Don’t let your parents use WhatsApp.
https://www.buzzfeed.com/pranavdixit/older-indians-drive-millennials-crazy-on-whatsapp-this-is
S2 is about to move overseas; I’m paying attention here!
Kid just texted, “Hi from Thailand.” Sigh… In the past year, this nomadic lady visited Georgia (the country), Ukraine, Taiwan, and Greece… Now Thailand!!! Sigh.
Bunsen, that would be my kid. She’s lived in Georgia (the country), Turkey and Indonesia. We never know where we would get random texts from,because she takes a lot of weekend trips to different countries.
Welcome to the I-generation. This is what we’ve created. Sigh.
I remember when my kids were little and hesitant to join in. Especially my son. He’d sit on my lap for the entire playgroup. My philosophy parenting has always been to be patient, let them cling as they need to and when they’re confident enough they’ll go it alone. I had a velcro monkey for quite a long time. The way I look at it is we are their security blankets, or touchstones. I get why she’d touch base so much, as long as she doesn’t feel she needs to for your sake. I wouldn’t say a word and when she’s ready she’ll cut back.
I question whether it makes sense for the parents to always be the ones who dictate the terms of their relationships with their children, especially grown children. Maybe the child should have some say, too.
Shortly after I started my first full-time job, I asked my father tor advice about a matter involving banking. He told me that I should not ask him such things; he said I was old enough to figure them out for myself. I was offended. Why should he be the one to decide whether it was appropriate for me to ask for advice? Shouldn’t I have some say?
I never asked him for advice again. Ever. For the rest of his life. I didn’t want to be turned down again. He sometimes volunteered advice, and sometimes that advice was valuable, but I never solicited it. Now, decades later, I wonder what insights into adult life, career development, marriage, and child-rearing I might have been able to get from my father if only I had felt free to ask for them.
Interesting post. But I do think that OP’s situation is different. OP is just suggesting that he return messages when convenient, not on-demand for minor matters dozens of times per day.
@Marian: Part of the beauty of College Confidential for adults/parents is that we get cathartic moments about our past like you have so graciously shared above.
Thank you @Publisher. I realize that my post was a little off-topic. But I’ve tried to remember what happened with my father when my kids have done things that led me to feel that they were being too dependent or too young for their age. Sometimes, whether or not to be independent should be their choice.
My son chose to go to college less than an hour from home, largely because he didn’t feel comfortable going further away. At that time, he wasn’t ready to fly far from the nest. Four years later, shortly after graduation, he moved to the opposite side of the country, and he has lived there ever since, with almost no help or advice from anyone. At 22, he was ready for a degree of independence that wasn’t right for him at 18. And he knew it.
At 26, my daughter (and her fiance) asked me to help them plan their wedding. I felt a little uncomfortable doing this (and not just because I was as ignorant of wedding planning as they were). I wondered, “Shouldn’t they be doing this on their own? Would it be wrong for me to help?” But I went along with what they wanted, and I was actively involved in the wedding planning process with them for more than a year. What I did not realize is that during the same period of time, they were also shopping for a house. They handled the entire process of finding, buying, financing, and furnishing a house on their own, with no guidance from anyone in the older generation. They were comfortable with one project but not the other, and they had enough sense to ask for support for the one where they did not feel confident.
I think that quite a lot of the time, my kids’ instincts are good. Perhaps better than mine. I’m glad I haven’t always dictated the terms of our interactions.
I liked Marian’s comment, probably because it brought back memories for me.
My parents offered no advice about colleges, career, taxes, etc. I was audited while in grad school, and the IRS agent told me to get an accountant, because I wasn’t taking deductions. So, for years I offered help with son’s taxes. My son rarely asks for help, so I’m pleased to do what I can.
Thinking of parents, my dad liked going car shopping with me. My mom adored helping with big party planning.
The first time my son was on a teen tour, I got expensive long distance calls the first night. Years later, he loves to travel. As so many posters say, they reach out when they need to.
For all the posters saying that this mom should just be grateful and happy that her daughter wants to be in touch, I don’t think @brantly ever said she wasn’t. However, if we don’t teach our young adults about proper boundaries then who will? Boundaries protect healthy relationships.
@WWC4me EXACTLY.
This is a fantastic/scary new learning experience for her. Don’t let one of the things she learns be that you aren’t always there for her. It doesn’t take much time or effort for you to respond and if it makes her feel close to you and home, why discourage it? I don’t think it’s a personality flaw that needs to be addressed.
She knows I’m there for her. But there are different ways of being there for her. Responding to texts and calls as questions and observations occur to her in real time all day long is not foundational for “being there.” We can talk every day or every other day, and I’m always available 24/7 when she’s in real distress.
@brantly have things let up in the past month with all the texts?
@suzyQ7 Thanks for asking. It waxes and wanes. At first she was playing the passive-aggressive card saying that she was “afraid” to call me. Then she got into a rhythm of bunching up all the things she wanted to tell me and doing it in one call every other day or so. Sometimes there’s leakage, and I get ongoing texts. I have taken the advice here. I don’t reply immediately. I reply to all the texts once or twice a day.
S2 just moved to Eastern Europe over the weekend. Has been whatsapp-ing me more for my benefit than his. I sned him pics of the new dog. We both get what we need. Because he’s near a conflict zone, he understands that he needs to stay in closer contact than otherwise. However, I have no illusions that I’ll be getting multiple texts a day after the initial settle-in/tie-up-loose-ends period. In fact, haven’t heard from him today!