<p>When my parents found out I was dating a black guy, they sounded shocked and genuinely concerned, saying things like “be careful,” “I don’t know what’s going to happen to you,” and “you’ve gone down a dangerous slippery slope.” Such comments strike me as racist, which is ironic because we ourselves have been a victim of racism to some extent. I would just ignore them except they constantly bring it up now when I’m on the phone with them and no doubt it will come up during spring break (if I go home that is). I’ve argued with them about their racist views so many times before, provoking hostile reactions, but there’s just no changing them I think because of the colonial mentality that’s very much ingrained in their heads. How should I respond?</p>
<p>What’s your ethnicity? It might help us to know that in order to discuss this intelligently.</p>
<p>I know only as far as my parents tell me, which may or may not be true or only partly true. But I take it that you’re really asking for THEIR ethnicity to understand where they’re coming from? They’re Asian.</p>
<p>My advise, without knowing you or your parents, would be to give them time. Parents usually adapt when they get over the shock of something they didn’t see coming. Kids today don’t understand how much things have change (in this case, for the better). When I was growing up, it was very, very rare to see a biracial couple and I don’t remember if I ever saw a black/Asian couple; although Asians weren’t very common in my hometown to begin with. I am sure your parents are worried, all parents worry about odd things. We all want life to be smooth and easy for our children. Tell them about this new boy, let them know what a great guy he is. As they become more familiar with him, he will seem less scary and foreign to them. So again give them some time and let’s hope they surprise you in a positive way.</p>
<p>I agree with Onward. Give your parents some time to adjust.</p>
<p>I agree with the others who said to give them time. Also, I take it that they have not met the young man. Perhaps, when they see how he treats you, his personality and other positive attributes, they will see the person and not the race.</p>
<p>Maybe bring home the DVD “Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?” and try to get them to sit down and watch it with you.</p>
<p>They want the best for you, and they can only vouch for and trust things and people they know. My parents’ and in-laws’ generation did not have social experiences or comfort with people of other races, nor with gay people. My MIL is the only one left, and even though she used to make comments which were offensive, she has embraced each of our friends whole heartedly once she has met them and spoken with them…all of that attitude is just gone. Give them time and introduce them to your friends. If you accuse them of something negative, i.e. “racist views” and “colonial mentality”, they will respond defensively, so make your way positively, sharing the good experiences you are having.</p>
<p>I have heard my mom tell your story in her own house growing up. She was the daughter of Irish immigrants who were discriminated against. Her sister (my aunt) brought home her homecoming date- first year of high school. He indeed was black. My mom said she couldn’t believe it when her dad was upset! Growing up she and her sisters had been taught to be “color/religion blind” due to how her parents grew up in Ireland but here it was. Well, many years later, my aunt is married to my uncle and you guessed it, he is black. We all love my uncle dearly and really missed him last Christmas when he was serving overseas - including my grandparents who can’t speak highly enough of him. My aunt just sort of side stepped her parents - not really fighting with then but lived her life reassuring them that everything would be fine - they came around once they got to know him and no longer think anything of bi-racial couples. Hang in there!</p>
<p>Good luck. Changing engrained ways of thinking in adults is a daunting task to say the least.</p>
<p>What you do might turn on whether you are thinking about marrying the man. If that isn’t part of the plan, you might just try to ignore the issue.</p>
<p>If you have marriage/life commitment thoughts you might want to check a few more things out before you act. Does your guy know of your parents’ feelings? Do you know what his parents think about him dating you? Do you know if your guy’s parents know of the negative feelings by your parents?</p>
<p>At some point you are going to have to assess what this relationship is going to “cost” the two of you regarding your families. I’ve had friends who walked away from the relationship for family peace and I’ve had others who walked away from the family by keeping the relationship over parental disapproval.</p>
<p>Welcome to the adult world of hard decisions.</p>
<p>I am going to ask more ?s
You are female?
Do you have female friends that are african american- other races than asian that you brought home when you were in high school? Did you bring them home enough so that your parents could get to know them?
Did you tell your parents your friend is african american to prepare them for the introduction or to rattle them?</p>
<p>I have no plans of being with him in the long term. However, I’d have no problem walking away from my family if it means being with the person I love. Like some of you said, they’ll just have to “get used to it” eventually.</p>
<p>The ironic part is that they do seem to be accepting of my cousins’ non-Asian partners (Ethiopian, Nigerian) but not when it comes to their child’s. Or maybe they really aren’t okay with them and are just pretending.</p>
<p>I’m a white man who’s been married for fifteen years to a black woman. I also dated an Asian woman all through college, about thirty years ago. I grew up in a very conservative family.</p>
<p>The concerns of my college girlfriend’s parents expressed to her when we began getting serious were more cultural than racial. It wasn’t a question of what I was, but rather what I wasn’t - I hadn’t been raised in that culture, and didn’t speak their native language. I responded to that by enrolling in language classes, and trying very hard to learn to speak their language, and become familiar with their culture. I did win them over, particularly a grandmother who spoke no English at all. I ended up spending a lot of time with them, staying with them during spring break, and on weekends. (I even stayed with them on a visit to Asia after they had returned there, about a decade after their daughter and I had broken up.)</p>
<p>One thing I learned from this was that there was a fairly strong current of anti-black sentiment in their community. When my former girlfriend’s sister dated a black classmate, her father was extremely upset. His opinions about black people would not have been out of place in a Klan meeting, had they been expressed in English.</p>
<p>My own parents, despite being very conservative, are very accepting of my wife. Now that they have grandchildren who are, by some definitions, black, they’ve become veritable crusaders for racial equality.</p>
<p>My in-laws have been very accepting of me, and I have become very close to them.</p>
<p>People can change. But some people are more open to change than others. I’ve known people in interracial relationships whose families were a lot less accepting of it than mine, and this can be a heavy burden for them. Some of them are estranged from their families of origin. Conflicts with in-laws can be really hard on a marriage. </p>
<p>If your relationship continues to develop, it will be a very good thing if you can win your parents over. This may take serious time and effort; there are no guarantees that you’ll be successful. If this guy turns out to be someone you wish to spend your life with, that relationship will be strengthened if your families of origin learn to be accepting.</p>
<p>A number of other posts have appeared in the time I was drafting what I posted above. Let me just add that it’s not just a problem when people “walk away” from their families, it’s a tragedy.</p>
<p>Greybeard, thank you for that eloquent post. This is a topic in which I have no stake; doesn’t involve me or my mine. But I found your post more than informative and an example of what is so wonderful about the sharing of experiences and wisdom here on cc.</p>
<p>Agree with jmmom about Greybeard’s post!</p>
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<p>Your statement seems odd. You are willing to walk away from your family who would otherwise be with you in the long term, but you have no long term plans to be with boyfriend. At some point you could find yourself with no boyfriend and no family. Does that make any sense?</p>
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<p>Excise the words racist, colonial mentality, and the like from your vocabulary. </p>
<p>Make no statements purporting to criticize, understand or explain your parents’ motivations.</p>
<p>Speak solely about how you feel about your boyfriend: He makes me feel special, I enjoy his company, he’s very smart, whatever is truthful.</p>
<p>Actually, razorsharp, my parents have rarely been supportive of the decisions I’ve made as an adult that have made me happy: being open about my sexuality (oh yea, I’m guy… I should’ve mentioned this earlier), previous relationships with guys (all of them), my religion, my education, my finances (not that I expect them to since they can’t afford it) so it will be hard for me to listen to them when it comes to another major life decision that I think will be good for me.</p>
<p>When I said, “I have no plans of being with him in the long term. However, I’d have no problem walking away from my family if it means being with the person I love,” I wasn’t talking about him specifically in the second sentence. It’s hypothetical in that if I meet somebody that I want to spend the rest of my life with and my parents don’t approve because of their prejudice, I might have to let my parents go. However, I’m hopeful I won’t have to make that choice (between the person and my parents) in the first place.</p>
<p>Thank you, Greybeard. People do change, and I’m hoping my parents will eventually come to accept me and respect my choices.</p>