<p>They’d been dating almost 2yrs. She’s a sophomore in college this fall, 7hrs away, the distance and other emotional issues contributed to break-up. I know they’re young and life goes on. Abrupt end though, she called and said it’s done and wants nothing to do with him anymore. He’s a very nice young man, and I miss him. It’s just so sad to turn him out of our lives this way, but out of respect for her I won’t have any contact. Thoughts?</p>
<p>Let it go and don’t ever bring it up again unless she brings it up first. Even then, just be there to listen and act as a sounding board.</p>
<p>Be glad she chose someone whom you liked and trusted; figure there will be more in the future. You’re right that it undermines her to contact him, and he’ll be only terribly confused by what to do with such an overture. </p>
<p>When you next see him, if you do, on campus just by chance, (this happened to me after their breakups) just extended a hand and say, warmly, “I miss you.” By then it’ll be some time past all the raw feelings. One surprised me back and said, “I miss you, too…” and that was all the acknowledgement I ever needed to know for a lifetime that there had been a valuable relationship at that point in their lives and I was a small piece of it.</p>
<p>It’s a loss, but if their breakup was sudden you can’t really know what’s behind it she’s not telling you. Don’t say anything bad about him because they might re-couple and you’ll regret anything negative.</p>
<p>Sounding board, bobble-head like on the back of the car dashboard, is the support she needs. I know you feel the loss, but there’s nothing to do about it but feel sad.</p>
<p>zfam,</p>
<p>I felt the same way when d and her BF of 2 years broke up (or sort of broke up-- the situation is still evolving). I think I was sadder than she was. Ex is a nice young man who I liked alot. I liked his family too. </p>
<p>Allow yourself to be sad. He was a part of your life too (I know d’s bf spent a lot time at my house, frequently ate meals here and even helped me occasionally with some outdoor chores, like shoveling the snow in the driveway.) and missing him is pretty normal.</p>
<p>Do resist the urge to meddle, though.</p>
<p>Edited to add I agree w/ paying3tuitions…</p>
<p>Do resist the urge to keep in touch with him. It’s been thirty years since my brother in law broke up with his high school girlfriend. He’s married with two children and my mother in law still talks about the high school girlfriend with whom she exchanges Christmas and birthday cards. It is frustrating for both my brother in law and his wife.</p>
<p>When our oldest daughter broke up with her boyfriend ( 2 back actually ) We were all a little sad. We didn’t even tell our youngest daughter right away because we knew she would take it hard…and she did take it very hard.
It seemed weird too, because even though we knew that their relationship was not going to last forever, and the distance between them geographically would eventually break them up, we still really missed him. He was like a member of our family.</p>
<p>She since has had two boyfriends at college and we never really warmed to them, though we keep our mouths shut.
I wish she would just keep things light and just casually date for awhile !!</p>
<p>zfam - we are currently going through the same thing. We spent a lot of time with this boy and he became (what seemed like) part of our family. He stopped by for the first time since the break-up last week (he’s in school locally and D is 6 hours away). He stayed for two hours and talked and talked. We DO care about him and have warm feelings towards him and it is hard to let him go and act as if we don’t. Since ex and D broke up on “good terms” (D broke up with him because she wants to really invest herself in campus life), we are okay with keeping in touch with him and so is D. I’m not sure if that will change, I think D has to be the one who directs the issue. Singersmom makes a good point though, at some point we will have to let him go. They are still breaking up though, so at this point we’re still okay. </p>
<p>I’ve been married for 20 years and still keep in touch (via email/phone a few times a year) with a guy I dated in college. I think we stayed friends because our break up was more circumstantial and I am hoping that my D and her ex can have the same type of relationship. I feel your pain, and am glad that our D is still happy about our contact with her ex. We do not initiate contact with him, but my other children will comment his facebook and he will text them every once in a while. I think things are still winding down and who knows where they will go. It is sad though.</p>
<p>How does your D feel about continued contact? </p>
<p>paying3tuitions advice seems right on.</p>
<p>Oh boy can I relate. Unfortunately the break up in our D’s life came as an out of the blue shock when the boyfriend dumped her within days of declaring his undying love for her. Then the boy sent mixed signals in the weeks following, and the wound has been re-opened three times by his getting in contact with her. Thankfully D now has cut off all contact, trying to “move on,” but I am having a hard time as she is a freshman and along with missing this boy who was essentially a member of our family (as well as his WHOLE family whom we loved too), missing all her friends who were constant figures in our home for all those years, I am going through desperate sadness over missing D after having HER in our household and mothering her for 18+ years.</p>
<p>Just be thankful that your D did the dumping and know that any contact you have with the boy could (and proabably will be) miscontrued as “hope”, especially if he was not wanting the break up or was caught off guard by it. The kindest thing you can do(for the boy) if you care about him as it seems you do, is keep your sadness to yourself. I also think that sometimes in these matters our children are testing whether they are with someone for the “right” reasons, like “Do I like them because I like them or because everyone I know tells me they are the ‘right’ person for me?” If you are harboring any hope that they will reunite, your best chance is to let your D actually miss him on her own and know that you support HER first and foremost. My D’s ex’s parents blew that all in a BIG way and that has closed the door for the forseable future, quite possibly forever…so sad. :(</p>
<p>You never know. My daughter dated someone in high school who I liked quite a bit – but she called it off. They stayed friends, hung out in the same group throughout high school, and even, at one point, dated each other’s best friends. Fast forward three years. This summer they realized they both still have feelings for each other, and are now back together, albeit long distance and in sort of a “wait and see” mode. Who knows what will happen from here?</p>
<p>I completely agree with NoDoOver that sometimes kids test the waters to determine if what they feel for the BF/GF is deep and mostly independent of external circumstances, or too much influenced by a variable life situation (such as being in the same activity or classes at school) or by others’ opinions. This is a good thing.</p>
<p>With 4 Ds, plus one niece whom we’ve raised, we’ve been through this more than once. It’s difficult but I agree with the others that it’s important for you to respect your D and not be in touch with the ex. Who knows what the future holds for them but as of now, your responsibility is to your D. It’s possible that as things unfold, you will learn a bit more about their relationship and the reasons for the break-up (as I did). Things are sometimes not exactly as we parents perceive them to be. In any case, be supportive to and available for your D. Even if your D is the one who ended the relationship, she will still need support and may need to talk to you once the initial raw feelings have subsided.</p>
<p>My daughter also dated someone in high school that I liked a lot. His mom also adored my daughter. But she called it off. My only advice to her was to stay friends and they are still friends. They still hang out together.</p>
<p>Starting in high school, I dated a guy off and on for several years. Our break up was mutual. He would stop by and visit my mom from time to time (I was no longer living at home). She always appreciated his visits. Hey, I really liked him so it would stand to reason that she would like him too and miss him. It didn’t bother me at all that he would stop over, although she never initiated contact.</p>
<p>Ha Ha - She finally told me to stop bringing boys home until I was engaged - she was done with getting attached to them and then when we broke up she never got to see them again!</p>
<p>ABSOLUTELY don’t contact the boy! That would be disrespectful to your daughter until she works through this on her own. Plus, do you know why she acted so abruptly? Has he been cheating on her? Maybe he dumped her? You don’t say that you know the whole story…PS…do not contact his mother about the breakup either! (Unless you are good friends outside their relationship!)</p>
<p>my DH had a long time GF in HS/college, when he broke up with her he was still away at college, she was back home and she worked for his parents business. She virtually moved into his bedroom since it was closer to the work site than her home. </p>
<p>She became “their daughter” and over 30 years later they talk about her that way. Family vacation include her, etc. There was about 10 years where we excused ourselves several times to avoid vacationing with her and her family.</p>
<p>I was several girl friends later, so it did not bug me, but it drives my DH crazy, he broke up with her for a reason. It also bugs other family members, but te in laws are completely oblivious that any one could have an issue with it. Mom & Dad thought the kids would get married and could not let go, it was a sick and wrong and hurtful decision, so be gracious, civil, polite, but do put a little distance into the mix.</p>
<p>Thank you all so much for your thoughtful insight and advice. Good stuff. No contact with him and my daughter knows I’m here for her. I do appreciate your words of wisdom.</p>
<p>Agree with all but want to add that you should not in any way tell your daughter how traumatized you are by her breakup. I get where you are coming from but it is all about her now, not you. Twenty seven years ago my boyfriend of five years and I broke up. It was the most devastating thing that had ever happened to me (at the time). I thought he was “it”. My mother was devastated and unable to counsel or support me. I still remember her “trying to cope”. I felt even worse because of that.</p>
<p>seiclan, I can remember when I broke up with one of my bfs, my mother and brother both kept asking me why…for another three years!!</p>
<p>I think some mothers revisit their own youth when their daughters start to date, and if they’re not careful, can attempt to live vicariously through their daughters’ love life. My friend’s mother told her D that if she were younger, she’d give her a run for her money, meaning she’d compete with D for the BF’s affections. EEEW! It doesn’t at all sound like this is what is going on with the OP, but mothers should not become so emotionally involved that their interest might be misconstrued as improper or creepy. </p>
<p>I really, really like my D’s current BF and his family, and I suspect I will be upset if/when they break up. For me, I think the emotion would be about the temporary loss of a dream. We all want our D’s to find good husbands–men who are strong, honest, capable, and who will be good and kind to them. When there’s a break-up, suddenly your D’s ducks are no longer neatly all in a row, and so now there’s uncertainty again for you, and so you put back an item on your mom’s list of worries.</p>
<p>I have found it harder when my S has broken up with his gfs. I really miss having that estrogen in the house! lol!</p>