No curfew, but I want to know where they are going /with whom/approximate return time. And I ask that they text me if they go somewhere else/change plans etc.
My kids have never been reluctant to give me this info. or acted like it was unreasonable/invasion of privacy or anything like that. I worry when my kids are out late at night and want to know where they are (I tell them, “So if you don’t turn up, I can tell the police where to start looking for the body. . .”)
If parents are providing room/board and other perks like phone, laundry, use of cars, etc., they are free to make whatever rules they want. Having a summer job while enjoying the benefits of staying at my house (which I am happy to provide if my kids are polite, pitch in on the dishes and lawn-mowing once in a while, and go to church on Sunday) doesn’t earn my kids full adult privileges. When I hear of dependent college kids saying, “But I’m an ADULT now–I’m not going to follow RULES!” Fine. Those who don’t like their parents’ rules can move out. No fights, no drama. Just find another place, pay your own bills. That’s the adult way.
We had the curfew for DS if he was borrowing our vehicle, he had to be home by midnight. If he had ridden with someone else, we asked him to be home by 1.
He is respectful and understands that H and I will worry no matter what. Whenever anyone comes in, the pups get loud and will wake anyone and everyone, including neighbors.
A few nights, he had friends over here and we encouraged them to sleep over instead of driving home under fatigue.
The rec room in the basement has a pull out sofa so we didn’t mind their watching movies and playing vidoegames, and just hanging out, especially since it wouldn’t disturb others upstairs. One of his friends from HS spent much of his summer here with us, as his family situation was different with several much younger siblings.
I totally get needing adult children to be respectful of whatever rules are in the house, for whatever reasons. What works for us may not work at all for others.
Have an adult conversation with your kid about mutual respect - acknowledge that your relationship is changing, he has had a taste of independence but you cannot allow him to run wild. As a parent, I told my son I did not want to know what he did while he was on his own, unless he wanted my advice and wanted to share something with me,
I also told him which days I did the rest of the family laundry, and if he would be kind enough to pick his clothes up off the floor and into his basket, I would consider doing his as well. But if it was not in the basket I was not going to pick up his room to do it for him.
My parents aren’t worriers and we didn’t really do family dinners so there was no reason for me to keep them informed of when I was coming home. I did, though, because I knew the dog would bark when I came in (she would sleep with my parents) and if they knew approximately when I was come home then they knew when to expect her to bark.
No curfew. She has one of our cars to use, and tells us when she’s going out with friends. When she does go out with friends, I no longer worry so much about when she’ll be home. Realistically, I know that sometimes the friends are drinking alcohol and I’d definitely rather have her sleep on a friend’s couch than try to drive home. She says she much prefers to sleep in her own bed, so she usually avoids the alcohol and is home by about 1:00 am, but if she partakes she knows she should stay overnight at the friend’s house. Mostly she seems to have good judgment.
Another parent who focused on courtesy, not curfew. Actually had them do what DH and I do: check in about dinner and general evening plans; let each other know an eta. Very basic and adult to adult. Worked out well.
No curfews here either, we just want to know their general schedule and ask them to let us know if their plans change. Like others have said, it’s simple courtesy between people inhabiting the same house. They love to cook and are more likely to ask us if we will be home for dinner than we are to ask them.
My kids usually ate at home when they were home from college because it was the only time I could see them. They generally worked in the summer, so they usually went to bed around the same time as me. On weekends they just need to keep me informed as to where they were going and when they would be home. They rarely stayed out passed 2.
In some ways I worry less when the kids are at school. At least I’m not aware of the comings and goings. Usually my kids just sleep over a friends house if they’re going to be out, or a friend sleeps over here. Mine don’t have tons of hs friends around anymore so time home is pretty much just hanging with us anyway. A few years ago my son would come waltzing through with 6 friends or more at dinner time looking to eat. It took a lot of training to let him know, I am always happy to have them, I can accommodate an extra person with no notice, I can’t possibly be prepared to feed an extra 6 or more with no notice. CALL. I ended up being ready to feed a crowd, but I honestly was happy to have them and see them and glad they were all comfortable hanging out with us.
No set curfew here either. I think I care more about dinner than how late she stays out. In general, there is a tacit expectation that she will be home by midnight or text saying she was be out until whatever time.
Last week, she went out with her BF to a parry. I asked if she needed a ride home but she said she had one. The next morning as my son and I left the house (taking him to middle school), we noticed a familiar car. “is that BF’s car?” “I don’t think so. Not the right tag number” (my son knows the tag number?).It was BF’s car but I just continued driving. Later, I asked D if he had notified his parents he would be out all night.
It’s more about common courtesy than control or curfews.
My son hasn’t had a curfew since 10th grade. When he is home from college, he rarely stays out late with friends and is almost always home by 1am when he does go out. He always notifies us (usually by text after midnight) if he will be out later than that or staying overnight at a friend’s house.
No curfew here but I expect to know if she’ll be home for dinner and if she’s coming home for the night. Because her friends are spread out over a 100 mile radius, she often sleeps wherever she’s hanging that evening. I also ask that she not drive between midnight and 2 am. We live in a beach tourist area that is over-run with college kids drinking every night in the summer and I prefer she not be on the roads if at all possible during the times the bars let out.
It was a very odd transition for me. Up until the time my son left for college, I always waited up for him to come home. Only time I went to bed before he got home was his senior prom. And even then he woke me up when he came home and we talked for a few minutes before he went to bed. And generally speaking, I knew where he was pretty much all of the time.
Then, last fall we drop him off at college. Now suddenly, I don’t know where he is (other than in a county/city concept). No idea when he gets home. Wasn’t a gradual change. Was literally overnight. No doubt and adjustment.
First time he came home for a break was another adjustment. He was in my house but I didn’t wait up for him. And I don’t always know where he is. Know a group of friends where he likely is but that is it.
He doesn’t have a curfew this summer. He works late night 3-4 nights a week. Sometimes they ask him to work and extra hour or two depending on how busy they are. Some nights he is out with friends and stays out late. Still working on getting him to be a little quieter when he comes home. But we will get there on that one.
No curfew. But she uses our cars, so we need to coordinate when she needs a car for work and when she wants a car for anything else. Like others, I just want to have a general idea of where she’s going/when she’ll be back. But if she’s going to stay out much later than planned, she will text just to let me know, and that’s fine.
I’ve had two graduated college who came home every summer to work and one who is between freshman and sophomore year. We also had no curfew but they were happy to keep us updated.
To be honest, with my 3, after a year or so out of high school they didn’t keep up with more than a very few - if any - friends/people from high school so honestly, they didn’t go out a lot except S whose GF was here. They would leave for weekends sometimes to visit friends from college but going and staying out late didn’t happen more than once or twice a week at the most. Especially since they were also working during the day.
My reasonable expectation was and still is the same for everybody who are under my roof, even if only temporarily. I would like to know where they will be and when they will back. It applies to everybody, including my H. and my adult children who have been out of my house for the very long time. I simply need to know when to start calling police and/or hospitals.
in reference to post 20, we had much the same mind-set. All the way he was growing up, we expressed to our child that we make the rules in our house NOT because we are over 18, or 21, but because we were self-supporting adults. The nice part of that is when he reached 16, 18, 21, we did not appear to be springing a new set of rules on him. Now that he’s a self supporting adult in his own home, he makes the rules in his home.
No curfews with ours, either . They would sometimes volunteer a guess at when they would be back home, but I would try to shrug nonchalantly and just say “good to know”. I will say that I did always kiss them goodbye, and tell them “don’t be the tragic headline” and they would just smile and promise to be smart. I never asked where they were going/who they were with , either – but again, sometimes they would just tell me. The rule has always been that if you want to be fed, you have to be in the house when I’m cooking OR have told me you’d be back in time. They are remarkably considerate young men, I must say. Slobs, but considerate
