<p>I would leave ALL MY assumptions behind. I would trust the way my D. feels. If she has a slightest feeling of fear even if it is completely unwarranted or, I would remove my kid (even if it was a boy) from surroundings that cause this discomfort. I would not ask many questions about it, I would go with what my kid is telling me.</p>
<p>There’s unwanted sexual attention that all women on earth endure, and then there is being afraid in your own home. I would have had my daughter out the next day.</p>
<p>If she’s still there, and he can still see her coming and going, tell her to try to not stick to a schedule – that just makes it easier for him to find her. </p>
<p>He’s renting from an entirely different person, correct? I wonder (this would be a real reach) if your daughter’s landlord knows creepy guy’s landlord. D shows her landlord the 8 page letter; he has a little chat with CG’s landlord, and if by some miracle, CG’s lease is up soon, and somehow, it doesn’t get renewed. So CG would have to move – not your D. </p>
<p>Magical thinking…</p>
<p>Even if creepy guy moved, he’d still know where your D lives now. I wouldn’t want my D to have someone who sent an 8-page creepy letter to me to know where I live. There are just too many nuts out there these days. I would really get my kiddo moved right away & work out things with landlord afterwards.</p>
<p>The guy went too far with the letter–no question.</p>
<p>So a question for everyone who thinks the young woman immediately needs to move: let’s take another scenario, where she has brought a date home for a drink or coffee or whatever. He tries to go too far (saying and/or trying “inappropriate” things), she rebuffs his advances, and he leaves. He is now in the same category as the creepy neighbor. Should the young woman move?</p>
<p>I am only asking the question because I think women need to be smart about both their actions and their reactions–and to feel empowered to control their own situations as much as they can.</p>
<p>Actually, it’s creepier and took more effort to write and leave an 8-page missive to someone you only met once before. Especially when you can see the person coming and going EVERY DAY. Agree it’s important not to over-react but also try to figure out the correct response. Don’t know what was in the letter, but it was enough to get the police to visit the neighbor. Don’t know that the police go to someone who wants to go too far after a date. To me, there is a difference. You also choose your dates and have choice about whether you invite them to your home or not.</p>
<p>The daughter did not meet this guy only “once before.” My understanding from the original post is that they have chitchatted over time for a while.</p>
<p>OK, I stand corrected. Re-read and they do appear to have chit chatted, but still it is interesting that the police felt the 8-page letter warranted a visit to his place. Police are an objective source and tend not to get involved if they don’t believe the situation merits attention. Police do not usually follow up on dates who try to go too far.</p>
<p>The creepy part is his insistence that a casual acquaintance is “the one” for him.</p>
<p>Can’t edit as I’m on my phone. I wanted to add, it’s really important not to rationalize fear away. OP’s daughter is afraid. That’s important.</p>
<p>Snowdog, I totally agree.</p>
<p>My 23 year old daughter had a not dissimilar experience but in a different context. She works as a personal trainer and spinning instructor both at a high end gym and at a spinning studio. At the gym, an older male in his early 60’s took her spinning class and started appearing wherever my daughter happened to be at the gym - at her spinning classes, near her on the gym floor etc. He gave her inappropriate notes and said inappropriate things including comments on his likes about saunas, suggesting she should use the sauna, commenting that she had not had the opportunity to shower between a spinning class and working with a client on the floor. Then, he started showing up for her classes at the spinning studio. He left her a note with his cell phone number so that she could “call him” if her classes ever cancelled. He showed up at a spinning class she did in a neighboring state when the gym openned a facility there. It really began to creep her out and her co-workers at the gym all commented that they were observing what he was doing and something was “off”. She complained to management at the gym who was unresponsive since nothing had overtly “crossed the line”, whatever that means. I was going to directly intervene with the guy on a level and in a manner that would have communicated very clearly his need to stay away from her for his own well being but my daughter asked me not to because she knew that when it comes to her well being, I tend to be, well, “reactive” and she was concerned both about me getting arrested and there being blow back at her job. So we ended up discussing strategies to enable her to shut down his behavior. What finally turned the trick, though, was when the owner of the spinning studio pulled the guy aside and told him in no uncertain terms that he was not to take any of my daughter’s classes at either location and that his behavior had made her very uncomfortable.</p>
<p>I can really relate to the OP’s distress. Watching your child indistress because of this type of harassment is very tough, particularly when it falls into a grey area where the conduct may not be legally actionable but has risen to a level that is obvious and stress inducing. Without being in the OP’s shoes and knowing all of the details, it’s tough to recommend a course of action beyond just documenting every incident that occurs and reporting anything that crosses the line to the police. I would also suggest that the OP and her daughter speak to a local attorney who knows the local police and local state law on harassment and therefore can provide guidance on how to best document any untoward behavior and navigate the system.</p>
<p>A lawyer is a good idea especially as someone who could negotiate with the landlord if he starts giving her a hard time about breaking the lease.</p>
<p>Thanks again for advice. I was able to talk to DD some more. The police told him to leave her alone. He tried to downplay meaning of the letter but they told him in no uncertain terms that they had read it and it was inapproproate. She has not stayed there since but has gone back with a friend to get clothes, check mail and frig. There have been no more notes or attempts at contact. She is working with a local women’s defense person for her next action. </p>
<p>Some might have missed that she is 24 and working. One of the hardest things about parenting this age is that you cannot swoop in and do what is not requested. I cannot move her or make her do what she does not want to do. I have relayed many of your kind suggestions. She will take action as she sees fit. I have offered to come to her. She has not taken me up on it yet. She did not even call me until she had managed the first couple of days herself, including staying with friends and managing the police. They grow up and all we can do is be there to support them, give them what advice is solicited and pray a lot. Wings and roots.</p>
<p>concernedmom12, it is tough when they’re that age, but it sounds like you have raised a sensible young woman.</p>
<p>Concernedmom,
How long ago was the visit from the police?</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>This seems excessive. The attorney’s fees would likely exceed whatever cost she’d incur in breaking the lease. Leases are broken all the time - tenant moves out, landlord finds new tenant, old tenant is off the hook, and life goes on.</p>
<p>Op–</p>
<p>does your daughter have a nice, big, male friend who could make himself obviously present for a while? And could your daughter maybe buy herself a large cubic zirconia ring?</p>
<p>I am thinking that maybe if this creep realizes that she is “already taken” he will back down and take his interest elsewhere.</p>
<p>The sad thing is that people like him–obviously desperate for a relationship–don’t have the vaguest idea of how to go about having one in real life.</p>