Could your Frosh D date a senior?

<p>Oh and also citygirlsmom, if kids break your trust, then by all means TIGHTEN DOWN on rules! If parents don’t then things can get out of control. I was more saying with kids who have earned trust of their parents. If you have not earned trust yet or you have broken trust, that is a whole nother issue.</p>

<p>A child’s decision to break a rule often has nothing to do with it’s fairness or reasonableness - - like feigning illness to skip class, or getting you belly pierced w/o permission. </p>

<p>D2 is among a handful of 7th/8th grade girls who did NOT get their belly-buton’s pierced. Girls who got piercing insisted, “My parents, never said I couldn’t do it.” D2 knew, however, that although we had never specifically discussed piercing, based on existing rules and values it was the sort of thing for which she would need express permssion. I assume other girls knew the same and - - as I stated in earlier post - - just didn’t care. They knew that a request for permission to pierce would likely be denied, so they did an end-run around their parents. </p>

<p>Clearly, this sneaking is b/c the parents have set at least an implied no-piercing rule which the girls won’t abide. But, as is often the case, the girls’ unwillingness to abide has nothing to do with the reasonableness of the rule.</p>

<p>I don’t know that D2’s decision had anything to do with the objective reasonableness (if ther is such a thing) of my rules compared to that of the other parents, or our respective number of rules. Nor do I take credit for the good outcome; it’s at least as much her tempermnt as our values. I am of course, extraordinarily proud when either D displays such good judgment. (I’ll save the examples of bad judgment - - and believe me, they do exist - - for another post.)</p>

<p>MacTech, look her up in a couple of years, OK, maybe 4 years, if you are still attracted then, maybe a relationship can start.
Senior-frosh in highschool is a huge difference, senior in college- senior in high school is a big difference, age 28 and age 24, not so big a difference at all. It is a matter of maturity.</p>

<p>NYC, I don’t think its a “reasonableness” issue, I think its a trust and communications issue. My daughter doesn’t sneak or do end runs because (a) she knows that there is no subject that is off-limits for discussion, and (b) she trusts that if she brings up an issue I’m not going to get angry or go ballistic.</p>

<p>The navel-piercing is a good example, because I let my d. get a piercing, but it was one of those things that was discussed over a period of months and where my daughter did a lot of work to address and alleviate my concerns. (I finally consented the week my daughter was scheduled for dental surgery, and it seemed silly for me to be balking at a superficial skin piercing when I was quite content to let a surgeon excavate her gums – all my “safety” arguments just seemed trivial)</p>

<p>The other thing is that if she does something on her own that she would have questions about – she knows she can tell me. Obviously I am not there to supervise every minute, so I don’t find out about some things until after the fact. If I disapprove or think it was a dumb choice - I will tell her, but there isn’t going to be threats or punishment entailed. More likely there is a discussion about how it could better have been handled, and/or how such things should be handled in the future.</p>

<p>While I am willing to discuss almost anything, if I have said “no” and she defies me or if she doesn’t ask b/c she expects me to say no, I will definitely punish her. Similarly if she makes a choice of which I disapprove, she knows I will probably punish her. </p>

<p>I would have punished her for piercing w/o permission, just as I would have punished her if she had joined her friends, who, instead of going to the movies, jumped into a car w/ a group of older boys (at least 18 or breaking the law since they were driving w/in the 5 boroughs). Both events would have been accompanied by discussion (very LOUD discussion, no doubt), but it almost certainly would have been followed by punishment.</p>

<p>It is certainly a matter of trust, but to do an end-run around me would violate that trust, just as a significant lapse in judgment would force me to re-evaluate house rules/limits.</p>

<p>You wrote, if she makes a choice of which I disapprove, she knows I will probably punish her. – if by that you mean that you would punish your daughter for a choice made in a context that had not been previously discussed, then I could see how that would force her to be secretive. That is, kid does X; kid isn’t sure how parent will react; so kid doesn’t tell parent about X. </p>

<p>There are a lot of changes and challenges that come up in the teen years. Teens can be impulsive and they can be influenced by other kids. Parental standards as to what is o.k. in terms of what the kid is allowed to do are also going to change, as the kid grows older – so its not always clear in a kid’s mind what the parent is going to be o.k. with. </p>

<p>I certainly would agree with you that a significant lapse in judgment would result in re-evaluation of rules and limits… but I just think that if the kid is going to fear punishment as a result of a mistake, then it’s only natural for the kid to try to conceal the mistake. </p>

<p>And why does a discussion have to be LOUD? Because the parent is angry? If I’m shouting it’s because I’ve lost my temper – that tends to happen if I’m feeling out of sorts or fatigued – but I know that’s no way to communicate with someone I love. My two kids have excellent hearing and and they can hear words spoken quietly, and when we have serious conversations then I make sure that I am in a state of mind where I can control my own emotions, and I speak in a normal tone of voice. If I want my kid to take me seriously, then I really want the conversation to end up with an earnest apology or acknowledgement from the kid – not something I badgered my child into saying because I’m yelling, but something that has happened because I effectively communicated how hurt or scared or worried or disappointed I am.</p>

<p>Mistake is just that, a mistake- a mistake is losing your backpacl, a mistake is getting on the wrong bus, a mistake if forgetting their homework, </p>

<p>Deliberately doing something that in their gut a kid knows is wrong is different: is it a mistake if they go to that party they know you wouldnt want them at, is it a mistake to get that tattoo, is it a mistake to cheat, a mistake to stay out past the agreed to time, or a mistake to not call for the 10th time</p>

<p>For example, just because we haven’t specifically not said “you can not go to Bobs house at three AM” does not mean that going to Bobs house is okay</p>

<p>Punishment can take many forms- from grounding to having to do something around the house to a VERY long talk, to having to sign a contract or whatever</p>

<p>With my Ds, when they leave the car, or call to ask/tell me they are going somewhere, I say “so do you remember the rules” after rolling of eyes “yes mom”</p>

<p>You must call when changing plans, or changing locations, ie: going from downtown to a friends house, and they need to check their cell phones to see if I have called, and to just check in ‘because’ and such, not go with anyone who is drunk, not go with anyone you don’t know, call if running late, that kind of thing</p>

<p>They running joke is that whenever I drop my Ds and friends off anywhere, I say: okay what are the rules- all the girls chime in:</p>

<p>No boys, no tattoos, no drinking or drugs, no fun! And call and check in!!!</p>

<p>Its a reminder of what we expect </p>

<p>Once my D didn’t call and her excuse was she forgot…so I asked, so what if I forgot to pick you up, or get the shoes, or buy food, or whatever, she FINAALY got it after the next time she went out I called her every ten minutes because I told her I couldn’t trust she would call me…man did that work, now she pre-emptively calls me!!!</p>

<p>LOL, the calling-every-10-minutes thing sounds more like something I would do. Not a punishment – but a discussion getting to the heart of the matter, followed by action that clearly gets the point across.</p>

<p>I can’t imagine having such restrictive parents. How do you think your kids are going to adapt to college where there are no rules and there are no check ins; where drinking, drugs and members of the opposite sex are both accepted and encouraged practice, and where there is substantial peer influence/peer pressure (they are different things) to drink/etc? You clearly don’t trust your kids at all if they have to let you know where they are every time they go somewhere and have to check in just because; that epitomizes a complete and utter lack of trust.</p>

<p>Maybe it’s just me, but I think that strong parental influences in high school help a kid to manage through college - you have a solid grounding in certain values and are used to behaving in a responsible manner. You are also less susceptible to peer pressure because you know that everyone doesn’t think that way. </p>

<p>Frosh dating a senior - eeewww. Even in college - that would be completely weird. In a lot of respects, no matter how “mature” kids are, 9th graders have a foot in middle school, while seniors have a foot in college. Seniors are also thinking very seriously about sex - at least, most of my friends were. For many kids, senior year/freshman year in college is the time to first have sex. Even if your kid doesn’t end up having sex, she could engage in other physical acts which she may regret later - or which could harden her attitude towards intimacy. How do you expect a 15-year-old, no matter how “mature,” to stand up to her boyfriend - who is several years older? Standing up to a sig. other is hard enough - why add the age component? Maybe it’s just me, but I think there’s a lot to be said for moving slowly in romance.</p>

<p>That’s my two cents - but we all know that I’m a completely traditional. :)</p>

<p>Maybe its just me, but the only kids who are immune to drinking pressure are the ones who either don’t drink for some really good reason they actually believe in (i.e. they weren’t indoctrinated by their parents to believe drinking is bad, but rather don’t drink because they have family history of alcohol problems or w/e), the ones who are social isolates who have no one to challenge what mommy and daddy told them, or religous nuts.</p>

<p>And ariesathena, you lived a sheltered life if freshman/sophomores at your HS weren’t at least thinking about sex (and I went to an affluent suburban HS, not some hardcore inner-city one).</p>

<p>I had to giggle at ariesathena’s “ewwww” comment.</p>

<p>My “ew” partner makes me live my life to the fullest and the last thing my parents think when they see us together is “ew” (except when he walks around in his boxers… then my mom screams ew!).</p>

<p>I didn’t have to stand up to him about sex when I was a freshling because neither of us wanted to do it yet. When I was a sophomore and he was a freshman in college, then we both started thinking about it. Now I am a senior and I still think it was one of the best decisions I ever made! He has a lot harder time standing up to me then I have standing up to him. What can I say, I wear the pants;-)</p>

<p>

</p>

<p>Congrats to your mother for being a better woman than I am, because no boyfriend of my 17 y/o would be walking around my house in boxers for me to even have an “ew” moment.</p>

<p>I maintain that that was her fault! My freshman year she took Justin and I to New York and we rented a suite. He was sleeping on the couch so he had the main area of the room to change in. She didn’t think of essentially reverse knocking so she walked in on him! It’s almost 3 years later and I still giggle about it.</p>

<p>I’d suggest perhaps having this young man go on a family outing with all of you–perhaps hiking & dinner? This way, you could all get to know him a bit better & make a better decision. </p>

<p>My daughter is a sophomore in HS. I’m not sure what I’d do if she wanted to go out with a senior in HS (son is a HS senior). In many ways, she’s more socially mature than son, but as many have pointed out, there is a LOT of pressure when you’re dating someone many years older than you. Until one is all done with school & working for a few years, it makes a BIG difference how far apart folks are in age, at least to me. In any case, it’s pretty moot, since neither of my kids have shown interest in dating yet.</p>

<p>All in all, I think it’s better for HS students to stick with kids within a year or two of their own age. At my kids’ HS, most kids do & the school even has age limits on the ages of folks who can come to school functions.</p>

<p>lol what exactly is this guy afraid of? “OMG he is a senior we can’t have that!”</p>

<p>if he is a good guy then it should not matter - the problem is that there is a 70 percent chance that he is not this day and age</p>

<p>On Page 10 I wrote a comment about this freshman I liked as a senior. Something funny happened not long ago. Her mom and I bumped into each other out in public. Now I’ve never met her mom face to face, but she knew exactly who I was and seemed to really like me! Plus she called me by name!</p>

<p>Now I have NO idea how she knows who I am. Although she has definitely seen me around (like last year at school or something) she never was introduced to me or anything. The stranger part is that she didn’t even introduce herself…just sort of assumed she knew who I was.</p>

<p>Now, would she say anything to my aforementioned friend (in the other post) who told me I wouldn’t have been wise to ask the daughter to prom? I don’t know. My friend is a good guy but he’s horrible with women for some reason…always gets dumped within 3 days. </p>

<p>Also, relating to a completely different topic, has anyone taken someone injured to a prom/homecomin/whatever?</p>