<p>'How long can you wait to meet a new bf/gf before it is considered rude? '</p>
<p>This seems an odd question to me.
Our children’s friends are always welcome in our home without consideration of the status of their friendships.
Once a former s/o attended a party at our home as the s/o of another friend.
It was good to see them!</p>
<p>^^^“This seems an odd question to me.”</p>
<p>It’s not really odd. It’s said somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but with a bit of truth to it. 
See my post #78.</p>
<p>I’m so glad to read this thread. I have been moping around for months trying to get over my D’s breakup with her BF of more than 3 years. I have been wondering what is wrong with me…why am I taking this so hard??? It’s comforting to read that other parents go through this, too.</p>
<p>Like many of you have mentioned about your situations, he was like part of the family. He treated our D like a queen and they even talked about marriage and kids down the road. He is a smart nice guy with a good head on his shoulders and a bright future ahead of him. They are extremely compatible. They are even in the same college. They had talked about taking a break last year but it didn’t happen. Then she decided that she just needed to meet other people and that she needed to be “single” for a while. I totally understand…college is a time for growth and change, and if she’s not happy in her relationship, she needs to take a step back. But now she is dating another guy, and from what she has told us, he really pales in comparison to the former BF. I hope this new guy is a phase that is short-lived.</p>
<p>I keep thinking about her former BF and how blindsided he was and how hurt he feels. I feel so bad for him. (She feels bad for him too, but feels strongly that she must take a break from the relationship).</p>
<p>I have never been through anything like this before, and it is really hard for me. I really got attached to the former BF, and to them being a couple and so in love with each other. I never realized how attached I was until she announced that they were breaking up. I felt like I had been stabbed in the heart, which really surprised me. I truly never expected to react to the situation so strongly!!!</p>
<p>Another poster from a few years ago made a really good point: that when your kid is with someone so compatible, you feel like all their ducks are in a row and you start visualizing a future that involves them. Then suddenly that future goes poof (or is in flux) and it leaves you feeling unsettled and worried about your kid again. And it’s really hard to think that you may never see the bf or gf again if you really liked them (dare say, loved them).</p>
<p>Truthfully, with them being a couple at the same college, it was almost like having another parent there to look out for her (he is a very responsible guy). Now…it’s like she is out there on her own (although not really of course…it just sort of feels that way to me). </p>
<p>I feel really bad for the former BF and I wish I could reach out to him, but I know it would be inappropriate. She wants to remain friends with him because she does love him…she just wants to be free for a while. </p>
<p>I guess all you can do is know that you gave your kid a good set of values and hope that it acts as a yardstick for them. She chose a great guy as a first love, so I am just crossing my fingers that ultimately she will choose another great guy – whether that means going back to the former BF eventually, or finding someone else who is also terrific.</p>
<p>sigh…</p>
<p>It’s hard. I can hear the angst and sadness in your post.</p>
<p>A few things…</p>
<p>It might help for you to stop thinking of your daughter and her ex-bf ‘on a break’ or she just wants to be free for a while. She’s not free now as she’s dating. The concept really refers to her being free for a while for the previous bf and there is an assumption (even if hoped) that they will get back together. This doesn’t allow you to move on.</p>
<p>Your daughter is a strong, competent, capable, independent young woman. She doesn’t need ‘another parent’ at college looking out for her, and that wasn’t her previous bf’s role. She may stumble, make mistakes, skin her knees, but this is all part of growing up and she needs to do this. The ex-bf wasn’t going to stop this, and if she wasn’t going to stretch her horizons enough with him where she did skin a knee then I understand the desire to be on her own. She didn’t want to be married in college. It’s a time to self explore.</p>
<p>Your instinct not to reach out to the bf is the correct one. Your daughter may see that as a betrayal. If you see him out certainly greet him warmly, if your D has old friends gather over a break at your home and he’s there no need to feel awkward in showing your true affection (but not overwhelming pity that the relationship has ended). If the relationship ever starts again it’s between your daughter and the ex bf. He may very well start dating someone else as well.</p>
<p>I’m not trying to be harsh, and your feelings are very normal, but ‘months’ is a long time to grieve for the loss of a child’s SO. It’s time to look at some healthy ways to start helping yourself move on.</p>
<p>My daughter is on again with her college boyfriend after an on/off relationship that started in her sophomore year/his freshman year. They seem very happy together. But I am not going to make the mistakes of the past, mostly involving HIS parents (inviting him and his parents over for Thanksgiving while she was in Spain on study abroad, spending Labor Day weekend with them). That was awkward- sending time with his family as if they are in-laws, when they really aren’t. So this time around we will not go out of our way to have events with his family. I think it puts too much pressure on the young couple. After all, he’s not even 21 yet, and she’s just 22, and I don’t want them to rush into anything. They should just enjoy each other’s company but not feel pressured to stay together because the parents are involved. That being said, I really like his family, so I don’t want to go through another break-up with them- it’s all a bit complicated, when it should be simple- just the two of them spending time together as a couple, not worrying about family relationships at this point.</p>
<p>I am so glad I found this thread. My teen daughter is in the process of breaking up with her bf of 1 1/2 years. While I support her because it is her choice, I will really miss him. Like many here, we welcomed him into our family and became very fond of him. I will miss him. I am glad to know that other parents have felt upset as well. </p>
<p>My feelings are compounded by the fact that my daughter seems to be replacing him with her former bf of 2+ years ago, whom we do not really care for much. We had also welcomed him into the house on the grounds that it was better to get to know him, but we really didn’t feel that he brought out the best in our daughter. I am having such a hard time keeping my perspective and keeping my mouth shut. I just wish that she would take some time boyfriend free and be an independent person</p>
<p>
Excuse me, do we have the same daughter? We keep telling her we want her to learn to be independent. I want her to be responsible for her own happiness - not to spend all her time worrying about making a man happy, nor expecting a man to make her happy. </p>
<p>At the moment she is actually single and learning to enjoy it. I will say that I think joining a sorority in college has helped on that front. She has some of the strongest female friendships she’s ever had.</p>
<p>Lafalum84-my older D was the same way. For the first time in a LONG time-years-at 23 she is boyfriend-free and she’s happier than she’s been in years. She’s getting back to doing things that she always enjoyed, with friends that often took a backseat to her boyfriends (one in particular that she broke up with at least three times and got back together with-UGH). </p>
<p>She just told me the other day that she thought she would mind going BF free for so long but she’s actually ok with it.</p>
<p>Hi glad I found this also. It’s like the same thing for us. We loved the bf as if he was family. D was with him and inseparable for over 2 years. Last month of relationship was rocky and they seemed to be drifting. She wanted a break to get the sparks back but soon found out that was a huge mistake because he moved on pretty quick and in a not so great circle of people. alcohol and smoking became his way of life. She is crushed and sad because she knows what a great person he is and can be outside of this circle. I feel motherly too since his own wants to be more of a friend than parent. He’s away in college now but it hasn’t gotten easier for my d. or me for that matter. feeling sad.</p>
<p>y’all know that this is a five-year old thread?</p>
<p>
I have some. Maybe it’s because I’ve dated every jerk on the planet (okay, just most of them), and I tended to not share the gory details of the bad sides of my relationships with my parents… but how about you think that maybe, MAYBE, your daughter saw a side of this young man that you did not? Maybe he’s a good teenage dinner guest, but a lousy boyfriend. Perhaps he was controlling, insecure, belittling, or crass. Perhaps he gave her an ultimatum, and she called his bluff.</p>
<p>Perhaps he is a really nice guy and she just didn’t have feelings for him, or the stress of distance ruined what could have been a nice young romance. </p>
<p>As an adult, I resent having to choose between sharing every single bad thing in a relationship with my parents, or having them get all teary-eyed when I end a relationship that needs ending. As someone who has seen her friends date some losers that parents just loved, I resent the notion that parental approval = good boyfriend. Keep your own emotions out of it.</p>
<p>(Sorry, was that harsh?)</p>
<p>Yes, it was.</p>
<p>but true and had to be said
I will remember this if my D breaks up with her BF who I love</p>
<p>A spoonful of sugar, downtoearth. </p>
<p>Parents don’t like being lectured any more than their children do. Respect from both sides to both sides does wonders.</p>
<p>Hayden - While I appreciate where you’re coming from sometimes there are things in a relationship…romantic, professional, or otherwise…that you just aren’t ready to share and may never be. Having the added burden of your parents ‘grief’ over losing the boyfriend, or making you feel as though you’re making a terrible move professionally in your young adult life only makes the decision tougher. Sometimes parents simply need to trust their kids have a reason and trust and support them. </p>
<p>I had one bf early in college who was emotionally and verbally abusive. It did a number on my self esteem. My mom thought he was such a nice boy from a wonderful family, I must have done something I wasn’t sharing. No, I just wasn’t ready to talk about it. After school I was sexually assaulted by my boss. I did go to HR, not the police (young, terrified, and stupid). I changed jobs and heard for years how I gave up such a wonderful opportunity. </p>
<p>Trust you kids instincts and simply be there to emotionally support them. If they want to talk they will. If they learn that opening up brings judgement they won’t. But the biggest point is you never, ever know what goes on between two people alone and it’s about your child not you!!!</p>