<p>Someone mentionned if the shoe were on the other foot, and there’s a man we know whose wife died suddenly and tragically, leaving two young boys without a mom. He was probably the most eligible bachelor in town, but waited a few years before dating. People were surprised by that.</p>
<p>latetoschool
This is what I posted
and it was fairly clear- I thought ?
I feel like there is a big difference between, socializing a bit more in order to connect with people, and to put it euphemistically “tomcatting” around.
All I said was that there was a BIG DIFFERENCE between these points on the spectrum- I have no way of knowing where anyone falls on them- and everyone also has a different idea of what would constitute being a total recluse or a totally party animal.Martha Stewart might feel like a recluse if she only entertained one night a week, and I feel like I have done my entertaining for the month if I have the neighbors over for a barbeque.
I didn’t call this mother a whore at all- I did draw on my own experience of having a mother who " dated" 3 or 4 people at the same time after my father died, including one who was married.
She apparently did what she felt she needed to do, but I hope if I am ever in that situation that I behave differently</p>
<p>This is very interesting to me because I AM in this situation - albeit from a recent divorce (and not a death) with a teenage son at home. I’m very, very conflicted about dating when my son has only one more year at home. But part of me thinks why should I wait? Why do I have to put that part of my life on hold just because I have a kid living in my home? My ex sure doesn’t have to do that - that’s the advantage for him of moving out. But I am not sure how my son (and even my college daughter) will handle mom dating. I take my parenting very, very seriously but I am more than just a parent - and I want some adult, male interaction (and the mute, sullen 17 yr old son most definitely does not qualify, LOL). These are really, really murky waters that I’m swimming in - and I’ve never been here before so there are no easy answers or clear-cut directions.</p>
<p>There’s one radio psychologist I listen to who’s considered to be pretty liberal on things in general, and she says that dating’s OK but NOT to have any obvious sexuality in the house i.e. no sleepovers. Another one who’s more conservative says no dating until they’re out of the house, that the kids need to be the parent’s number one priority, especially after having gone through divorce or a parent’s death.</p>
<p>Fredo, the short answer might be that you have a responsibility to yourself FIRST, and, in my experience, children respect that, and even support and applaud that very valid priority. Being a parent is one component of personhood. There are many others, and the very best way to be a fantastic parent is to have a very rich, full, rewarding life, up to and including “gallavanting” with “various paramours”.</p>
<p>Socializing on an adult level doesn’t COMPETE with parenting. Such activities SUPPORT the parenting role, and enhance parenting skills.</p>
<p>What I think you DO have to be aware of - and find some way to either educate or ignore - is ignorance from those who think that single parenthood (however one arrives at it - death, divorce, etc.) is synonymous with desperation, poverty, child neglect, social ineptitude, etc., and that if you go on a date, even if it’s with a very nice man, even if you wait, say, ten years or so, there’s going to be at least one person out there who will gossip to others that you are “gallavanting”, and they might even create a thread on some internet site somewhere so that lots of other strangers can contribute their fair share of negative remarks about you as well.</p>
<p>I think divorce is a lot different
particulary when the kids are almost adults themselves.
My mother made the mistake of using my 15 year old brother who was still home as her “confidant”, I am sure you woulnt make that mistake.
KIds of course can be uncomfortable with any sign that their parents have a sex life, though, especially those in late adolescense, so I would tread carefully, and maybe be more circumspect than you would if they were out of the house, but I don’t think you have to give up a social life
I also realize that your son is old enough probably to be home on his own, , its too bad you can’t jsut show up at your exs with him and say " isnt this * your * weekend?"</p>
<p>late:</p>
<p>My response was based on the face of the OP’s post - I obviously don’t know the family. </p>
<p>I stick with my belief that it’s the ‘kids first’ - not the ‘self first’. If the interpretation of putting the single parent’s responsibility on themselves includes going to the extent of routinely not being home for dinner with the kids, being distracted from the kids and shifting focus away from them to spend time in a new relationship (or multiple relationships), and in bringing a new person into the mix that the kid has to contend with, then I think it’s wrong. Again, let them make sure they focus even more on the kids now that one parent has died. I consider this part of a commitment one makes when one has kids.</p>
<p>I wholeheartedly agree with UCSD…I thought that that “do your own thing” mentality went out with the 60’s., latetoschool. and I think you’re being 2x as judgemental over my OP than I am over the Merry Widow!</p>
<p>Dke, you initiated a thread about another individual’s presumed personal life, which may include sexual activity, and invited commentary from the members of an internet-based community. And when other members of this community posted negative commentary in response, including the one post that suggested perhaps she is doing this out of financial necessity, you didn’t even lift a finger to correct the misconception - only later do you finally tell us that she is financially secure. </p>
<p>Unless there’s something you haven’t shared so far, this woman did not ask for your help, input, advice, or instruction as to how to govern her personal life, when to have sex or where to have sex, or how to finish raising her son. </p>
<p>Your profile says 627 posts, and, I haven’t and won’t read any of the historical posts, but I would bet real money that any reasonably competent miscreant with a halfway decent text mining tool could drill rather efficiently through those posts and gather significant personal information about you - where you live and other details - and - if they really wanted to? Through your details, parsed out in various posts over time, they might even be able to find this woman, and this young man who you have broadcasted to all of us seems to be alone so much.</p>
<p>It isn’t the Fredos and Coreurs and Kluges and Calmoms and variations of Dads and Moms among us who trouble me - it’s the persons who may be lurking unseen, not registered on this site, not posting, not engaged in the community, but, lurking and reading none the less. How about using a little bit of caution before gossipping about strangers on the internet???</p>
<p>If you really want to have a thread that explores this topic, why not re-start it with a benign opening dialog, and use real, empirical data supported by credible sources, rather than target and invite attack and moral and societal judgement on a complete stranger who, far as I can see, hasn’t done anything at all to harm you, or anyone else?</p>
<p>Get off of your high horse, latetoschool. My OP was vague and no one would have the time or interest to delve into figuring out the one person in this country who I’m referring to. Honestly! As far as being late to the game regarding pointing out that she is financially well off, I posted it as soon as I read the posts which referred to it. I still think I touched on a major nerve with you. On the Parent Cafe, posters often refer to someone that they know who’s in a certain situation. You’re ridiculous.</p>
<p>Well perhaps we could elevate this to the general. In general, what is the best practice after losing a spouse to death? In general, what is the best practice after divorce?</p>
<p>When my parents divorced, my father moved his paramour:) into our house, my mom moved out into a new house, my father remodelled the house, my father then moved. Then he married the paramour. Who now is my quite beloved stepmother, more than 25 years later. But at the time it was not ideal.</p>
<p>My mother took about five years to remarry. And I wanted her to start “dating” ASAP, because I knew how sad and hurt she was. Now, I was 21 at this point, so perhaps more mature than a teenager LOL. But still, I would never have wanted my mother to put off finding happiness again. </p>
<p>So maybe another thread would be good. I am curious that people actually think someone who is widowed with teenagers should wait possibly years to see a man again. Seems weird, and I am not sure the kids benefit. Can someone explain?</p>
<p>And waiting years is different from “never being home”. I mean, even if someone didn’t date they could never be home. They could be very irresponsible and go play golf. I don’t think the two things are irretrievably linked.</p>
<p>True about the golf, Alumother, its just that the dating is at night when the boy is at home. It all comes back to HIM as far as I’m concerned. She obviously does what she feels like doing, but with a kid at home, alone…He’s a great kid, too. She’s lucky, because alot of kids that age left to their own devices could get into trouble.</p>
<p>I don’t get it. She’s never at home, but she has her “paramours” (what an old-fashioned word!) over at night? Which is which?</p>
<p>I’m with Latetoschool. We’ve been invited to pass judgment on a total stranger about whom we’ve been told only negative things. I vote we end this thread.</p>
<p>Seconded. 10 char.</p>
<p>No one asked you to pass judgement. I started a thread about dating after widowhood or divorce, prompted by my observations on someone in my neighborhood. For the last time, she leaves her son at home alot as she’s out dating. I didn’t say she was having men overnight, ever. I don’t know anything about that. End of thread.</p>
<p>I thought only men could be tom catting around. Women are just sleeping around.</p>
<p>well I don’t think leaving most teens alone would be a bad thing.
I have timed my trips to the gym for after dinner, since it gives my teen some space, cause she likes to be alone ( dad goes to bed at 7ish since he has to leave for work by 5, and he likes his beauty rest)
So that in itself, wouldn’t be cause for concern, unless the teen is depressed and needs a lot more support than most.</p>
<p>Fredo- this post is specifically aimed at you because my family just went through the sort of situation you are now in. I am the recently graduated(high school) daughter of parents who divorced when i was in 10th grade.
i know that i wanted my mom to start dating again because i saw how sad and hurt she was. i know that when you divorce, you not only lose your spouse, you also lose friends that feel uncomfortable or do not want to choose sides, and the invitations to couple-y things stop coming in.
i think it is cruel and unnecessary to make a parent wait until their kids leave the house to date, especially if those kids are older. My mom is now in a serious long-term relationship, and she spends time with him 2-4 times a week, sometimes at our house sometimes at his. my teenage bro and i are alone about 2 nights a week which is not a big deal. her bf is also a part of our life, and when they are over here we have family meals.
don’t wait, if you feel like you are ready to date then you should.</p>
<p>A similar experience occurred in my home while growning up. You have to be very careful not to assert YOUR value system into others. Any way you look at it it is your value system, you don’t know what this woman is experiencing, you do not know what it is like for her. </p>
<p>I think here it is the parent’s right to have her own life. If this is what she wants to do and this is what she is, then she needs to do it and no one can stop her from this behavior and you can only do harm by meanmouthing her or the situation. The child will develop in their own way and this behavior will not affect them unless abuse has occurred. It may be difficult for them but they will survive into their own person. with their own values.</p>
<p>From my own experience no 17, 18, 15 year old really want to be involved too much with their parent socially at this age anyway.This is a time for the young person to find their own way and make their own friends.It really does not matter too much what the mother/father is doing unless this threatens the child in some way like through abuse. It is amazing but kids even brought up in this backgrown can develop into upstanding, bright, intelligent individuals with successful futures. It is when the parent’s relationship advances into a live in or marriage arrangement that problems can develop. If this happens it is my feeling that the new parent best keep the kids at arm’s distance and not assert themselves too much into the child/teen’s life. Snooping, bossing, random comments all may be taken very badly by the teen. Anyway you look at it if the marriage is to succeed it is better the young adult move on or out. Just what I encountered.</p>
<p>Wow, latetoschool, this realy hit a nerve! Let’s look at dke’s post: She is concerned because 1) A teenage boy she cares about is left alone alot while the mother is out gallavanting. 2) She realizes the mom shouldn’t be sent to a nunnery. 3) The boy has lost his dad & the mom is preoccupied. 4) She acknowledges the lonliness the mom must feel.</p>
<p>I didn’t take this as overly critical. Just concern for the kid with a realization that the mom doesn’t have an easy situation. Posters like myself have had experience with a parent’s death during those important teenage years & wish only the best for the family. I don’t think it’s insulting at all to recognize that we live in a world set up for couples. A newly widowed woman, even the most assertive & confident one, can feel out of place or be excluded from social gatherings. It is simple kindness to realize this & extend invitations. Not pity. I know my mom appreciated these invitations.</p>
<p>I got the impression that the mom was neglecting the boy. I think in the boys’ best interest, dke could let her know that he needs his mom. While teens aren’t looking for extended social outings with their families, every kid would begin to feel lonely or ignored if mom is leaving him alone too much. That could have lasting emotional consequences.</p>
<p>I guess we will never agree that the parent should be meeting the kid’s needs first & foremost. That’s just how I see it. Dating can be low-keyed when kids are in the picture. They grow up awfully fast, and time is precious.</p>