iamontheinternationalspacestationandthereisnowheretogetabeer.
thereisnospacebar.
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Can a frog jump higher than a house? Of course, a house can’t jump.
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I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
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I don’t get it.
“Per capita” means divided by the number of people aka population! 
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Or, to put it as a quiz:
Q: Which state has the highest population per capita?
Incorrect answer: Hmm, I’ll guess New York.
Correct answer: What a stupid question. The per capita population of all states is equal.
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From the cashier at Trader Joe’s as he was scanning my groceries:
Do you know what happens when you kill too many chickpeas?
You get charged with hummus-ide.
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What did the triangle say to the circle?
You’re pointless.
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How do cows stay up to date? They read the Moo-spaper.
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Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?
He pasta way!
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What did the bee say to the flower?
Hello honey.
One more:
What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs!
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I like telling Dad jokes.
Sometimes he laughs!
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My first grade joke was “What has 4 wheels and flies?” A garbage truck - works better as a verbal joke.
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Which car brand do most belly buttons prefer?
- Audi
(I’m keeping my day job)
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Having waited at the gate for three hours due to numerous delays, Bill was hungry, so when he noticed the woman next to him eating a candy bar, he couldn’t help but smash her bliss bubble and insert himself into her situation:
“Pardon me, ma’am, but that candy bar looks really good! I have a few bucks – do you have another one by chance?” he asked.
“I’m sorry, no, I don’t,” she replied.
Cheeks turning peach, to pink, to crimson, Bill continued, “Hey, no problem. Guess I’ll grab a Hershey’s at the magazine store.”
“I’d rather eat chalk,” she said.
“Why is that?” Bill inquired.
“I’m a chocolatier,” she answered.
Bill’s pink face took on a look of confusion and he paused a few beats before ending the conversation with, “Lady, I’ve heard a lot of crazy things in my time, but this takes the cake. You are most definitely not a chocolate ear.”
How do you know that diarreah is genetic?
It runs in your jeans 
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