<p>I’m 25, recently out of school. From about mid way through the first year, I have developed a great friendship with a guy in my class. We studied long hours together, went to happy hours, car pooled to stuff, and basically spent a lot of time together. Around the end of first year, I told him that I was interested in starting a relationship. He said that he didn’t want to ruin the friendship, things were awkward for a month or two, and then everything was back to normal.</p>
<p>There is such a chemistry between us that everyone thinks we are dating. This includes fellow students, our other friends, co-workers, and even professors. </p>
<p>This weekend, we went out together (the first time alone in awhile), and ended up kissing. We were walking distance from my place, and we both had really had too much to drive, so he ended up sleeping over. In the morning he kissed me goodbye, and we never really talked about anything.</p>
<p>Now it’s been almost 3 days, and I haven’t heard anything from him. I would like to have a relationship with him. I think that the combination of our great friendship, coupled with that great chemistry, would make for a really great relationship. However, more than anything, I do not want to ruin the friendship. I don’t want things to be awkward. </p>
<p>My goal is to throw the situation into his court. Let him know that I’m interested, but that I won’t be hurt if he wants to stay “just friends”. How should I do this? I want to keep things light, so I think calling and saying “can we talk?” will set the wrong tone.</p>
<p>Speaking as a formerly 25-year-old guy with lots of friends both male and female, Saturday lunch at a casual restaurant would be best for this conversation. Just make sure the weather’s good that day.</p>
<p>Hmm, it sounds like you already did what you’re asking for advice on - i.e. you already stated you wanted it to be more serious and he said he didn’t. If you both had ‘too much to drive’ then that kissing session might not have been what it appeared and been more alcohol based. I suppose you could ask him again in case his feelings have changed but if he responds the same way as before then maybe you should move on. If you spend most of your hangout time with him and others perceive it to be a bf/gf relationship then you might be unknowingly shutting out other potential suitors.</p>
<p>Since most guys react with horror to “Let’s talk,” I suggest that you write him a simple and straightforward email saying what you said above: I don’t want to spoil our friendship, I don’t want things to be awkward between us. “Just friends” is fine with me.</p>
<p>Of course, I also think you would be lying, and I mean that in the nicest possible way. </p>
<p>I wonder whether you are staying with the friendship because you hope it will turn into something else. Doesn’t sound like it will. He has some reason for not wanting to take it to a bf/gf kind of thing. Last time I had a male friend with whom I had apparently great chemistry to whom I was attracted who wanted to hang with me but not take it further, the guy turned out to be gay. Therefore we were able to become best friends, and remained so until his death. If he had been a heterosexual, no way.</p>
<p>I suggest you spend less time with this guy and find someone who DOES want to be your BF. Maybe he will realize that he made a mistake, but in the meantime you won’t be hanging around with him sending out “I’m taken” signals to other guys.</p>
<p>Sorry sweetie, but he’s telling you already that he doesn’t want a relationship. You most certainly would have heard something from him if he did.</p>
<p>I would do nothing, and say nothing about it unless he does. I would also make a point of not seeing him so much, for the reasons others have stated, but also for your own heart. It’s hard to be with someone you really want in a romantic way who just wants to be freinds, and even more so if you have already been physical with one another. You need to put some emotional distance between you, and move on with your life.</p>
<p>“He has some reason for not wanting to take it to a bf/gf kind of thing.”</p>
<p>I agree. A guy who’s on the verge of getting more – if he WANTS to get more – will go out of his way to get it. He’s had plenty of time to think about it, and he doesn’t want any more. It may not make any apparent sense, but he doesn’t. I’ve been there.</p>
<p>Well, I’m a teensy bit on the other side - I’ve been married to my best friend from college for 20 something years. It was <em>very</em> awkward in that in-between time. First he decided he wanted more and I <em>didn’t</em>. Then I came around and he got cold feet. It took about a year from the first signs of more than friends to a relationship.</p>
<p>Personally, I’d advice you <em>not</em> to have a talk about it. If he’s feeling ambivalent (which he obviously is), talking will just kill it. Show him you are still friends by acting the same way, but perhaps occasionally be a little flirty when the time seems right (like not around other available guys :-). Otherwise, make sure you don’t cut off other guys - sometimes it takes another guy to bring someone to their senses.</p>
<p>He sounds like a nice guy. He could have taken advantage of you that night (did he?) knowing how you felt about him. I am assuming he didn’t. He may be having some deep thoughts about the situation and that’s why you haven’t heard from him. I think you need to let him make up his mind. I don’t think any serious talk from you is going to help.</p>
<p>Make him sit through 4 or 5 of those “date movies” where the guy finally realizes that he’s really been in love with his gal pal forever. Then jump his bones.</p>
<p>(The above is not really serious. Other people’s advice is better. This is a really painful situation for you. Hanna et al. are probably right, but I’ve seen the huguenot thing happen, too, in a small minority of cases.</p>
<p>I would operate on the assumption that he’s just not that into you, and that your friendship has been compromised. Three days without calling after a first make-out session with a good friend, drunken or not, is a whole lot of ambivalence and immaturity. Maybe he’ll grow up and screw his head on straight some day, but you shouldn’t be holding your breath, or hanging around, waiting. Break up with him (without making a big deal about it). Start having a life that doesn’t include him.</p>
<p>If you are a young lawyer, you have 50 trillion ways to meet guys who at the very least know what they want and aren’t afraid to act on it. Some of them will be toads, not princes, but you might as well kiss a few and find out. </p>
<p>Maybe Buddy will suddenly decide he was a jerk and beg for forgiveness. If that happens, you can decide what to do then. But decide from a position of strength, don’t take him back, in any capacity, because you think no one else will like you.)</p>
<p>IMHO, you are making it too easy for him. He is taking you for granted and getting your attention, companionship and loyalty without having to give anything in return.</p>
<p>I’d ignore HIM for awhile and make him jealous by being seen out with another guy. But that’s just me, I haven’t been 25 in awhile, but I do know how guys act. Guys are in their mid-20’s get really nervous about dating because they think girls are often on the husband hunt.</p>
<p>There is a reason they call alcohol liquid courage, if he had to be liquored up to kiss you, it’s probably not there.</p>
<p>If all else fails, read the book, He’s Just Not That In To You.</p>
<p>Also, good luck, unrequited love is painful, but I’d hate for you to miss out on the love of your life because you are too busy focused on him.</p>
<p>Advice I would give my d: Nope - not there. He had previous opportunity, and … umm … opportunity, and now … nothing for three days. To me, it sounds like “the situation into his court” is already a reality and he has indicated by his actions that at best he’s ambivalent but most probably not interested. By age 25 a guy definitely knows how to let a girl know that he wants a relationship. Really, really sorry.</p>
<p>I like this quote, and think it might apply in this situation:</p>
<p>Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option</p>
<p>Well none of you have said what I wanted to hear, but I think you’re probably right.</p>
<p>What I probably should have added is that I haven’t been pining away for him these past two years. The summer after I told him that I had feelings for him, I didn’t see him for a few months. Then I dated someone for a whole year. He also knows that I’ve been dating around (casually, but seeing people), etc. </p>
<p>He called and proposed dinner after work on Wednesday. I’m going to go, and see what he says, but I’m not going to bring it up. If you guys are wrong (which sadly, I still hope), and it’s meant to be, it will happen without me trying to force it.</p>
<p>I was thinking more about this last night. You don’t mention the other women he’s dating or interested in, and your original post was a little vague (which is fine) about how far your relationship has gone. It occurred to me that this could easily be a story about a man who is gay, but not out yet, maybe not even fully to himself.</p>
<p>Not – unfortunately – that the OP is so obviously wonderful that the only reason a man would reject her would be because he is gay. If only the world worked that way! But the Gay Hypothesis fits the facts presented so far about as well as any other, especially the obvious enjoyment of being together, chemistry, etc., but pullback at a more physical relationship, and the absence of rivals.</p>
<p>We don’t know him, but I had the exact same thought, based on life experience: absence of rivals is indeed a possible indicator of gay, not out, maybe not even out to himself. Be his friend and don’t count on anything more developing.</p>
<p>OTOH, when I started dating my husband, I was thinking, well, here is a nice friend guy who might be fun to do stuff with this summer - a lot of my other friends are out of town. Chemistry can be something that develops over time. If you just keep being his friend, you can wait and see what happens. Just don’t close yourself off to other opportunities.</p>
<p>The gay thing is something I’ve tossed around… not because I’m so wonderful that no straight man could resist me, but because there hasn’t been another girl in the three years I’ve known him. Sure, he dates, but I don’t think he’s ever made it to a third date with anyone in those three years. I’m biased because he really is my best friend, but it seems odd to me that someone who is attractive, nice, and successful would be unattached for three straight years.</p>
<p>We’re going to have dinner tomorrow, and I have promised myself I will not say anything about this. If he brings it up, fine, but otherwise I’m going to act like I have absolutely no memory of the incident.</p>
<p>All thoughtful answers here; but I am taken aback by oldforts question- did he “take advantage of you?” Not the phrase itself-yes, at 50 I am of a generation that used that phrase and know its meaning- somehow he forced you into a position where you couldn’t say no. I see nothing in the Op that would even hint he forced himself on her. Clearly the op indicates she has expressed her desire for more than friendship while the fellow so far has declined. They were both choosing to drink booze, and he stayed the night. Even if they had sex as Oldfort is asking, I cannot believe he took advantage of her(remembering what that phrase means), unless we are to believe he concocted this plot long long ago that he would often go out with her as friends, refuse her advances, just waiting on the one night she was too drunk to say no, and then have his way with her against her better judgment. Just like the phrase “he got me drunk” is now comical, but not taken seriously. One draws a picture of a girl tied up in a chair with a funnel in her mouth and a guy pouring in booze. No, one might encourage another to drink, but got me drunk is passe. In todays world a woman is expected to drink responsibly just as a man is.
Yes, date rape exists and is a sad thing but I do not believe she is guilty of rape. She may have initiated the physical aspect(if it occurred at all) but I can’t think she forced herself on him and that he could do nothing to stop it. It certainly is possible she may have taken advantage of him(if the sex occurred as oldfort asked) and it is possible he now resents how she treated him.</p>
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