<p>To somemom’s point, this has always been my perspective on it: the work I do is for my mom or dad (who should be thanking me, honestly), not my siblings, and that is why I don’t expect them to thank me. Thanks from them would not be necessary unless we had had an agreement to divide up the work in advance and I was filling in for them.</p>
<p>I am going up this weekend to clean out the house. We are each taking a turn. I take care of the medical bills, eob’s, etc. I also call several times a week, not just everyday. I’m also the only person who listens to my sib who does so much for mom. But sis will kill herself to try and make mom happy and then get so overwhelmed and burned out she calls me crying with frustration. So I am actually helping mom by helping the helper not lose her mind and validate her frustration. I’m also one of the only ones with a job. I can’t just drop everything. Maybe I’m venting as I look at it - lol But there are many times it’s not just laziness that keep other sibs from jumping in and taking over. I have another sib less than a mile from mom who does nothing, but gets a pass from mom. This one doesn’t even join in the email discussions when discussing what to do, finances, taxes, moving, doctors visits, etc. I get that too, I get why my other sib is so mad, I get why the main caregiver freaks out, I do what I can do.</p>
<p>I would never let or want anything awful happen, and in a real crisis, I’m there. But I can’t say I don’t understand why other sibs sometimes seem a little more distant.</p>
<p>Bay… though that sound ridiculous, that’s pretty much it. Neither of us expected or wanted anything, but when faced with responding to our request, I for some compensation for my brother, he for some compensation for my vet bills, the siblings response was to say: He doesn’t deserve anything because no one asked him to do the things he did…if he didn’t do them, who was going to do them? At that point don’t you think a good response would have been "we are very appreciative of what brother has done, but don’t think any other compensation is necessary… in my case they said “she wanted the dog, so he’s her responsibility”, the dog was left for me so I did my best to honor my fathers wishes and kept the dog…again, do you think an appropriate response could have been, we’re so glad that the dog is being taken care of and loved, but we don’t think think a financial award is necessary. No, I can’t place blame on them for not responding how I might have, but I can be shocked and hurt at their complete and total dismissal of reality. </p>
<p>Kind of like when you don’t really want to go to that party, but when you don’t get invited, it stings a little.</p>
<p>Yup^. But, as you can see, (and same in the" Parents Caring For" thread,) caring for our elders, their pets or their things can lead to complications. Thanks for taking care of the pooch and to your brother for keeping up the house. We shouldn’t be ragging on you for needing a chance to vent.<br>
:)</p>
<p>OP - I agree with those who say to let it go. Reasonable requests were rejected. As Hunt points out, that happens … a lot. One of my friends hasn’t spoken to his sister since their father died. She wanted nothing to do with settling the father’s estate (even though she was named Co-Executor), so my friend reluctantly agreed to do it himself. His reward? His sister accused him of looting the estate. </p>
<p>You did what you felt was right. You helped. Don’t let petty complaints ruin that for you.</p>
<p>As lookingforward intimated, no good deed goes unpunished when it comes to sibling rivalry. I wonder what Mother Nature was thinking when she set it up this way?</p>
<p>Well… I am going to take another view here. Your executor generously chose to forego his fee. And it is generous, IMHO, having done the executor job myself. He was in no way obligated to do so. You other siblings are also in no way obligated to provide any additional money to any of you, especially for services you provided for your parents that they KNEW you were performing. Your dad could have changed his will – could have left something extra to the kid(s) who did more for him. He chose not to. So the will is being executed as he planned it. I actually don’t think they are unreasonable. I also can see how they might suspect that you colluded and planned to ask for compensation for each other. While that is not what happened, I can see why they could suspect that is the case.</p>
<p>Sometimes siblings do choose to provide more for one than the will did, though. My aunt died recently. She had lived in a home with one of her four kids (a son). He and his wife (who also have 2 little ones) cared for her through the last 10 years of her life with Alzheimer’s, diapers, etc. in this house. The house technically belonged to her. The other 3 sibs talked after she died, and agreed to just give the sib who cared for their mom for 10 years the house. No one wanted to turn him out of his home (while he is an incredibly kind and gentle soul, he has a very low paying job and his wife has gone back to college recently). So (1) he and his wife did yeoman’s duty for 10 years for a parent with Alzheimer’s in their home, and (2) he had a very strong financial need compared to the other siblings. But I don’t think most cases are nearly that clear cut.</p>
<p>And…I hope you and your sibling didn’t do what you did for the money. I am caring for my brother’s black lab – he died 8 years ago, and I took in his dog because no one else in the family could, and the dog was special to my niece (who couldn’t take him). She is nearing the end of her life now, and I have paid thousands over the years in vet bills, food costs, etc. I probably would not have a dog if this had not happened. But I couldn’t even imagine taking extra money from the estate for this, unless it had been specifically left for that purpose. I did it because it was the right thing to do for our family and his pet. Not for money…</p>
<p>Inparent: I thought I made it perfectly clear the brother or myself didn’t expect/want/ask for any money…and no there was no collusion, just a sincere response to a question that was asked. </p>
<p>At this point, I wish I never posted anything here.<br>
Thanks to those of you who understood my hurt.
To those of you who think I needed to be set straight, or have my motives questioned…well, some things are better left unsaid.</p>
<p>AI- try not to take the comments personally. When posting on an anonymous message board you are going to get responses from varying points of view, people who have experienced each side of the situation with assorted other influences. There could be a situation which caused your siblings to be 100% correct (not saying this is that situation, just that there could be one) and once the hypothetical (to all the readers) post is written, people begin to examine it in that way, hypothetical. No knowledge of your full context and details, but complete knowledge of context as to how it might have happened in their lives.</p>
<p>So, try not to feel criticized, rather educated as to how it could have unfolded for other people.</p>
<p>You are not going to have everyone agree with you or sympathize with you because everyone is coming from a difference place. It is hurtful when people take it for granted for what you do. </p>
<p>
I know my mother is going to leave her estate equally to all of us because she doesn’t want us to feel she loves one of us more than others. I think a lot of parents do intentionally not leave extra for any kid for that very reason.</p>
<p>I think if I want to reward my helper kid over the others, I would leave the will the same, but give something extra to the helper whilst alive.</p>
<p>The problem with that is that some seniors really only have the equity in their home to pass down. Another issue is a depression era frugality is ingrained. My sister flew to our area to take care of my mother when I had to go out of town. She took Mom to several appointments and my mother split the gas and groceries with her! Um, Mom, the gas is to go to your doctor, pay it all. It seems only fair, but Mom doesn’t think that way. If I pointed it out, she would understand, but she just never thinks of that on her own and many of her generation think that way.</p>
<p>Alwaysinterested, I am the designated kid for my dad and stepmother. For sure it’s not easy and it’s not fun and sometimes I get very upset when my brother is in town and turns out to be no help at all, just more work for me.</p>
<p>But I just couldn’t leave my dad helpless when he started to need help.</p>
<p>It is what it is. Almost every family has a very complicated jumble of guilt, resentment, and other strong, conflicting feelings that seem to rise to the surface in an instance like this. And I think commenters here, although they mean well, give responses that reflect what happened or is happening within their own very different families.</p>
<p>I can tell you what helped me: therapy.</p>
<p>I hope you feel better soon about this situation. Know that you are not alone, and that you did a good thing taking care of your mother’s dog and standing up for your brother.</p>
<p>For someone who didn’t expect or want the money, you sure seem insulted by not getting it. Sorry, but I think estates just bring out the worst behavior in people who somehow think they (or even someone else) is entitled to the money in a way other than what the deceased said in their will. If you want to be angry with someone, you probably should be mad at your dad – he didn’t (in life or death) give you or your sibling a bigger financial amount for helping him more than your other siblings did. Maybe he figured his gratitude, your time spent with him, and feeling good yourself about helping was enough reward for you. But apparently it is not. Your executor is probably kicking himself now for offering the opportunity for anyone to essentially change the terms of the will – you could do HIM a favor by forgetting all about this, stop being “hurt”, and getting along with your siblings while you are all still around.</p>
<p>Well, I don’t care one whit about my siblings, or my parents.</p>
<p>I was raised by my grandmother and I helped raise my siblings and I’ve spent about as much time and energy as I will ever spend on any of them. But, I also wouldn’t take a dime from the estate, either.</p>
<p>I think people should let people feel the way they feel at the death of their parents. I think it’s okay to feel hurt, or taken advantage of, or whatever. I fully expect my own siblings could easily come on and complain about me here. I don’t care. I hope it would help them to feel understood. (I’m not going to do that.)</p>
<p>Listen, it’s fine to feel however you feel. It’s valid. There’s no “normal” way to feel about any of this. None. Life is messy. You do what you do because it’s right for you. None of us can have a clue what that might be.</p>
<p>AI, I do understand why you are hurting. When people I really like, care for, and I’m not even going to involve my family members whom I love, react in a way that I don’t think is right, it is upsetting. I’d be disappointed in my siblings too, with their attitudes. I can tell you that my kids have hurt me terribly with the way they have been with some things. How to alleviate this pain, I don’t know. I have some too, from different things. SO hugs to you. I still say let it go, but you know better now who you are dealing with when it comes to those siblings.</p>
<p>“I think people should let people feel the way they feel at the death of their parents. I think it’s okay to feel hurt, or taken advantage of, or whatever.”</p>
<p>That’s it, right there. I had a horrific experience with my mentally ill sister when I tried to care for my mother, who was suffering from dementia. I was accused of being a control freak, of wanting my mother’s money, and of wanting to abandon my mother in a nursing home. Well meaning onlookers suggested that my problems all came down to sibling rivalry, and that I should just let my sister’s abuse “roll off my back”. </p>
<p>My sister wound up committing suicide, leaving behind my mother,who was severely neglected. She wound up hospitalized due to dehydration and malnourishment, and I was finally able to use her funds to get a live in caregiver, which allowed her to spend her remaining days in her own home, which was always her wish. I also spent time bathing her, feeding her, and shopping for her and arranging doctor visits (We actually had a doctor who made house calls!) I did wind up inheriting what was left, as I was the only one left alive. Lucky me.</p>
<p>AI, I never read your post as wanting payment for your efforts. My impression was that you were hurt that your family devalued your contribution, as well as your brothers. That can be totally galling.You should be allowed to feel what you feel.</p>
<p>It helped me to join a support group for people with mentally ill family members. As poetgrl said, there is no normal. Life IS messy. Don’t feel pressured to have a relationship with people who, although they are technically family members, don’t care about you. Of course, that might not be your situation. If you feel you need therapy, go for it. You seem like a person who tried to to the right thing, and feel burned.</p>
<p>I don’t know why this thread sirs up so much emotion directed at OP. If you do something out of the goodness of your heart, find it good and meaningful, and DO NOT expect anything in return - can’t it still sting when close folks demean or devalue your efforts? And they aren’t nosy neighbors or the local gossips; they are siblings-?</p>
<p>And, aren’t some on this thread doing the same, in jumping on OP? Just think about it. Honestly, when one of my girls said to the other, “well you didn’t have to do that” or “well, you wanted to do it,” or “oh yeah, well I did blah and blah,” I asked her to rethink and find some way to show her sister some appreciation. A few words can go a long way.</p>
<p>
This is exactly what I took away from the OP. Sometimes it’s just nice to have someone say “I understand” even if they don’t share your experience or necessarily agree.</p>
<p>For me, the issue I have with my sister refusing to help is that she has something to say about everything. There is no decision or detail so small that she doesn’t have to make multiple phone calls to my brother and me to complain, but she never lifts a finger to help. My feeling is that if you don’t want to help, that’s perfectly fine and God bless you. But then you don’t get to interfere and make things more difficult. And the thing is that my sister is not estranged from my mother. She is the one who calls mom multiple times a day and sounds the alarm every time mom doesn’t answer the phone immediately. My brother feels comfortable with the arrangements we have made, as do I, and my husband works in my mother’s neighborhood and stops by most days as does my daughter on her way home from work. It would be so much better for everyone if my sister actually did butt out.</p>
<p>OP was perplexed by the reactions of his siblings, so people on this thread offered different perspectives on why his siblings reacted the way they did. A simple explanation would have been that all of OPs sibling are selfish and thoughtless other than his one brother. If I were OP, I’d rather hear other viable and less disheartening explanations that may not have occurred to me, rather than live the rest of my life with siblings that everyone agreed were selfish and thoughtless. Maybe OP and others would rather not have heard those other perspectives? I don’t know why not.</p>
<p>I think the OP was happy to hear other perspectives, but some of the perspectives twisted the situation to make it exactly what it was not. I completely understand how one could be hurt and sad about something and have it not be about money.</p>
<p>When my grandfather died he left a huge estate. He left half to each of two grandchildren, and zero to the other two. Nothing to his only child, my mother. Mother was financially secure and didn’t care a bit. But it broke her heart that her father had taken that last shot at her and split her kids down the middle. It was not about the money for her. It was about the last insult from a life-long abuser that she could never address with him.</p>
<p>I believe the OP that the hurt feelings weren’t about money, I really do.</p>