<p>And BTW it’s gallivanting. Or galavanting. Can’t be gallavanting. If we are going to use odd words might as well do it correctly…</p>
<p>Well, each to his own interpretation. I took the OP as gossip.</p>
<p>I mean, if you want to help you offer a hand. Invite the boy over or with your son and hus. for a ball game or fishing or to work on cars. Just to say, well, what do YOU think of THIS? Is this RIGHT? Sounds petty and gossipy to me. …And that JUST my opinion!</p>
<p>gallivanting is a loaded word
And I admit I took my replies from that perspective
I also think that there is a huge difference when a wife is a widow and her child is on his way to college, than when they are significantly younger</p>
<p>We also really don’t know the circumstances or personality.
Itis easy to misinterpret
I can imagine, after the death of my spouse, to want to be busy, and possibly out someplace that I didn’t associate with him
I think that you need to have distance, space as well as time, before you can really process and grieve,
Whenever anything huge happens, I think a normal way we protect ourselves- at least in this culture, is by denial or at least not dealing with it, until we are good and ready. The bigger it is, the more some seem to numb themselves to it. Unfortunately, if you aren’t weepy and distraught, others may think you are “cold”, but IMO, it may actually be a sign that it is bringing up emotions too strong for you to handle, and so you shut them down until you have some perspective.</p>
<p>THis is different than in some other cultures where a widow might be very involved with the community, and a great deal of crying and catharsis happens- and then you wear black for the rest of your life and sit with all the other old ladies whose lives are “over”
hmm
Think I would rather be in a society where I act inappropriately for a few months- maybe some plastic surgery so I can forget that I am getting older too, some new clothes… Thank goodness pants arent 6 inches below the navel anymore :0</p>
<p>I guess it’s all relative, emerald. Either of those choices is better than being thrown on the funeral pyre.</p>
<p>No plastic surgery for me. If I attended to everything I need lifted, tucked, & smoothed out, I’d have not a penny left for the kids’ college funds!</p>
<p>sarah_mc: thanks! I always appreciate getting the point of view from the other side, which you provided. You sound very mature about the whole thing - and that may be part of the reason why your own mom felt like she could go out and date i.e. knowing that you saw what she was going through and needed. Good for you!</p>
<p>As the child of divorced & happily remarried parents, I’m chiming in.</p>
<p>There are good ways and bad ways to date as a parent. Bad ways:
*Introducing your kids to everyone you date and expecting them to call them “Uncle” or “Aunt” or “Mom” or “Dad.” Unless there is a ring and a marriage certificate, they aren’t family. Even then, “Mom” and “Dad” are only two people. The loss of one doesn’t open up a vacancy - those roles aren’t parking spaces. (I’ve always called my stepmom by her first name, which is how she introduced herself years ago at a large party. She only said that she was friends with my dad and waited until things were very serious to say something else. My stepdad is “D2” - dad2. Yes, this is a process not unlike naming grandparents.)
-Acting like you are back in college. Sure, you might not have dated since then, but you’re supposed to be all mature.<br>
-Doing things that you would not want your 16-year-old doing. ('nuff said.)
-Date anyone who is anything but enthusiastic about the fact that you had offspring. </p>
<p>Good ways:
-let your kid know that you are dating. I totally disagree with the advice to not date until the kid is grown. So what, you date when Jimmy goes off to college, but break off a promising romance when he takes a gap year or is home after graduation?? Kids NEED to see healthy relationships. They need to see parents who look after their own well-being. Parents are models for their kid’s future behaviour in many ways. Don’t teach the martyr thing unless you want your kid to be a psychological disaster.
-That said, be discreet. A few dates a week is acceptable - like Friday night and a night during the week. Be home at a reasonable hour. Old-fashioned yes, but you are still a parent. If the romance is more than a few nights a week, you might want to consider that it’s either a) moving too fast or b) serious enough for an introduction.
-Have relatives & friends spend time with your kid when you are out on dates. Ditching the kid at home is a poor idea. Going out while he’s at basketball practice is fine. Make a large, stable “family” for your kid.<br>
-Explain to your kid what you are looking for from dating. Meeting people? Slow recovery from a painful process? Long-term partner? Partner with whom to have more kids? What if the boyfriend/girlfriend also has kids? </p>
<p>Again… assume that whatever your kid thinks you are doing is exactly what your kid will do in a few years. Let that guide you. ;)</p>
<p>For the OP - not knowing anything about the situation, I can’t comment. I can say, however, that it’s easier for some parents to discreetly date than others. I was always very busy (your typical 10-EC, honours courses kid), so there wasn’t much “left alone at home” that could happen. He should have a very frank talk with his Mom about his feelings (yeah, I know, and cows will play violins…) - and propose solutions. A few sessions with a family counselor could do wonders.</p>
<p>thanks for your suggestions aries
It sounds like your parents were relatively mature and responsible about the changes in their lives.
Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case, which is why some people get divorced in the first place :(</p>
<p>I would also add- dont complain about the other parent- they are still the parent, and kids hate to be put in the middle.
Of course this could mean that kids could reach adult hood knowing little about their parents true personality, but they will find out soon enough if they are interested, and they will appreciate, that you gave them the opportunity to find out for themselves.</p>
<p>I have two close friends who are single and now dating. One was widowed and she waited 9 years until the last of her 5 children was in college. The other friend was divorced and waited 3 years until her last was in college. Both felt their primary concern had to be for the children. In both cases the children had been through much trauma—one a painful, lingering death from cancer and the other a mean, nasty divorce involving “the other woman”. Both women pursued social lives through friends and did many things in groups, through work, went back to school, got involved in the community, joined gourmet dinner groups, etc. From talking with both these women, I get the feeling though the times were rough, they still felt good about the decisions they made.</p>