Before you say anything about suicide, no I will not do that. I may be depressed, or cynical, or just stupid, but I’m aware of this issue.
My life (has) been okay-ish. Ever since I started middle school, I started to change. I was a bright, rowdy kid who always got along with people. But during middle school, I started to look at everything very badly. Like I ridiculed everyone (even my family, friends, and teachers), in my mind. All I could think of was how idiotic everyone was because they were all following a bandwagon. Hell, I’ve criticised myself too, for being self centered and dumb. I wanted to tell everyone that they were stupid for what they were doing and what they did, (sending nudes, snapchatting stupid stuff with partial nudity). But I know that would’ve back fired and got my ass kicked for it. Basically holding my tongue. I expected an ulcer by know (I’m a freshman), and I still look at everything cynically. I fantasized about suicide before and wanted to do it. But I’ve grown out of it. I have trust issues with any councilor and feel like they won’t get my problem “Oh he’s going to kill himself, tell the parents!”, or some crap like that. My grades are really poor for freshman year. Everyday I have to put on this fake mask, feelings, and voice so that I can roll with the bandwagon.
Okay, wow.
Suicidal ideation is a medical emergency. Keep that in mind.
Further, unless they’re really bad people, your parents love and care about you. They should know that you are depressed. Treatment (including medicine and therapy) saves lives.
Also, your counselor should be trained in how to help people like you.
@Somedooder Please ask to see a therapist. Letting your guard down and telling your feelings to a neutral 3rd party will help you to release this burden that you have been carrying alone for so long.
Tell your parents that you would like to see a therapist who specializes in adolescents. I wouldn’t worry about the therapist overreacting to suicidal ideation if it happened in the past and you no longer have intrusive thoughts. I’m sure it will be explored but if you are worried about something extreme happening because you admit this, I truly don’t believe that will be the case. They know how to handle situations like that. This does sound like depression or anxiety to me and you should be seeking treatment for it. I have experience with this on the “mom” side of things, and I urge you to find an adult you trust and let that person know. It’s made a huge difference for my daughter, who sounds like she used to be in your mindset. She has definitely improved over the last year. 8th grade/freshman year was a bitch for her, too.
You deserve to be happy (or if that feels like a stretch for a teenager…at least content.) Be well.