<p>Daughter was in a 2 year plus relationship with a wonderful boy. She ended her relationship after returning to school from the winter break. The young man was like part of our family and became good friends with our other college age children. I am so sad to see that summer vacation is here but this young man will no longer be a part of my daughters life. He has been deeply upset since the January breakup and has stayed in touch with our family. They attend separate schools, daughter is in her first year and the young man is in his second. They were the sweetest couple and were so compatable that I trully believed that these two would marry some time down the road. My daughter claims that the breakup occured because she felt married to the young man and felt that at her young age that was not what she wanted to feel. I have just learned that her facebook status states that she is in a relationship with a new boy that she has met at her school. That does not make any sense to me considering she felt âmarriedâ. Any advise from parents who have grown to love their childrens significant others would be appreciated.</p>
<p>Read that other, related thread on here.</p>
<p>Stay out of it. This was her primary relationship, not yours. Theyâve been broken up for six months. Why shouldnât she have moved on?</p>
<p>When I broke up with my four-year HS/college bf, my mother sided with him and obviously disapproved of my decision. Found ways to keep him in our lives. It was awful. Your primary responsibility is to your dd, not this boy.</p>
<p>He needs to move on and by maintaining contact with him you are encouraging him to stay stuck in a relationship that is over. In a way, if I was your DD I would feel that by keeping in touch with him you were questioning her decision. I have been there and done that with someone I dated at that age. I could never understand my parents staying in touch with him. There is a lot in the dynamic of a relationship that only the two people in it know about. Respect her decision and encourage him to move on.</p>
<p>This is part of a normal maturing process and is healthy. As a parent you have no way to know what their relationship was really like. I can understand the difference in her feelings for feeling âmarriedâ to the old BF and whatever her feelings are for the new BF so her having a new BF despite feeling married before (and not liking that feeling) makes perfect sense to me.</p>
<p>The bottom line is that itâs her life and she needs to run he relationships as she sees fit and the parents should stay out of it unless sheâs doing something unhealthy, which sheâs not.</p>
<p>^^Such wise words. Although I had a very valid reason to maintain contact with the Rejected One in a similar situation, I know that my D interpreted it as a lack of support anyway and I regret it now, years later. I wish Iâd listened to the one friend who was brave enough to tell me to stop. </p>
<p>It can be very hard to let go when another child has come to feel like part of the family. But itâs the right thing to do. Good luck.</p>
<p>Stay out of her relationships! She gets to make her own decisions/mistakes when it comes to her âlove lifeâ. Her relationships are for her, not for you/your family. Itâs your responsibility to back her up, not question her decisions because you miss him. This all goes with the territory, part of the process of finding a partnerâthe normal ebb and flow. Who knows, they may get back together one day, but that has to be on her/their terms, not your terms. You have to deal with your sadness/loss privately and without putting pressure on your D. Iâd also recommend that you not read her facebook page as you may well learn things you donât want to learn!</p>
<p>Her facebook page happens to be open to me as she âfriended meâ. I appreciate the advice and I do believe I should stay out of it and trust her decisions. I guess I am just feeling the loss of this young man around the house.</p>
<p>And you may not realize it, but even in your post you show disapproval of her decision, and what child wants that? An example: âMy daughter claims âŠâ Claims is a loaded word; why not just say âsaysâ?</p>
<p>My daughter asked my mother whether she liked her boyfriend. My mother said, âI like him as much as you like him.â Who says moms are not wise, even at age 70+.</p>
<p>âYoudonâtsayâ You are right that my internal feeling maybe showing. I will need to put a lid on them because I do not ever want my daughter to feel that I do not value her decisions.</p>
<p>:)</p>
<p>10 char</p>
<p>Does it occur to the OP that part of what her daughter meant by âfeeling marriedâ was the sense that her parents had welcomed the boy too thoroughly into the family, or that at age 20 a boyfriendâs complete inability to make his girlfriendâs parents feel a little threatened would not be an attractive quality to the girlfriend?</p>
<p>momma-three- Be thankful your daughter has a good head on her shoulders. Even if she is in a new relationship, so what? Perhaps, she knew down deep inside that the other boy was not the âoneâ for her regardless of how you feel about it. </p>
<p>Funny, I have the complete opposite feelings you do! My S is currently in a relationship with a wonderful girl and I am hoping they break up before they go off to college! I, too, must learn to keep my opinions to myself because he is very sensitive to us reminding him not to act âmarriedâ at 18! In the end, it is their lives to live, not ours.</p>
<p>we had a similar situation. My wife loved the guy, I liked him too.
My wife tried to call him after the breakup but he didnât respond.
After 4 years he had become part of the family. Eventually my
wife and his mother exchanged cards and letters and that quieted
things down, but she will always think my daughter made a mistake,
and actually a year later, my D feels the same way, but it is too late
now, he has found someone else. I stayed out of it.</p>
<p>There is a message to mothers in these stories- donât get too attached to your childrenâs significant others. They are young, the relationships will change. While it is very nice to open your heart to your childâs young g/b-friends, you donât want your own emotional attachments to interfere with your childâs choices.</p>
<p>With the average age of marriage somewhere in the high twenties to early thirties, there will probably be a fair number of b/g-friends coming and going before the big day.</p>
<p>That is so true fauve. I think from now on I will keep things at a distance. The interesting thing is that my daughter did not like the boys mother and said that she was certain that she never would. My daughter felt that the mother was extremely dramatic and never made my daughter feel comfortable or liked. My daughter said that she wanted to feel as comfortable as we made her old boyfriend feel. I guess his mom probably had the right idea not getting attached however she basically drove my daughter away. My daughter had never discussed her feelings with her boyfriend because she felt that it was up to him to see it and deal with it. She is a very smart young lady.</p>
<p>There have been multiple threads on this exact subject. Itâs a lot more common than I realized, getting attached to our kidsâ âsignificant others.â I went thru it - in our case we had become good friends with the BFâs parents and it was awkward between the adults after the kid broke up. Plus, itâs hard not to love someone who thinks your kid is wonderful! Itâs natural to become attached! And as a parent, when you see someone with a good head on their shoulders, who you think will someday become someoneâs ideal mate, itâs not hard to hope that your child will stay with them!</p>
<p>But⊠lesson learned, it is THEIR relationship, and we need to stay out of it and trust their judgement. There may be things going on that we donât know about. If my child no longer wants to date this person, I need to trust that he/she knows more about the situation than I do. </p>
<p>Itâs hard - I know, itâs really hard - but you have to stay out of it. And donât go out of your way to maintain contact with the ex. Of course, be polite and âcatch upâ if you happen to run into him/her or their family, but donât call them or write them unless you have a REALLY valid reason for doing so.</p>
<p>Step back and donât get involved. It is her life and her decision, you need to be supportive of your daughter no matter how much you liked the boy. Donât call him up or try to remain friends, that will just make things harder for everyone. Also, do NOT compare your daughterâs future boyfriends to this boyfriend.</p>
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<p>I think some posters have been a little bit harsh. The OP is asking for help, as itâs a tough time for her. Yes, itâs her daughterâs life and her daughterâs choice. She knows that. But itâs normal to become attached to those people who become involved with our family members and in our familyâs activities. She knows it 's about her daughter, but needs some help in handling her feelings. </p>
<p>momma-three, I feel for you. I would find it very difficult, too. Hang in there. I havenât had to go through this yet, but Iâm paying attention to the advice offered.</p>
<p>I never get attached to any of my three daughterâs boyfriends-boyfriends come and go. They are too young to get serious about anyone. I did not get married until I was 29 & I had my first child at age 32. So H & I just stay out of these breakups! When I meet a new boyfriend who comes along, I just treat him as a casual acquaintance of the family. If he should visit us on family vacations then I realize that probably next year he wonât be around, there will be somebody new! I never send the boyfriends holiday cards or gifts.</p>