<p>Everyone has their own idea of what’s romantic or not. For me, I wouldn’t focus on how the check gets paid. But to each their own. Maybe you didn’t mean to make it sound like there was a clear test of whether or not the relationship could progress based simply on if the guy offered to pick up the first date tab, but that’s what it sounded like.</p>
<p>I think the bigger issue here in this particular relationship is the pattern of conduct and the differing expectations at play. Sounds to me more like a communication issue. If your friend likes this guy except for the way he deals with date bills, it’s too bad that she’s unwilling to consider him anything more than a friend just because of that. Maybe she should agree to go on one more date with him, request separate checks up front, and see how he reacts. That might confirm or deny any character traits she suspects.</p>
<p>I can respect that, and it’s not up to me (or anyone else) to say if this is right or wrong, it’s just the way you feel. But think of all the guys out there who might otherwise be a great match for you (if you were looking) who, unbeknownst to them, would screw it up because they weren’t sure that offering to pick up the whole tab was the right thing to do.</p>
<p>And again, if it’s OK for a woman to have this standard, is it OK for a guy?</p>
<p>This guy isn’t frugal. Frugal guys don’t order martinis with their dinners - esp not TWO martinis with dinner. This guy is a mooch. </p>
<p>TempeMom’s post in #11 sums this situation up nicely.</p>
<p>I’m not sure why your friend feels the need to let this guy down gently. He has shown her who he is and I’d agree with her that he’s not the kind of person to continue with in any kind of relationship.</p>
<p>If I offered to split the check the first time, and I got taken, lesson learned. The next time, I’d ask for separate check, and/or be prepared to say that I will pay for my dinner, no more. </p>
<p>I learned the hard way that some men LIKE dating a woman who pays for part of their meal and drinks. If I get an appetizer and 1 drink (mayber $20-25), I always have cash ready, and say “Here’s my share”. The cheapskate will run and look for another easy target.</p>
<p>I’m happily married. But, now that I look back on our first date I offered to split the check with my future husband and he insisted on paying for the drinks. We were at appleby’s as I recall. I did and do pay for many things in our household. I just felt it was the right gesture to make … That it indicated romance and dating as opposed to friends with benefits. But that’s me.</p>
<p>I think it is all in the asking. If someone invited me by saying “I’d like to take you to dinner” then I would expect them to pay. If they said “Let’s meet for dinner” then I would expect to split the cost.</p>
<p>For those of us who haven’t had a “date” in >35 years, this is very interesting. I would have no idea how to navigate the dating world these days.</p>
<p>I believe DS paid for his first few dates even though he’s a poor student. The money comes from either his future income or the bank of mom/dad.</p>
<p>I think he uses this “traditional” protocol to help clarify (to both of them) that this is a date rather than a meet between “just friends.” (Financial frugality is never his or her issue. He’s glad to pay for it in order to have the chance to get to know her better.)</p>
<p>My last date (with my wife) was more than 35 years ago when I was a sophomore in college. DS said to us that our dating experience does not count as it was so long ago and it was very unlike today’s norm.</p>
<p>I haven’t been on a date in 34 years–so I don’t have a clue what the norm is today. However, one thing is clear–these two people are very different. OP’s friend has a generous nature and the guy she’s dating is just the opposite–he isn’t the least bit generous–is it because he’s cheap or clueless or frugal or selfish–doesn’t matter. None of those are qualities that are admirable. If I were the OP’s friend, I’d drop this guy.</p>
Maybe, he is taking into account the amount of money he spends for the flowers. Is it a bouquet of wilted carnations or a bouquet of orchids, lilies or long-stemmed roses?</p>
<p>Honestly- I wouldn’t want to date again either. My husband and actually have a pact- if either of us dies, the survivor can date or whatever- but no marriage without an iron clad pre- nup. We want our money to go to our children. And for the record- she only said " flowers" there was no gushing on about the most exquisite bouquet of pink , yellow and orange gerber daisys cleverly tied with a grass string in a hand blown vase… I assume it was a generic bouquet.</p>
<p>If someone invites you out for dinner, then he should pay. If she invited him out, she should pay. I don’t understand what is so difficult about this. This isn’t a group of friends going out for dinner and splitting the bill equally. I agree with Thumper, he sounds like a mooch.</p>
<p>These things have a certain amount of regional or socioeconomic variation, or so I’d think. However, the fact that that they is not splitting what each spent for the meals, means a conversation needs to occur. Or she needs to flat out refuse to continue to pay disproportionally. How that conversation is responded to can signify whether he is worth dating. Some men are probably quaking in their boots, unsure of how to proceed when the bill arrives. So give him a small pass for it being a hot button issue. Small. </p>
<p>Personally, I find paying for other folks alcohol consumption and expensive tastes becomes tiresome. After a lot of time putting up and shutting up, I speak up when this sort of inequality is assumed repeatedly. </p>
<p>Until my sweetie and I got involved a decade ago, I spent my time on match. For the most part, bills were split while dating. My city has a lot of identification with the feminist movement, and I’d expect nothing else. I also like to establish that I am an equal player in any dating situation. However, one of the things I most remember from that first date with my BF, is how he insisted on picking up the check. He remains a gentleman in important ways, though being of greater means, I pay for him a lot of the time. </p>
<p>One of my take aways from dating in my 40s was that everyone has issues. The extent of the issues can only be understood with the passage of time. One of the issues for some men, can be feeling taken advantage of financially by women, leading perhaps to some of this sort of behaviour. Again, this deserves a conversation.</p>
<p>I don’t think she cares enough to have any delicate" I like you, but you are either cheap or taking advantage of me" type conversation. She has 2 other guys she is casually seeing. we were just curious what everyone else thought. And for the record - sometimes they pay and sometimes she pays- or she cooks dinner for them, or whatever. In this particular case she feels like he is clueless or miserly.</p>
<p>If someone has big enough issues that they think selecting where and when their date will take place, does not delienate them as a host and therefore responsible for the evening expenses, then they shouldnt be worth her time.</p>
<p>If they dont want to spend money, then do something they can afford, like take a walk to the library. But to have the other person always pay for both?
Not unless you have such little self respect you dont mind being " kept".
That is not someone interested in a relationship between two adults.
Of course some people * like* a relationship like that, because they may feel more in control ( as the payer), they dont really want something with more give and take.</p>
<p>He has her pay half? And he eats/drinks much more, as a pattern? That’s not “sharing.”</p>
<p>Wow. Next time, when ordering she should say directly to the waitperson, “Separate checks, please.” Don’t ask him beforehand, just tell the waitperson.</p>
<p>If he fusses with her about it, let the waitperson walk away and then simply to him only: it’s because you generally order more than I do. </p>
<p>Her oldfashioned mistake, I think, is feeling she has to work the terms of the meal through him, rather than directly with the waitperson. If he’s offended that she behaves like an equal in public, he’s not a gentleman, he is hopeless dating material.</p>
<p>Wow. This is tricky if she offered to split the check. He didn’t ask. She offered. Split may mean split in half to him and he could possibly think he’s just doing it the way she want to do it. Initially, I thought, easy the inviter pays. But not so sure, now.</p>