dating question for parents

Parent Cafe
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<p>What kind of woman do you want to have as a “girlfriend?” Maybe knowing that will give you a clue as to how to meet her.</p>

<p>If you’re religious, and you want to meet someone who is too, then going to religious services is a good idea, but if you are an agnostic or atheist, it might not be. </p>

<p>If you are athletic or at least interested in sports, then joining a co-ed sports league is a good idea. Again, if you aren’t, well…maybe not. </p>

<p>If you are an animal lover, then getting a dog might be a good idea. But if you won’t be happy owning a dog if that plan doesn’t work. …then, don’t do it. </p>

<p>You’re in grad school. I don’t know which school you attend, but…are graduate students involved in student government? If so, getting involved might be a way to meet women.</p>

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<p>It would indeed be disheartening to have worked for many years on the goal of getting a good, stable income–with one idea being to find a girlfriend or start a family–only to find that, when you finally reached the goal, women turn out, mainly, to be uninterested.</p>

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<p>You are asking when women are finally going to be mainly interested in what you’ve accomplished with such effort and dedication. </p>

<p>If that time were to come, then you wouldn’t need to get involved with dogs, dancing, volunteering, etc. [I’m against you getting a dog unless you really want one.]</p>

<p>You wouldn’t need to do much courting.</p>

<p>I have to say, however, that (imho) nowadays in the US, your chances of success are going to be limited if all you are willing or able to offer is a stable income. </p>

<p>I suspect, though, that you have more to offer than that. Your income is good and important. However, you have other resources. Those other resources are what you will need to mobilize in order to make progress. </p>

<p>If all that is needed is to make more of an effort to meet women, then simply follow the advice you’ve gotten here. </p>

<p>If, however, you feel paralyzed, incapable of socializing with women, or you have been getting poor results with women (hey, it happens to pretty much all of us, I’ve certainly been there), then I would suggest getting some advice about that. Your best first step, if possible, imo, would be candid suggestions from female friends or relatives about how to spruce your presentation up a bit (as intparent suggested above).</p>

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<p>*I’ve heard many times that girls want a guy who has a stable job *</p>

<p>You were misinformed.</p>

<p>Forget the dog; buy a motorcycle.</p>

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<p>I didn’t mean to say he should get a dog if he wasn’t going to otherwise- but he seemed to have a problem even * meeting* someone to date & borrowing a dog/kid/shiny object might be the ice breaker that is needed.</p>

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<p>Thermo1 – you’re actually very astute (but perhaps a little poorly worded) with the comment about market value, because I read a study that says that some measure of well being/confidence/happiness for women rises steadily from 16 to about 26, then it peaks, then it wanes, and for men, their level of confidence/well being/happiness is low from 18-26 then it starts to improve. And this study theorized that the reason was very simple – when women are between 16 and 26 (or 28 or 29) they are in demand. Men want to date them. Men pursue them. Then men’s careers (and income) pick up, and men are increasingly in short supply. And this trend (men in demand) continues throughout the average male’s (economic/romantic) life. It made sense to me.</p>

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<p>“If you have a friend who has good social skills, especially with the opposite sex”</p>

<p>This is another problem, I do have a group of friends but we’re ALL have trouble meeting girls. Out of the 5 of us, only 1 has ever had a girlfriend and that was 8 years ago back in Korea!!</p>

<p>“If you weren’t already in a Master’s program, I’d suggest taking a graduate level class”</p>

<p>The trouble with this is that since I’m an engineer, the amount of females in my classes will be quite limited.</p>

<p>"Where are the girls? My unscientific survey shows that the ratio of girls to guys interested in riding horses is 5 million to one. The ratio of girls to guys interested in dancing is about 3 million to one. The ratio of girls to guys interested in fashion is 6.5 million to one. "</p>

<p>Horses are pretty expensive. Do you know which types of dancing have a younger crowd of girls? How can I get involved in fashion?</p>

<p>“Since you are working, can you afford to join a gym? Most gyms will give you a trial day for free. Go before work, look around, and if there aren’t enough women your age, leave! Try another gym until you find one with more women your age. Work out, and if someone interests you, ask her if she wants to have coffee or breakfast with you after the workout.”</p>

<p>I am part of a gym with a lot of girls! My question is how to approach them. They generally have headphones on and are quite busy in thier workout.</p>

<p>"ask the 50 year olds in the sport you play if they have daughters or know anyone that is looking to date seriously. if youve built up a respectable report with them, then i cant see them not helping you out. they want their daughters/nieces married too. "</p>

<p>This might work…how do I bring it up? </p>

<p>Thanks a lot for all the suggestions, I REALLY appreciate it!!</p>

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<p>Me again. It sounds like you might be shy or find it difficult to strike up a conversation with someone you haven’t met. Perhaps if you were involved in a volunteer group (which, in my experience, are often heavily staffed with women), you would have an automatic, built-in thing to talk about. And even if you don’t meet someone, you would at least be helping those less fortunate. Look around your area – there might be a group trying to work on a community garden or help the homeless or do something that gives back to the community. I have always found that volunteering makes it much much easier to engage in casual conversation with people I don’t know. Good luck!</p>

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<p>“I am part of a gym with a lot of girls! My question is how to approach them. They generally have headphones on and are quite busy in thier workout.”</p>

<p>This is good. If you see a girl struggling with the controls of her treadmill or whatver equipment, approach her with a friendly smile and offer help, or pretend that you have trouble with setting up your elliptical and ask for a few tips. This might get the conversation rolling.</p>

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<p>Take a ballroom dancing or swing class. Nothing impresses a girl like a guy who can dance. Usually, you don’t need a partner - you switch partners and there are never enough guys. If you’re good at it, you’re gold.</p>

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If there are women your Mother’s age on your team, start with them, or the wives of the men on your team.</p>

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<p>If your mom finds you a date opportunity, be open minded ;)</p>

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<p>“I read a study that says that some measure of well being/confidence/happiness for women rises steadily from 16 to about 26, then it peaks, then it wanes, and for men, their level of confidence/well being/happiness is low from 18-26 then it starts to improve.”</p>

<p>Do you have a link to this study? I feel like my self confidence is at an all time low. Up until I graduated last year, I’ve never really asked out any girls. I did this year and was turned down pretty much all the time. </p>

<p>I have a female classmate who posted her profile on the same dating website and he was getting dates left right and center. It wasn’t long before she found a boyfriend while me and my friends (guys) are still struggling to get replies. </p>

<p>“Perhaps if you were involved in a volunteer group (which, in my experience, are often heavily staffed with women), you would have an automatic, built-in thing to talk about.”</p>

<p>You know, i think you’re right. I volunteered last year for a few organization but this year seems to be a lull for them. I should look into other ones.</p>

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<p>glanced through the posts–but seriously, get a dog. get a dog that you want and like. Get over being lonely because the lonely vib is a turn off. Get a pet that makes you happy, take lots of walks, train this pet to sit at coffee shops and enjoy his/her company. Then actually make eye contact with others of any age at all and just talk and talk some more so it is easy. AND, be totally open to every social event offered even if you don’t really want to go. Also, please know that early 20’s can be a difficult time but will not always be so…keep us posted!</p>

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<p>So based on what you said above, I do think the volunteer route would be a good one. Ideally you want to do things where you have to spend some time with other people. The political campaign suggestion is good, or at the local humane society (back to the dog idea, but you will find that more of the volunteers there are women), or maybe at a local food shelf. Our local 2nd Harvest food bank has an email list for opportunities that are not normal-during-the-week shifts – for example, they had us volunteer at a local running race handling the gear bags for the runners, and they earned money for that. It was a four hour shift, and of the 15 people there, I think 12 of them were women. I bet if I did every one of those opportunities that came up during the year, I would meet a lot of people.</p>

<p>Also, if your gym offers classes, sign up for one. That would bring you into regular contact with some of the women without their headsets on.</p>

<p>My daughter met her college boyfriend through the college swing dance club. I asked her once after they became bf/gf if he still danced with other people at the club, and she laughed because the ratio is so skewed that he HAS to dance with the other girls so everyone gets a turn with male partners. So this is a vote for swing dancing :)</p>

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<p>This thread is hysterical! It is still early in my house and I am sitting here reading this, and laughing…don’t ask why I find it so funny just sit back and read the responses to the OPs query. I guess I know what I sound like when I give advice to my son’s about women.</p>

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<p>My idea is radical, so if you cringe, I’m O.K. if you don’t go with it. Go to an expensive salon and get a REAL makeover (Oprah style). If you tell the person in charge on the phone they will help you out. Then after that, get your teeth whitened. Then go to a Buckle and get a couple outfits that “all the cool kids wear”. If your intent is to go out with a good looking smart girl, you’ve got to look the part. I gotta tell ya, most guys want the good looking smart girl…</p>

<p>Dogs ARE a chick magnet…My daughters always flock to the guys with cool dogs. They talk all the time about the dogs they hope to have when they are on their own. They are the “faces” of their colleges. (Really!)</p>

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<p>Thermo1 – here’s the link: <a href=“http://isites.harvard.edu/fs/docs/icb.topic457678.files/WomensHappiness.pdf[/url]”>http://isites.harvard.edu/fs/docs/icb.topic457678.files/WomensHappiness.pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>Consider going to family weddings and mingling. Go to reunions and mingle. You are likely to meet someone through someone you already know. Take classes where you meet people…wine tasting, beer tasting, dance lessons; go to a country line dancing bar with your friends and get up and dance. You don’t have to be a country western fan…just go for the laughter, with your friends. Join a kayaking group, hiking group, skiing group…develop some interests to meet others and work the connections. While you’re having fun, you will most likely meet someone. Sometime those who focus on academics, forget that it’s OK to have some fun.</p>

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<p>It probably would not be a bad idea to refresh your looks. You described yourself as an long-time engineering student who didn’t get out much in college. That just screams “I could use a makeover” (apologies to any engineers or engineering students out there for the stereotype).</p>

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<p>I work at a large engineering company and am old enough to be your Mother. Anyway, although there may not be as many female engineers as male there are some very nice females at my facility. I see the younger engineers going out to lunch together in groups, meeting up after work, playing softball, skiing, etc. Are there no other younger new hires at your work? Even if all the other young engineers are male, get together with them to do things, someone in that group may have a female friend, sister or relative you can meet. And as others have said, most females are not looking for a guy who will support them the rest of their life. They are looking for a companion to have fun with and do things with. Good luck.</p>