On a podcast recently I heard about a guy who noticed many friends over 50 were ‘contracting’ - taking less challenging jobs/assignments, adapting to complacency, letting their circle of friends get smaller, not trying new things.
I’m noticing I’m doing this a bit lately. 
- Did not go for a job that opened up recently that others encouraged me to try for (it was hard & stressful & I didn’t want to work 24/7).
- Have started setting boundaries with certain friends and if they are repeatedly hurtful to others or don’t reciprocate invites - I stop initiating contact.
Some of this is good but I also want a second half of life that says ‘yes’ and is expansive.
Anyone else have ideas how to keep living a ‘large’ and growing life - when you don’t have the kids’ activities to pull you into contact with new people and situations or the financial burden to pay for kids’ college to push the career ambition?
Thanks for any thoughts!
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Re: not trying new things. The year before I turned 50, I did a “50 weeks to 50” where I had to do something new every week. It could be bigger - hike a new trail, travel somewhere new. It could be smaller like try a new recipe, go into a different store/restaurant in town… or it could be as small as putting putting a different topping on my sandwich or pizza.
It was fun. I didn’t keep track or score. I’m not 100% positive I hit something new every week, but lots of weeks we did several new things. I’m sure it evened out.
Both H and I like our habits, H more so. This helped get us out of our comfort zone. And while I don’t actively do it anymore, we are on the look out for new things, and if I find myself ordering the same thing somewhere, I try to switch it up.
But in the last few months, we’ve driven 1-2 hours to go to a Lego convention and a Viking festival. Neither of those activities are we truly into, but they sounded fun and so we went, and had a good time.
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I love that 50 for 50’ idea, ClassicMom98! Thanks!
I’m thinking I might need something regularized or goal-oriented to move in that direction.
My husband has traveled a lot lately and I’m finding I like my little routine at home-- reading books, going to gym, working, walking with friends. That’s fine but I could see where this doesn’t facilitate newness or expansion…!
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Seems like you might be re-negotiating (with yourself) what boundaries are necessary and what boundaries are restrictive.
The two examples of what you’ve turned down seem to be wholly positive to you and your life.
How do you want to expand your world? What does that mean to you? Does it mean meeting new people? Traveling to new places? Trying new food? Are you looking for increase breadth? Or increased depth?
You’ve already started by expanding the idea of what you are entitled to/what you need to give for a job (You expanded those two things to give yourself more peace, more personal free time).
Figuring out where you want to expand is the key to opening up the world you want to explore.
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Oh wow beebee3 - that’s thoughtful and deep. 
. I’ve been thinking a lot about that lately (‘what do I want?’ ‘what’s important to me?’ [outside of kids]).
Thanks for reframing my recent ‘contractions’ in a positive way. 
I suppose I could counter each limit with a different type of challenge:
- Work - how can I contribute more substantively and efficiently in my current role, mentor others, and develop more skills?
- Friends - how can I get involved in activities where people share my values/interests?
CC is the best for great ideas! Thanks!
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One thing is to expand on some of the things you do now. “Reading books” - have you joined a book club or started one? Or checked out a new bookshop? Tried a new genre in reading? “Going to the gym” - any new classes/activities you can try?
We moved to our current city 2 years ago so I have been “forced” to try to make new connections. I found a yoga studio (have practiced for years) but have recently started barre classes. I also signed up for a dance class in my neighborhood (starting our second session soon). I have gotten out the old bucket list for travel. We get together with another couple every month and try a new restaurant.
I think anything new (especially if it takes you out of your comfort zone) goes a long way toward creating a bigger life.
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Thanks, FallGirl! I like that idea of starting with what you like and expanding on that. It’s a nice combo of recognizing your existing interests/values and pushing beyond that.
I have joined a neighborhood book club but meetings keep falling apart because of scheduling conflicts. Maybe today I’ll send out an encouraging email to get things back on track!
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I think not taking a job you don’t want just because others things you “should” is wonderful growth. The only thing contracting there is the need to meet the standards of others. 
I can’t really frame any contracting I’ve done as negative. I see it as having clearer boundaries. I maintain a lot of friendships. Dh always has said that I am good at building community. I didn’t really get that at first, but now I think that it’s a lovely compliment. And true!
Last week, dh and I ate at two new places. One was a fancy place in another part of town we had never been, but we went for our anniversary. Really pricy for us, but we agreed that the food and experience were great and would splurge again. The other place was close to us and was a thank-you from another couple for helping them out in a tight spot (we cared for her dad’s dog while he was in the hospital and rehab). I loved what I ate, and it was fun going to a new place in the neighborhood. I suppose always going to eat at the same places is a bit of a contraction? I don’t know. I just know what I like, but I am certainly open to other ideas.
I guess that I feel like I am open to new things all the time. Dh and I are in that phase going from savers to spenders. We are excellent savers, spending not so much. So the fancy anniversary meal and being bigger tippers and this summer traveling to Denmark for a family trip – those things still feel like us, just bigger, if that makes sense. I don’t think that you have to do radically different things to grow yourself.
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Love that, Youdon_tsay! “Like you - but bigger!”
I’ve been realizing lately there are some things others do that don’t so much appeal to me. Accepting that has been kind of freeing.
For instance, one very social friend goes out almost every weekend with groups of pretty well-to-do friends and they get tons of expensive drinks, have lots of rich food, stay up until 1-2 AM.
I’ve realized that even if I had the funds and stamina to do that (I don’t) I still wouldn’t want to. 
That gets rid of some ‘shoulds’/guilt…!
The idea of a day of hiking and rock climbing would be preferable - so maybe that’s a start …
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Start with one thing or one area if your life you’d like growth. Clothing or food or a specific hobby or activities with friends. Then pursue small growth in that one area. See how it feels. Keep growing where it makes you feel good and don’t feel obligated where it doesn’t
It’s your game to play. Part of “empty nest”
Decisions is making them with you in mind and maybe your partner but not necessarily multiple family or friends. YOU Are the focus of the growth
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Love this, abasket! Break it down into manageable steps, rather than getting overwhelmed with ‘change and grow in all areas asap!’ . Thanks!
Also, consider volunteer work somewhere in the mix. I volunteered with about seven different organizations (not all at the same time) until I found one that “fit.” The ones that didn’t fit taught me something about myself.
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I don’t work just for the sake of making most money now. I have the luxury of doing what I like to do without worrying about if I need to make $X to support the family. I actually enjoy what I am doing at work.
I used to do a lot of things because I had to - talk to my kids’ friends parents, meet up with people to keep up the network, et. I now have more time to do what I want to do, and that May trying out new things.
I never thought I would/could travel on my own, but I pushed myself to do it.
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I feel badly about the volunteering I haven’t done yet. I do feel like my circle of friends has gotten smaller than I would like and I don’t really have any close friends who live near by. I’ve been involved with a group called Healthy Yards for the last few years and have met lots of new people. We advocate for pesticide free yards and encourage using more native plants. I’d love to find a bookclub IRL, but I’m not sure anything will live up to the CC bookclub!
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Moving is a good way to be forced out of the comfort zone ; ). I have a great group of new friends, we try to do a lot of stuff at the nearby university, travel as much as we can, visit different local neighborhoods, and try new adventures and activities. We’ve recently taken up indoor rock climbing.
Our D is moving to a new state later this month and we are already researching where we can hike and explore when we are visiting.
I’m also brushing up on some foreign languages.
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This is a great post. Having our youngest leaving for college last fall had me thinking a lot about growth vs stagnation—but expansion vs contraction is a really helpful way to conceptualize it too.
I am more of an extrovert and like trying new things, while my DH is more introverted, and feels even more so since he’s been working from home these past four years. As we don’t have kids’ activities anymore, trying to figure out things we both like to do out of the house has been a challenge.
I’ve successfully gotten involved with things at work that interest me and finding a volunteer “fit” is next up. I love the idea of new weekly things building to 50, as I could do some myself and include DH in others.
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Just want to mention that COVID really contracted life for many of us for awhile, and it has been hard expanding out again. My tai chi group dispersed and my old art teacher stopped teaching etc. Also I got used to being alone and not doing much other than taking walks and reading. Not unhappily at all.
As for new things: the housing market is so bad here (no inventory, high prices) as are rentals (no inventory, high prices) and for 8 years, with one exception, I have done a winter rental and summer rental, the latter always different. I present this as “fun” but it isn’t.
Sometimes sameness is enriching. My walks are the same route wherever I am, and become a ritual. I am not sure we need newness to be stimulated or fulfilled but once I settle down maybe I will feel differently!
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Regarding my career, once kids’ college was paid for, and when I could retire at any time, I took jobs to “give back” to my professional community, instead of worrying about getting ahead.
Personally, when I retired, I decided I wanted to try pickleball. I took lessons, and started forming a group to play with. I really like it, and I’m now up to over 10 consistent players and we play multiple times a week.
I do feel a little guilty, because I planned to volunteer when I retired, but that was during COVID, and now my days are full enough without volunteering. Hopefully I will find something to volunteer with at some point.
We have had to make a more conscious effort to stay in touch with friends/schedule “dates” with them.
I don’t feel guilty when my days aren’t entirely full. As a matter of fact, one of my greatest joys when I first retired was having coffee with my cat cuddled in my lap every morning, instead of having to rush out the door,
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Well, the algorithm offered this up to me. I’ve never listened to a Mel Robbins podcast in my life, but this was a delightful conversation with her amazingly energetic 86yo MIL. She hits on things we’ve discussed here. This might be speeded up; I often do that.
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This is interesting to me because I feel like I am in some ways doing the opposite.
A couple of weekends ago I remarked to my husband (fully aware of the irony) that I was going to try really hard to relax on Sunday, and try to just let myself read a book and enjoy the weather.
As I get older I am finding it more desirable to “stop and smell the roses” a bit, instead of looking for new challenges in my work and volunteer positions.
I have always loved James Taylor’s line: “The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time…” and I truly believe that. I am fine saying that I enjoy each day - to me that is no different than saying one time I climbed Mt Everest. I think being an introvert has a lot to do with it. I have gotten closer to accepting that enjoying a quiet life of the mind (as Susan Cain puts it) is just as valid as a life of big beautiful spinning days.
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