<p>Need some advice so sorry for the long post. DD graduated from college a year ago in May and has been living and working in the city where her college is is since then. This fall she got her own single story townhouse apartment so she and her dog could give living alone a try. Last month a slightly older guy moved into the one behind her. She has been friendly with the neighbors so when out walking the dog would talk to him. He went to the same college and they compared notes. </p>
<p>All was going well until this past weekend. She came home Friday after work and he had left a note on her door indicating he liked her. She was in a hurry to go out so did not really pay attention to it. Then Saturday when she got home from work there was an 8 page letter from the guy saying she was the one for him and girls that went to their college needed older men since the boys were immature. It was rambling and had a number of inappropriate things in it. She freaked out and left to stay the night with friends. </p>
<p>Yesterday she was afraid to go back to her apartment so she took the letter to the police. They said since there were no threats in it they could not do anything, but they stopped by to talk to him. He apparently knew they stopped by because of the letter. Now she is not sure if that made it worse or better and is still afraid to go back. She doesn’t know if he is just awkward or dangerous but even her normally overly friendly dog did not like him. </p>
<p>She has work obligations until she comes home for Christmas. She wants to call the landlord but is not sure what to say. Doesn’t want to move but is afraid to stay. She is staying on a friend’s futon right now but that can’t last long. I’m not sure what advice to give her. Any ideas?</p>
<p>Was his letter threatening in any way? Or scary and delusional? Or was it “only” immature and infatuated? If the latter, perhaps if she has a calm conversation with him explaining her feelings, he’ll back off.</p>
<p>Hopefully you will get some good advice from some of the psych professionals on the forum. I’m not one of them but just wanted to say that I’m sorry she (and you) have to deal with this! Also, I am not an expert but I think having the police talk to him was a good thing. From what I have heard about this kind of situation, it is good to be blunt and to the point with an individual like this. The fact that he knew that they came because of the letter indicates that it isn’t just social awkwardness that led him to leave it on her door. If that had been the case, he would have been confused as to the reason for the police’s visit.</p>
<p>I would also suggest that your D look into getting a can of mace. Living in a city alone is reason enough.</p>
<p>I think it is time to talk to the landlord and look for a new apartment. I doubt she will ever be comfortable there; I wouldn’t. And will you be comfortable with her there?</p>
<p>My first instinct would be to get my daughter out, but…she is going to have to deal with unwanted advances from men her whole life. She can’t always up and move. I’d write back and say “sorry, not interested” and see if he moves on. She has to be completely clear on this and not leave an opening. However, if she feels at all threatened, she should go back to the police.</p>
<p>Very glad she has a dog. Also recommend mace and maybe some self-defense training…not just for this guy, but in general.</p>
<p>I think the circumstances that: “there was an 8 page letter from the guy saying she was the one for him and girls that went to their college needed older men since the boys were immature. It was rambling and had a number of inappropriate things in it” </p>
<p>is extreme enough that it warrants a move away.</p>
<p>If this were my daughter my red flag would have shot straight up. It doesn’t matter if going to the police made it worse or not. What matters is what she read made her to go to police. I think that speaks volumes. I think he showed two points of irrationality just with the info provided. One, he wrote a short note (and claims maturity in his letter) and he didn’t even give her ample time to respond before he penned the New Testament. </p>
<p>I can’t say what I would tell my own daughter. Mace…yes. Maybe install a security system? We are from deep in the heart of Texas so my response (and I am not trying to start a debate) is that I would remind my daughter to make sure her gun had bullets (because she will have a handgun when she lives on her own and is already well trained to use it) and to make sure she visits the range to keep up her skills. Crazy people are everywhere. And make sure the books The Gift of Fear and the Psychopath Next Door are on her reading list.</p>
<p>Way back in the day my DH courted me via letters. We met right before I was departing and he followed me through the mail! Long, long letters. And I really didn’t know him well. But they worked! Married 33 years now. </p>
<p>That said, I’d no doubt freak out if my DD received an 8-page letter from a man living hear her. Different era.</p>
<p>OP, is it possible to go stay with her for a bit?</p>
<p>I am not sure what you should do in the longterm, but I would suggest that she gets protection in the short-term. Could she stay with a friend?</p>
<p>I think someone needs to assess if he is a real threat to her, and how to proceed. As someone suggested, perhaps one of the psyche people on CC could weigh-in on how to do this.</p>
<p>I am very sorry. This is so upsetting and unfair.</p>
<p>Surprised that no one has suggested these: </p>
<p>(1) check your local sex offender registry (if your state has one) and see if he’s listed.
(2) check with your college to see if he really is an alum.</p>
<p>I have no doubt he poses a risk, regardless of what results you find . . . but it’s worth knowing if the risk is even greater than what you already suspect.</p>
<p>And I think the OP’s daughter probably should move - quickly and quietly and with no advance notice that could trigger the neighbor’s sense of urgency . . . unless she can stay elsewhere until she moves, and have someone always with her at the apartment at those times when she has to be there to pack. (Yes, even if she asks the landlord not to say anything about her plans, the landlord may fail to cooperate.)</p>
<p>And she should get a P.O. Box and have all mail forwarded there, for the time being, and not to her new address . . . for obvious reasons.</p>
<p>And I agree . . . this is unfair, and moving will probably cost her money she can’t afford right now. But if that extra expense buys her some peace of mind and the knowledge that she is safe in her own home, then it’s money well spent.</p>
<p>Thanks for support. She is on a lease so needs to discuss with landlord about moving or else try to find a subletter. None of her freinds have extra space for a longer term stay. I’m sure about a week would be about it, and she has the dog to consider in their apartment when she goes to work. </p>
<p>She did not read the letter to me but the police thought it was inappropriate enough to visit him. He can see her apartment out his back window and can see when she comes and goes from her car and side door. She did not have a front door key so she is going to see if the landlord will proivde one or rekey the lock and see about parking elsewhere if she goes back. She is also considering having friends go home with her. </p>
<p>I’ll talk to her again today. For now she is with a friend but needs to go to work tomrrow and leave the dog. It would be best if the dog was in their apartment instead of the friends while she was gone. </p>
<p>I am trying to figure out how to get there if she wants. I am on travel now and then having family come in before Christmas. </p>
<p>Agree it is not fair. She is the one that has to deal with the logistics of moving because even if he were evicted, he knows where she lives. Things were going so well before this. I will add the books to her Kindle.</p>
<p>concernedmom12 - Please read my post above about the potential risk of discussing a planned move with her landlord. (We cross-posted, so you may have missed it.)</p>
<p>Also, kennel the dog if necessary, or have someone accompany her whenever she returns to the apartment.</p>
<p>And I don’t understand about the missing front door key - but yes, if she’s not moving out immediately, that should be taken care of!</p>
<p>I would check not only the sex offender website but other public-access court records for your state if you can (ours is called “CCAP”).</p>
<p>Also, if she does move out, she should not let her guard down until this guy moves on to someone else. Even with an unpublished address, he might be able to find her if he wants to.</p>
<p>Good luck–this has to be beyond unsettling, both for her and for you.</p>
<p>dodgersmom, we did cross post and I sent her note to call me before talking to landlord. However, I’m not sure how she can do this without talking to him. Her lease goes to August. She has furnished her apartment so woud have a lot to move. </p>
<p>She is having someone go with her when she is back there. She did check school and he is alum and he is not on any registry. She is doing the PO box today, thanks for the suggestion. Her temporary roommate is being a doll. She is letting the dog stay there while DD works and letting DD stay there a long as she wants.</p>
<p>I’m certainly no expert - but ran into something creepy years ago, and basically the police told me there was nothing they could do unless the person actually DID something. Isn’t that a little late? Geez.</p>
<p>Anyway, my husband, who knows more about these things than I do says, yes - she should contact the police, contact the landlord, tell everyone she can think of. Get his background checked out 9 ways to Sunday. Know everything she can. Move if she can. But make it clear in no uncertain terms that she wants NO kind of relationship and that she EXPECTS him to leave her alone. She should not be “nice”. She should be very frank, very blunt and leave absolutely no room for misunderstanding.</p>
<p>My daughter is one of those people that is just nice. She doesn’t want to be rude. She would talk to strangers if they talk to her. And of course, you don’t want to walk around being fearful of everything or unpleasant, but a woman alone has to be savvy and street-smart about making friends. She waited tables, and was nice to a guy at a table one time, made conversation and wound up with a stalker. Obviously, you shouldn’t be rude if you’re waiting tables - but she learned through this experience to keep things “professional” instead of friendly…not give out personal information or discuss her thoughts or feelings with strangers. It happened again when she got her first apartment alone. Made friends with a neighbor who then stole everything in her apartment. You have to be so careful. </p>
<p>I don’t know what kind of dog she got, but may I suggest a rottweiler? Also the mace is a good idea, and depending on your daughter’s geographic location and temperment - maybe consider a CHL and a gun.</p>
<p>A good PI can do most of what everyone suggested here and a background check, if the police cannot help you. I would want to know where this person works and have him followed. If the guy was on any registry list, you would think that the police would have notified her already. The worst thing she can do is communicate in any way, shape or form with this person. Stalkers/sociopaths have grandiose ideas in their heads and any contact can be misread. Anyone who would write a letter like this without knowing someone is probably a sociopath or mentally ill and at the very least desperately lonely and delusional. Get your plan ready and then act.</p>
<p>I’d be looking at two things: her short term safety, and her long term mental health. I don’t think that buying a gun or encouraging her to live in fear is constructive. In one of my jobs I occasionally encounter young women who are ludicrously paranoid. They are even afraid of me: a well-dressed, middle-aged, middle-class woman with official photo id hanging around my neck, about whose pending visit they have received an “official” letter. I wouldn’t want to live like that.</p>
<p>It seems to me that she did the right thing in taking the letter to the police. The likelihood is that this guy will back off and she will hear no more from him. I don’t think that SHE should talk to him any further. (At one point when I was living in an apartment with a roommate who have opposite hours, so that I was almost always there alone in the evenings, I had a “heavy breather” caller. He’d call right after I set foot in the house, so it was clear that he could tell when I got home. After several calls, instead of just hanging up, I yelled at him “Stop this! If you call me again, I am going to the police!” He never called again.) The question his, how will she feel living there, knowing that he can observe her comings and goings? In this particular case, I think that moving would be a reasonable option. If she wants to move, though, it is important that she not feel like she is a weak, vulnerable female who has to flee whenever some guy bothers her. (That’s an exaggeration, but you know what I mean. I think.) You want her to be able to view this as an aberration in her life, not a pattern.</p>
<p>Also, I don’t know what kind of dog she has, but getting a breed viewed as “dangerous” is not a good idea. Not only will it likely be useless in protecting her unless it–and she–is trained, but their are breed-specific laws and restrictions that would likely prevent her from being able to rent and get insurance down the road. The best thing a dog can do to avert crime is bark.</p>
<p>Consolation makes good points. I don’t agree on every one of them, but good points nonetheless.</p>
<p>The point I agree the most with is the idea that your daughter needs to feel powerful. She can’t live in fear, or become a “victim”. She needs to be the “take charge of your life” kind of person. So, whatever she has to do to take care of business, just do it confidently - if that means to move, or to stay, to take a self defense course, whatever it is - feel strong in those decisions and activities.</p>
<p>Thanks again everyone. It helps to have some affirmation of what we were discussing. She has no intention of communicating with him unless he approaches her and she tells him to leave. Her dog is a 10 lb terrier mix - looks like Toto. Not very fierce. And he usually loves everyone. She is going to stay with the friend to take time to figure out how she feels, change mail to PO box and explore moving. She sounded better today. The policewoman gave her her cell phone number to call anytime she needed help. </p>
<p>She is strong and self assured, and unfortunately friendly. She is taking stock of how she comes across and communicates and that is good. But she does not seem to me to be becoming “victimized” yet. I’ll be talking to her regularly to support her decisions and give her some of the ideas you have suggested. To keep her powerful, though, they have to be her decisions. It is hard being mom this far away.</p>