks who “keep score” and compare kids, jobs, schools, homes, clothes, you name it. We cannot control others, only ourselves and how we behave and react.

I was pregnant at the same time as my sister. The first thing one of our sibs said was ,“Wow, watch out, HImom, your kid will be overshadowed by sis’ kid.” Fortunately we both ignored the sentiment and comment and the cousins are great friends, wirlth no rivalry. Both have done great. When I was pregnant with my younger child at the same time as sisIL, fortunately no one suggested a competition and again, our kids and bro/sisIL’s kids are very close and all doing great.

31

I do not agree that people should live their lives while “keeping score” and comparing against others. This is a very unhealthy way to lead a life.

I meant to say that I have personally met (or heard of) many who could not get out of this “curse”, just like Consolation just posted above:

How about this incident: two young mothers who had their first babies of the same age were eager to know whose baby climbs first, walks first, and whose baby has the tooth come out first. Quite a meaningless “competition” IMHO.

32

^^Silly. Everyone knows the only thing that is worth bragging about is whose baby slept through the night first! :slight_smile: *

  • says the mother whose baby did not sleep through the night until months (or is it years) after her cousin.
33

Lol… age 5 for D2 here! I sure couldn’t compete in that category (if it was a competition – I was just focused on making sure they survived to adulthood!).

34

The great thing about having premies was that they were on their own timeline, so I never entered that (pointless) race.

And then my best friend had a baby with Down syndrome a few months after I had mine. No comparing need apply.

Do you all know the VH1 “behind the music” show? I seriously think it’s a metaphor for life. Every time you think someone else has it made - you discover (often not til years later) that there’s some big secret or hardship or life isn’t what it seems. I was insanely jealous of a friend in hs who “had it all” - as smart as me but prettier, more athletic and had the boyfriend I wanted. Turns out her father was a closet alcoholic and she had to spend a lot of mental energy dealing with that. Of course that’s just one example - but we all have our trials, tribulations and demons, and so to worry about “beating” others - esp your friends! - is just insane. Live your life. Your friend’s kid got into Harvard? Mazel tov!

35

Yes, the kid who seems to “have it all” may also have an invisible chronic disease that saps his/her energy and always makes him/her feel like they have the flu, some of the folks on CC who have “fabulous lives” have kids who have severe challenges–developmental, mental health, and others, and/or relatives or jobs that sap money/energy and more! Comparing is really not useful–good to appreciate what you have and remember the good and happy times and do what you can to help have more of them for the future.

36

Yes, my 20-year-old nephew was a kid who seemed to have it all - I have to admit I was a little envious of his success in comparison to my mentally ill son’s life. But my nephew’s suffering, hidden from EVERYONE, caused him to end his life, four weeks ago today. So you can’t judge ANYBODY by how they seem to be doing.

37

D1’s high school had a leadership program where they got a handful of kids to go on retreat. Most of those kids were some of the most popular students with a lot of leadership. They were asked to tell one story about themselves that no one knew about. D1 was blown away at some stories those kids told. They told about their LD, parental issues, family member issues, and their own insecurity. D1 was not even 18 yet, but she came away from that retreat a lot wiser. She told me everyone got their own story, they may seem confident and have it all, but underneath they could be just as insecure and want to fit in just like everyone else. Sometimes when people are not nice, it may have nothing to do with you. It may be more about them than you.

38

ML, I’m sorry for your family’s loss.

39

MaineLonghorn, Sorry to hear that you have lost your nephew.

40

We can talk about anything but politics. Politics conversations are forbidden by me. There is no reason to talk about something that we will never agree. These conversations do not change anybody’s mind / opinion. I do not like any type of “opinion” conversation anyway, unless I am asked for advice. .