It sometimes helps to think through, really intentionally, what you get from various things in life and to think about realigning from there.
If work gives you structure, a social network, a reason to learn new things, is that worth having less time to travel or the flexibity to work in the garden on a beautiful day? If not, can you get the former another way?
I also think, as you consider stretching yourself, that it’s important to remember that few things are all good or all bad. Often, you have to put up with something in order to reap the benefits. What you are doing now doesn’t have to be contraction. It is simply saying some costs are too great for what you get. (Like the stress of a new job.)
But you can still have a challenge, if that’s what you want, just on different terms. Maybe you learn a language or take classes or change your exercise routine. Or do volunteer work. It’s also okay to just “try things on” to see if they give you what you’re looking for. You’re smart to be thinking about this!
I love the idea of realigning instead of contracting. Losing “friends” you don’t want anymore, then acquiring new friends. I lost almost all of the parent friends I had when my daughter was in school, but picked up a new group of friends though a book club. Guess what, I had more in common with this new group then I ever did with the parent friends, (we really only had in common having kids the same age.)
I also see no issue with having fewer friends, if you feel more connected to those you do have. For example, better to have a couple you really get along with to socialize with, then several couples whom you don’t like as much.
Realigning time you would spend working, to spend more time exercising, volunteering, cooking, etc. is a great idea.
We recently downsized and moved. I have worked hard to spend time with my daughter (the reason we moved), explore our new area, make new friends, discover new places to eat and shop, participate in community activities and events, find a new yoga studio, attend nearby cultural events, become a part of the local library, etc. This was a major realignment.
The move has meant a contraction of my friends. However, I have decided that those who have not kept in touch, are probably not “true” friends, and I will not mourn their loss.
In terms of volunteering - my job has (very fortunately) a public service aspect so I haven’t pursued volunteering since I started (job kind of demanding too).
But now that my youngest is launched (almost) and husband traveling a lot - it could be the perfect time.
In college I taught English to Cambodian refugees and afterwards taught reading to adults. All so fulfilling. And I’ve got some time.
Had to add - wow, how inspiring to hear from Mel Robbins MIL. Whew. My 80-something (wonderful) parents were sedentary and had a good bit of physical (and mental) decline. This was a hopeful, different perspective. (I’d typed the above reply before seeing the additional posts/ideas!).
One of the common themes through these thoughtful and nuanced responses seems to be to look inside-- see what is important (e.g., realigning vs. contracting) - while also reaching outward.
RE: volunteering. I don’t volunteer and I don’t feel guilty about it. During my 10 plus years as a SAHM I volunteered a LOT. Schools/scouts/sports/community/church - I put a lot of time in. Glad I did it, but not interested now.
I hear you, FallGirl. I used to also volunteer a lot as SAHM (charity events etc.) but with my pretty demanding job over the last 14 years and my own kids’ needs have done zero (and been okay with that). Each person is unique.
However, with a starkly empty nest right now and some curiosity about what to do next, returning to my old interests has appeal.
This morning reached out to an adult literacy group!
I totally get that. I was a very active volunteer mom for about 9 years - scouts, school, library. Then I didn’t do much volunteering. I was between jobs about 10 years ago and started volunteering at a historic site. I really enjoyed that and continued even after I found work. When you get volunteer burnout, sometimes you need to take a break, or do some completely different volunteering.
I remember when I was between jobs, I was very actively looking for volunteer gigs. I got “rejected” by a bunch of places. Trained at dress for success but they didn’t call me back for a gig. Applied on line to a few other places and they didn’t respond. It was a running joke at the time, that nobody wanted my free work!
@kiddie: IME, many volunteer organizations are not well-run at all – thus, you sign up, and then hear nothing. That happened to me with Planned Parenthood. My current volunteer gig – and I’ve been doing it for about six years now – is Moms Demand Action for Gun Sense in America. They are very welcoming and do outreach to new sign-ups.
Not everyone wants to volunteer, but for those who do, it can be a very satisfying substitute for paid work.
We sent our youngest off to college last fall. We definitely did some activities over the last 8-9 months that were outside the norm. We saw a handful of comedians. We tried 4-5 new restaurants. My DW decided to volunteer and do some taxes for an organization in the area this tax season. We have gone to dinner with some friends at more regular intervals. I got back to exercising in Feb and that has definitely eaten up some time.
In the new things category—I started participating in a writing group at the beginning of this year. The group recently broke up into two smaller groups based on literary genres (fiction and creative nonfiction). I was very intimidated when I started but now I’m really enjoying the group and the women (and one guy) in it. I feel like I’m learning so much as a result of the feedback and discussion. Also, people in the group vary in age from late 40s to late 70s ( I’m old but I’m not the oldest!).
Late to this conversation, but I wanted to add, for a time when my kids were growing up, they had to choose activities in 3 categories: physical, cultural, and service. This typically translated to a sport, an instrument, and a scout or church related group.
In my retirement, I try to keep those categories in mind.
I walk, do pilates, kayak, or play pickleball each week. (physical)
I subscribe to a local theater, attend live music performances, and take classes in an adult learning group at various times during the year. I try to pick a class that will stimulate my brain, and one for fun. (cultural)
I volunteer for 2 different groups that focus on food insecurity in our community, twice a month for each. (service)
Similar to this is the concept that work provides structure, purpose, and social aspects to life, and that those elements need to be present when no longer working.
I’m an introvert and I’m happy with a lot of alone time. I think Covid was what really contributed to my contracted life. One weekly meeting was a big part of my life and it never started back up and I don’t feel the desire to put the effort into restarting it. My gym schedule also changed as while some classes happened outside during Covid several didn’t restart as the instructor didn’t return.
I do volunteer once a week, take a gym class a few times a week. I need to reach out and get together with friends more often. My book club which used to meet once a month is now sporadically meeting. I now have local grandchildren which also take up some of my time.
This thread did give me the push to get a 4 event subscription to a lecture series.
I believe this is our time now - no struggling with career launch, no sleepless nights taking care or worrying about our kids, no tuitions to pay. We should do whatever makes us happy, not to worry about whether we are contracting or expanding. If we want to stay home to binge watch a TV show, we should give ourselves permissions to do so. If we want to try a hobby we have never done before then go for it.
At this point I am not looking for big life, but rather for a happy life.
I am not sure about continuing to live a “big life”, but I don’t want my world to shrink down to nothing the way my parents life had. I feel like I have lived a “big life” already, and it was busy, stressful, and I don’t want to do it any more. There’s a good balance. I enjoy getting a regular night of sleep, and not having to do things that I don’t want any more, now that we’re retired.
My husband still wants to do “big” things. Learn how to fly a floatplane, heck, buy a floatplane. I haven’t flown an airplane in three years, I don’t want to do that any more. Buy a huge boat. No thank you, I don’t want to do that. I’ll travel constantly, but I’m tired of owning and maintaining more things. I’m thinking that I should branch out to classes at my gym, relearning how to swim, cooking classes, things that might be interesting and useful. I’d like to do different things, but not huge projects that I’m not interested in. I really enjoy living without stress.
Agree oldfort- when I compare this stage to others, it’s sooo much easier - no more stress of young kids/teens, no more caring for elderly parents-in-great-need, have some money saved, a bit less career stress since I understand the fundamentals of my job and am looking toward a transitional period of working less, etc.
But like mom60 I’m a bit of an introvert. While my husband has been traveling I’ve been quite content at home with hot cocoa reading books. While that’s a good realization - I can see where that tendency could move slowly into isolation and missing out on some joy/adventure - particularly if (as I will someday) took my job out of the equation - with all its sociability, goals, and structure.
I do like the idea of ‘it’s our time’ at this stage - most of us are fortunate to be able to write the next chapter to a certain degree.
I’m also cognizant that this is a position of exceptional good fortune (and could change at any time via health issues, family concerns, financial reversals, etc.).
Just want to be intentional. Some wonderful ideas here. The volunteer concept has somehow really cheered me!
I sometimes look at time fulfillment (or not) as “what will/would I regret?” - if limitations came into my life. Would I regret not helping others through service more? Spending more time with family? Wish I had taken more time to sit with coffee and a book?
When I was in college I got permission to take a children’s writing class at the Radcliffe Institute. Most of the women were actually refugees from a memoirs class the previous semester. They wanted to keep writing! They were a wide variety of ages and had all sorts of interesting stories! I was by far the youngest though. The nice thing about a class like this is there’s a lot of talking. I’ve taken lots of art classes, but with a few exceptions people tend not to be that talkative.
My mother volunteered for library book sales everywhere she went.
Thanks for posting about the podcast. I listened to it yesterday while running (80 degrees - appreciated the distraction!). The 86 year old reminded me of my Dad, who is now 97… slowed down but still social and upbeat.
At dinner, well actually happy hour,I repeated one of the points to my husband…. It used to be Mediterrian diet was #1 recommendation. - Now it seems to be Socialization is #1, Med diet #2
That is so great and I’m jealous! Indoor rock climbing is one of those activities I think I would have loved. Sadly, we don’t have a place in town. We took our kids to one a few times, but it’s an hour away. Enjoy!!!
The nice thing about a class like this is there’s a lot of talking. I’ve taken lots of art classes, but with a few exceptions people tend not to be that talkative.