Convincing parents to support my top choice?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I’m compelled to post here from my iPhone. I am sure that you think everyone is ganging up on you and no one is being supportive. They are being more supportive than you know for YOU! The posters on here are sick to their stomachs about what is going on here. They work so hard and try to give thoughtful advise and we are aghast at what is going on and that your parents are doing. It’s not right. </p>

<p>I hope you are still listening. Don’t turn off what everyone is saying because your parents are making you do an unreasonable thing. And it will tie you to your parents forever. This seems to be a control issue and a way to keep you under their thumbs for the rest of all of your lives. You will never be able to live apart from them with this kind of debt. </p>

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<p>Agree. We are all on your side, OP. Good luck to you.</p>

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<p>Perhaps this might matter to your mother. Mothers often dream of grandchildren. Perhaps if you point out to her that your huge debt and the need to support them in their old age will make marriage less likely and having children (her grandchildren) unaffordable, that might help. But you still need to stand up for the good of yourself and your parents if that does not help.</p>

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<p>^ That is a sucker punch! The grandchildren angle! My folks would have listened to that one back in the old days. :slight_smile: </p>

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<p>Wow, I think this has gotten way off track! The question was Indiana vs. Syracuse? The answer is grandchildren? Army? Gap year? Parent bashing! OMG!</p>

<p>Jimney- visit both schools with your parents. Open your eyes and theirs and see where you picture yourself.</p>

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<p>Since your parents do not have the $$ in cash for your college expenses, and would actually have to take out a loan themselves, I think that the chances are high that they actually DO expect you to pay them back (and don’t plan to “gift” you with a debt waiver at graduation). </p>

<p>Your parents feel like they are “sending” you to college because they’d have to BORROW $250,000 from the bank in order for you to attend. The loan is in their names, not yours, so this is in fact a BIG commitment on their parts. They are legally and financially on the hook for that loan. (I’m not saying that this is right or good, just trying to look at things from your parents’ point of view.)</p>

<p>A quarter of a million dollars is way, way too much debt to take on – for them now and for you to commit to repay them later – ESPECIALLY with an undergrad degree in psychology. It appears that neither you NOR your parents can afford to send you to the colleges that have given you acceptances.</p>

<p>Therefore, unless your parents commit upfront to pay without expecting reimbursement for one of those colleges, you need to go to a Plan B. If you absolutely want to attend college in the fall and are unwilling to move out of the house and be financially independent of your parents (for a gap year, work and attend a CC, etc.) – and yes, I know that those are all scary options as an 18-year-old who was raised to expect to go to college, then:</p>

<p>If you have high enough stats, you should immediately try to apply to a school that has a late application deadline that might still you offer you a merit scholarship – with or without your parent’s permission. You might have to pay the application fee yourself. I think that both Arizona State and Univ of Arizona are still accepting applications and they give good merit scholarships. Beyond that, you’d probably need to take out a loan for $5,500 (the most that a student can take out without a co-signer) and you’d need to work while in college to pay the rest of your room and board and college expenses. For soph year you can apply to be an RA to cut down on housing costs.</p>

<p>Run, don’t walk, to these college websites and do the research to see which colleges you still might be able to apply to that give good merit scholarships (assuming that you have the stats for these).</p>

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<p>OP - you are being deluged with info here, but I’d like to say that I find that you sound very mature, respectful of your parents and the other posters here, and reasonably calm given your situation. Might I suggest you begin a conversation with your parents by saying “I am uncomfortable with the level of debt I will need to assume if I attend Syracuse. What are my other options?” and work from there. As the conversation progresses, keep making this one point if seems to be getting lost or forgotten. Best of luck!!</p>

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<p>Putting aside the power politics here, and as someone from the east coast who now lives in Indiana – IU is an excellent, affordable school. As our in-state option, we know many talented kids who choose to stay here for financial reasons and have all kinds of options after undergrad. Humanities departments are generally quite strong, and of course, B school and Jacobs Music school are top notch. </p>

<p>Bloomington is a great college town – a little too small for my taste, but kids love it. IU brings in great music and entertainment. Kid Cudi has performed there, Jon Stewart (I think that’s right). You are an hour or less from a large airport, in a more moderate temperature zone than Syracuse. Staying out of up state NY would be reason enough to choose Bloomington, but maybe that is just me. </p>

<p>As someone who grew up on the east coast, I found the whole notion of going to the state flagship alien to me when we first moved here. I understand, sort of, where your parents are coming from. But Syracuse and IU are pretty close in so many measures, it seems like comfort and choice and finances are good reasons to choose one over the other. </p>

<p>Many students come to B’ton from east coast for the same reasons as you – great undergrad, great school spirit, great opportunities, in a warmer climate where you don’t have to hassle with the stress of the Northeast corridor. People are nice in the midwest, seriously. When we first moved here, we would wonder who these strange people were, smiling at us as we walked down the street. We adapted. </p>

<p>Confronted with your dilemma, I would try to get your parents to come visit B’ton with you to take a look. Perhaps try the "this is a big decision, with real $ involved, we can swing $1000 to travel Newark to Indy, and overnight at the IU Union Hotel.’ Although weather still stinks in Indiana right now, it has got to be better in B’ton than anywhere else in the state. Walk around campus in April, stop into some of the amazing restaurants downtown, check out the Art Museum, see what is happening in the Jacobs Music school and elsewhere on campus. </p>

<p>You may not be able to persuade your parents with words alone. But if you can get them to come with you, they should have a better appreciation for what a good deal IU really is. </p>

<p>And by the way, no one speaks with a southern accent in B’ton, unless they are from somewhere in the south with a southern accent from their hometown . . . . B’ton is probably the most sophisticated town in the whole darn state. </p>

<p>Good luck, and hang in there. You sound like a wonderful kid, and your parents should be proud of your maturity and reasonableness. </p>

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<p>The OP is asking for a way to persuade his parents to give in to his desires. GIving him information about how knuckleheaded his parents are isn’t helpful to him. He knows that already. OP, since conversations with them go nowhere, I suggest you take the time to write them a short thoughtful letter outlining your reasoning for wanting to attend IU. Before you give it to them, ask if they are willing to read this important letter and respond to you in writing. Let them know that you value their opinion but feel as though you haven’t had a chance to express yours. Do not give them the letter if they do not ager to reply to it as you have requested. If IU has the biggest or brightest or best of something, be sure to include it in your letter. If someone famous that they admire graduated from there (or even visited once), include it. Play to their weaknesses. I suspect they think you are more worthy than a school that they (nor any of their friends) have never heard of. Give them something to brag about. Do your research and allow them to see that it is a great fit for you both academically and socially. Call the admission office or office of multicultural affairs and ask if they can connect you with either the “Asian” club or an Asian student that you can speak to and address your father’s racism concern. Racism exists everywhere, and his experience should not be discounted, but the context of a similar current student may help ease his worries. While I echo everyone’s concern about paying back the money, I trust that isn’t your main concern, it was just a way to justify your choice. It doesn’t sound like that tact will work with your parents. They aren’t concerned about the money and it sounds like you really aren’t either (although maybe you should be). You sound like a thoughtful, mature young adult. I wish good things for you. </p>

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<p>This thread has been very interesting for me. D, too, is trying to decide between her two top schools, Syracuse and Indiana. The $60K ($15K/yr x 4 yrs) difference between the two schools is making this an incredibly hard decision. D, excitedly, got into Whitman’s Retail Management program, which is one of the best in the US (outside of the fashion institutes) and Indiana’s Apparel Merch. program. Business degree vs. Arts and Sciences. Crystal ball needed to see the future re: job prospects and return on investment. Both offer lots of great connections–Indiana with heavy Chi. contacts; Syr. with NY contacts. D wants to be a buyer or rep for a major retailer/of high end accessory line. </p>

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<p>Indiana was also on D’s list and I did not think it was a good fit for many of the reasons your parents mentioned. We did not bother to visit and as a result did not submit an application. However, after researching it a bit further, I do regret that D did not give it more consideration. The school is big but certain programs can make the school seem alot smaller. It is well known and the ranking is not so shabby. In fact, its pretty good. The town, I heard, is also a nice college town. Unfortunately its too late for D but hopefully you can convince your parents to visit. I know IU is one I wish I would not have discouraged to take off the list. BTW we have a friend from NYC who did go to IU and landed a great job in NYC when she graduated. So both SU and IU are great choices to have. Good luck!</p>

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<p>The OP referenced racism and his father’s experience with it at a southern institution as a key reason why colleges in the south were ruled out by his parents. </p>

<p>I don’t think it was in reference to IU. And it wouldn’t make much sense considering IU has historically hosted a large international student population…especially among its grad students. Some of my older relatives were among those grad students back in the late '50s/early '60s. Their impressions were that the campus and local townspeople went out of their way to be welcoming and did their best to chide/drown out the few bad apples. </p>

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<p>However, the parents’ vetoing the south meant vetoing a lot of low cost (large merit scholarship) schools that could have avoided the potential debt problem.</p>

<p>(It is not even clear that IU would be affordable without unreasonable amounts of debt. Less than Syracuse debt, but that might still be more than reasonable.)</p>

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<p>OP. As parents, we let all of our kids know at a very young age that they were responsible for their own college. We can help with small things like transportation, but the tuition, room and board are best paid by the student. The good part for you is that your parents are willing to front you the money. The bad part is that they have not realized that you are an adult and need to make your own choices (and live with the consequences). The reasons we put the burden on our children was to ensure that they understood the value of the education. In our experiences, those students who depend upon mommy and daddy to pay for everything are the same ones who end up partying, missing class and making poor choices. When it is your dime, you tend to be a bit more careful about how you spend it. That being said…</p>

<p>I think your discussion with your parents should be rational. Explain your preference for Indiana and then negotiate with them about the school. Set expectations for yourself and them. Such as: If my GPA is between x and y, I only repay 80% of the ‘loan’. or If I go to Syracuse, you pay for the whole thing. Maybe you give Indiana a year and then revisit Syracuse if you do not perform. Approach them as a budding adult, not as a child. Be willing to take the advice of many here in the worst case scenario and own your own life a bit. It may be tough, but eventually, they will respect your decision and they will always love you. We all want what is best for our kids. S1 has made many choices we would have done differently, but ultimately, we chose to only advise and not try to make decisions for him.</p>

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<p>If you believe that, the best way is for the student to earn scholarships or other funding for college, not go into six figure debt (whether to parents or other lenders), especially when the parents are not giving the student a choice of colleges to attend.</p>

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<p>@Torveaux - curious how that is working out for you? Have your kids been able to swing this? if so, how did they do it? Or if it still in the future, how are they planning to do this?</p>

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<p>GertrudeMcFuzz - One of my sisters and her husband followed Torveaux’s plan. Both of their children had savings of their own from early childhood (birthday money, part-time job earnings, etc.) and both found 4-year institutions that they could afford with scholarships, student loans, and earnings from summer and school year jobs. One graduated from a home-state U, the other from an LAC. Neither of them seems to have been scarred by this process.</p>

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<p>I actually did it myself as well, but this was 25-30 years ago. Honestly, it was a very satisfying thing to do & graduating felt like a real accomplishment. But I can’t fathom doing it today with the tuition rates where they are, even at public colleges, unless you live at home. </p>

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<p>A high GPA, high test score student who knows beforehand that s/he needs to self-fund his/her college, despite parents wealthy enough to disqualify him/her from need-based financial aid, can find full or near-full ride merit scholarships (see <a href=“Automatic Full Tuition / Full Ride Scholarships - #300 by BobWallace - Financial Aid and Scholarships - College Confidential Forums”>Automatic Full Tuition / Full Ride Scholarships - #300 by BobWallace - Financial Aid and Scholarships - College Confidential Forums; and <a href=“Competitive Full Tuition / Full Ride Scholarships - #50 by BobWallace - Financial Aid and Scholarships - College Confidential Forums”>Competitive Full Tuition / Full Ride Scholarships - #50 by BobWallace - Financial Aid and Scholarships - College Confidential Forums; ).</p>

<p>But that is a lot different from the OP’s situation, where the parents want the OP to take financial responsibility for the parent’s unaffordable college choices for the OP.</p>

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<p>What if you’re not a high GPA, high test score student?</p>