<p>I am 22 dating a guy about 30 years older, give or take (I know, I know, over twice my age). But, we have known each other for awhile, we live together, and are bf and gf. We enjoy each others company. We have similar interests (old movies, shows, and music and he even likes modern things too). I mean I am the one subscribed to Reminisce Magazine and had to introduce him to it and one of our favorite shows are the black and white Zorro from back in the day. I like older guys and had plenty experience with different aged guys (even though this guy is the oldest ever); we even have a lot in common on personality, thoughts, and characteristics. We talk for hours. Plus, I don’t like to party or drink, so I prefer just sitting at home or going out for a nice evening and etc. Also, his family and friends know about me and etc.
Anyway, point is only a couple people know about him on my side on the social realm, people who tolerate it and are fine with it. How do I break it to my parents and other friends and family?
I am not looking for a lecture or criticism, here I just want to know how to break it as easy as possible. He is just a great guy and I don’t want to have to keep him in the back like I should be ashamed. HHEEELPPP!!!</p>
<p>If I was the parent there would be no way to do this whatsoever, that would make me feel good about it, sorry.</p>
<p>But I don’t know your parents.</p>
<p>On the other hand, you are of age and there is nothing they can do about it other than accept it and fret, is there?</p>
<p>There’s a difference between 8 years older and 30 years older, don’t you think, 'rent of 2?</p>
<p>OP, what kinds of relationships has this man had over the past 30 years? Was he married before? Long term girlfriend, etc? Does he have kids?</p>
<p>Ha! I first read your post and thought you said “30 years old” – and I couldn’t see what the huge problem was!</p>
<p>Okay, 30 years old-ER. Got it.</p>
<p>Ah heck, you just have to tell them and let them deal with it. It would be a difficult thing to adjust to as a parent, but it’s not like it’s criminal or utterly cruel and horrid or anything.</p>
<p>I agree with monydad, there may not be a “good way” to tell them. You may just have to tell them and let the messy process of coming to terms with it begin.</p>
<p>Your parents don’t already know about him, and you’re living with him?</p>
<p>Even without the huge difference in your ages, that would be enough to make this talk go badly in my family.</p>
<p>You should go into this conversation expecting your parents to have serious doubts about this relationship. And when they voice their reservations, you should do your best not to get defensive or hold it against them. On first glance, there’s a lot of reason for skepticism; you seem to know that already. But you seem to think there’s reason to be hopeful about this relationship, despite everything that would usually be a red flag. Your parents will know nothing of this, because apparently you’ve told them nothing so far. If you can win them over at all, it’s going to take a long time and a lot of evidence that this relationship is good for you.</p>
<p>You’re just going to have to lay it out there. “I have something I need to tell you about. You’re probably not going to like the way it sounds. I’m asking you to try not to rush judgment, though, because I think this is really a good thing, and I believe that if you’ll be willing to wait and see, you’ll think so too…”</p>
<p>Good luck. I think you’re going to need it.</p>
<p>I agree with Sikorsky. If one of my kids told me after the fact they were living with someone, it would be very difficult for that conversation to go well. There is a lot of information missing here – what is the nature of your relationship with your parents? Is it normal for them to not know big things about your life? It may not be a big deal or it may be, but the context of the rest of the relationship matters a lot. It’s difficult to give any advice without knowing that. Are you in school? Are you financially independent? If you are financially independent, that is a much different picture than if they are supporting you financially in any way. In some sense, your boyfriend colluded with you to keep this secret unless he told you all along to be upfront and tell them and, as a parent, that would not make a good first impression on me.</p>
<p>“In some sense, your boyfriend colluded with you to keep this secret unless he told you all along to be upfront and tell them and, as a parent, that would not make a good first impression on me.”</p>
<p>That’s certainly the way I would feel about it. I might be parentally predisposed to cut my daughter a break,she’s young, etc. But not him.</p>
<p>From a parents perspective:</p>
<p>You are a mature 22 young woman dating a 50 year old man. In so many aspects of life he has been there/done that. There are so many things you have yet to experience, or even know you want to. He may be thrilled to go that road with you…or not. You don’t know yet. You will change a great deal in the next 8 years. When you are 30 you will look back and think how much you’ve changed, matured, grown as a person. Your then 60 year old partner will not have changed much. Will you have the same level of compatibility? Have you talked about children? It is an early topic for someone of 22, however you are living together so perhaps not. You may want to wait to start a family, which is understandable. When you are 28 and he’s in his mid 50’s, will he be willing to start a family? Does he already have children from a previous relationship? If so, have you met them and how is your relationship with them? How do they feel about their father having a much younger girlfriend? Having ‘disapproval’ from nearly grown children can have a much greater impact long term than you can imagine.</p>
<p>These are very practical things you have to consider, and may very well be concerns of your parents. They may actually like your partner, find him a wonderful man, compassionate, caring, and intelligent. This does not always equate to someone they feel is a good match for their daughter. You are an adult and have found a partner you are committed to. That is no small thing. Understand that your parents may have initial reservations. If you have not had some of the above discussions with your partner, you may want to do so before you speak to your parents. If they ask about these things it will go smoother if you have already talked with your partner. If they don’t like the answer at least they will respect that you are being mature and thinking about things other than the immediate.</p>
<p>Keep in mind an initial ‘disapproval’ may soften considerably with a bit of time based on how you react. If you become angry and tell them you are an adult and don’t need their approval, end of conversation, this may close a door. If you find resistance and meet it with understanding and a willingness to let them have their opinion, without drawing a line in the sand, they are more likely to come to the conclusion that you are their daughter, they love you, and right now this is the person in your life.</p>
<p>One of my family members was like you, but a few years old. She ended up marrying her much older man and having a child. Her H was 55 when their son was born. And later, passed away when the son was early 20’s.</p>
<p>It was fine…at first. He was still pretty vibrant, but by the time their child was in elementary school, he was in a different world, age-wise. He was already a grandfather to several kids and it didn’t get better.</p>
<p>As a parent, I would be concerned that you are missing out on peer relationships of people your own age. May not be a big issue now, but believe me, people do change.</p>
<p>If I was your mom, I would probably blow the gasket that you moved in with him before I even knew. Perhaps if I knew ahead of time, I would see it differently. You didn’t give them the courtesy to let them know, and now it’s going to be that much more complicated.</p>
<p>Best of luck.</p>
<p>I don’t think there’s a reason to immediately start calculating how old he’ll be when the kids start school. It could just be an interesting and positive relationship for now. Later is later. Honestly, I think I’d be more worried if my daughter was 22 and living with anybody and already thinking about marriage, kids, and the whole nine yards. Relationships at 22 are often (and with justification) not the relationship a person is still in 10 years down the road.</p>
<p>Anyway, I think the situation is more fraught for the man in this situation if we’re looking at the long-haul.</p>
<p>I agree that your parents may blow a gasket at first though… if gasket-blowing is something to which they’re inclined. ;)</p>
<p>Old Cary Grant movie?</p>
<p>I’d invest in life insurance, you be the owner and beneficiary, and spouse the insured.</p>
<p>If you are self-supporting and mature, why should you be afraid to introduce your partner to your family? On the other hand, if this older man is supporting you financially or if there are other aspects of the relationship you are not comfortable telling your parents, you should ask yourself whether you’re really as OK with it as you say you are.</p>
<p>I don’t know what you ultimately expect out of the relationship and how long term you imagine your connection to be (marriage? children?). I have noticed from observation of similar unions in my family history that health issues related to aging take a major toll on such May/December unions. While marriage is always a gamble, you are really upping the chances that you will be bound to someone much sicker and more disabled than you will be. This may affect your ability to enjoy the kind of future you may envision, including your ability to raise children together. Just something to think about.</p>
<p>followup on NJSue;</p>
<p>I’d also suggest purchasing LTC insurance.</p>
<p>So much about this depends on your culture and your relationship with your parents. For example, in my family, we would be extremely unhappy if our DDs were living with any significant other. That is our family culture, the age would be a second troubling fact.</p>
<p>If you and your BF are intentionally keeping a secret, then it makes you both APPEAR duplicitous, immature, and disrespectful. If you feel that the relationship will continue and you are ready to tell your parents, I almost think I would continue a bit long with the hiding and not mention the huge step of moving in together in the first contact. Just share the fact of an older BF.</p>
<p>Try to seek out and understand what their concerns might be so you can be mentally prepared and not defensive.</p>
<p>If my DD was dating an older man, and one of mine dated a man we later found out was 35 when she was 20- he did not seem or appear to be that old, I would wonder what was wrong with the older guy? How is it that he did not mature such that he wanted to be with his peers, people who have shared his life experiences? If you are very mature I can see your side, but what is his side?</p>
<p>In the same way that I got married at 20 and am still married 30 years later, but don’t recommend that for my DDs; I think there is the possibility that he is a wonderful man and fantastic life partner and that it can all work out well for you…maybe. On the other hand, I would rather see my DD exploring the world with her peers. </p>
<p>And it truly sounds lousy, but getting old kinda stinks, I am nearly 50 and am surprised by the limitations of aging, the minor aches & pains, the lower energy or stamina levels, etc. As my Dh and I make adjustments now, I am not sure I would have been so understanding at 25-35!.</p>
<p>If you were my DD I would try to respect your choices, but I would not feel good about it. I would feel like you did not really understand all the ramifications of your choice</p>
<p>I think some posters are putting more of a positive spin on this relationship than it likely has. We need to know more from OP about the psychology of her and the older guy before getting that deep. </p>
<p>Skeptical gal from the “been there, done that” camp.</p>
<p>I would be very upset for the very obvious reasons. When you are 30 he will be 60…when you are 40, he will be 70. Its not so much fun being with someone who wants to nap so to speak, when you are in your prime.</p>
<p>They will have a million questions. It’s hard to believe you were dating someone that you were serious enough about to move in with and they don’t know about his existance so you best start at the beginning when you do broach the subject. Why are you “keeping him in the back” would be my first question. The “living together” is enough to rattle many a parent let along a 30 year age difference. If you are living with him, be prepared to answer the questions and your friend best be prepared to answer questions also.</p>
<p>I am wondering if ashaa’s BF is a prof…</p>
<p>No, it’s not our business, but I wonder if that is why it was kept from the folks?</p>
<p>The mantra in my family is generally that if you have to worry about telling your folks about it, you probably aren’t mature enough to be doing whatever it is. That isn’t to say we never do something our parents would disapprove of, but if we are going to do it we are grown and mature enough to not need their approval. I would evaluate what exactly it is you are concerned about and why you have these concerns. If deep down you were secure with this relationship I don’t know why you would feel you have to ask for advice about how to break the news. You are either a grown woman capable of making her own relationship choices or you’re not. My guess is that there isn’t going to be a good way to tell them this that isn’t going to get them upset, because not only is this not the relationship most parents would pick for their daughters, but you are living with a man they don’t know about. But, at least in my opinion, if you are mature enough to be doing this you are mature enough to not need their approval. So just tell them and let them react however they want.</p>
<p>My father did what you propose.
He’s 90, she’s now 62, mom is 93, my bro is 65, and I’m 60,</p>
<p>She doesn’t have much of clue or life experience in the our family. She’s also a dunce.</p>