<p>So I called up D today and she answered, in tears (what else is new :rolleyes: ) and said that she and her BF are fighting like never before and might break up. I took advantage of the situation and we had a fairly frank conversation about how it just would not work out for him to stay over the summer. She agreed without really protesting and basically said that she was wrong to have been asking in the first place. However, she refuses to talk to her dad and is saying she will not come home for Spring Break because she “refuses to be in the same house with him.” So that’s another battle I’ll be fighting on both the D front and the H front for the next couple of weeks…</p>
<p>But in any case, I’m having trouble believing that this whole drama with the boyfriend is over. I just know they’ll break up and then get back together again and then we’ll be back at square one, with D accusing us of being micromanaging slavedrivers. I wonder what she’ll think up next-- Maybe she’ll demand that we move out for the summer and let her and the BF have run of the house while we’re gone. <em>sigh</em></p>
<p>Sounds like a couple of people in the family seek out drama. It’s time for your D to break that pattern or she’ll be repeating, with little chance for satisfaction, for a long time. The other person buying into the drama needs to regulate for the sake of your D.</p>
<p>A definitive hellz no! Not only would there be conflict, but as another commenter noted…this could end up becoming a housing legal issue if he refuses to leave. </p>
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<p>While the D does need to play a role in breaking the pattern, the father also needs to do so. If anything, I’d hold the father more responsible for breaking the pattern on the basis that he’s older and a parent thus, should be held to a higher standard in maturity and patience. </p>
<p>However, that’s not to say the D is off the hook. She also needs to learn some self-control and to avoid starting or inflaming further conflicts…especially considering she’s an adult. </p>
<p>Though it may appear I’m more sympathetic to the D, I am actually not as I personally find highly emotionally strung people with drama complexes to be some of the most insidiously obnoxious people to be around. Unfortunately, if the father doesn’t set the tone by setting an example of maturity, patience, and self-control of his own…the drama between them won’t go away and may even escalate.</p>
<p>Actually, I think the mom is also buying in:</p>
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<p>To OP: there is no “battle” for you to fight. You can just stay out of it. If your d won’t come home for spring break, tell her, “fine”. Not coming home should not be a threat that over-18 offspring can use to manipulate their parents. The best thing to do is give the impression that you don’t particularly care whether she comes home or not. </p>
<p>It also isn’t your “battle” to make peace between H. and D. Let them work it out on their own.</p>
<p>imperialmom–I think the frank conversation needs to be around how men are supposed to treat women and how she needs to not sit back and take crap from any boyfriend. Don’t harp on the “current” boyfriend, just point out examples of how it’s not ok if a guy does this or that. I think you also need to stop buying into the drama. She’s an adult acting like a 13 year old girl. Tell her to cut the crap and grow up–only nicer :D. When she pull stuff like “I can’t stand to be in the same house as Dad”, tell her fine and ask her what her plans are for spring break and how SHE is going to pay for them…getting into a discussion over drama just leads to more…</p>
<p>I’m absolutely not trying to be critical, but your D is running roughshod over you. She is throwing tantrums to attempt to get her way. It may not be working, but it IS changing the way you deal with her and causing you stress. When she said she didn’t want to come home for spring break why is that something you’ll have to deal with later? It’s a quick “I’m sorry, we’d love to have you home. Let us know if you change your mind we’d love to see you.”. The end. Ball’s in her court. </p>
<p>You admit her ‘wrath’ is an issue so I assume it’s not new, just worse when she’s emotional (which seems to be frequent with this BF). That doesn’t give her carte blanche to act as she wishes. This is when you say “I love you, however when you can speak to me like a mature adult, show me some respect and gratitude, then call back and we’ll talk.”. I have a wonderful 19yo son that I adore, who is not prone to this type of thing, but when I catch attitude beyond what I feel like forgiving for late night studying and stress, this is exactally what I tell him. It doesn’t take too long for him to regroup, recenter, call and apologize. They are adults, but we are still their parents, not a punching bag, doormat, maid, or other servant that goes unthanked for things they EXPECT must happen without question.</p>
<p>Boyfriend or not, it sounds like this may be a dynamic that needs to change. It will take all three of you, (you, DH, and DD) and depending on how deep rooted the behavior and communication standard has been some outside help might be necessary to restore some harmony and balance.</p>
<p>Just a thought. . . campus counseling is not just for students with mental illnesses. I bet most of what they do is fairly short term stuff geared towards normal college students issues. Lots of kids visit for homesickness (which passes), roommate issues, test anxiety, and a big one . . . navigating interpersonal relationships. Why not suggest that your D go see a campus counselor to sort through this relationship with her bf? It does a couple of things. Helps her put on her big girl underwear and deal with the issue without so much drama. Helps her not pull you and your H into it all the time. Helps her examine what a healthy relationship looks like.</p>
<p>I’m wondering if, deep down, DD is looking for you to step up and be the mom. Be firm with her and don’t let her blackmail you into doing something your gut says ‘no’ to! A summer full of this kind of drama would make everybody miserable, most of all DD! </p>
<p>If you can, go see her. Perhaps she just needs her mom to get her refocused and grounded. </p>
<p>This guy is not good for her! </p>
<p>Easy for us to say, but there are lots of fish in the sea and she–most importantly-- needs to stand on her own two feet and, perhaps in good time, find another fish.</p>
<p>I’m also thinking DH should wrap his arms around her and give her a hug, if possible. If nothing else, he should give her a call and ‘patch things up’! She needs her parents to be in her corner, but NOT because they don’t want to incur her wrath.</p>
<p>Even if your family got along great with D & DBF, a summer is entirely too long to have DBF as a houseguest. There is no way either of our kids would ask us to have a houseguest for all summer and no way we’d consent. Even when we were growing up, the longest we asked to have a houseguest was perhaps a week. The request is wholly unreasonable. Do not let the threat of a tantrum or drama stop you from sticking by your rights as homeowners and caving. “Just say NO!” This is non-negotiable. </p>
<p>That your D is choosing to be around someone who does not respect you, H or D is a separate but also very important issue, especially if D doesn’t even recognize this.</p>
<p>What D decides to do for her spring break seems irrelevant here, other than making sure SHE comes up with the resources to do whatever she plans, unless you & your H want to fund that.</p>
<p>“A few days ago D called me in hysterics – she’d just gotten off the phone with her dad, who’d insulted DBF, and so she went on and on about how we don’t understand her, we want to ruin her relationship and enslave her forever, and so on.”</p>
<p>“she refuses to be in the same house as her dad”</p>
<p>I’m not sure it’s the Dad who needs to show maturity. It sounds more like if she puts up enough of a fuss she ends up getting her own way. I would say ok. Don’t come home for spring break. and by the way if you can’t show respect for your dad then it would probably be best if you find some where else to stay for the summer. I think if you tell her how you expect her to behave she may change her behavior.</p>
<p>Why oh why is Dad bothering to insult the boyfriend? It’s silly and will accomplish nothing, except to make things worse. He must know that insulting him will just bait an argument with his D. She will likely come to the conclusion on her own that this guy is not right for her. Dad pointing it out will only delay that.</p>
<p>To be fair, dad might not have insulted DBF. It sounds like D is incredibly oversensitive and may have twisted something her dad said into an insult.</p>
<p>^ I don’t totally disagree that insulting your kids SO is dangerous territory. There is a difference in DH saying the BF is a lazy neanderthal who won’t amount to anything, and DH saying that BF doesn’t treat DD in a way that she should be and pointing examples. Each can be viewed as ‘insulting’ the BF in DD’s eyes, however one is totally unproductive and better left unsaid, while one may be an uncomfortable truth that the DD needs to hear. It depends on what was said.</p>
<p>edit: crossed posts with BCE & romani…seems we all have the same general thought.</p>