Dad's Estate

Parent Cafe
101

<p>As I saw it: OP did not ask for money for him/herself. When it came up, didn’t want it. OP suggested other brother deserved appreciation. That one didn’t want money, either.</p>

<p>BUT OP did mind how negative other siblings were about what really stated with the executor not OP. Older brother…advised us that he had elected to forego his executor fee as he realizes that the majority of the running around/maintenance of Dad’s property have been done by those of us living where Dad owned property.</p>

<p>All sorts of things can be conjectured.</p>

102

<p>I happened to have attended a presentation on estate planning and asset protection the other evening given by attorneys and investment advisors. They kept repeating “you never really know someone until you share an inheritance with them”. They also commented that how sibs relate to each other is often influenced by the parents when they are alive. When the parents die, the relationship between sibs often changes.</p>

103

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<p>The OP never stated she expected extra money from the estate for this; in fact, she said she would have refused the compensation her brother requested on her behalf. I don’t know why you keep insisting the OP is asking for compensation when she never did.</p>

104

<p>Intparent, you need to get it through your head that the OP did NOT ask for money for herself. DID NOT. And even said that she wouldn’t take it. Since the executor ASKED the sibs if anyone should get something extra because they had done most of the work, she cited her brother. The executor evidently waived the fee because he KNEW that those on site had done most of the work.</p>

<p>This is not your case. </p>

<p>I did everything to settle my father’s estate without a lawyer. It was extremely simple in comparison to what you have dealt with, since everything went to my mother, but there were complications involving certain accounts and I did have to spend many hours dealing with banks and filling out forms. I was happy to do it and it never occurred to me to expect compensation. </p>

<p>It was not your case. Every case is not as complex as yours. For an estate to take 7 years to settle is highly unusual. I hear that you went through a lot, but I think you are taking YOUR frustrations out on the OP, who doesn’t deserve it.</p>

105

<p>Maybe because she listed the amount of money she was out in her original post. Also, there just feels like a little “you scratch my back and I will scratch yours” in the way this worked out that each of them asked for money for the other that I am sure rubs the other sibs the wrong way. She also used the term, “In my usual way…” that she voiced the opinion that her brother should get compensation. What does she mean by that? My interpretations are that either (1) she is patting herself on the back for thinking of someone else, which is really an annoying trait, or (2) she regularly speaks up for that particular sibling (in which case her other sibs may very well have rolled their eyes at what they see as a continuing pattern in their family over the years for those two siblings), or (3) that she is outspoken, which also could rub her sibs the wrong way and make them less likely to want to do her any favors.</p>

<p>We really have no idea of the dynamic between the siblings prior to this period of their life, and between the other sibs & parents over the course of their entire lives, nor do we know anything about the personal circumstances of the siblings who helped less. I can think of quite a few reasons why things may have worked out they way they did. The OP just seems like such a scorekeeper to me, whether it is over cost or actions taken while her parents were alive. If I were her, I would focus in on what her help meant to her parents – why does she even care so much what her siblings think or say about it? I am pretty sure every other person involved in this (parents and all other siblings) would probably tell a variation on this story that would reveal quite a bit about this family drama that isn’t obvious from the OP’s post.</p>

106

<p>Intparent I have done two estates as a family member and one of my first jobs in a law firm was an estate administrator. I have no idea why you have a problem taking someone’s word for their own feelings.</p>

107

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That may very well be true, but the OP muddied the waters by bringing it up in a discussion about money. They were talking about the estate at the time, and about compensation. She didn’t ask for acknowledgement or recognition for her brother; she asked for compensation. And her brother asked for compensation for her. And so her siblings reacted by talking about money.</p>

<p>There are other times and places that the issue of acknowledgement could have been raised (the wake, the funeral, Thanksgiving, any time they’re talking about Dad). Not while everyone was focused on money and the estate. That brings it back (at least likely in the siblings’ minds) to money.</p>

108

<p>Maybe the siblings should have reacted by thinking about how much their inheritance would have been reduced if someone had been HIRED to do this work and if the dog had been kenneled. Or maybe their preference would have been that the dog be executed to save them the $200 each his care cost. :rolleyes:</p>

<p>Many decades ago my family had neighbors who were an elderly man and one of his sons. The elderly man was able to remain in his tiny house only because his son took care of him, installed plumbing in the house, etc. When he died–without a will, alas–the son came home to find a realtor’s sign in his yard. His sibs sold the house out from under him. It wasn’t worth much, especially after being split among 6 or 7 siblings, and they would have gotten nothing at all if it weren’t for their brother. But they were happy to put him out on the street after all those years. When he spoke to one of them about it, he said that he had already bought a new car with the expected inheritance. (This was circa 1960, so we are talking a couple thousand dollars, max. The house was probably a teardown.) I don’t think any of them really needed the money. I would hope that is such circumstances people would be a little more generous.</p>

<p>I always think of the passage in Sense and Sensibility in which the brother and his wife convince themselves that the father didn’t mean what he obviously meant when he asked his son to take care of his half sisters and widow.</p>

109

<p>I think we all react to situations with our own history. I am very sympathetic to the OP because I can relate. I don’t (and don’t think OP does) want any compensation because I do almost all the caretaking, but I do wish my brother and his wife would acknowledge my efforts. I am kind and helpful to my mom because I want to be and I will be so no matter what, but my actions absolutely save them time, effort, and money (no need to pay a service to so what I do). I have several close friends who had sibling relationships crumble over estate issues. Some of these people had very healthy and close relationships before the estate issues. It’s very sad.</p>

110

<p>Not having one’s contributions in life acknowledged is very common, (as is the hurt), which is why it is better to take a new perspective on it (i.e., that it is a reflection on the other person, not you), rather than dwell on it. </p>

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<p>[Why</a> People Don’t Acknowledge You | Psychology Today](<a href=“http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201301/why-people-dont-acknowledge-you]Why”>Why People Don't Acknowledge You | Psychology Today)</p>

111

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<p>The older brother brought up MONEY in his letter to his siblings about the estate. He ASKED FOR and RECEIVED comments about this issue!</p>

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<p>Emphasis is mine.</p>

112

<p>Hard as it is, it’s better to make and remake peace with siblings IMO, because they too are mortal. If you think the family feels fractured right now, wait until one of the sibs hits the end (my family situation right now). At that point, you’ll be glad if you managed to forgive those sibs who disappointed you. </p>

<p>I have two brothers-in-law who rifted. Both are stubborn as the day is long, yet one has been trying to apologize, the other won’t budge. Thing is, it’s not just their conflict. Their rift makes everyone else feel miserable, impacting family gatherings, souring relations into the next generation, and so forth. </p>

<p>In a better story, my own brothers and I pledged not to hold each other at fault over our differing capabilities/geographies/finances relative to our parents’ aging. I could have easily taken issue with one of my brothers over the years, but didn’t. And now I’m glad I didn’t pick it apart, because that same brother has received a fatal diagnosis. My younger brother and I are able to care for him without the baggage of a big leftover fight about our parents.</p>

<p>Sibs can disappoint, but I think it’s worth a mighty effort to forgive them. Not easy, I know.</p>

113

<p>p3t-
That’s great advice… if all the sibs are willing to do so. In some cases one sib may be really toxic, and attempting to work through it, be conciliatory, make sacrifices, extend kind gestures, etc. to try to “make peace”, only to be met with hateful dysfunctional, illogical or irrational garbage, is not good for ones physical or mental health. Sometimes one has to accept that they did all the could, but , as sad as it is, they just have to accept that it is the way it is. You cant change them- only how your respond to them.</p>

114

<p>I decided to walk away after a decade long situation in the “family” became too much. </p>

<p>Someone said “life’s too short”</p>

<p>I completely misunderstood their meaning and thought “it’s way too short to spend any more of my time in this”</p>

<p>Turns out I was right. Never been happier than since I just let them go. In the true sense of the word. </p>

<p>So reconcile or do not. Life is too short to be miserable.</p>

115

<p>We must have the same relatives, poetgrl. I will probably continue to send him invitations to important events, because its the right thing to do. But thats probably about it.</p>

116

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<p>He may have meant request for specific items in the distribution (“Would it be possible for me to have Mom’s cedar chest as part of my share of the estate?”). Not sure he meant to entertain suggestions on redistribution in a way other than stated in the will.</p>

117

<p>I understand your point, jym and poetgirl. A family or family member can go so off the rails that the individual, especially a good hearted one, simply can’t continue trying to make peace any more, or risk losing their own mental health for trying so hard. There are limits!</p>

118

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<p>If you ask for questions or comments, you should be prepared for either. And really, so what if he didn’t anticipate their exact response? He asked for comments and by doing so opened up the subject for discussion.</p>

119

<p>Here’s a more positive experience in sharing an inheritance: DH and I had a pretty difficult relationship with his sister. She was the sibling who got the most attention, and whose life was fraught with drama. DH was the drudge of the family, who was always being called to mow the lawn, or fix something, or help SIL in a crisis. In the early years of our marriage, I really resented it, as SIL made fun of us for being so boring. SIL was, naturally, bad with money, and borrowed from my inlaws without repaying. We had a falling out about 20 years ago,which lasted a few months, and changed our relationship. DH finally stood up for himself at that time, which upset his mom, even though she understood. We patched things up, but renewed our relationship on a different level.</p>

<p>Because of her spending ways, both DH and I always assumed that when the time came, she would grab anything that wasn’t nailed down. I worried that because they were co-executors, it would be a huge struggle. Those stories of someone going into the house and taking all the jewelry,etc? We were anticipating that. And before you jump all over us, accusing us of being mercenary,please consider that we were just dreading an ugly display of greed. Even if you don’t want or need the money, you really don’t want to experience that.</p>

<p>Well, what happened was nothing like that. My FIL and MIL died within a year of each other, and the effect on SIL was dramatic. She and my husband really bonded, and cooperated over the sale of the home, and the distribution of other assets. My husband worked, unpaid, to renovate the home to prepare it for resale. Actual material costs came out of the estate. My MIL actually gave her jewelry away to family members (including my daughter) before she died. Sentimental items, like photos, went to SIL, with the understanding that she would copy and share the photos with us. She didn’t fight DH on decisions, and they discussed what should be done as a team. I think that it really hit her that her brother was the only one left in her immediate family, and that it was important to keep this relationship alive. The two of us have become closer, she has become softer, and I treasure our relationship. We’ve all been beaten up by life to some extent, and we can share memories and laughter now. We didn’t have a horrible relationship before (that was with my own sister) but we have a pretty great one now.</p>