<p>Even if it’s true, everything the OP has said tells me that Dad should just stay out of it at this point. She already sees problems with her BF but hearing it from Dad likely results in her defending him. Seems she’s willing to hear some truth from Mom, but not from Dad and maybe hearing it from both is just too much. Just my take on the dynamics.</p>
<p>In any case, unless you like being in the middle, I’m not sure I’d want to wade in to referee about what the dad did or did not say do D, as I’m assuming you have no control over dad. Why should it be any of your concern? Seems like D just wants to pull you in and make you take a side to add to the drama, which your D seems pretty good at whipping up all by herself. It seems like a good time to step back and keep out of the drama rather than participating.</p>
<p>I don’t think it’s ever a good thing for a parent to take the child’s side against the spouse. I really think that the father’s dislike of the BF should be the end of it. It is his house, yes it is the daughter’s home, but some things aren’t about the kids.</p>
<p>Agree. If either Dad or Mom do not want BF in the house, then that is the end of that discussion. I wouldn’t want it even if I liked the boy, particularly with all the drama in the relationship. They don’t need to justify the decision.</p>
<p>OP, You said: " I’d sleep better at night without him in my house, but if this is what D really wants then it’s probably feasible and I would hate to further incur her wrath. "</p>
<p>You also mentioned your D’s drama–that she complained to YOU about her dad insulting her BF, putting you in the middle. You said she has you under a “reign of terror.” And you said your D complained that YOU and H want to “enslave” HER??</p>
<p>Questions to OP: Are you afraid of your daughter? Why would you sacrifice your/your H’s comfort to please D? Who are the grown ups here? This is YOUR/H’s home. The answer should be absolutely NO. Period. No discussion. Why enable your D to become more involved in an unhealthy relationship with a guy you don’t like? Why even consider hosting an unwelcome guest? Don’t let your D bully/emotionally manipulate you and pit you and your H against each other. (Not even going to mention the BF’s hygiene issues. . . ;)</p>
<p>If your D wants to be with her BF for the summer, maybe they could get jobs at a park/camp/resort that has housing for employees. There are other ways for her to arrange to be with her BF that don’t involve imposing on her parents. Let her figure that out herself if that is what she really wants. </p>
<p>Maybe you could point out to your D that drama/“passion”/fights/breaking up-making up/emotional upheaval, etc. up do NOT indicate “True Love.”</p>
<p>It looks like you are past the issue of the BF staying for the summer, but that your H’s relationship with D may have suffered some damage in the process. If they are each receptive, I see nothing wrong with talking to H and D separately and encouraging each to make amends for their part in the argument. You are a family and this affects you, too. </p>
<p>I would not send the message that you don’t care if she comes home under these circumstances (not saying that she has to come home every break she has) or not. I would want her to know that you DO care and DO want to see her, but that she’s not going to get her way when a request is not reasonable and you are not going to cave in to tantrums or demands. She’s obviously going through a very emotional time. That doesn’t excuse disrespect or bad behavior, but I would want her to know that you and your H always love and support her, and always welcome her visits.</p>
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<p>While I agree in most instances, including this one, there are exceptions so I don’t agree with the EVER part. </p>
<p>One exception I can think if is if a spouse is abusing the child. In that case, I’d think not only is it a good thing for a parent to take the child’s side morally, I’d expect it of anyone who is fulfilling the bare minimums of being a responsible parent. </p>
<p>Not to mention failing to do so by protecting and reporting it may incur the wrath of the law/child protective services depending on the jurisdiction one happens to live in as that very failure can be considered a form of child neglect.</p>
<p>You do not have to invite boarders in - you own the house. You are all adults. You don’t need to have any reason, it’s just a decision. And you are free to make any decision you want. Stop treating her like a child, afraid she won’t love you any longer if you make her mad.</p>