<p>D is a sophomore at Big But Prestigious State U and will be coming home for the summer. She has been in a relationship with her BF for about 7 months now-- they met in a study abroad program last summer. For the last few weeks, D has been lobbying to let BF come and stay at our house over the summer. His situation is that his family lives on the other side of the country and he, according to D, will not have the money to pay rent over the summer, so their idea is that he would stay with us for “free.” She promises that he would work and give us part of his earnings – which of course we would not only appreciate but expect. </p>
<p>We’re not sure how to decide, though – D and DBF have a somewhat rocky relationship, it seems they break up and get back together every other week (they broke up over the winter break, D cried to beat the band all day Christmas). On top of that, we simply aren’t huge fans of DBF. We met him a while ago and he seemed intelligent but very full of himself, not particularly hygienic and not particularly respectful toward me or H or even D. He brought up politics over dinner and let’s just say that H and my world views differ quite radically from DBF’s; I thought H would bite through his tongue. H absolutely can’t stand him and I can’t imagine what would happen if those two were living under the same roof. A few days ago D called me in hysterics – she’d just gotten off the phone with her dad, who’d insulted DBF, and so she went on and on about how we don’t understand her, we want to ruin her relationship and enslave her forever, and so on. and here we were thinking she’d gotten that out of her system at 14. </p>
<p>I’m more in the middle. I’d sleep better at night without him in my house, but if this is what D really wants then it’s probably feasible and I would hate to further incur her wrath. And if it’s really true that he’s in such dire financial straits then I guess it would make sense. Has anyone else ever dealt with a child’s S/O squatting at your house? </p>
<p>(if I’m the first to use the acronym DBF, may I please copyright it? )</p>
<p>Sounds like a really bad idea to me! My college boyfriend went home to his parents over the summer; we survived. Can’t he get a job at his home area and live rent-free there?</p>
<p>D1’s BF stayed at our house for 2 weeks while waiting for his summer housing to become available. He came to our area because he had a job lined up already and he had a place to stay for the summer, but it didn’t exactly fit to his job schedule.</p>
<p>I think one thing to remember is that it is YOUR house. It is up to you to decide who could stay at your house. It is not your job to subsidize another kid. Even if you liked the BF, I think overall it is a bad idea to commit to have him live with you over a long period. What if they were to break up? Would you feel comfortable in throwing him out? I wouldn’t, so it would it become very awkward. I advise my girls not to live with their SO until they are ready to get married to the person, because it is always better to have a place to go back to. It is an expensive option, but it is something worth to have. </p>
<p>This sounds like a recipe for disaster. Just say no. Do not worry about incurring her wrath - it is your home and your decision. She needs to grow up. She is trying to guilt you into letting him stay. He can’t afford rent? How about going home to his parents.</p>
<p>We have had children’s friends stay with us for a few months at a time but never a boyfriend/girlfriend. In each case we knew we liked the young person and were happy to help them out. From what you have outlined I would just say NO. Too much drama-too much could go wrong here.</p>
<p>You’re not running a bed and breakfast. Even beloved guests are a burden after a while, and there is no good reason for this boy to stay with you all summer. If you want to be generous and understanding, tell your D that as her friend, he may visit the family for, say, a week, and that is it. You’re not interested in accepting lodgers and that’s all.</p>
<p>Sounds like the BF needs to find a couple other male students looking for a summer roommate and pay THEM part of his earnings. I would say no or since your D thinks that you are trying to enslave her, give her the option of being the BF’s roommate. Let them find an apartment together for the summer that they can afford :D</p>
<p>I’ve got to agree with everyone else. This scenario sounds like it could have a very bad ending. Your D will most likely be very upset, but she will eventually get over it. So glad our D is not in a serious relationship right now.</p>
<p>And don’t let her start an argument with you! Tell her calmly that you and her dad have discussed it and are just not comfortable with him staying. That’s it, end of discussion. If she tries to argue, say, “I’m sorry, I’m not going to engage you on this.”</p>
<p>It’s very hard when we want our kids to be happy, we want there to be peace in our homes, but I think your short term gain of saying yes is going to lead to exactly what you are trying to avoid, an unhappy kid when BF and Dad aren’t getting along swimmingly, or when she and BF have a fight and he’s living in her home, and the peace you were seeking is nowhere to be found…AND you are still in the middle. As others have pointed out, it is your home and it is not your responsibility to provide housing for the BF for the summer. This is not a situation where he has nowhere to go. He does have parents, that’s just not where he wants to spend his summer. It would be slightly more compelling if you lived close to NYC or DC and he had an internship already secured in his area of study that was just too good to pass up (finance or public policy for example). That’s not the case here. Your DD and her BF simply don’t want to be apart this summer, he’s ‘promised’ to get a job (I don’t know where you live but it’s very hard for kids to find summer work here), you’re not fond of him or how he interacts with your DD, and they have a history of breaking up. Turn this around…if a good friend came to you with this scenario asking for your advise what would you tell them? I strongly suspect if you take out the emotional equation of disappointing your DD you’d agree that this is not a good idea for anyone involved. If you wrote this post looking for permission to say no, I think you’re getting it from a lot of people (but you don’t need it, it’s your house ).</p>
<p>^^Agree with no and agree with MaineLonghorn’s suggestion. IF he works and saves some money during the summer perhaps he can quit his job a week early, come to visit your family (paying his own way) and travel back to college with your D.</p>
<p>Just one more vote ‘no’. Husband and BF clashing all summer? Will the BF actually pay you? What dire circumstances? Having to go home to mom and dad for the summer? </p>
<p>But maybe use some skillfulness in dealing with daughter. Wouldn’t put it to her in terms of not liking the BF.</p>
<p>BF’s lack of sensitivity is not going to be a nice addition to your family’s dynamic.</p>
<p>It sounds like you might cave, though. So if you decide to do it, you better make darned sure you and H sit down and have a talk with the BF, with expectations, groundrules, and an agreement on rent money. And what happens if he doesn’t come through. Really, I would go so far as to have a written agreement.</p>
<p>Your D should be happy with a change to Yes, but conditional. H may not be so happy!</p>
<p>My HS bf lived with us on and off throughout high school as he dealt with homelessness and I still say no. </p>
<p>If she wants to live with him that badly, do what other adults do- get an apartment with him. </p>
<p>I live with my S/O in college and would never expect my parents to take him in. We live together and pay our own rent- because that’s what adults who want their way do.</p>
<p>No one should fear the “wrath” of their college-aged child (or any-aged neurotypical child for that matter).</p>
<p>Your house, and you and your H (I assume the owners) are the ones to invite any guests. Long-term guests can be a special challenge in the best of circumstances. This situation has complications (D and DBF have a rocky relationship, your H has to bite his tongue a lot, DBF not that hygienic, etc.) What about how he would be about cleaning up after himself in your house? Having to nag a guest would raise my BP.</p>
<p>He can get a job somewhere that comes with housing, or line up a group of buds, etc. Or live with his family. Tell D she is free to make whatever summer arrangements she wants as long as she can meet whatever contribution you have worked out for her own college expenses.</p>
<p>In any event, I doubt this relationship will last that long. </p>
<p>No need for you to make your feelings about the BF part of the response. Just say you would not be inclined to do this for anyone other than very close family or very close long-term friends in an emergency (such as Sandy, for example). This does not pass the sniff test LOL.</p>
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