<p>In my state a 16 yr old cannot drive someone who isnt a member of their family, and definitely cant drive after midnight. </p>
<p>What do you mean “the favored one”?</p>
<p>Our state’s restricted license allows one unrelated passenger. This is six months after getting their permit. By “favored one” I mean he’s hoping to have a more exclusive relationship with this girl but IMO she is making him jump through hoops. I 'll be glad to see her head off to college.</p>
<p>One kid I know followed his girl to college a year later. Love is complicated.</p>
<p>
D is the 18 year old girl who is dating a boy who just turned 17. They have been dating since last fall. We don’t really have “rules” for her/them, although I’ve said he should leave our house by 10 or so on work nights when we might start thinking about turning in. The boyfriend has a curfew and driving restrictions, but otherwise it’s not clear how many rules there are. Why do you feel that you need formal rules? I think we tend to be “cross that bridge when we come to it” type of people.</p>
<p>Mother of sons here. The first one had one date in HS, for senior prom. I said no sleeping over. That was it.</p>
<p>Second ds has a long-time gf, and we don’t have a lot of rules and just kind of play it by ear. The one rule is no being alone in each others’ houses. Otherwise, no set curfew or anything. Just depends on situation.</p>
<p>I don’t have a son, but this is something I would tell my son if I had one, “If a girl should become pregnant, she could always decide if she wants to become a mother or not. A boy doesn’t always have that option. Think about that really hard and ask yourself if you are prepared to become a father. If not, then do not ever believe a girl is taking care of the birth control.” </p>
<p>A lot of times, we think we need to be more careful with girls because they could get pregnant, but in reality it is the boys who need to be even more careful.</p>
<p>We didn’t really have a lot of rules, but we did have to make decisions. For example, we had to decide when we felt comfortable letting our kid go on a date that wasn’t a double or group date. It wasn’t as early as our kid would have liked. As a parent, you have to make decisions about when your kids are responsible and mature enough to do certain things–like stay home alone, drive a car, get a job, and yes, go on dates.</p>
<p>One policy we had (probably more related to parties than to dating) was that we would respond to a codeword and demand that our kids come home immediately–if they felt uncomfortable and would rather blame us.</p>
<p>xaniamom,</p>
<p>In most cases, that was true with us too. Basically, our kids knew the expectations (rules) for every day life in our house, and those pretty much applied to dating too:</p>
<p>Curfew
Conuct in general
Sexual conduct
Self respect - don’t allow people to mistreat you</p>
<p>But we did want to meet the guy, we wanted him to come in, we wanted to know a little about him, etc.</p>
<p>If I had boys, I would feel exactly the same. Except that I’d add the instruction that Oldfort posted - in both directions. Because of biology, the girl is the decision maker when it comes to having/not having a baby. Either way, you share that responsibility - so make good decisions.</p>
<p>like cromette, I never thought of these as “dating rules.” I knew from having been a kid once that opportunity for sex occurs with girls in the neighborhood, within the church groups and at camp. Seemed to me to be way, way too late to discuss most rules when “dating” came about.</p>
<p>I had talked about decision-making (on any subject) when alcohol or drugs were involved.
I had talked to him about what yes, no and silence meant.
I had talked to my son about delaying intercourse because of the impact on any relationship.
I had talked about the need to use (and made to offer to provide) condoms if he was going to have sex. I mentioned what oldfort identified–that a teen unmarried pregnancy might result in the girl aborting without him having any say (or even knowledge).</p>
<p>But these conversations started long before he could drive (16 in my state).</p>
<p>So, when driving and “dating” did start, I continued to have a curfew for him.
I reminded him that I was a part of his support group so he could come to me on any and every subject matter for help and advice.</p>
<p>“he could come to me on any and every subject matter for help and advice.”</p>
<p>Honestly, this is the key to ANY topic when you’re raising kids. If your children don’t feel safe asking questions or even challenging you on some of your positions, they WILL NOT come to you when it’s really important. Or, they will be so fearful of your reaction, that when they really need your help, they will go elsewhere, with bad results.</p>
<p>Hard lines in the sand can be disastrous. Elizabeth Smart, the girl who was kidnapped from her home and turned into a sex slave for almost a year, recently said that she HAD the opportunity to escape, but didn’t try, because she was raised to think that if you weren’t a virgin before marriage, your life was over and no one would want you. She actually thought she deserved to stay with the kidnappers. </p>
<p>But that kind of thinking could apply to anything. I made it clear to my kids early on that there is NO wrong question and NO time they could not ask for my help.</p>
<p>Super conservative parent here - we taught our kids that there wasn’t ANYTHING that we couldn’t work through together.</p>
<p>That mistakes were mistakes, but they certainly weren’t the end of the world, and we can always find a way to move on, and they should ALWAYS tell us and trust us if they found themselves in any kind of trouble. We were there to help them, not condemn them. We had expectations, but also understood that our kids were going to miss the mark sometimes. We understand that everyone breaks a rule, and no one is perfect.</p>
<p>I think examples like the above are just completely tragic. We started talking to our kids about these things as soon as they could converse and as soon as they could break rules by their own will.</p>
<p>My HS freshman daughter wanted to date a junior. We said he would have to date her as if HE were her age (the grade difference concerned us) That meant no driving her - we dropped her off and picked her up, and she had a much, much earlier curfew. I think it quickly became a drag for him ~ he wasn’t that interested in her which is what I suspected.</p>
<p>I very good way to scare a young man away is to issue an invitation for them to come to dinner. After a few dates, insist that this is the next step ~ a formal dinner at home with the family. Many young men don’t want to bother with this and would rather move-on to the next girl.</p>
<p>" very good way to scare a young man away" 
Why wait for a few dates?</p>
<p>My father, well over 6 feet tall, met my first time dates at the front door standing several steps above them. Then ushered them into his study, furnished with gun cabinet and hunting trophies, while they waited for to me finish preparations and come downstairs. One young man, when we got in his car, blurted out, “I had heard how scary your Dad is, but it is really true”</p>
<p>Usually, by the third or so date, they got greeted by my mom and waited in the kitchen. Getting to come for dinner was a privilege ;)</p>
<p>^^ my son was quite terrified of one girlfriend’s Dad. I would hear stories. It was a long time before I had reason to meet the Dad, and couldn’t believe he had managed to intimidate my son (more power to him, haha) Dad seemed really geeky, nerdy, mild mannered to me. Kind-of thought I could have taken-him in arm wrestling - not the blood-thristy ultimate-fighting-champion type that for some reason I thought my son had described. So words are powerful - as I’m sure his words are what must have intimidated my son.</p>
<p>^^ though this was the girlfriend I most worried about ~that she would act impulsively and not know her own mind/desires. It’s nice when young people make a calm rational decision that the time is right - yes, I’m want this, I’m ready for this, I’ve planned for this.</p>
<p>In later years, my father told me his performance was very carefully planned for ultimate intimidation. It would have made better sense to me if he had spent more time trying to explain his concerns and educate me on protecting myself rather than frightening my dates. I do think he had doubts as to how much control he was going to be able to exert on me for a period of years in my early/mid teens. He was pretty confident he could scare my boyfriends into “good” behavior. My boyfriends were generally much better behaved than I might have preferred.</p>
<p>My father couldn’t be intimidating if he tried. Not that he ever did. He never raised me to believe I needed a man to protect me. My significant others knew before dating me that I have a no bs policy. You screw me over or hurt me and we’re finished. I won’t retaliate but since I’ve never dated someone that’s outside of my friend circle, I can make sure that your friends know what a terrible person you are and they will desert you. </p>
<p>Luckily, I’ve never needed to invoke this as I’ve dated really good people and had really good break ups. Except with my ex-gf but she was just crazy lol.</p>
<p>I’ve never had a problem bringing dates home because my parents wouldn’t try to scare them off or interrogate them.</p>
<p>" … boyfriends were generally much better behaved than I might have preferred."</p>
<p>Laughed out loud at that ~ great line !!</p>
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</p>
<p>YES. PREACH. that is 100% true. I’m a teenager and I tell my mom everything. She might get mad from time to time but its never too major or explosive. I know she’ll always help me work through my problems and still love me. And I know the reason I feel so comfortable going to her is because we have a good relationship and talk often even when I don’t have a problem. Now, my dad is a different story. I wouldn’t talk to him if he was the last man on earth. He hates having his stance challenged. He’ll raise his voice and start swearing. Everything is an argument when we talk so I just stopped trying to talk to him and avoid him as much as possible. I haven’t had a functional conversation with him in years. Moral of the story: if you make yourself easy to talk to, your kids probably will. If you not, they’ll go elsewhere.</p>
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<p>The girl was active in the church my family attended. She was a grade younger than me and also went to the same public HS I did. Her father was an employee of that church in the finance department. She was always dressed conservatively and a little out dated. Her older brother was in my grade and was the class buffoon to the point of embarrassment. </p>
<p>She was very, very intelligent. A careful introvert but there was just something under the surface about her that was very appealing. I asked her out early in my Senior year and --one of those B<em>D A</em>S fathers at the door and inquisition as to where we were going and “have her home by _____!”</p>
<p>When we got into the car she said “Sorry about my Dad.” When we returned to in front of her house at the end of the date she told me “no kissing at the door.” Then she smiled, kissed me again and asked me “well, was tonight worth having to put up with all this?” She was the absolute mistress of 1960’s “misbehavior” on a date. But, it was ALL on her terms. Heck, I was just turning 17, that was A-OKAY with me. She made it crystal clear that if she heard one word that indicated that I had “loose lips” play time with her was over.</p>
<p>We’d get together every couple of weeks after that until I graduated HS. I kept it strictly to myself. We’d often sit together at some Sunday evening church youth program. Once the speaker was a paid import on the dangers and regrets from petting (I kid you not). She whispered to me that this was her fault because her parents had found and paid the speaker after they had read a letter another guy had sent her about their fun and games. We both softly laughted.</p>
<p>I ran into her my Junior year in college when I transferred back to UT Austin (1970). We talked a little and she said that she rarely returned home. Ultimately, at my 10th year HS reunion I found out that she had become an MD and had her practice way out of state.</p>
<p>“Mean Dads” can scare the pants off someone but it isn’t always the guy.</p>