Convincing parents to support my top choice?

Parent Cafe
41

<p>Here is another idea… just start showing your parents small things like this about once a week or something. Don’t get into an argument, just point it out and leave it at that. </p>

<p>For example, first point out that IU is ranked higher than SU overall, then wait a few days and point out how the IU business school also is ranked way higher than SU’s. Keep making small points, but avoiding an argument. Eventually, they might at least understand that you know what you are doing and that IU is not some goofy rural school with no future.</p>

<p>To make this work, do some additional research about what IU is great at. Also, by the way this wikipedia article lists IU as a “Public Ivy” university: <a href=“Public Ivy - Wikipedia”>http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Public_Ivy&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

42

<p>OP, Bloomington and Ann Arbor have some differences… I assume you will like Bloomington, but Ann Arbor is pretty much the greatest college town there is. :slight_smile: So no matter where you end up at undergrad, you probably will like it – most people do.</p>

43

<p>Bloomington and Ann Arbor are very very different. There is nothing comparable at all. Since IU ranks so much higher than Syracuse, that should be all you need. Higher ranking schools usually provide more opportunities. Keep harping on that.</p>

44

<p>This is a bad situation, not because the parents are insisting upon one school over another, but because in addition to this, they are not committing to pay for the schools at all. This puts the OP in the difficult situation of having to commit to a huge financial payback, one that I really don’t see easily happening and possibly not happening at all, and certainly not for many years hence, or not getting the outlay to go anywhere. </p>

<p>This is a personal situation here. If it were the beginning of the admissions process, I would have suggested looking at schools the student could afford or at least have a chance at repaying. But this did not happen and we are at the tail end of the process at this point. </p>

<p>I really think it is insane for you, an 18 year old, to be making the commitment to pay back that kind of money,and even more insane for your parents to expect this. However, you can’t control other people. I don’t know if you have the guts to do this, but frankly what I would do, and, yes, I was gutsy enough to this at that age, but I don’t expect high school seniors to be this way, is:</p>

<p>Sit down and explain to your parents that it is insane for you to make a commitment to repay that kind of money, and to make that kind of commitment with the chances of you being able to do so is foolish, and not realistic. You do not want to make commitments that you likely cannot fulfill. That is something you don’t want to do in life, and the buck should stop right now and here, as this is a huge commitment. Tell them that if they are not willing and able to pay for college for you, that you will go to community college and get a job part time, because that is all that you can afford. You live in NY. There is a SUNY, or cc near you and with $5500 in direct loans that you are allowed to take out, you can make it work. IF they don’t want you living at home, you need to find a place to iive and look for work to support that. Think that’s tough? Well, it’ll be tougher paying off what you are thinking of borrowing.</p>

<p>Your parents are making power plays and unreasonable demands right now. You think they won’t pull the rug out from under you any time while you are in school? They hold the pursestrings and your puppet strings and can make you dance to any tune they please. The IU vs Syracuse is all a smoke screen. You can’t afford either school, and you should not be playing these kinds of games. FOr the rest of your life and theirs, unless you get lucky and pay off all of that money, your parents will own you and be holding it over your head. Yes, a lot of parents do this anyways, but you are agreeing to this upfront with the terms spelled out. You are either legally an adult at this point or close to being one, and in this case, you should cut the cord. Make it very clear that you would be dishonest if you take this money and agree to pay it back because you don’t know if you can and it’s not likely that you can easily or on a timely basis, and integrity is on the line here for you, and you don’t want to start out your adulthood this way.</p>

<p>You can read my other posts. I say this because it is very rare, maybe never, that I would urge a child to go up against the parents. I usually say “zuck it up” when it comes to conditions coming with a parents payment for college or other things. The Golden Rule of “he who has the gold, makes the rules” holds and when you have the money,you have the privilege to dictate what you want to spend it on. I don’t agree with parents who won’t pay for college A over B, most of the time, and I let my kids pick and if such a parent asks ME advice on the matter, I’ll tell them that they are risking losing their money forcing a kid to go to a college he doesn’t want to attend, but I’ll also tell a kid asking for advice in such a situation, that if he wants the money, and the parents won’t give it for college A, then that’s the parents’scall. </p>

<p>But in your case, at age 17/18, you are being told you have to take on a debt of enormous proportions and only go to schools that cost that much that they choose. Well, even the choosing is insane, because it’s the debt part that is the problem here. Your parents are being completely unreasonable and IMO, this is not a tenable situation. Tell them that you can’t afford to take on such a commitment and that you will stay local, and look for a place to live if they cannot make a commitment to pay most of your college expenses. That perhaps you should take a gap year and try it again next year, because this is not a good situation for you. it’s way bad. The choice between IU and Syracuse is absolutely not the issue here. You should not be taking on that kind of debt for any school. If your parents don’t want to invest in you, then you need to pay your own way, and what the government says is the amount you can borrow this year is $5500.</p>

45

<p>Easy -ultimatum - University at Bloomington or NO college at all. You will scare them so much, they will be happy to send you there. Just keep in mind that NOBODY, not a singel person on earth can make you to attend a certain place and if you are forced to attend somewhere, nobody can force you to perform academically there. Just open your cards and tell your folks as clear as it could be, I do not see why they are focing you to go somewhere else, but the ultimatum should stop them.
Why I am saying that. My S. was NOT accepted at first where he wanted to be and he said that then he is not going to go to college at all. Believe me, it was one one of the worst summers in our family. He got accepted, when people withdrew and he was at the top of the waiting list. I will never forget this day, minute by minute. </p>

46

<p>cptofthehouse, you and I read this completely different ways. I believe that the parents are footing the bill and want the DS to be aware of how much it all costs. </p>

<p>jimneycricket- Put the money aside right now. Visit your top 2 or 3 choices. You might be surprised about how you feel when you are on each campus, keep and open mind.</p>

47

<p>

</p>

<p>According to the OP, what the parents are doing is effectively extending him a ginormous loan they are expecting the OP to repay in full after graduation while also insisting on controlling where OP applies and ultimately attends. </p>

<p>I find that highly unconscionable as this effectively forces the OP to bear the full costs of his/her parents’ dictated college choice. And they’ve already refused to allow him to apply to inexpensive in-state public colleges…including some which are better than Syracuse academically. </p>

<p>It’s also a reason why the OP’s father saying “he is sending” OP to college really sets me off. He’s doing nothing of the kind if he’s expecting OP to repay the tuition/fees in full. It’s a parental version of having his cake and eating it, too. </p>

48

<p>I am with cptofthehouse on this. None of the options, not one single one of them, is affordable for the OP because of the parents’ expectations for full repayment.</p>

<p>The OP needs to follow cptofthehouse’s advice, and find an option for this fall that can be paid for with just a student loan and a part-time job, or take a gap year and create a new list of institutions that are likely to be affordable with just a student loan and a part-time job. Syracuse-worthy grades and exam scores might even score a guaranteed full ride from some places on this list: <a href=“Automatic Full Tuition / Full Ride Scholarships - Financial Aid and Scholarships - College Confidential Forums”>Automatic Full Tuition / Full Ride Scholarships - Financial Aid and Scholarships - College Confidential Forums;

<p>Sheesh. I just want to smack these parents upside the head.</p>

49

<p>I’m sorry that what should be a fun, exciting time is so stressful. This sounds to me like a monumental power struggle. Once you start at either school, what’s to stop your parents from cutting off funding to get their way about something else? When does it end? Do they get to influence where you work, or buy a house? If they make you sign loan papers, I don’t think you’ll be free until you’re paid off. </p>

<p>Apparently, they are either unwilling or unable to pay college costs for you, so I think you need to make a plan based on what you can do. I’d take a gap year, go work at McDonald’s, and investigate colleges that you can afford. If your stats are good enough to get into Syracuse, aren’t there places where you could pick up freshmen grants? I know many posters already weighing in know a lot about that. I think going to a community college first would make you ineligible for those, but Mom2collegekids, Cardinal Fang, Intparent, Ucb, and many of the others will know for sure. Good luck.</p>

50

<p>Most colleges will look at the parents’ income when calculating grants, even if the parents refuse to pay a penny toward their child’s education. Unfortunately, the OP will have trouble affording any college if the parents will not contribute. I’m not sure how long an adult child has to be financially independent of parents before they are deemed independent for loan/scholarship purposes, but I’m afraid one year is not long enough.</p>

51

<p>

</p>

<p>It’s 24 unless the given student was legally emancipated from parents before 18 or served in the military/attended a Federal Service academy which also serves to emancipate the student for FA purposes. </p>

52

<p>

</p>

<p>OP needs a full ride that is not need-based, such as the full ride merit scholarships in the thread linked above.</p>

<p>The usual criteria for becoming independent for college financial aid purposes includes age 24, military service, or marriage, plus some less common situations.</p>

53

<p>. I wonder if OP’s parents are being ignorant rather than cruel. Jiminy mentioned that they would be “reasonable” about a repayment schedule, so it doesn’t sound like they are thinking of garnishing the wages of a 25 year old working at a non-profit. Rather, maybe they are thinking “my child, on the basis of educational attainment, is going to wind up super wealthy to the point where paying back a few hundred K is reasonable.” </p>

<p>Now, that’s delusional, but parents with that kind of thinking are more likely to eventually pony up the support than parents who know the score but refuse to pay except in the form of a loan. </p>

<p>OP, I think the tone of your conversation with your parents is going to be really important here. If you storm out of the room and shout “Well, if you won’t let me go to Indiana, forget about Syracuse because you can’t force me to go,” you’ll come off as a petulant child - especially because the financial differential between the two isn’t the real issue for you; assuming they stand their ground on the repayment plan, as others have said, you can’t remotely afford either. Instead, I would ask to have a serious discussion with them and say, more or less,</p>

<p>“I know we’ve been arguing about whether I should go to Indiana or Syracuse. But I’ve realized that there’s a bigger problem here. I know that you want what is best for me, and I appreciate that you’re willing to pay a lot of money over the next four years to support me through college. However, I’m not comfortable with the expectation that I repay you - not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t think it is responsible to start life with that kind of debt. Even if I wind up wealthy - not a guarantee for anyone – how will I ever start saving for a down payment on a home, or for my own children’s college education, or for retirement, if I begin life owing you, between undergrad and grad school, several hundred thousand dollars? That doesn’t mean you have to pay for me to go to college, but if you are treating the entire amount as a loan not a gift, then I can’t accept and will have to figure out a way to pay my own way through a combination of work and loans in an amount that I have a reasonable hope of paying off. That means I’ll be looking for a job while taking classes at a community college.”</p>

<p>I have a feeling that your parents are not going to say “fine, then go to CC” - but if they do call your bluff, you have to be prepared to follow through. Under the circumstances, if your parents agree to pay for your education but still insist on Syracuse, I’d give in - not because I think they are right, but because the difference in quality between the two isn’t massive and you have to pick your battles.</p>

54

<p>I feel like I may have antagonized my parents in this thread…while everything I have written is true and most (if not all) of what I’ve stated my parents have said to me is verbatim.</p>

<p>My parents are young and they married/had me quite early on. I am an only child, and living with them has been a constant battle because this is their first time parenting. It doesn’t help that they are so much younger than the rest of the parents in the community. The age difference between myself and my parents is the smallest of all the families we know. So yes, they are difficult but I agree with @apprenticeprof. They’re certainly not cruel or bad people. They just want <em>what they feel</em> is best for me. Believe it or not, it took some convincing for them to even let me apply to Syracuse, but I fought hard. They probably feel a little indignant that Syracuse isn’t my first choice as of now. </p>

<p>I honestly don’t think my parents will demand I reimburse them for every cent. As an only child, I’ve been rather spoiled. When it comes to material things, my parents rarely say no as long as I’m keeping up with my responsibilities. The downside to this is that they use this against me all the time. “When have we never given you what you wanted?” is a question I’ve heard far too many times and it effectively ends the argument in their favor. My parents want me to pay (most of) what I owe back to teach me responsibility, because my college graduation pretty much marks the end of my childhood.</p>

<p>Also, there is no way in hell my parents will let me take a gap year/work/go to community college. Worst case scenario, I’ll just give up and go to Syracuse. If I stop fighting, there’s a good chance my parents will soften up and tell me I won’t have to pay back all my tuition, just as a reward for being obedient. I’m honestly very tired from all the arguing. Thank you so much to everyone who contributed to this thread. I feel a little bit more knowledge about the entire college decision process now. :)</p>

55

<p>

</p>

<p>Of course, you will be teaching them that they can control you easily, forcing you to make an unreasonable decision (agreeing to attend a more expensive school that is not your choice but on your own cost). Expect more controlling behavior from them in the future.</p>

56

<p>“Also, there is no way in hell my parents will let me take a gap year/work/go to community college.”</p>

<p>Why do you think that? Soon you will be a legal adult (if you aren’t one already) and you will be able to decide that kind of stuff on your own.</p>

<p>But seriously. You need confirmation that they don’t expect you to eventually pay back something in the range of $240,000 for four years at Syracuse before you sign up to study there. You need to know just exactly how much they expect you to contribute, and if it is more than what you can come up with through the federal student loans and working in the summers and/or school year, then you have to pin down options that you can afford on your own.</p>

57

<p>Since they did not want Syracuse in the first place, where did they want you to go? Just curious.</p>

58

<p>@dedmomny</p>

<p>No, the parents are only fronting the money with loans…which the student has to pay back.</p>

<p><<<<
I’m more worried about affording college than they are because I’ll be the one paying off the loans. IU is the cheapest option of my schools.<<<<</p>

59

<p>@mom2collegekids</p>

<p>You are giving great insight on this thread, as usual. I hope this student finds a good solution to this difficult problem.</p>

<p>Perhaps the student should consider defying the parents, but take a year off and apply to the University of Alabama for one of those out-of-state scholarships which you have drawn attention too. Even though I am an Auburn grad, I have to admire what 'Bama is doing these days. It is beginning to compare favorably with Michigan, Texas, and UNC-Chapel Hill.</p>

<p>So, @jiminycricketk, take a look at this scholarship information at Alabama:
<a href=“http://scholarships.ua.edu/types/out_of_state.html”>http://scholarships.ua.edu/types/out_of_state.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>If you got into Syracuse, you would almost certainly qualify for one of the better scholarships at UA. Think about waiting a year, unless your parents pay cash for tuition. Heavy student loans are really bad news, no matter where you go to college.</p>

60

<p>Here is the bottom line:</p>

<p>Do not agree to loans that you cannot pay back. </p>

<p>If you are expected to take out loans for $30K or more a year for four years, then when you graduate, you will be on the hook for a six figure debt which you will not be able to pay back. Don’t do this. Don’t put yourself in this position.</p>

<p>If your parents in their fevered imagination expect you to pay back these loans, don’t agree. You can’t. Cptofthehouse is exactly right. If your parents will pay for Syracuse but not IU, then you have to decide whether it’s worth it to you to go to Syracuse. But if they are not paying for either school, then you can’t afford either school and you have to find something within your budget.</p>