<p>Bay–great you would do the work and not expect a thank you but you should have gotten one all the same. I’m sure you would have thanked your siblings if they had done the work even though you would have done it yourself.<br>
My sister is the one who is on call for my parents because she lives closer and believe me I thank her constantly!
That being said, life is way too short and family too precious to hold onto grudges no matter how well warranted.</p>
<p>The #1 thing that my far away (and not so far away, but no help) siblings can do to help me be my parents’ primary caretaker is to listen and be supportive on the phone, to let me complain and whine and to understand.</p>
<p>That helps me keep my sanity.</p>
<p>OP, could you clarify the situation? Who is the executor, or are there co-executors? If the brother who wants to waive his fee is the sole executor, then there normally wouldn’t be any way to compensate anybody differently from what the will provides. He probably should have taken his fee, and then given some of that money to whoever he wanted to.</p>
<p>When my father was very ill, I dropped everything, including my temporary job–which I really needed–to go down and stay with them to help my mother care for him. He was hospitalized briefly, then came home to hospice care provided by my mother and I. My sib, who has millions of $$ and no job, chose not to come. She chose not to fly in when he was dying, because her kids and their families were visiting her. It was her choice. Instead she confined herself to calling us and “advising” us on how to care for him. (My mother is an RN, BTW. She knew what to do!)</p>
<p>I did everything regarding my mothers affairs: I helped her organize her finances, I set up automatic payments to make things easier, I reconfigured some of her utilities to save money, I took care of probating my father’s estate, and so forth. My H did–and does–my mother’s taxes. My sib’s spouse is an attorney specializing in trusts and estates. No matter what I do, my sib resents it and says her H could have done it. But the VERY few things we’ve asked them to do, I’ve ended up having to take care of, including legal forms such as POAs and wills.</p>
<p>My sib’s contribution has been to browbeat my mother into rejecting an offer for her FL condo that was more than she eventually was able to sell it for, not counting the substantial carrying costs in the meantime. You see, my sib wanted to use the place. Her other contribution was to browbeat my mother into purchasing an SUV when she would have preferred a smaller car. You see, she wanted to have it available for her use when she was visiting.</p>
<p>My sib had a literal tantrum when my mother sold the condo she couldn’t use any more. She really went nuts because the people wanted it furnished and she wanted some of the furniture.</p>
<p>Everything I do, she resents. But she won’t step up to do it herself.</p>
<p>Recently, my mother made a new will which, like the old on, splits everything between the two of us. But this one has both of us as executors. My sib and the BIL were executors on the old one, which was quite out of date. My mother knows that I can be counted upon to distribute things fairly. I told her that frankly, I thought that if my sib was the sole executor she would give her Ds everything of value on the grounds that my S–a mere boy, she actually made a face when I was pregnant with him and I told her he was male–didn’t need anything because of his gender, and anything I got would eventually go to him. (There is a lot of valuable antique furniture and so forth in the house.) I’m sure that I will end up doing everything, but at least she will not be able to ride roughshod over me.</p>
<p>Sorry, I’m just venting, I guess.</p>
<p>Anyway, taking care of my father was a priceless gift. Helping my mother with her affairs has brought us much closer together, which is also a priceless gift. You have to do these things for their own reward. That’s all there is to it.</p>
<p>My understanding was that all this began with the executor asking for input. Not OP asking for gratitude or repayment.</p>
<p>Sadly, it’s not unusual for the sibling who does nothing to think the sibling who does everything is just trying to get more.</p>
<p>lookingforward, thank you for understanding and expressing better than I did what the issue was/is. Neither of us wanted/needed compensation and/or thanks for anything we have done. But when we heard from the other siblings that we didn’t DESERVE anything kind of stunned me.</p>
<p>I expanded on the gratitude/thank-you issue, because OP said this in #18.</p>
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<p>If OP is not looking for compensation or gratitude, then I don’t understand what his unmet expectations are. </p>
<p>OP it sounds like you are saying that although you do not want to be compensated or thanked for what you did, you want your siblings to say that you and your brother deserve to be compensated, even if they don’t want to compensate you. Is that right?</p>
<p>Let it go, let it go, let it go. But now you know exactly how your siblings react to things like this, and how other can react when you are facing other situations. You never know for sure until something like this happens.</p>
<p>My friend found herself in a similar situation when her mother passed away. Her siblings wanted their share of the inheritance NOW, and didn’t want a quarter given to the one sister who lived nearby and cared for the mom that last year, and spent quite a bit of her own money in that care. She asked for a few things to be repaid that she just spent out of her pocket for convenience sake as there was a lot going on, and they did not want to even split that tab, which was relatively small, and the expenses clearly incurred as that sister explained. My friend was appalled and like you, is having trouble dealing with her siblings about this. </p>
<p>I have friends who have seen their beloved children act ungraciously as well in such circumstances which has had them make some changes in their wills. My one friend can’t even talk about how her children acted when their father (divorce situation) passed away and the estate had to be split. She is very disappointed in her children and hurts terribly. </p>
<p>It is, unfortunately typical. So when you draw up your will make sure your stipulations are clear and don’t assume anyone is going to do “the right thing” when it isn’t required by law.</p>
<p>I think sibling feelings in these situations are so surpassingly complicated, it’s almost impossible to talk about what we really want. We want, half the time, something from our teens and twenties. We want our parents back. We are in the stages of grieving. </p>
<p>It’s a lot of stuff in our parents death. </p>
<p>I hope you will keep a journal. </p>
<p>Again, I’m sorry for your loss, and for everyone’s loss on this thread.</p>
<p>I agree that sibling/family relationships are extremely complicated and tons of past feelings boil to the surface when parents die. Don’t forget that some siblings may feel that they were treated poorly by their parents (and they quite possibly may have!) or were less favored, etc., and that may be what drives their lack of involvement and reactions. It is impossible to ever know what is really going on, so cpt is right, you just have to let it go and move on.</p>
<p>There are so many variable in these situation, family dynamics, pressuring spouses, crushing need, and plain old greed. I am so sorry your family is not concentrating on maintaining good relationships, but perhaps it is a sign that the respect and love was not as strong as you had felt and perceived. You are fortunate to have two brothers who are good and generous human beings. Embrace them, and distance yourself from the others. It is doubtless that any good can come of further involvement, you will always know who they really are.</p>
<p>My mother is handing three grandparent estates currently. All I can say is that her experiences have given her a sufficient exposure to how these interfamily things work that she has an appointment this week to redo her own trust. She wants to be very specific as to her wishes.</p>
<p>We’re having an issue here. Widowed mom, 2 sibs live in town, 2 of us live far away. I chose to live away for very specific reasons many years ago. One sib in town way over caters to mom’s every whim. Mom chooses to stay in a home that is completely unsuitable for her, which includes 4 flights of stairs. She’s stubborn, negative and doesn’t do anything to help herself and won’t allow hired help in the home and won’t consider assisted living. I hardly even want to help. And I know the other one in town feels the same way. So no, I’m not going to drop everything to take a turn keeping her company once a month because she makes no friends, wouldn’t put herself out there to volunteer and keep herself occupied. She has no hobbies beyond doctors appointments and complaining. I hate that I sound like this, it isn’t like I don’t love her, but I find her very difficult to be around. But my one sib puts up with this awful behavior then every once in awhile erupts because the rest of us don’t do as much. </p>
<p>Sib wants the house cleaned out of 30 years of stuff so if mom actually decides to move or is forced into it it’s not such a big job. And she quits from time to time wanting to be in her role. Mom goes to the hospital because she isn’t compliant with medication and rehabbing. I don’t feel like getting an iv requires someone sit in the hospital 24 hours with her. </p>
<p>I do thank my sis, but I also tell her she does more than I feel really necessary and to not blame us because she gets irritated talking to mom daily and going to her house or having her over many times per week. </p>
<p>I don’t want this resentment my sis has because the rest of us aren’t so involved to impact our relationship down the road. She knows my feelings and she gets I have a different relationship because I’m significantly younger than the rest. </p>
<p>I just wanted to give you a perspective from the sib that doesn’t do as much.</p>
<p>I simply do not agree, lorelei, about distancing yourself from siblings you perceive to be less generous than others. Feelings are complicated. And sometimes (no matter how close) you just will never have the whole story.
I agree more with Bay–family dynamics and their perceptions do not always match our own. So give everybody a pass and move on.</p>
<p>eyemamom–are you related to somemom who just needs an ear to unload on?</p>
<p>eyeandmom, I’m the nearby daughter of a difficult mom. I see your point completely and understand, but have mixed feelings. If your mother were pleasant, would you want to be around her? I guess I just feel that there are certain things that have to be done no matter what and the load should be shared if possible. My sister is not far away, but does absolutely nothing. Meanwhile, my niece lives across the country and provides assistance by being the one to schedule appointments or make phone calls for my mom (who is visually impaired). I don’t think anyone should agree with a parent’s choice that isn’t smart, but unless one is going to completely terminate the relationship, I don’t think a visit to an older/ailing parent at a regular interval is that much to ask for. Now that regular interval could be once a month or every two years, depending on circumstances, but I guess I think there is a respectful middle ground between doing absolutely nothing and being over-involved. And I am referring to my sister as the absolutely nothing, certainly not you.</p>
<p>Zoosermom–not all these cases are one-way–sometimes it’s the parent who spurns the help and not necessarily the sibling who doesn’t offer help. Then a niece or nephew steps in… I like to think of it as generation skipping angst…
“respectful middle grounds” goes both ways.</p>
<p>I can see the points on both sides. I have a totally different relationship with my parents than any of my siblings, they are all much older and we really had different parents. There was all the social turmoil of the 60s & many things were said that apparently cannot be unsaid. My nearby sibling does view herself as the black sheep, which is extreme, but on the other hand, neither sister nor mother can have a conversation without offending each other or hurting feelings over & over. They are different politically, emotionally, etc and have some heavy baggage.</p>
<p>I really got over it after a few months of her living with me, when I decided to own the fact that it is on me 24/7. Once I did that, I could accept whatever anyone had to offer as an added blessing. Anyone could have predicted 30 years ago that I would be the one responsible for the aging parents, so at least I was ready. I just get tired of never ever ever not having her in the house, never being home alone. And there are some wacky things she does which I just have to share with some one.</p>
<p>I would struggle if no one appreciated it, and yet that really doesn’t matter, as long as DH & Mom appreciate it;)</p>
<p>And another perspective: sometimes the parent does not ask for any help, but one sibling voluntarily takes the initiative to do all kinds of things for her and then gets upset when her siblings “do nothing.”</p>
<p>Sometimes also, one sibling can be very officious and controlling, taking command of a parent’s life and then “assigning” work to the siblings, which often does not go over well with the siblings. I’ve seen or experienced both of these scenarios.</p>