<p>Throwing out a question here. My son has a friend whose mother is a widow. The boy (teen) is left alone alot because she’s out gallavanting around with various paramours. ( I sound 80 there, sorry, I’m only 50). Anyway, I was telling my sister about it and she said, “Do you expect her to check into a nunnery?” and I don’t, but at the same time, I feel sorry for him because he lost his father and she’s so…preoccupied. It doesn’t seem right to me. Then again, she must be lonely, understandably. What are your thoughts on this?</p>
<p>Many experts say it’s best to focus on childrearing during those years and save serious dating and re-marriage until after the kids leave. If the boy is a teen, that might not be too many years,and it would be a shame to neglect his needs while trying to fulfill one’s own. Another situation in which empathy is important.</p>
<p>my father died when I was 17- actually he died in a very tragic way and my mother abetted
Afterwards she behaved as you describe
I don’t know what you would be able to do about it, other than to model good parenting and provide a support for his friend
I think it might help to actively remind her, that here is someone who also has gone through a loss, and needs a parent</p>
<p>I wouldn’t be too quick to judge. What is the financial situation? The widow may well be under-employed and having trouble making ends meet. In which case doing a lot of “gallavanting” may be part of a deliberate and necessary strategy on the part of the mother to find a new husband and thus provide for herself and her son.</p>
<p>I can’t judge the woman. Presumably, she’s still grieving, and people who are grieving may act in ways very different than would people who aren’t grieving.</p>
<p>My suggestion is to do whatever you can to be a source of emotional support to the woman and her son.</p>
<p>I think Northstar is right. I would be very proactive here. Invite both mom & son over often for bar-b-ques, dinner, maybe go to the mall as a foursome & split up until time to return. Take up walking, tennis, whatever. She really might need a friend, because the world is so “coupled” and she might not feel comfortable in social settings. Tell her her son needs her & then provide avenues for interaction.</p>
<p>Is your H in the picture? If so, he could try to be a presence in the boy’s life.</p>
<p>I agree with the last couple posts. My dad died when I was 14, and life became very hard for my mom, both financially and socially. She did not date, not then and not since, and while that might have been easier for me at the time, I feel she had a very tough social life then. Many “friends” disappeared; as was noted, the couple world can be very hard on a single person. I think compassion towards both mom and son would help them both, and especially, as was noted, including them in social events.</p>
<p>I too agree with the last few posts.</p>
<p>My best friend for nearly 20 years father died when she was just an infant. Her mother never dated again, even when she left for college. My friend has told me that she wished her mother would have started dating again. Now that my friend is a grown college graduate planning her own wedding, her mother has still not started dating. It’s not because of her husband’s death or wanting to be able to focus attention on my friend, but probably because she’s been out of the dating game for over 25 years and doesn’t know how to get back in.</p>
<p>Especially if the parental death occurs early in the child’s life, I think it would be a severe disservice to never date again. Not only so the child can have a second parent, but also because after the child is grown, life can become very lonely.</p>
<p>garland, my dad died when we were teens, too. Mom never dated, but definitely it impacted us. Especially my brothers. My dad used to take the whole neighborhood down to the baseball diamond. All the father/son interaction my brothers missed was never replaced by other dads. I hope this kid has some compassionate families to step in.</p>
<p>The mother is widowed, not dead. Yes, she risks ignoring her son when he needs her but there is also the opposite of risk of using her single parenthood to avoid dating altogether. People who do that almost never get back to dating when the child is grown. </p>
<p>Think about it, if it was the father who was the surviving parent, would anyone really expect him not to date for several years. Women, we judge more harshly.</p>
<p>Is your son willing to be more of a friend to this kid, hang out a little more or could your family include him in some of your activiies? The mom and the son need to work things out for themselves but maybe you could give the kid a little support.</p>
<p>Dadguy, the OP said the teen is left alone alot. Doesn’t matter if it’s his dad or mom leaving him alone, it’s not a good situation. Dating is fine if it doesn’t impact the kids negatively.</p>
<p>Depends on how long this has been going on. If it’s just a recent thing, the mom may balance things out in the long run. Also depends on how long the kid’s alone at a time.</p>
<p>Child neglect is wrong but most teens can handle being home alone for a few hours at a time during the evening.</p>
<p>The top priority is taking care of the kids and that’s where the focus should be - especially in a rough situation where a kid’s parent dies. The boy is a teen and likely only has a few years left at home anyway before moving on. The teenage years can be very trying and it’s not the time for the mother to be out focusing on herself to the detriment of her child. She should be able to manage a few years without a boyfriend. If she’s even thinking of bringing a new husband into the picture at this point, it’s a mistake as it could be very disruptive to the family. Once the kids are off to college, she can start to focus more in her self-interests.</p>
<p>I agree with ucsd dad.
I realize tht everyone grieves in their own way- but she already has a responsiblity to her kids, they lost a dad- she can get another husband, but how many dads are they going to have?
LOts of support groups for parents who have lost their spouses- whether through death or divorce.
I don’t think that it would be out of line, to ask how you can help, and maybe give her some names of local resources if she does’nt seem able to do that.
I feel like there is a big difference between, socializing a bit more in order to connect with people, and to put it euphemistically “tomcatting” around.
She doesn’t want to damage her relationship with her son, and she doesn’t want to hook up with someone just because she has lost her spouse.
IMO anyway.</p>
<p>I think stickershock has some great ideas in reaching out to her. Sh emight be someone whose social circle was through her husband and now feels adrift.
In anycase, I think it is good that you are aware of his friends situation and that you care about him.
Kids can’t have too many adults that care.</p>
<p>Geez, can’t someone be sexually active and still be a parent? If she’s over-doing it to point of child abandonment that’s wrong, but some sense of balance is certainly doable.</p>
<p>There wouldn’t be many eyebrows raised if this were a father. Telling a man to wait a few years before going out is like asking the sun not to shine.</p>
<p>How rude, and how insulting. I don’t know which of this collection of posts is more disappointing. First, gossiping about a total stranger’s personal life to yet other strangers over the internet. Second, making unfortunate assumptions based on the statements of one young man. Third, categorizing and labeling this woman as “galavanting” and “tom catting”. Fourth, assuming that she is doing so in order to convert a male appendage into a guaranteed permanent mortgage payment, and, horrific beyond words, this might be “necessary” (???). Fifth, blanketly indicting her with child neglect. Sixth, “tell her her son needs her” (yes, please, do tell the woman what to do and how to interact with her son). Finally, positioning her as a creature to be pitied, and suggesting that she would be uncomfortable in a social setting with couples (gasp!!!). </p>
<p>And UCSA…Dad I couldn’t possibly disagree with your post more - a single parent’s responsibility is ALWAYS to themselves first - that means primary attention to spiritual, physical, intellectual and mental well being. How else to ensure competent execution of all the responsibilities that befall a single head of the household? </p>
<p>How does anyone here know the boy is neglected? How does anyone here know she isn’t off to support groups? Or perhaps on legitimate, traditional dates, perhaps even with the same man consistently? (Or woman, for that matter.) Or visiting with clergy, or financial advisors, or other professionals? Or that the young man hasn’t requested “space”, or that the two of them - mother and son - haven’t discussed and negotiated this extensively, and have a clear and satisfactory understanding? But even none of these “maybes” apply - let’s say she’s engaged in “tomcatting” with a different man every single night, what possible business is it of anyone else’s, especially total strangers? </p>
<p>DKE, if you have empirical evidence that this young man is being neglected, abused, mistreated, or otherwise at risk, bring it. Oh, and “being left alone a lot” doesn’t qualify, unless you can clearly define what that means, and that there is a result that is damaging to this young man in some clearly measurable way. </p>
<p>The lot of you are MUCH smarter than this. I am disappointed.</p>
<p>Seems like I touched a nerve with Lateto School! To answer a couple of questions here, the woman has been widowed about three years. She’s very well fixed financially. Fortunately, there is a Dad in the neighborhood who’s made sure that for father/son events he steps in which is great. The son isn’t being “abused” (over the top, latetoschool) but whenever I go to pick up my son from being over there its dinnertime and she’s “out”. I get this from my son who tells me the son complains that she’s always “out” and he’s home many evenings. Its not a Child Protective Services, issue, no. But it does give me pause, that’s all. It started me thinking about how I would be in that situation. Gossipping on the internet? Hardly.</p>
<p>Dke, that’s a slightly different version from your first post, where you posted exactly this: she’s “galavanting” with “various paramours”. Which in turn provoked a variation of posts that basically convicted her of being a whore and/or an abusive, neglecting mother desperate to lock down the requisite male appendage as her ONLY way to get the bills paid. </p>
<p>That, in my opinion, is very, very wrong. It’s actually a bit worse than gossipping. It’s off campus.</p>
<p>Well, she is gallavanting with various paramours. I don’t know what “off campus” means?</p>
<p>I think this discusssion is valuable
I doubt if any of us except for the OP have any idea of who this family is, and it might as well be a generic family who has lost a parent.</p>
<p>This situation might arise at any time for any of us, and I think by discussing ways to help and support a parent in this situation at the same time helping and supporting the children , before we have are involved ourselves, may help us prepare.</p>
<p>I realize that some are not comfortable offering advice, or would like to wait until it is asked for in this sort of situation.
But as someone who lost my father at a relatively young age, and as someone whose mother retreated from parenting even more than she had previously, I would have appreciated an adult, stepping in and making it known that they were aware of the situation.</p>
<p>We are obviously speculating about the motivation and details of this families life, and I agree that does feel somewhat gossipy.</p>
<p>BUt it strikes a chord with me, because for my family, the boy was what counted.While he was the middle child, he was the one who had the “extras”, my father was the only one who even made an attempt in connecting with me. When he died, we had family friends who got my brother involved in things, but they didn’t know what to say to my sister or I.
I coped by moving out when I was 17, but my brother and sister were still at home without an adult so to speak in the house.</p>
<p>Because my fathers death was sudden, we had little time to adjust to our new reality, and I at least, took at least 3 months, before it even seemed real.
It may be a great deal different if there is an illness.
You can have time to run to doctors, to try different things, to at least feel like you are doing what you can.
There might have been so much energy put into trying to help your partner either live, or say goodbye, that there isn’t much for yourself.</p>
<p>I have known several women whose husbands have died. One had a child jsut about 2, when mine was the same age, her husband had contracted a rare and lethal type of cancer and went fairly quickly.
I really felt uncomfortable, and while I wanted to reach out, it was scary, and so I didn’t . I only hope that not everyone behaved the same.
Another friend of mine was her husbands 2nd wife, he had already had grown children, and was about 25 years older than her. Still he took great care of himself, and was in good shape. I wasn’t much better helping out after his death either. She had always struck me as someone who was very together, and she wasn’t about to let the facade fall now if it was a facade.</p>
<p>I hope that next time, someone needs my help, I don’t wait to be asked, even if it is turned away.
It is up to the receipent to accept it or not, but it is a pretty empty feeling when others are waiting for the person in need to swallow their pride and ask for help.</p>
<p>to risk making this even longer- it does depend on your connection in the first place.
If there had previously been hardly any connection at all, it doesn’t feel appropriate to then try and be best friends.In fact it feels explotative and ghoulish.
Ya know I believe Miss Manners has probably addressed this topic- I wonder what she would say?</p>