For a while, I’ve been afraid to post a new thread on here, but I think I’ve mustered enough confidence to do so this time. So here goes nothing.
Since kindergarten, I’ve always been a social pariah with basically no friends by my side. Skip to freshman year of college and I had a disability single which was fine on paper but I didn’t really fit in with my dormmates and felt really isolated for a good chunk of my year. This past year, I moved into Upperclassmen Honors Classmen Themed Housing and got placed with three guys in my class. At first I thought things would be an improvement, and it was initially civil, but they failed to communicate to me a couple important things, one of them being to “conveniently forget” to tell me to tell me that I’m being kicked out and being replaced by someone in their friend group (which I wouldn’t have ever known if I didn’t text one of them at the last minute). As consequence and having no friends, being outed with practically zero knowledge, and then scrambling to ask people to room with them only to be rejected because apparently they were already filled up, I had to do random roommate/suitemate selection and I ended up with three boys in the class below me, also in my school’s Honors Program. It’s not official per se, but there sort of is a taboo against doing random selection within my themed housing community and not rooming with your friends. Unlike the other communities, it sort of seems unprecedented in this one. So I fear people judging me for it and brand me as a social pariah or outsider (which I sort of already am thanks to being socially challenged). I communicated with my suitemates already about what to bring for our suite, and they sort of seem “fake nice” to me, given that I’m a junior and they’re all sophomores and thus I don’t necessarily feel welcome.
If this ends up happening to me again next year, then I might switch themed housing communities or commute to campus instead my senior year. In fact, my current community also seems “fake nice” in the sense they appear nice to your face but have an air of smugness and exclusiveness to them and judge me behind my back. Truth be told I’ve never felt 100% welcome there. And my campus is fairly cliquey and filled with as many mean girls and frat bros/jerk jocks as high school.
Except that my school referred me to an off-campus center because they didn’t have enough resources for me. And this is exactly why I was afraid to make another thread on here.
Yes, I still attend therapy there and I told him all about it but even that wasn’t enough to quell my fears. I even had a nightmare about my suitemate situation for 2017-2018.
Decide that everything will be fine and it will be. It would be different if you were a senior assigned to room with freshmen, but once that freshman year is over, the classes all mingle together, classes overlap more, the number of credits kids have might make one a junior even though by years in school they are a sophomore, etc.
Let it go. Have fun. Ask your roommates to do things with you.
@twoinanddone
I wish I could let go and have fun but there is a lot of phoniness or “fake niceness” (or at least cliquiness and exclusiveness) in my housing community and I don’t know if my suitemates will be acceptions. I’d rather be told to my face I don’t belong than given subtle hints that I’m being ostracized behind other people’s backs (little to no communication over something important, pretending I don’t exist, etc). And like I said, it is rare in my community to either do random housing or room with anyone that isn’t your friend. And as far as socializing with them goes, let’s just say that me being on the spectrum has more or less led me to being a social outcast or pariah since kindergarten. I’m not joking. I actually think high school was easier to deal with than college in terms of socialization. The issue is me going to be the elephant in the room.
I want to hear from other current students and recent graduates to here their perspective on this.
@raclut
Too late, I already paid for my bill this semester and there’s no way I can terminate my housing contract mid-year unless I’m in physical danger or something. And I’d need a license anyway. On the other hand, there’s other themed housing communities on my campus that are less taboo about doing random suitemate selection. Both of those options would have to be in my senior year, which is 2018-2019.
I think you may be reading bad intentions into situations where they don’t exist. What you call fake nice may be awkwardness on their part, and have nothing at all to do with you. Please continue with therapy to help you get past what you think others think and on toward building good positive self esteem in you.
You paid your money so make the best of it and continue to go to counseling. The new suitemates may be very nice so give them a fair chance. If you are still unhappy then look into moving dorms or commuting next semester.
@wizman631 sometimes those folks who are socially awkward think that the social niceties between strangers is fake or phony bc they would not generally do that themselves.
Or if it is all like that, maybe those folks are feeling awkward too.
Stick with the counselling and dont be afraid to tell your roommates when you are feeling awkwatd or uncomfortable. Many kids are nice.
If you can muster the courage, call the Dean of Students or Housing Director and tell them that you have deep anxiety about your current housing situation and see if they can help you find a solution such as another community, a single, a refund or some other idea. Maybe even have a parent help you with this. Do this tomorrow! I wish you the very best. It is great that you are getting counseling.
@naviance
I don’t know if it’s serious enough to call the Dean or Housing Director yet. I anxiety isn’t that deep. I just have a negative feeling that I’ll be the elephant in the room.
@HRSMom
Perhaps I should tell them when I’m awkward and uncomfortable but that only works on paper. In reality, I might have no choice but to keep it to myself. At school there are as many two-faced kids as there are who are actually nice. Possibly even more. Either way, I should keep my ASD diagnosis to myself.
@wizman631 I can hear your anxiety jumping off the page. I think you need to give your new suite mates a chance. Give it an honest shot. Let them get to know the real you. There is awkwardness in general when people who don’t know each other room together. So people tend to hold back until they can assess for themselves in person. Don’t bring your preconceived ideas from last year to this year. It will not help the situation. Join some clubs and try to connect with people who are like you and have similar interests. If you are happier this will project and attract even more friends. I’m sure it’s not easy but everyone has been in your situation at one time or another.
As a freshman in college, I was put into a suite with 3 sophomores. It was uncomfortable but I managed and it turn out fine.