<p>After posting my situation that my family and I are going through i was referred to this posting. Just wondering…how are you doing now after it has been sometime since the breakup? I so want to email my daughters old boyfriend to make sure he is ok…but from what I am reading don’t think it is best at this time. would love to hear from anyone from this post.</p>
<p>I think it best all around if the parents do not try to contact a chld’s ex. It’s also important to never badmouth them, even if you think they did your child wrong. One of my D’s exes brought over gifts for me for a couple of years after the breakup. I never happened to be home when he dropped them off. I’d write a polite thank you and that was the end of it. Right now a S’s ex seems to be moving back into the picture and I am SO glad I kept my mouth shut.</p>
<p>thanks for the reply. I agree with you even though it is very hard not to contact him. I do want to keep a good relationship with my daughter. It is always nice to get other people’s opinions who have been through this.</p>
<p>It’s always tough when they break up–because they’re all such great kids! Sure, sometimes they’ll bring home a stinker, but usually our great kids find other great kids…just not necessarily the right one for a lifetime, for whatever reason. So we hate to see them go.</p>
<p>And sometimes we don’t know the full story, nor do we need to.</p>
<p>Well since my last posting dealing with a break up between my daughter and her boyfriend of almost 2 years things have been going well. I am a bit concerned for him though since apparently he is not handling the situation very well. He has turned to drinking quite a bit (which he never did before) and is getting with girls. His room mate has contacted my daughter and she feels it isn’t her place to talk to him and would only make things worse. Any suggestions? I just really care about him and don’t want anything to happen to him, but on the other hand the relationship with my daughter is so good and I don’t want to ruin that either. Like I have said before we were really close to him, and just hate to see this happen.</p>
<p>Not much you can do. The contact is really through your daughter. I know that it is difficult. Went through the same with one of my brothers and his old girlfriend, and now with 5 boys, well, you meet a lot of friends, and some of them do not continue in your child’s life. </p>
<p>This is not necessarily something that happens with friends of the opposite sex or romantic interest. MY sons have had high school friends that are no longer in their lives that I had liked a lot, liked the mom, the family a lot. I have heard that some of them are having some problems and issues and I am definitely sorry to hear this. Not in my place to get involved as I don’t know the full story and am not invited to participate. If I see them, I’ll always say hello and ask how and what they are doing, speak to the moms if I know them, but the relationship was through the kids, and I don’t see a gracious way to involve myself with them.</p>
<p>Both my daughter and I had what I call “marker” boyfriends while in high school - that is, boyfriends you would have chosen had there been arranged marriages where you still wanted happiness for the kids. For different reasons, the relationships didn’t last, but many later boyfriends fell far short when measured against the “marker” boyfriends.</p>
<p>Both of us married about a year after finishing colleges and both of us married guys who jmeasured up well against the “marker” boyfriends.</p>
<p>And both of us would tell you that, without the “marker” boyfriends, we might have succumbed to the charms of lesser men.</p>
<p>Although it is hard when you become attached to your child’s boyfriend or girlfriend, I think it is important to respect certain boundaries. If your child and the love interest part it is important to be respectful of your own child’s interests above those who get left behind.
Sad as it is to hear about the troubles they are experiencing, it is best to remain on the sidelines and let them work it out in their own ways. People grieve the loss of a relationship in different ways…if the ex is drinking and dating excessively, that may be their way to deal with it. Time to let go and let his friends and relatives help him work through it with their support.
It is okay to care and feel for them , but your loyalties should be to your own child and their own wishes</p>
<p>I’d suggest that the roommate talk to the ex’s parents instead of to your D. She should not be the one to “help” him, if he’s having trouble with the breakup that will just make it worse. As much as you care about him, you should stay out of it. Let the ex’s parents try to help him.</p>
<p>Thank you all for your input and support. Raising kids and dealing with their relationships are so much fun. I just have got to learn not to get so attached. I agree with staying out of it and as hard as it is I tend on doing so.</p>
<p>Wow! I thought I was going crazy…thought I was the only mom who felt this way. I was devistated when d broke up with bf! We considiered him part of the family, and I miss him terribly. Wasn’t sure what to do. Thanks for the advice. I won’t initiate any contact. This is tough! Does it get any better?</p>
<p>Oh parents. You are so precious.</p>
<p>My parents were the same way when I broke up with my boyfriend senior year of high school (we’d be dating since freshman year, wow). I actually neglected telling them about our breakup until some time later for fear they’d be mad at me!</p>
<p>It’s hard to see your parents upset when you’re trying to figure out what the heck is going on with your own life. For me, it was challenging to re-build my platonic friendship with him while my family still wanted to be involved with our relationship. Like your kids’ bf/gf, mine was practically part of our family and quite a loss for my parents.</p>
<p>What we all ended up doing worked pretty well. They don’t really keep in touch with him per se, but will occasionally ask me about him (he and I are still friends) and I update them when I find out something worthwhile about his life. If he and I are hanging out while we’re both in town for breaks, he’ll stop by my place and catch up with my folks for a little while. They like keeping up with him and he enjoys their company too. My family pretty much treats him like they treat all the rest of my friends (perhaps a little fonder, since ex and family have so much more history). It’s worked well for us!</p>
<p>I wouldn’t say “avoid the ex at all costs” especially if they broke up on good terms. Give it some time then re-introduce it. While I was initially put off by my parents’ behavior toward my ex, I grew to like it that they cared so much because it was really reassuring to see that they actually approved of who I was dating enough to miss him when he was gone.</p>
<p>If your kids are stable enough, just ask them about it. They’re not stupid. They know you miss the ex. Just don’t make it awkward and you’ll probably learn plenty. Good luck!</p>
<p>PS: The only thing I can suggest is to definitely steer clear of “So when are you and ex going to get back together?” to me, this is rude, insensitive, and annoying. I hate it when my parents ask this, even in a joking manner. None of your business! :)</p>
<p>Wow, my parents never voiced any reactions to the various relationships the 7 of us kids had while we were growing up. Some of us dated for many, many years and broke up (my brother has done this the most). Our family stays loyal to the blood relative and is civil to the many exes but we do not initiate contact and my folks definitely never initiated contact with any of the ex BF or GFs.</p>
<p>My sister’s oldest D had an on-again, off-again relationship with her now-H, so it’s a good thing none of us ever said anything bad about him. I have always liked him & they seem to be happy together. My kids have not had me meet any of their dates, so we have not yet had to deal with getting attached to any of them. </p>
<p>We are close to D’s friends and would be sad if she had a huge fight with any of them but don’t initiate contact with the families while the kids are at their respective Us & our paths don’t often cross. </p>
<p>I did respect that my parents and family never tried to interfere with any of our romantic relationships and we give our unmarried brother all the space he needs to figure out his relationships. In retrospect, my parents were probably wise and lucky that they didn’t get too attached to the BF/GFs in our lives until we announced engagements.</p>
<p>The hardest part was not calling my daughter’s new BF by the old BF’s name. I think I’ve finally got it down, so I hope this one’s a keeper.</p>
<p>This is one of my pet peeves. My 3 brothers and I are all adults and my mom still keeps in touch will all of their ex girlfriends. I personally think it is CREEPY. I told her if she tried to keep in touch with my ex husband, I would never speak to her again. Her mentality is, just because YOU broke up with them, why should I?</p>
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<p>Shortly after graduation my brother married his college girlfriend. A couple of years later they realized that it wasn’t working and divorced. He unknowingly did us all a huge favor by eventually marrying another girl with the same name - eliminating that possibility. 
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<p>I am terrible with names and would have been the most likely candidate for an embarrassing screw-up.</p>
<p>In anticipation of an eventual end to a high school romance, we (the parents) have maintained certain boundaries between ourselves and DS’s (sweet, creative, smart, athletic, loving) girlfriend. It has always seemed to me that if we include her in our family to the extent that we are giving her birthday and holiday gifts or bringing her along on family vacations, we could form an attachment with her that would support their relationship to the point that it’s no longer standing on its own merits. (…and consequently may lead to a break-up after more serious steps have been taken.) Am I off-base here? It doesn’t seem anyone else has expressed a like sentiment. (No one has specifically mentioned gift-giving or vacations, I don’t think, by those examples I just mean treatment that seems one-of-the-family-ish.)</p>
<p>Wow do i totally identify with this one!! my son started had a gf from the end of their freshman yr in hs…she literally LIVED at my house. At first I thought she was pushy, lol…but when we all got to know one another, I adored her…I think to the point that my daughter was jealous. DS’s gf, loved to cook, bake…lol…all the things my dd HATES…and they were the same age…and actually friends b4 the dating thing started.</p>
<p>When my son broke up with here, I was actually devastated!! I had fallen in love with her…she was like a daughter…</p>
<p>time showed me that I was way to invested in that relationship…there was a reason…she did calm my son down…he used to be very angry…and she got him over that. I will love her forever for how she helped him grow up…it was hard to let her go…but, they aren’t meant to be:(…since then…he’s met someone just like her, lol…oh!!</p>
<p>I just want him happy…and I want his ex happy…she was a lil angel…we were blessed to have her in our lives…and i do miss her.</p>
<p>Of course we form attachments to the people our kids date for a long period of time. It’s hard not to love someone who loves your kid! But it is important to maintain a bit of distance and not get too attached. Remember, it is THEIR relationship - not ours.</p>
<p>I have learned the hard way to be friendLY, but not friends, with the parents of my kids’ significant others. Otherwise, it’s just to awkward to maintain the friendship with the parents after the kids break up.</p>
<p>I have decided to stay completely out of my kids’ personal lives. My motto is don’t bring them around unless you are thinking engagement. Since they are living far away from me, it works out fine.</p>