<p>New member with a question for the other parents here. My D is a soph at a great university. She works hard, gets good grades, and is involved in a couple of activities that interest her. I am an inveterate worrier, however!</p>
<p>Over the past almost two years, she has had several boyfriends, most for 1-2 months (not at the same time!). I wonder what others’ experiences are with their kids dating in college – do they have a steady BF/GF that they stay with for months/years? Or do they “date” more?</p>
<p>A couple of examples – my D dated a boy over the summer who worked where she did. He was a grad student, about 4 years older than her. They dated for about 6 weeks, then she broke it off when she went back to school because she didn’t want to date long distance. They seem to remain friends – went out to lunch together over winter break.</p>
<p>Last semester she dated a senior who was in one of her activities, for about a month. The breakup was mutual, and she seemed perfectly fine with it (was a couple of weeks before finals, and her grades were the best she’s gotten so far).</p>
<p>She is currently dating another soph, has been for about a month. Still goes out and does things with other friends (went out to dinner with a HS friend (male) over the weekend who attends the same college, also went to a movie with girls in her dorm over the weekend). She is not into big parties (wasn’t in HS either), prefers going out to dinner, going to movies, small get-togethers. This current BF may visit us for a couple of days over spring break.</p>
<p>My gut tells me this is healthy, she should “shop around” now while she is young (19) rather than getting into a serious, joined-at-the-hip relationship. But a part of me wants her to find the love of her life and not face any potential heartache (I know, somewhat irrational of me).
What do others think?</p>
<p>I would trade in a heartbeat! I’ve got a S in a joined-at-the-hip, she signed up for three out of his four classes, kind of relationship. Summer can’t come soon enough! <em>groans</em></p>
<p>my daughter will be a senior in college next year- she took a year off after high school and is taking a year off now from her college.
She has never dated anyone seriously as far as I know. Nothing wrong with her- very cute- nice personality etc- but she is more interested in her school/friends/community activites than finding “the one”
I assume she has a sex life at school- I don’t ask, I figure if she wanted me to know she would tell me.
In high school she had friends she went to parties and dances with, some she was quite close to, but I wouldn’t call it “dating”
I feel college is a time to learn about yourself, a good thing to do before you get into a relationship.
Being comfortable with her own company is a good indication that when she is ready to be in a long term relationship it will be a healthy one.</p>
<p>She should not be in a hurry to find the love of her live. That can’t be rushed or planned–having had lots of male friends and less intense romantic relationships will help to make her wiser about what she really wants for the long-term. Even some heartache will make her stronger and more compassionate in the end. Too many women throw themselves into relationships with their future ex-husbands when they are as young as your daughter still is. I think divorce is a heartache to avoid, if you can, by waiting until you’re really ready for marriage.</p>
<p>Your daughter is doing the right thing–getting to know guys and dating them but not getting so wrapped up in them that she loses a sense of who she is or what she wants/likes. Its good to not only date, but to hang out with girl friends, guy friends, do the activities you want. There are WAY too many girls in college who find a boyfriend their frosh year and have a ‘joined at the hip’ relationship. Sometimes this works, as they get married soon after college and live a happy life. But most of the time, these days, it doesn’t seem to work as one person in the relationship eventually realizes the other doesn’t have the right qualities or that they’re missing out on life because of the other–not to mention they build up such an emotional dependance, they’re devasted and barely functional for months after a breakup. </p>
<p>Its great to find a long term relationship in college, but the price shouldn’t be having to sacrifice meeting lots of other kids, making friends, taking the classes/ECs you want–just so you can be w/ the boyfriend 24-7; I’m a believer that you have to be a strong individual before you can be in a strong relationship.</p>
<p>I’d quote the same two passages that Digmedia did.</p>
<p>I’m just a little concerned because of the relative lack of guys at D’s college but she has no problems talking to guys when she meets them and knows herself well enough that she knows what she likes…so far…and what she doesn’t. I think that for her, guys just aren’t a priority right now. If one dropped into her lap, great…but meanwhile she’s busy enough with studies and friends that I don’t think she’s lacking.</p>
<p>EmeraldK, my first serious g/f was in college and I was mortified when I found out that she had shared <em>everything</em> with her mom.</p>
<p>Are you maybe afraid she’s having casual sex with all these one-week & one-month guys? Because this would be a worry for me as well, for my kid to be viewing sex as a far-more-pleasant version of aerobics…</p>
<p>Otherwise, the casual dating seems healthy.</p>
<p>I’m in month 5 of a relationship - and that’s almost a record. So, coming from the perspective of a slightly older version of the goes-through-men-like-tissues type:</p>
<p>Few people find the loves of their lives at age 19. Real heartbreak will come if she throws herself into a relationship, sacrificing her friends, work, and activities, only to have the boy dump her because he’s immature or doesn’t want something serious. </p>
<p>Be forewarned: when boys are that age, in almost any relationship lasting longer than a month or two, they will want sex. They want it with or without love, with or without commitment - but if they date someone in anything that resembles a relationship, they want sex. With or without being exclusive, with or without saying “I love you” or any thing like that. (It’s kind of the reverse of Green Eggs and Ham… in a car, in a bar, with socks…) Sadly, a lot of young women have to decide between serious dating and virginity - or just deal with a lot of pressure and a lot of guilt for wanting both. For men that age, it’s almost an entitlement thing; they really feel like they <em>deserve</em> sex from their girlfriends. </p>
<p>Love of her life can come with other problems: mostly from putting The Relationship before the things she needs to do for herself and her educational goals. Still true that it is often women who sacrifice (moving to where the man has a job or a Ph.D. position or is in med school, then trying to find a job or get into school in that area) for those relationships to work. </p>
<p>It will all work out eventually - daughter seems sane and stable. To paraphrase Gone With the Wind, the ultimate love story, Ellen took a more long-sighted view of Scarlett’s 10-year-old unladylike pasttimes than Mammy: “she knew that out of those childhood friends would grow the beaux of her teen years.” Likewise, these short relationships will help your daughter to see what she wants (and doesn’t want) in a relationship and a partner; and the friendships with men will help her to better communicate with and understand boyfriends in the future. </p>
<p>Finally - it beats having her to date a guy seriously and miss out on Mr. Right because she’s tied down to Mr. Okay (But Not Really Right) for no good reason save for having a serious relationship!</p>
<p>Thanks for all the replies, I think you all make good points.</p>
<p>As for the question of whether she is sexually active, I have to say I really don’t know, and at age 19, I’m not sure I need or want to. I was sexually active at that age, and my mother certainly didn’t know! I have had more than one safe sex talk with her, and I know they have that lesson drummed into them in HS as well. I have also talked to her about the emotional aspects of sex, which I think are often not addressed with the heavy focus on physical safety.</p>
<p>Aries, you should write a humorous novel about a young woman’s adventures with Mr. Right, Mr. Okay, and Mr. You’ll Do For Tonight.
Make a million, I betcha.</p>
<p>ariesa - Trying to think of a way to route the content of your post directly into my Ss brain, without him being aware. It must be a stealth operation, as he would never sit still for the info consciously. Or - maybe he would from the goddess ariesathena , but not from Mom. :eek:</p>
<p>This is helpful to me because I have been thinking about it too…from a slightly different angle. This is not a worry, but a curiousity. My question: in today’s dating scene, are the more casual (not “attached at the hip”) relationships destined to be short-term? My D is a senior in HS and went out with someone (for the first time) for about 3 months. I think she liked him a lot. They im’d and spoke on the phone most days, but when she had to choose how to allocate her small amount of free time (she has a heavy courseload and is a 3 season varsity athlete) she would half the time choose to hang out with her girlfriends or teammates over being with him. I think she was trying to keep everyone happy-ish. I had this strange mix of feelings (like the OP) of feeling relieved that she was independent and had other important things in her life and also, feeling kind of bad for the guy (I have a teenaged son) and aware that my D’s not choosing to be with him more 1) may not sustain the relationship and 2) may not reflect how much she really did like him, as far as I could tell from her mood when he called, etc. He did break up with her and I think she was kind of surprised and disappointed, but not heartbroken. I guess this is pretty much the norm, but just caused me to wonder whether in today’s dating there is a model somewhere between casual and intense. Maybe it depends on the needs/expectations of the two people being similar?</p>
<p>I see a very similar “half-life” to my S’s (rare) girlfriend relationships. He does not share with me, so I never know the why’s of the breakups. I wonder (not really worry) about whether he is handling the relationships right/ treating them well, etc. Like your D, my S spends amazing amounts of time on cell phone calls when he does have a GF (2 hrs. per nt almost every nt) but very little actually going out. He will more likely spend Saturday night with his band, guy friends etc. than with GF. A few weeks to 3 months seems his limit. My first, gut response is to think he should cultivate these relationships more, work harder at them, etc. But my considered reaction is to be glad they are not wrapped up in each other, thinking this is the end-all and be-all. I think in my day, we emphasized these relationships too much and “went steady” too much, expecting BF to spend most free time (certainly expecting weekly dates and a set-aside of prime time (Fri/Sat night).</p>
<p>My friends who have kids in extended relationships (in one case, since 7th grade, now in 12th) have, I think, much more worries than I do, even when both parties are great kids.</p>
<p>All of which is to say that, I don’t know if it is now the norm, but it certainly is more common than what I remember and therefore expected.</p>
, but not from Mom. :eek:</p>