<p>If only I could invest my mother this much into my relationships… but, alas, that will never be. I will not even speak about my father. Personally, I think it’s really adorable how much parents are willing to involve themselves in the lives of children. Jajaja, some of these posts made me crack up really badly :D</p>
<p>We are going through the break up right now between DD and her boyfriend of 3 1/2years.
Things have been tough the last couple of months between them with all of the college decision pressures and just growing up. DD was trying to keep them together until prom in 4 weeks or end of school in 6 weeks. But last Sunday he told her it was over. Monday was a tough day, but Tuesday was worse when he started talking to another girl.<br>
My feelings go from sad to mad and trying to help her through this.
I can’t help but being dragged in since she tells me about it and doesn’t want to talk to her friends about it, except to say she is fine. Friends have been very supportive but ex-bf and her did everything together and normally by themselves.
The worse thing is they are still going to prom together, since dress and tux are bought, limo paid for and tickets bought.Any ideas if prom is a good idea for them to attempt together? The girl the ex is now talking to has a prom date also, not in the same limo thank god… DD and ex are barely talking and can’t even text with out it turning into a fight. Any suggestions are appreciated.<br>
BTW we did do vacation with the ex BF and holidays.</p>
<p>If prom will be a reminder of pain and unhappiness for your daughter, then I would cut losses now and have her go with her girlfriends. Many local high schools kids usually go in groups without a specific partner anyways. There’s no point in prolonging the agony.</p>
<p>Reading this thread has caused me to worry. If we invite son’s gf along on our vacation, are we meddling? We just know he’ll have more fun if she’s there. :)</p>
<p>Re all the other scenarios above–been there, done that. Loved the boyfriends, girlfriends, missed them when they were gone. Life goes on, and you just keep your mouth shut and take your cue from your child.</p>
<p>And my own mother was so sad 35 years ago when I broke up with one guy she thought was so nice. He was a compulsive liar and made prank phone calls to my roommate if I wasn’t there, but she never knew that…</p>
<p>We once brought a kid’s romantic partner along on a family vacation with the intention (not stated to them, of course) of having them break up due to the constant companionship. It worked and we were very relieved. This was a friend who had been around for several years, at our house almost every night but I was sure he was an alcoholic. My child was later involved with several more people who could only be described as losers. She is a sympathetic, supportive person who deserved the chance to develop her independent adult self without having to constantly be a nurturer/caregiver at a young age. I am not ashamed that I was enthusiastic about her relationship with the man to whom she is now happily married. Sometimes mother really does know best.</p>
<p>
If only the kids would listen. That is a tall order.</p>
<p>I just wanted to thank everyone for sharing their thoughts. We are going through this very thing right now. My D is fine with it as she is the one that initiated the break-up but her ex was like a son to us. He was smart, fun, polite and treated my D like a queen and would do anything for her. He is having a difficult time with it now and still wants to see her. She has since moved on and is even going on dates with other people - nothing serious though.</p>
<p>I know eventually we will stop missing him but it is nice to know that I am not the only mother who has felt this sense of loss.</p>
<p>Just to echo IAMM’s sentiments. DD and her beloved bf broke up two days ago, a decision they talked about months ago based on the fact that they will be starting college shortly on opposite coasts. As mature as that sounds, and as wise in theory, DD came home on Friday devastated and cried for hours, saying that both she and bf are heartbroken to end what has been such a positive thing for both of them. I have barely been able to contain my own tears since then. I hate to see my daughter suffering so much, knowing that the two of them still love one another. Aside from that, I just adore that boy, who has been part of our lives for nearly three years. It is good to read that I am not the only one who has these feelings, which feel a bit out of control to me – normalizing. I also appreciate the advice on staying out of it – hard thought that is, they are figuring these things out for themselves, and I remember the worst thing in my own teen years was the way I could never think about my own feelings first, without worrying about how my parents would react. A friend of mine said earlier today that part of the source of the intense feeling around this is that it is a clear sign that DD is really moving on to the next phase of life, leaving me behind as well. That feels true.</p>
<p>D broke up w/ her bf of 2 years this summer. She was staying w/ him in NYC this summer during her internship. He, 8 yrs. older, broke up w/ her and told her to move out.</p>
<p>The summer was awful. She was/is heart broken. We had to move her 4 times this summer. She has been seeing a doctor to help w/ the despair/depression.</p>
<p>She is leaving for Geneva, Switzerland in 3 days, for an internship/semester abroad, with no place to live. Her college does not provide housing for this internship. She is still very depressed.</p>
<p>Can you possibly imagine the concern we have as parents? We have tried to talk her out of going to Switzerland. Apparently it is not going to happen.</p>
<p>Oh, I’ve been through this four times. Its been heartbreaking for me each time. Actually going through it right now. It might not be so bad if the ex’s didn’t contact me and were devastated. I’ve been close to my oldest daughter’s ex’s and now the youngest daughters. Oldest daughter had a boy she had dated for nearly two years and really was like one of our sons. He did everything with us. He would come and start dinner for us before I would even get home from work. </p>
<p>He was home schooled the last year of high school to care for his mother who was very ill. His parents were older and he helped to run a business for them. He had too much put on him for someone that age. He said we were more of a family than his own. I know our daughter was the only bright spot in his life and when she decided to break up with him it was horrible. He still continued to come to our home nearly every day. He would lay on our floor and cry because he said he couldn’t stand to leave us. Our daughter started dating another boy and got married the next year and moved away and he still came to our house everyday. His father died at the breakfast table one morning and we were the first people he came to for a shoulder to cry on. </p>
<p>Several years later he did finally find a very nice girl. We have recently been in touch with him through Facebook and are now friends with his wife. Actually the whole family including our daughter is now friends with his wife. She seems like a real sweetheart. We are so glad he found someone like her. </p>
<p>Going through something similar with the younger daughter now. She had a boyfriend that has been off and on for the last year. We adore him. It is soooo hard. Still hoping it somehow works out.</p>
<p>I see a mixture of comments out here about whether to stay in touch with him or not. My feeling is that you need to respect your D’s opinion on this, but if your D truly is okay with it, then go ahead. About 30 years ago, my older brother dated a girl in high school who just sparkled with personality. She is one of the funniest, most engaging people I have ever met. She dumped my brother after they had dated for a couple of years. But she remained friends with my parents. My brother genuinely didn’t mind, and we have loved having her visit and call when she is in town.</p>
<p>About five years ago another of my siblings committed suicide. She was the only (and I mean the ONLY) person who could make my parents smile and laugh for at least a year after that happened. I am so thankful that we have been able to maintain that relationship. Again, if it bothers your D, you have to respect that. But I think there is a possiblity of an ongoing friendly relationship is she is okay with it. </p>
<p>It probably helps that no one ever entertained the thought that they would get back together again (at least, I never detected it in my parents or brother, and I thought she was too good for him :)). That would have made it harder.</p>
<p>I was afraid my son might be the nice young man in the original post until I saw this thread is two years old.</p>
<p>Interesting timing for me on this thread revival. D just broke up with her BF of 1.5 years. I confess I miss the kid; he was getting to be the son we never had. </p>
<p>But for all of us who have this problem, remember, it could be worse. Our Ds could have chosen icky, creepy guys that we couldn’t wait to get rid of. In a weird way, I suppose it’s better to be sad about the breakup than to be jumping for joy.</p>
<p>i am very friendly to all girlfriends but i will not become their friend. the relationship is between my sons and the girls they date–i never feel it’s my place to become best friends with the girls. if we would become best friends, a breakup would be harder for everyone–and in fact, i’ve known kids who stay together because it would be just too hard on them and their families to break up. i don’t want that to happen. </p>
<p>on the other hand, the girls that have been in and out of my sons’ lives have always been wonderful, so i haven’t had to worry about interferring–that’s a good thing!</p>
<p>One issue I do not see here is how the new girl or guy in your son or daughter’s life might feel about the family keeping in touch with an “old flame.” In my H’s family his mother kept in touch with another son’s old girlfriend. His wife found it very difficult especially since her mother in law had a great relationship with the old girlfriend and so never developed a relationship with her new daughter in law. It’s wise to think about future as well as current family dynamics when keeping in touch with old boyfriends or girlfriends of your children. It’s hard enough to fit into some families as an in-law and having seen first hand the results of such a choice (keeping a close relationship with an old girlfriend) I personally do not think it a good idea.</p>
<p>This was not a problem with our family. My brother (who dated the girl, as described in my post above) has married and has a family. They live in the same town as my parents. The ex-gf does not live in town, but her parents and sister do, so she is in town once or twice a year. Brother’s wife does not seem to have any issue with it, although I do not think my parents usually invite brother and wife when the ex-GF is in town. But on the occasions when they are all together, everyone seems to get along fine. My parents might invite the ex-gf over for a drink, or meet her at a restaurant for lunch, or she might call my mom to go to a movie. She also phones them a few times a year from out of town (especially when her college beats my dad’s in football!). She has also married, so maybe that helps reduce any possible friction.</p>
<p>I see the pitfalls… mostly based on human failings of jealousy and thoughtless behavior by one or more of the parties involved. In that case, it is not a good idea. But it is not impossible to do.</p>
<p>I strongly advise parents to respect their child’s wishes regarding contact with exes. My daughter’s boyfriend’s first girlfriend was well-like by his mother, in my opinion, obsessively so. I know the girl and she is very good at putting on her best face when around adults she wants something from, but she has few friends as she is considered very superficial and two-faced. I have personally observed her really using her peers, but his mother didn’t see this side until last year - two years after my daughter started dating her son. </p>
<p>The problem started when she realized how taken her son was for my daughter and she started to find ways to get her son and this girl together in hope that something would happen. Her son couldn’t stand the girl because of how used he felt when he dated her, but he wouldn’t tell his mother because he didn’t want to hurt her feelings. Anyway, she made him go to a birthday dinner she initiated for her between the families on night, which really ticked me off as my daughter was very upset. Fortunately, the son took a bunch of picture of he and my daughter and showed them off all night, bragging about her. </p>
<p>Another time the mom pressured him into inviting her to join his and my daughter’s “homecoming dance” group. She came, but the son made it a point to ignore her, except for a few snide remarks. The girl was also after him and seemed to be oblivious that he didn’t have any interest in her. The next year he started a school group to compete in a creative competition and she joined the group. She was over at his house all of the time, but eventually let her guard down and showed her true self. The entire group battled with her and my daughter’s boyfriend was embarrassed when the others found out she was his ex.The mom was surprised.</p>
<p>Initially it was difficult for my daughter, but then she got used to it as long as it continued. It did stop and now the mom is fixated on my daughter. Go figure. I feel sorry for the boy’s next girlfriend, but my daughter vows she will not be involved with the family when it is over.</p>
<p>How about hearing something from the dads? I just came across this website and happily found others who have gone (are going) thru the same as I am. From the posts I read, most of you seem to be Moms. I am the father of an only child. My daughter just graduated from college in May and yesterday ended a 2-year relationship with a young man who I think the world of. I know it sounds like a cliche, but he truly became a member of our family. I am surprisingly having a difficult time grieving his loss. Never thought this would happen, as it never happened with prior bfs. Dads are supposed to be the stoic ones, the quiet strong types. Yet I let myself get involved in a father-son type of relationship. He was the other man in our house, my equalizer in a house of women. How can you not love someone who loves your daughter? I’m in pain right now since I know he’s devastated and there’s not a whole lot I can or should do about it. My D has not opened up to my wife and me, but I’m sure she’s grieving as well. I know I have to support her decision. She is not an impulsive person and I’m sure she labored hard to arrive at the choice she made. Thanks all for sharing your hard-earned wisdom.</p>
<p>It’s only natural to care about someone who thinks your child is wonderful. Glad to hear it’s not just us moms who go thru this. It’s kind of a well-kept parent secret, I think. Probably because the wisest choice of action is to suffer in silence, since our number one priority always has to be our child and supporting his/her decision. </p>
<p>My daughter is in a nearly 2-year relationship, and they will be 750 miles apart this fall at college. They plan to try to stay together. We’ll see. In the meantime, when D leaves for college I feel as if I’ll be losing TWO children - D and her boyfriend!</p>
<p>LOL that this thread was topped today - this morning D announced that she had broken up with her BF of 9 months.</p>