<p>Dad passed away almost 1 year ago. His estate is very close to being closed. Older brother who lives in Florida (the rest of us live in NY), just advised us that he had elected to forego his executor fee as he realizes that the majority of the running around/maintenance of Dads property have been done by those of us living where Dad owned property. He told us to consider it a gift from him. He also asked if any of us had any requests and/or comments. In usual fashion, I elected to voice my opinion that I felt that my younger brother, deserved some kind of special compensation as he is the one who has taken care of maintaining the property, inside and out, preparing and selling two vehicles, and a boat.<br>
In turn, this same brother ,was requesting some compensation for me(without my knowledge), for taking care of my fathers beloved dog, who this year alone has required approximately $1,000.00 of veterinary care including special food/chronic ear infections, etc.<br>
Long story short, the remaining siblings responded negatively, in other words they stated that my brother was doing things no one asked him to do, he was doing it because he wanted to, and that I wanted the dog, so therefore, I am responsible of his vet bills.<br>
Neither my brother or I wanted or would accept compensation. But that fact that the other siblings reacted so negatively to each of our requests(he on my behalf, me on his behalf) has created a rift, that Im not sure can ever be mended.
Please know that the other siblings who live here, have done nothing to help clean/empty/stage Dads cottage (I did this), or offer any help to mow/weed/plant/maintain/repair the cottage. The cottage is about 1 hours drive for all of us. My brother made the commute at least once a week (sometimes twice), I made 4 or 5 trips this summer, my other siblings NEVER went, never did anything. I should tell you that when my mother passed away 9 years ago, it was a similar situation. Younger brother took care of her home for years, until she went into assisted living/nursing home. I made daily visits as she required tube feedings for a year before she went into nursing home. So, pretty much the same pattern with both parents. I also have my Moms dog, as that was her request, in fact thats the only thing she worried about when it came time to move to the nursing home.<br>
So family is now torn, and while that makes me sad, Im not sure if I can make amends with these siblings, who not only dont appreciate whats been done by others, they wont even acknowledge it.
Any advice or words of wisdom. Im heartsick.</p>
<p>I am in the same position. My father passed away suddenly few months ago. As I live closest to my mother, I have been going out to see my mom every weekend and helping my mom with settling my father’s affairs. I have put my life on hold in the last few months in order to make sure my mom was ok. I am moving in few weeks, so I asked my other siblings if they could come for few weekends to stay with my mom since I wouldn’t be able to get out to see her. My siblings all said they were too busy and my mom should try to manage by herself. In order to get out to see my mom from NYC every weekend, I’ve had to keep a car in the city - parking, insurance, gas, tolls, all add up to quite a bit.</p>
<p>My advice to you is to remember why you did what you did - for your parents, not for your siblings. When my father passed away, I didn’t have any “should have” or “could have.” It will be the same with my mother. I don’t think I could live myself if I just left my mother by herself and expected her to start taking care of her financial affairs. I don’t feel that warm and fuzzy toward my siblings now, especially when I saw a HI picture from one of my siblings recently. </p>
<p>I need to let it go and so do you. I am sure you like what you see in the mirror more than your siblings.</p>
<p>I don’t have any answer for you, but I can certainly understand your frustration. I do 99% of the work for my parent’s situation and would be annoyed and hurt if my siblings who do nothing were disrespectful of my level of work.</p>
<p>It is sweet that your brother nominated you!</p>
<p>I suggest you post this on the parents caring for parents board, lots of people in similar situations who may have perspective to offer.</p>
<p>If you weren’t going to accept compensation, why would either of you bring it up? except to insist on recognition. Unfortunately you can’t ask that your efforts be appreciated, they either are or they aren’t. My guess is all that was “done by others” (you) was not what your siblings thought was important or necessary, or they would have done it a different way, or a different timeline, or made different decisions if it had fallen solely on their shoulders. And if they had been in charge, it would have been reasonable for you to be disappointed in the results -not what you would have done, not as you would have done it. Since so much was up-to-you, a job well done will have to be it’s own reward. I’m sorry, but sometimes that’s all there is. This board is the perfect place to vent. I would, however, let-go of your resentment.</p>
<p>There is no point in being heart sick. You and your brother have done your duty to your parents as best you could.</p>
<p>Its an emotional time for you, but it also an emotional for your siblings. Whats behind their reluctance to help? Who knows- maybe having a grousing spouse, and inability to face your fathers empty house, commitments to children’s activities. Whatever- somewhere they are probably feeling guilty that the burden feel on you and maybe this is part of the misdirection. </p>
<p>Whatever they may be feeling, you, your brother and the executor know the score so let it go.</p>
<p>^All great advice. I have been through something similar. As someone else mentioned, your siblings may have viewed some of what you and your brother did as unnecessary or optional, and therefore not entitled to compensation. My sister constantly drove over an hour to take my Dad places at his beck and call. While she was nice to do this, I did not like it, because it enabled my Dad to become dependent and demanding, rather than learn to use the free door-to-door van service that was available to him. Then when my sister was unavailable, the pressure was on me to fill in or look mean, and I lived 2 1/2 hours away. It was rough. Just throwing that in as an example of another perspective.</p>
<p>I’m at my dad’s right now. My sister who lives with him is on a well needed vacation. It never dawned on me NOT to come for the week. My sisters are terrific…but if someone wasn’t, I would just be grateful that I could do what I was able to do.</p>
<p>I moved my family from the East Coast to the West to help my mom as dad had cancer. Dad died in 2002 and mom had been into Parkinson’s since. I am the only one in my family taking care of her. I am not looking for recognition or compensation(although mom reduced the rent when I lived in one of her houses, however, I could very well stayed in my house on the East Coast). I think I am just repaying back to my parents, not expecting any more from my siblings.</p>
<p>I did all sorts of stuff for my grandmother when she was at the end of her life. I will never be compensated for that but that’s not why I did it. </p>
<p>I will not be doing anything for my parents. </p>
<p>My sibs are welcome to the entire estate. I don’t want a thing. </p>
<p>I only say this to point out that we do what we do for different reasons. </p>
<p>My closest friend has a situation where she is pretty much solely responsible for an aging mother. There’s a lot of money. She’s started to hire help. Sibs complained. She laughed. </p>
<p>We will take care of MIL no matter what. There’s no money, but I don’t care. The woman is an angel and will have my help and assistance. </p>
<p>You just have to do what you want to do. Because its the right thing for you. </p>
<p>I’m sorry for your loss. I imagine you were close. </p>
<p>Fwiw, sibling relationships always change a lot after the parents are gone. It’s inevitable</p>
<p>Alwaysinterested, I’m sorry for your loss and the heartache of disappointing siblings. Been there, done that (still doing) but I know that doesn’t help you feel better.</p>
<p>I am a single mom (by adoption so there’s really just me) and I often thought I’d like to adopt a sibling for my daughter because, despite the turmoil, my brothers and I were there for one another when it counted. Well, I can’t say that anymore. But I know I am doing the right thing for my dad and stepmother (92 and 90) and I know they are grateful. And I know that my daughter sees it too.</p>
<p>I also recommend the parents caring for parents thread:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1385049-parents-caring-parent-support-thread-137.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1385049-parents-caring-parent-support-thread-137.html</a></p>
<p>I hope the hurt lessens over time. And I am so glad that your brother and you were on the same wavelength.</p>
<p>Sometimes, you just want an acknowledgement, a kind word. I think it’s lovely that two siblings recognized each other’s efforts.</p>
<p>So, yes, it stings that the others were negative, especially at a time when we hope the bonds are good. Sometimes time heals. Other times, this sort of thing is a wake up call. Just don’t let it eat at you. You don’t deserve that.</p>
<p>And, if you go back over the caring for parents thread, you’ll see how often this sort of thing arises. Most of us don’t know how to handle end of life or death issues, until we’re smack in the middle of it. Even then, we feel our way through. It’s tremendously stressful. Best wishes.</p>
<p>Snugapug…neither of us knew how the other felt, or that we had asked the executor independently to recognize what the other had done. Executor offered up his fee, split equally to everyone as reward for taking care of the things he did not. The problem is the other two siblings did NOTHING. On principal, I wanted them to recognize and admit that only one of us really did anything, and that was my brother. He felt that the dogs expenses should be taken care of. The dog is now a beloved member of my family and we are happy to take care of his expenses as we do our own pets…but for my siblings to say “she wanted the dog, that’s on her” is a little cold and is untrue. My dad left the dog here, for me to take care of when he went to the hospital for the surgery he did not survive. I felt it was my fathers wish that I continue to care and love the dog as he had. As if I had a choice? And all of you who said that I could look in a mirror are correct, I did everything and anything I could to help my parents, so I don’t have a thing to be guilty of. But knowing how my siblings feel, and how greedy they have become is a little unnerving.</p>
<p>Alwaysinterested and oldfort, I am very sorry for your losses.</p>
<p>I’m sorry to read about this. It is always so disappointing when loved PND come up so short and assume that there should be no compensation for expenses and time incurred in acting for loved ones. I hope someday you and your brother can let the pain go. You are richer for all both of you have done. So sorry your sibs have failed to appreciate all you’ve done. It is really their loss.</p>
<p>It sounds like you have quite a few siblings, and among them you have an older and a younger brother who are great. So my suggestion is to be grateful for what you have, and move on. Don’t hold a grudge against the selfish siblings, but don’t agonize or put yourself out over them either. They’ve shown their colors, they are not going to change. I assume that the executor brother is going to make a fair distribution, so at least you don’t have that to worry about.</p>
<p>This family stuff can be so hard. I think it’s great that you asked about compensation for your brother if only to remind your other siblings how ungrateful and selfish they are.</p>
<p>I worry about this with my dad. I live 1500 miles away but my sister is near him. Every time I go down to visit I try to do some small task related to helping purge the vast amount of useless and unwanted stuff he has accumulated, because I know that when the time comes my sister will be the one who has to bear the greater burden.</p>
<p>Although my sister and I found it difficult, we made a joint decision to honor our mother’s request and take care of each other after she died two years ago. That meant letting things go. I realize that most family problems come down to 1) favoritism and 2) money. So my sister and I made a conscious decision to let it go, knowing that my mother’s estate was split 25% 25% for each of us and 50% for the third sister (because the third sister was terrible with money, and so needed it more). We let it go when we realized that the third sister knew that she had claimed the original, valuable paintings and suddenly let us have the others, when she pretended she didn’t know which were the valuable ones. We let it go when she took over moms checkbook and did not give us the passwords to the online account. We let it all go, and now, over two years later, we realize we did the right thing. We’ve maintained a good relationship and will continue as sisters and friends. We promised our mother, and although it was tough going through it, we worked really hard at maintaining a good relationship. And this is how our mother would have wanted it. So our sister has more of mom’s money, but then she needs it more, and she has the artwork, but we have each other, and will continue to work hard to maintain it. I know of too many families that have been torn apart, almost always because of money. It’s just not worth it. The money would have been nice, the relationship for us and for our children, is nicer.</p>
<p>Many thanks for the sharing of stories and the words of wisdom. This is very difficult. I forgot to add that the estate was cash poor, the only tangible asset being the cottage which means there were no funds to pay someone else to take care of the property. My brother has done it for the past year, even after his wife was diagnosed with ovarian cancer in April. Never asked for help, just kept doing what needed to be done. I only want that acknowledged. He doesn’t want compensation, but feels betrayed that no one seems to want to even say “thank you”.</p>
<p>I think sometimes it is easier for the non-doers to pretend it is nothing than to acknowledge it, because then they would feel indebted. The way I look at it is I am setting an example for my kids.</p>
<p>I don’t know about this. I did a lot for my Dad’s estate, including single-handedly cleaning out 30 years worth of possessions and selling the property. I never expected my siblings to thank me for doing this. I wasn’t doing it as a favor for them, so it wasn’t something I felt needed or deserved a thank you from them. It was just something that needed doing and I was apparently willing to do it. And it was an incredible amount of work!! It took me months and months to do it.</p>
<p>But if I hadn’t done it, one of them would have, and they would have gotten it done just as I did.</p>