<p>Nothing we can speculate replaces that OP felt stung by the response he/she did get. Some posters just need an “I understand, that stinks” somewhere in the responses. As in life. Sometimes (not always, of course,) I hate to see a poster who feels a little kicked, get it again.</p>
<p>^ Me too. AlwaysInterested, ya done good. Be proud of yourself. As the old saying goes “detraham te ne bastardi.” (As in “Don’t let the …”)</p>
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<p>^^^^I agree.</p>
<p>The OP may well have the proper take on her siblings. That doesn’t mean this needs to become a huge breach or that she can’t eventually let it roll off her shoulders. She doesn’t need to be told her feelings aren’t based in reality or are not valid in order to help her process it and move on. She may well be absolutely correct in interpreting the behavior as ungrateful, mean spirited, or what have you. She can just as easily decide that everyone (including herself) is capable of behaving badly from time to time and decide to focus on the positives of her relationships moving forward. We can all speculate on where her siblings were coming from, but the OP knows them well while none of us do. </p>
<p>One can sympathize with the OP without fanning any flames. It’s not necessary to criticize her in order to help her shake it off and move forward.</p>
<p>I agree that some people have chosen to be nasty to a poster who did not deserve it. Frankly, it was shocking to read posts that said things like “If you didn’t care about the money you seem awfully offended not to have gotten any,” or words to that effect. Whoa.
OP, please accept a virtual hug from the rest of us. I hope this does not become a permanent barrier to a good relationship with your siblings.</p>
<p>I know that this really isn’t about the money for the OP, but on another note, couldn’t the executor just decide to compensate them for expenses, just as he would settle any other outstanding bills?</p>
<p>This thread is like a Rorschach test. :)</p>
<p>Good luck OP. </p>
<p>Time heals all wounds, as they say, though grieving is a necessary part of letting go.</p>
<p>I think there was a lot of sympathy offered on this thread. Do some think differently?</p>
<p>My sister was jerk to me after my dad died (about a year ago). The rift has not been healed. Having people confirm to me that she was a jerk to me doesn’t help me heal the rift.</p>
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There was a lot of sympathy, but the posts that implied she really was in it for the money weren’t very nice.</p>
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That.</p>
<p>In defense of the poster who made that statement, from other threads I know s/he served as executor in a very complex estate. S/he may have reacted a little to defensively to OP’s statement that none of her siblings (presumably including executor bro) did anything helpful. Executors do have a responsibility to ensure that the estate is wrapped up, including tax returns, etc., things that OP may not be aware of. On the other hand, maybe she is aware and is correct that even her exec bro did nothing yet.</p>
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<p>It sounds like the brother who was the executor declined to take any compensation for his work. As those of you who have done that job know, that’s a lot of work, and a significant “gift” to the other beneficiaries. Maybe he thought he was setting an example for the others, or maybe he knew that in this family, expecting to be compensated for “family help” kinds of work would not go over well. So when the two siblings who took care of the dog and the cabin recommended each other for compensation, what happened? The executor may have felt his generosity was overlooked, or that his example failed to inspire similar behavior. And the siblings that didn’t help or feel the need to help weren’t suddenly moved to gratitude. </p>
<p>The OP did ask for advice and words of wisdom. No one’s advice said “talk to your siblings, tell them how much they have hurt you, keep explaining what you and caretaker brother did until they all recognize your sacrifice and thank you.” Most of the advice was to let it go, which I took as a helpful reminder to not expect your siblings to suddenly start acting any differently from how they have always acted. Most hurt seems to be caused by unmet expectations, so you can protect yourself from hurt by not fostering unrealizable expectations. </p>
<p>Maybe that advice would have been better received if it had always without exception been preceded with an affirmation that OP had indeed done work that should have been praised and appreciated, and that it was rude and selfish of the siblings not to acknowledge that, but then that’s often not the way strangers on the internet communicate, even empathetic and well-intentioned strangers.</p>
<p>I find much of the advice on the caring for aging parents thread to be along the lines of “do what you feel you can and must do, let your knowledge that you’ve done your best be its own reward, and don’t expect anyone (including those you are caring for) to thank you.” That’s actually helpful to me.</p>
<p>From the OP’s original post, I understood that the older brother/executor, gave up his fee because he realized that the majority of the maintenance and effort had been done by others (probably the OP and the younger brother). Sorry I can’t copy and paste here, but it was clear to me that it hadn’t been a burdensome job to him at all.</p>
<p>I also took away from the OP’s post that they didn’t want compensation but would have liked their contributions recognized. I don’t really think that was too much to ask for. And OP- good for you for taking care of the dog. Not everyone would step up and bring an animal into their home. Your folks would be pleased.</p>
<p>Okay, I am a poster who also “took the dog” (literally) in a similar situation, as I said before. I am out many thousands of dollars if I think about it that way, and really didn’t want a pet (that I have now had and faithfully taken care of for eight years). I just can’t imagine expecting extra money from the estate for this, though. It is an act of love for the person who passed away. I could not care less if other people involved in the estate do or don’t think I should be reimbursed for it, wouldn’t dream of asking for money for it, and wouldn’t much care either way if the other heirs decided to reimburse me for it. Might take it if they did, but would not be hurt if it was discussed and they decided not to. Sorry, to me the OP sounds like the selfish one. I know you guys are going to jump on me for it – but I think her hurt has everything to do with other issues with her siblings and missing her dad, and she is latching onto this as a proxy issue and blaming her siblings for this one action because she feels so bad. And I also believe that her blowing this issue out of proportion probably is making her executor sibling feel worse – which she should not do, as he is someone who acted selflessly and graciously as far as I can tell.</p>
<p>I don’t believe she has said (can’t scroll all the way back up while posting), but how has the other sibling who did not get reimbursed taking this? Is he mad at the siblings who said no? Or is this just the OP’s beef?</p>
<p>intparent, you are making a lot of assumptions here. First of all, what make you think OP has said anything to her siblings about this issue? For all we know, she is just venting here. She said she felt hurt by her siblings’ attitude, but she didn’t say she challenged her siblings. I also don’t agree with your assessment that the executor sibling acted selflessly. He gave up his pay as the executor because he didn’t do anything, he didn’t do what his parents wanted him to do. It appears that OP and her other brother took care of their father’s affairs. So shame on the executor. You are also making a lot of assumptions and projections about OP and her siblings’ feelings. As others have said, only OP knows her siblings. As we don’t have other siblings posting here, we’ll just have to take OP’s word for it, instead of twisting her words and assuming a lot of things we know nothing about.</p>
<p>“Didn’t do anything” is relative as an executor. There are plenty of actions ONLY the executor can take for an estate. He may not have physically cleaned out the house because he was not local to the area, but you can be sure he spent plenty of hours balancing bank accounts, on the phone regarding financial issues, providing documentation as needed, paying final bills, making sure various tax returns were filed, etc. The other siblings CANNOT take care of those responsibilities if they are not legally the personal representative of the estate (term that is now used most places instead of “executor”). I think the OP is the one who may be making assumptions – the personal rep may have (kindly) said he would not take his fee, but he was probably underplaying the work he actually did. The OP may not recognize that he also did quite a bit and did not take a fee – and he also does not seem to feel bad about it. You all are also making a lot of assumptions – that the OP is all goodness and her siblings who didn’t approve changing the distribution of estate assets are the bad guys. Her other two sibs who would have room to beef (the brother who did a lot and the personal rep) don’t seem to have an issue from what she has said so far. In my mind, this makes her take on it a bit suspect, and makes it seem like maybe the other two sibs aren’t that badly behaved.</p>
<p>intparent - you don’t know and we don’t know, so why would you make a point of saying OP is selfish? OP said in her first post that she was heart broken and looking for some wisdom, and you felt it was necessary to kick her again. Nice.</p>
<p>Maybe because everyone out here is taking the OP’s post at face value when they have never been a personal representative and watched the squabbling of heirs over money that isn’t legally theirs. Or dealt with the drama of family members who blow perceived slights from other heirs into huge problems (when in fact the root of the problems is in with the deceased and their decisions on the will, or previous problems between the heirs that get blamed on the estate). Nor have most of the posters here taken in a pet from a deceased family member and raised it without even considering whether the estate “owes” compensation for it. You don’t know, either.</p>
<p>Well, really, in the end, the “root” of the problem is all the unresolved feelings and the grieving, in my opinion.</p>
<p>So, things get all mixed up. We’re hurt because our parents are dead, or our grandmother in my case. We think it’s because of other people. Or we feel as if they didn’t show up enough. Or we wanted something else.</p>
<p>Etc…</p>
<p>In the end, though, I think it’s the grieving that makes it messy and not the money, which is just symbolic and something concrete to talk about when the other stuff is the hard stuff, maybe too hard to even understand, at that point.</p>
<p>When somebody tells me they are hurt about not being left this or that, I tend to believe they really are just hurt at the cruelty of life and time and what it does to our relationships and those we love.</p>
<p>I don’t know either, but I am not calling her names and thinking the worst of her either. FYI - my mother is the executor for my father’s will, but as she barely speaks English, guess who is doing the job and guess who is not getting paid for it? I am sorry your situation was so difficult, but there is no reason to take it out on OP.</p>
<p>intparent, I have done all of those things.</p>
<p>It really hurts me when loved ones do not react or do things that I would have expected and felt was the right thing to do, and when my input is ignored or dismissed. That they have the right to do these things, I acknowledge. bit I want more. But that doesn’t mean I get it. Though I understand that I can’t control a lot of what others do, how others think, or change their minds, it does hurt when my feelings and suggestions are irrelevant or just not important enough to be accommodated. </p>
<p>As for myself, I do bend, and serious consider what those I care about say, want, suggest. and will make accommodations on things if I can see they are important to them. </p>
<p>So I do sympathize with the OP and understand that she’s feeling hurt.</p>